Anxiety again- Hard Help and Warm Hugs

I'm feeling very anxious the last two days. I'm trying to use coping skills rather than depend on Ativan or Benedryl but its difficult. I will say that I have seen my new pdoc's office and it was okay. I see her again in January. I called the help line they gave me a number for and they've actually followed up and called to find out how I'm doing! I like that. So the rules have changed. I no longer call psych. ER unless something terrible happens, I suppose. If I just need a chat about anxiety or wanting to OD or the like I can call this number. I still think there is too much time between now and when I see someone again. I actually see my old pdoc on the 8th. I am looking forward to seeing if we can actually fix some of this stuff in my life!! I have been trying really hard to keep an even mood so that I don't have to be seen in the ER. This number I called is a nice interim place. Right now, I'm out with my friend, K, sitting at Starbucks. We're going to go out to eat here in a few minutes when he gets something done on his other computer. Part of me is afraid of going back to the place I was at in November. I'd rather go to the psych hospital. The other place is supposed to be more low-key, but there was nothing to do there. The hospital gives you a schedule of classes to go to. Lately, I feel so judged. I feel depressed and lost, basically. I am supposed to be enjoying my time with K so I shouldn't really dwell too much here. Dinner will help as I haven't eaten all day and its getting on in the afternoon. The people from the new place are supposed to call me later today. That will be nice. I need someone to talk to. Even my bulletin board I usually post on isn't helping very much. I feel judged there too. I need hard help and warm hugs.

After All That .... Away for a week

I want to say that I was not hospitalized. From the ER, I was sent to a sort of group home for mental health patients. There really wasn't much to do there except get away from the daily stressors of life. I wanted to go straight home at first, then I got used to it, and then I almost missed the people I was living with. Of course, looking back at the last several weeks that I've been posting its like night and day. Even a friend of mine with whom I talk every day (except while I've been away for some reason), kept exclaiming how "great!" I sounded on the phone today. He said I didn't stutter or have pauses in my speach like I used to. What was written in my chart is pretty clinical, I know, and somewhat scary when you read it that way. But it does match up with what I've written here myself, so a big picture can be seen. My diagosis code, by the way, at my psychiatrist yesterday, is still "pschizoaffective bipolar type". The house wasn't planned out activities like in the hospital but they did hand out medications on timed schedules. Everyone was friendy. Even the guy that was constantly talking to his imaginary friends. And I can say that!! (Though I don't talk back to my hallucinations.) I was allowed to go out a handful times in the week that I was there, a few to dr visits, and a few out with family or friends to get coffee. Those were nice, but having to be back soon, we a little depressing. Speaking of depressing, the longer I was there, the more I could feel my depression lifting. No more dark thoughts. No more suicidal thoughts. No more thoughts to just not exist anymore. I began to look forward to seeing my kids and to cherish the short time I had with them. My pdoc wanted me to go on prozac yesterday, but decided against it which is good because I've heard some bad things about it. I have run out of covered visits for the year and my dr wants me to see her in Decemeber even so, knowing that a visit would cost over $300. Even though I said its Christmas time and that's present money. Even so, she just wanted to see me and see how I am. I understand this and agree- IF I had the money. But I think I can make it a month until my insurance turns over on January 1st and then see her again. She said she can't "make me" come but she'd like me to come. Considering that money is one of my problem areas, I think I'll try to make it to January. I'm going to go back to church choir. That's a great choir and I haven't been in years. I'll have to go back to working out, too.

FILE: From my Medical File

10/01/13 Client reports she had a wish to not wake up yesterday, but that she usually doesn't feel like dying or harming herself. She explained her current thoughts as "the angels told me that I know everything now and I can bring my cat with me. I don't feel scared or alarmed. I'm fine. But I realize that I could get hurt."

10/08/13 Pt reports having very passive suicidal ideation this week but no intent.

11/21/13 Client reports that she overdosed on Ativan last night (5 pills) and feels that she will do it again soon.

11/21/13 Client presents with flat affect, ambivalent in her decision making process, paranoid and delusional (feels and thinks that people are aliens, oriented x3, denying and current AH/VH, attention intact during interview, insightand judgment marginal.

298.9 Unspecified psychosis (Active as of 11/21/2013

296.80 Bipolar Disorder NOS (Rule out as of 11/21/2013

296.90 Mood Disorder NOS (Rule out as of 11/21/2013

Diagnostic Summary: 11/21/13 Client reports paranoid thinking along with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Client reports a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations, but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again.

10/03/13: Pt presents as preoccupied, possibly resonding to internal stimuli, hears voices telling her to stab herself, reports some improvement in psychotic symptoms.

10/011/13: Client presents "ramped up" with thoughts of jumping into traffic or "flying off her balcony" w/o specific intent of suicide. She is calm in presentation but she reports that she has felt increasingly "ramped up" over the last two weeks. She spoke with her psychiatrist this morning and she recommended she present to PES.

Narrative:

Pre screen request was made by PES due to client experiencing anxiety, paranoia, difficulty concentrating and ongoing thoughts of killing herself. Client also reported that she overdosed on Ativan last night.

Client is a 41yo caucasian female. Client presents with flat affect, ambivalent in her decision making process, paranoid and delusional (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of beliefs that she can fly and that she will not die for long if she kills herself.) Oriented x3, denying any current ah/vh, attention intact during interview, insight and judgment arginal. Lithium levels reflect taking meds as prescribed. Negative for benzo's despite reports of overdosing on Ativan last night.Client reports paranoid thinking with delusions. (Thinking people are aliens and endorsing a hx of auditory and visual hallucinations but none at the moment. Client reports anxiety related to personal relationships. Client reports that she tried to overdose to kill herself last night with plans to do so again. Client has access to significant amounts of psychotropic medications including Ativan. Client denies any hx of substance abuse. Client receives MH services from XXXXXXX. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in November 2012. Client was diverted from hospitalization in February 2013. Client was psychiatrically hospitalized in October 2013 for presenting manic and expressing beliefs that she could fly. Client reports to live with three children, her mother, and her mother's boyfriend. Client reports that her mother is both supportive and a stressor at the same time. Client reports that she has a friend that she feels is supportive, but also believed that he was an alien.Client reports to comply with medication tx usually, which was confirmed by labs, and reports to attend appts as scheduled.

Here is another file from my medical history.

Search for "FILE" to find other files.

Anxiety Bad

The anxiety is still here.............When we leave here, we get me back to my car, then i drive home and then its night again. Me and night and my room- again....... hate this! Maybe its just going to be there forever??? I feel like my life ammounts to nothing and never will. Day after day after day.....round and round and round. People are after me. After me. Coming to get me. From every direction. They are going to get me. I must hide. I must run. But where?How? They will be tapping at my window like the aliens did that day many years ago on the windows at the balcony. Tap... tap... tap... Maybe everybody is an alien and I just can't tell. Even my friend that took me out to dinner. He's the worst of all because I can't tell.I want to go to bed but I can't stand the thought of being in my bedroom. There is nothing comforting about the night - about the dark. I hate it.

The Trio

Its dark. If I were manic, I'd relish the way the light plays off the metal objects at night. But I'm not. I don't know if I'm officially depressed or just really hating life right now. I did go out to lunch with the Friday lunch group. Then I took my eldest to his therapist. That lasted much longer than usual, since we were a bit early and he let someone else take his spot citing an "emergency". So all-in-all we were there over two hours for an hour appointment. However, we figured we'd make it up and go to Red Robin for dinner. But there, there was even more waiting. Not bad, though, about 20 minutes.

Every day I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. Lots of days, I do. I go to bed early, too, some nights. Like last night, I got to bed at 8-something. That was nice. The kids went to bed early, too. If I didn't have to get up and do things like appointments and picking the kids up from school, I don't know how long I would sleep.

Yes, I have thoughts of self-harm. I want to take anti-anxiety pills (Ativan), anti-allergy pills (Benedryl) and alcohol (Burbon) and fall dreamily asleep. Yup. If I can't type it here, where can I type it? So far, I have resisted the idea, mostly by the insistance of friends - both in real life and online. Why haven't I called psych ER? Its so complicated going there. And the negative feelings often happen at night, though not exclusively.

So here it is, night again. What to do, what to do? Wait out the long weekend? I do have plans tomorrow with a friend so that should keep me distracted. I can't believe it was a whole week ago that he and I ate at that Asian restaurant where my food was so spicey! OUCH! At the moment, I have laundry going and will have to wait another hour or so before that is done.

So this may be depression. I'm not sure. I at least can get out of the house. I'm not catatonic watching the wall. I'm not crying. However, ever since eating the hot Asian food last week, my eyes tend to water without provocation. People notice and point it out, asking, "Is something wrong?" Odd to have a tear or two running down your cheek and have to say no, but nope, nothing is wrong. In fact, I don't feel sad as much as I feel incredibly anxious- that bad things are going to happen. I can't distract myself enough. I suppose I could call my pdoc on Monday, but I should have called today! Darn it. There's always Psych ER to call if things get worse.Like if that trio becomes more of a good idea to me.

I'm wondering if this isn't a mixed episode now. The anxiety is awful.

Fade Away

The last several days I think I've been depressed. All I've wanted to do is stay in bed- the majority of which I'm asleep. My dreams are vivid. When I'm awake, I post about wanting to die. So much so, that I scared the people on a bipolar bulletin board I belong to. I just wanted to fade away into nothing and never wake up. Then I'd describe the various ways that I could do that- mainly with various combinations of script and non-script pills.

I don't know if this is just a low following my mania, or if its unrelated. I'd love to be in bed right now. I sleep about 18 hours a day and don't get groggy after. I think I might put my pajamas back on. I can't be bothered to do laundry or get a shower. Its only 4:30 p.m. The title to my post on the board was "Black". That's how I felt. Like there is no color, only black. I wanted to take Ativan and Benedryl at the same time and maybe some burbon. Just to check out for a bit. Nothing permanant. No, I didn't call the psych ER. No, I didn't call my psych. Dr. I just am in a funk. I think posting on that board has kept me from doing any of these things because they'd post how concerned they were for me. Telling me I should call the psych ER. But I know that the psych ER might want me to come in and I can't do that because I have kids here I have to watch. I know. Doesn't make sense. Welcome to my brain.

No more hallucinations, except I did just think I saw the cat, again. He ran up the stairs and then wasn't there. Nothing like what happened on Saturday with the photograph of the girl and the coffee beans.

They can't put me on anti-depressants because they make me hypomanic and maybe manic. So I guess the only alternative is to up my zyprexa and who needs that?

I posted here because my friend G.V. said he hadn't seen any posts on my blog in a while so here is one. Sorry its a negative one.

Starbucks & Stuttering

Met someone that shows up at Starbucks nearly every time I do. He said his name is Kenwa. Interesting name. Wonder if the three of us- me, my friend and this person- will talk more now. I feel on edge. Bored really. I don't have my earphones so videos are out of the question.The boards here are slow because its Saturday. Sometimes, I really hate myself. I hate bipolar. I hate just being. What a curse. It ate my brain. Munch.I am out with my friend but I still feel a bit weird. But this is just anxiety I think. My friend is talking about nuclear fallout. Nice. My favorite subject. He did buy me a coffee though. I wonder if we'll go out to eat later. Its only 3 right now. What do i care about nuclear fallout? A bomb could go off a mile from here and what would I care?

I was just looking at a photo on the wall of a woman. She is life-size. She's holding a basket of coffee beans. She has a fake smile on. The more I looked at her, the more she changed. Her face became a mean face. It became the face of the devil! She didn't want me looking at her! I continued, however. Her face changed from mean to happy to mean again. Her basket changed and moved too. Was she nice or was she evil? I still can't tell. Her expression changed from one to the other. Her eyes, too, changed from nice to menacing. Her lips curled up into a pucker of disdain for me.

I've also noticed, as of late, that I stutter. I can't get a word started, or if I do, it get stuck for quite a few seconds before it comes out. Its not just that I can't get the words out, but a mix between that and not knowing what word might come out! They really do get stuck! Its especially frontal consonants like "P"s and "D"s. I'm not sure if its one of my medications doing that or if its something else. I would guess that I'm trying to get words out so quickly that I'm stumbling, but it really feels more like they get stuck mid-syllable and take a few seconds to become un-stuck.I'll have to remember this for next time I talk with my psychiatrist.

Detached

I was going to copy and paste into here but my machine decided to go nuts on me when I tried so I'll just type.

At our Friday lunch with friends today, I felt odd. I felt detached from the world, and yet anxious without the negative feeling. I felt detached from the world. I felt the bathroom wall with my finger tips because it was made of stone and this is something that I only ever do if in some type of mood episode. I called my psychiatrist and she didn't think it was anything dangerous- no delusions or hallucinations, or medication mishaps- so I am left to ride it out. Someone at lunch when I was eating asked if I were okay. At this point, I still felt fine so I said yeah I don't know what's up. She commented on the fact that my eyes were watering and I was blowing my nose as if my dish were spicey- but it wasn't. I'm shaking a bit now, and just have an overwhelming want to detach from the world and float away. I don't feel bad like its anxiety, but it has halmarks of anxiety, I'll admit. I managed to drive home from the restaurant, pick up my kids from school, and get some supplements at the drug store. (One was buy-one-get-one-free!)

I will have to keep a watch on it. Last night, I was anxious and took ativan and benedryl to get to sleep. Maybe its leftover from that? But my day was fine. Lunch with friends should be a fun time! Tomorrow, I'm spending the day with one of my closest friends, so that should be a good day, too. We will probably spend part of it in Starbucks. Now to just finish the laundry I started and get a good night's rest.

Took two Benedryl and an Ativan. Nothing happening. Must need more....

Still feel the same and its an hour later. I'm wonder if I'm in a mixed episode- aggitated and depressed. Manic and depressed.hmmmmm If I can sleep! I took my usual pills for the night. I wonder if they will help.

So Much For Mania

I am sitting eating my second meal for the day: granola cereal. I took my eldest to his yearly dr checkup this morning. All is fine. We even went out to eat after. So why do I feel anxious? I have visions of not onĺy impaling myself but of downright just killing myself anyway I can. So much for mania. The music my son is playing is grating on my nerves. Where are the knives? I took a nap in Starbucks earlier. Time flew by. My eldest says he's lost weight since going off Risperdal. That's good. I'm never going off Zyprexa. Even by accident seems to create havoc.

Lately, I feel like I am no good at anything. That I'm lost in a loop of unproductivity. Look at how wonderful my sister's life is! And look at me. I suck. For as nice as I am to people, I still suck. Nobody seems to want me. Sometimes people say that I'm great, but I want to hear that more and from more people, I guess.

I'd like to publish what I've written here, but it seems such a long-shot.

I feel like my left-over migraine is part of this. I should take a pill for it just in case. I've tried a nap, coffee and food, now drugs. I should've gotten my blood drawn today, too, and I forgot again!

I want to hide away somewhere. There are too many things going on. I can't filter them out. Too much guitar. Too much YouTube. Too much someone on the phone. Too many complaining people. I must get out of here. But how? Fly? Fun? Or just walk? Noise overload!!!

It's now six hours later and I'm feeling like taking Benedryl and ativan at the same time. I can't stand this feeling scratching and knawing at my insides. Earlier, I heard a helecoptor go very close over the the house and I thought they were landing for me! It doesn't help that in amongst all this, the "Cylandrical Sex Seconds" person finally ended our relationship. That sounds so final, but I've said that how many times and its never over. I'm more "meh" about the relationship being over, but then I think about it and it has been whiddling down to almost nothing for over a year now. Back to the feeling, it just won't go away. A friend suggested that I call the psych ER but eh, I don't feel like it. So much for mania. Which it were back. This sucks.

I broke down and took ativan. I hope it helps me calm down. The knawing feeling sucks. Its like a creature is trying to knaw its way out of my body. If it doesn't work, I will try Benedryl. Few minutes later: tried Benedryl. Feeling better. Don't care if its not pollitically correct.

New Diagnosis? Schizoaffective Bipolar type

I saw my pdoc today. I didn't think I had much to say, since the zyprexa seems to be doing its job. I'm improved over last time I saw her two weeks ago. I'm still having hallucinations of cats, though. One moment they are there and the next they are gone. So when I checked out, I got the printout that reminds me of when my next appointment is. Printed in amongst my info was "Diagnoses associated with this visit: Schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. Anxiety disorder". Never has she mentioned this before! And the anxiety? Yes I've had a lot lately but I don't remember telling her about it? So odd... So now I'm BP1 with schizoaffective? Or is this just for this one visit? I'm confused. Schizoaffective is when you hallucinate outside of a mood episode, I think. I wish they'd be something more entertaining than cats. Zyprexa is doing its job, that's for sure. Puh. Still miss my hallucinations. EDIT: Here on May 18, 2014, my diagnosis is still Schizoaffective, bipolar type. (There is also depressive type.)

Schizoaffective Disorder

From the link: Schizoaffective disorder (abbreviated as SZA or SAD ) is a mental disorder characterized by abnormal thought processes and deregulated emotions.[1][2] The diagnosis is made when the patient has features of both schizophrenia and a mood disorder—either bipolar or depression—but does not strictly meet diagnostic criteria for either alone.[1][2] The bipolar type is distinguished by symptoms ofmania, hypomania, or mixed episodes; the type by symptoms of depression is exclusive.[1][2] Common signs of the disorder include hallucinations, paranoid delusions, and disorganized speech and thinking.[3] The onset of symptoms usually begins in young adulthood, currently with an uncertain lifetime prevalence because the disorder was redefined, but DSM-IV prevalence estimates were less than 1 percent of the population, in the range of 0.5 to 0.8 percent.[4] Diagnosis is based on observed behavior and the patient's reported experiences.

Schizoaffective disorder is defined by mood disorder-free psychosis in the context of a long-term psychotic and mood disorder.[2] Psychosis must meet criterion A for schizophrenia which may include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech, thinking or behavior and negative symptoms.[2] Both delusions and hallucinations are classic symptoms of psychosis.[9] Delusions are false beliefs which are strongly held despite evidence to the contrary.[9] Beliefs should not be considered delusional if they are in keeping with cultural beliefs. Delusional beliefs may or may not reflect mood symptoms (for example, someone experiencing depression may or may not experience delusions of guilt). Hallucinations are disturbances in perception involving any of the five senses, although auditory hallucinations (or "hearing voices") are the most common.[9] A lack of responsiveness or negative symptoms include alogia (lack of spontaneous speech), blunted affect (reduced intensity of outward emotional expression), avolition (loss of motivation), and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure).[9] Negative symptoms can be more lasting and more debilitating than positive symptoms of psychosis.

Mood symptoms are of mania, hypomania, mixed episode, or depression, and tend to be episodic rather than continuous. A mixed episode represents a combination of symptoms of mania and depression at the same time. Symptoms of mania include elevated or irritable mood, grandiosity (inflated self-esteem), agitation, risk-taking behavior, decreased need for sleep, poor concentration, rapid speech, and racing thoughts.[9] Symptoms of depression include low mood, apathy, changes in appetite or weight, disturbances in sleep, changes in motor activity, fatigue, guilt or worthlessness, and suicidal thinking.

You can see how this is very similar to bipolar 1, but at the same time, it is different, especially when it comes to hallucinations. I still believe this is my true diagnosis, even though my new psychiatrist just has me down for a psychotic disorder not otherwise specified.

Stretched-out Moments

Looking at a photo of an old toy called the "Fisher Price Activity Center", I am taken way back. Back to a time which I am not supposed to be able to remember. To a time of big linoleum floors, floral aprons, and towering table and chairs. There is a dial to turn - like a rotary dial that goes nowhere. A spinning pinwheel that goes on forever. A stripe that turns and turns indefinitely. A mirror. I was sucked into this world for hours upon hours. Every little bit was its own little universe.

As I got older, something as simple as a tuft of grass could be its own world and I could stare at it for stretched-out moments on end. Now that I have kids, I see some of this in them:They can stare and take in the world indefinitely.

How much of this is bipolar? I don't know. But I always felt like I was special for the way I saw the world. As a teen, I would write poetry, some of which was noteworthy. Now, I still see the world differently- especially when manic. I'm not sure that I ever was what you'd call manic as a kid, but I know that my perception of the world was very different. I know that I was distraught a lot of times and was told I maybe depressed- or maybe "just a teenager". Yet I know that I was different. Always had been. I was "an alien castrato" (an earlier post here). I was different than most people and always had been.

I still feel like I see little things- little things to make up the big things. I can get lost in the little things for ages, just like the Fisher Price toy. My mother always told me that I could play for hours in my playpen as a baby. I believe it. I would just get facinated by objects. Anything. As a child, I'd stare at a glass ball, for example, and become fixated at the reflextions of light and of me. My paternal grandmother always yelled at me to stop touching things. I had to! I had to know what everything was about! When I get more manic now, its in how things feel- the details of the mortar between bricks, or how smooth a table-top feels. Its how cold the air is blowing across my face, or how the voices in a restaurant irritate me to no end. Its all about how turned-up the volume is. The older I get, the more this happens. I just think its always been there.

Police & EMT

A few years ago, I was at home looking through photos with my mother and sister one late afternoon. We got into a disagreement over whose they were: Were the ones of me mine or the ones of my mother's children hers? I got so upset that I got up and left the room and left the house.

I had tried to call my therapist because I really felt bad, but she didn't answer or call back. I got in the car. Driving, I got even more upset. I called my sister. What I said, I don't know; I just needed a friendly voice; she asked me where I was. "Walgreens", I said, and I was "going to kill myself", as I was driving past, and I pulled in. There I sat in the car, on the phone, oblivious to everything around me. My psychiatrist had called me back. We were talking about how I was feeling and thinking. I don't remember what the consensus was, only that my sister kept calling while I was talking with my doctor. I didn't answer, as I thought this was a more important conversation. Very soon after, I got out of the car, and was surrounded by two police cars and two police officers! They had parked me in. They asked me to get out of my car and took a cursory look with flashlights around my car. There I stood outside in the parking lot with two police officers, each standing sideways to me, guns in their belts and all. They asked me questions, most of which I've forgotten, but they did want to see my big, yellow purse. They asked to see inside it and proceeded to rifle through it, laughing the whole time. One asked if it were part of my camping equipment and I answered back, "Yes, that's my tent," referring to the size of my purse. No handcuffs for the smart remark, but I was locked in the back of the cruiser for a while; through the thick-glassed window, I watched them rifle through my purse some more. I had an extension cord in there - I think it was to charge my phone- which they found particularly odd.

It turns out that if you say you're going to kill yourself to your sister and then don't answer the phone, people get nervous.

Soon, an ambulance showed up. The EMT asked me if I had a mental illness diagnosis. I said that I have bipolar. I was allowed to have my purse back. I was looked over in the ambulance. My sister turned up not long after the ambulance did. She wanted to call the whole thing off- as if she'd never called 911. It was too late, the EMT said. So, off to the hospital we went. My sister said she'd pick me up later. The psych ER just talked with me and I don't remember what was said, but they didn't think that I needed to be admitted. So I was released and called my sister to come pick me up. She seemed to think it was a serious situation and was very loving toward me. We had a lovely conversation on the way home.

Before Diagnosis

Its pretty common to not get diagnosed bipolar until later in life. I was 33. Prior to this, I had been diagnosed with depression- mostly ante-partum and post-partum depression during and after my three pregnacies. After my first trimester each time, I was put on Zoloft, an anti-depressant. This seemed to help the depressive thoughts. Howevever, right after the birth of my third (Sept 2001), I was having some pretty bad intrusive thoughts. In the shower one day with my 2-year-old daughter, as I was washing her hair, I saw my hands crushing her skull, the bones breaking under my force, the blood and brain material oozing.... One day, I had driven to the mall with the kids. On the way, I'd had visions of driving the car into on-coming traffic. It was so vivid that I found a payphone and called my mom to come get me. We ended up at my sister's apartment. None of these things phased my psychiatrist at the time. She was supposedly "big" into post-partum depression, too. My OB/GYN, however, was concerned, because a few months earlier there had been a story of Andrea Yates having post-partum psychosis and drowning all of her children. When I'd called my psychiatrist with these symptoms, her only response was to keep my on the Zoloft. Knowing what I know now, I think this fell way short.

Another episode happened after my daughter's birth in 1999. I was sitting in the bathroom looking out the window. I saw orange rectangles in the sky! I looked out and then back into the bathroom. No orange rectangles in the bathroom- only outside. I thought there were alien spaceshipts outside! I called my husband in who told me that there was nothing odd outside. Still, noone found this episode strange.

At age sixteen, I asked to be taken to a psychiatrist. I knew something wasn't right. It was in the way I was thinking, as I recall. My thought patterns were different, I thought. Also, at times, I'd have episodes of screaming at people- screaming at the top of my lungs- so much so that you couldn't understand what I was saying.The psychiatrist had argyle socks and was very "Freudian" in his ways. He told me I was a normal teenager! I was upset at the way he wrote everything down yet didn't talk back to me.

A few years later, I saw another psychiatrist. I looked out the window a lot of the time because I didn't want to be there. She decided I had what amounted today to be ADD. Still, we got not diagnosis. And, like before, I knew something was wrong, yet we got no closer to a bipolar diagnosis. Still, it was one or two appointments and that was it.

In early 1999, when I was early pregnant with my daughter, I went to see a different psychiatrist as we were living in a new state at the time. I described how I was feeling- how I was thinking. I thought some of it stemned from being a child of an alcoholic. I even went to see a specialist in this. But all I was told was that I was normal! This psychiatrist looked me straight in the face and told me I was "normal". I know for certain that bipolar was creeping up and I was confused. So confused! When you're not diagnosed, the symptoms of bipolar can just look like you like to shop or that you are very happy or that you- as happened to me once- lay on the bed catatonic all day.

People can suffer for many years before they are diagnosed and treated for bipolar. They are often diagnosed as having depression and put on antidepressants which can put them into a hypomanic or manic state. They are often overlooked, so that dangerous states can happen, like wanting to drive into on-comming traffic. It takes many years to get diagnosed and then the medications tweaked to a theraputic level. And even then there are breakthrough episodes, as evidenced by my recent manic episode. Here's to all those suffering.

Guilty

I feel guilty a lot. Like I don't do enough. Or am not good enough. Or like everything is my fault. It happens a lot at night. Maybe when that's when I have more time to think. I just took a long, early nap and am feeling that way. I woke up from the nap and its only 8 p.m. Now will I be up late or go to bed on time? I feel like people are going to be angry with me. I'm not sure about what. Whatever bad that I did. Right now, I'm watching "Golden Girls". I'm sure I suck. I want donuts. I didn't have dinner. I saw two friends today. That was okay. I am guilty of being a bad person. Should I have some Ativan? Or should I stay up tonight watching tv? My recorded shows are going to run out. I know I don't spend enough time with my kids; I didn't today. Tomorrow they have the day off school again. What to do? I have laundry to do. I should clean. I just am bad at getting things done. I did take my youngest to an arcade recently. We played on that dance dance revolution knock off game. He loves that game. The arcade is closed for the season now as its also mini golf. I don't do "life" in general very well. I am in a financial mess. Is that a bipolar thing? I'm sitting here in the dark typing this. Cursor is going blink blink blink. I saw a friend today who just seems to ogle me, rather than love me. Another friend seems to love me in a nice, close friendship way. Both went to coffee with me today. Maybe I'll be more productive tomorrow.

Age & Memory

I found out that I have bipolar at age 33. This is true for a lot of people: They aren't diagnosed until later in life. Three weeks ago, I had a manic episode. About a year before that, I had another manic episode. Each presented itself differently, but still they were classified as manic episodes. How long did it feel between episodes? Not long! I am now 41. It seems I was just diagnosed with bipolar 1. But its been 8 years. How can that be? As we age, a year becomes a smaller proportion of our total life lived, and so it seems to go by more quickly. When I was 10, the years seemed to go by slowly, so that every Christmas was new and fun. This year, Christmas is coming up again in two months and I distinctly remember my friend coming to visit and our sitting together by the fire and talking the day away this past Christmas. The phrase, "I remember it like it was yesterday" is often used because of the splicing phenomenon where as we age one year becomes a smaller and small portion of your life. We also become better at remembering things and we have more memories in general to recall on, so this makes it seem like the event was closer to us.

At the same time, one of the reasons I keep this blog is so that I don't forget the events that I go through relating to bipolar. The further one gets from an event, the easier it is to distort that event in one's memory. It gets thinned out and changed as time goes by. If you were to ask me, for example, about my manic episode this past month, I could tell you that I wanted to play in traffic and that I thought angels were talking to me and that the sun was giving me messages, but the details of that would be gone. This happens to everybody, more or less, but this blog is a good way for me to remember how I was feeling at the time; not only that but its a good way to remember how I was thinking. In the long run, it can tell me how I was feeling from month to month and year to year, from manic episode to manic episode and everything in between. When I go back and read older entries, I think, "Aha! I remember that!" My hope is that others can learn from my candid entries, as I keep a record of my moods and thoughts. Maybe, in time, I can also learn from my past and avert an episode when similar symptoms arise.

Also, some of the medications can affect memory, like Topomax, but that gets better over time. I had a period of time where I had a terrible time with my short term memory; I would go to do something and immediately forget what it was. What's more, I would go to write down what I was going to do and forget what it was before I could write it down! It got really bad for a while and was quite annoying. I had a hard time functioning because the second I thought of something to do, it was gone.

So some of it is getting older, some of it is normal sense of time and some of it is side effects of medications.

Dear Bipolar

Dear bipolar,

You are my best friend. We are one.

The separation between us is none.

You give me messages through the sun.

You come and go,

But are never done.

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

Yes, I know I refer to Alice in Wonderland a lot here, but this is a real syndrome. I'm not sure that its specifically a bipolar thing, but it does deal with altered states of mind and I was thinking of it this evening so I thought I'd write about it.

One day- maybe last year, maybe two years- I went into the bathroom. As I stood in front of the toilet, I gradually began to feel as if the toilet were very far down- very far away. As I continued to stare, it appeared as though I had grown very very tall- maybe ten feet tall! I kept standing there, looking down from on high. My arms felt longer. My legs felt longer, too. An overwhelming sensation of leaning over the toilet from way up on high filled me- maybe even a feeling of floating above everything. There were no Skittles to eat, and no rabbit to talk with. The sensation lasted several minutes. I don't remember coming down- literally- from this. I only felt like I had turned into Alice in that tiny little room after eating or drinking the food with a little note on it. I have since read that this is a real syndrome and that sometimes they can be precursers to migraines, though I felt no pain or nausea at the time.

Edit: Since I've written this, I've showed it to people on a bipolar board I belong to online. Many of them say they've experienced the same thing, albeit one said it was on LSD. One relayed having hands really big while driving, dwarfing her steering wheel. Another said it was while she was manic. I can't remember if my episode was while manic. I would have to say that I don't think it was; it was several years ago, and my definite manic episodes were just a few weeks ago and a year ago.

Bipolar Research Study 2

So today was the yearly bipolar study. This was my fifth year. Some people have been in as long as seven. I was there from about 9 until 12:30. There were lots of "games" to play. Some were fun like the Wisconsin Card Sorting Test. In this game, are given five cards with various numbers of colored symbols. You try to match them without having gotten any rules. You are only told "correct" or "incorrect". Just as you get a few in a row "correct", you begin to get more "incorrect" again! The rules change on you. So you may have been matching numbers of symbols on the cards, but now you're matching colors. You have to adapt and figure this out. I think its a fun game! There were other games like letters flashing on a screen and every time you saw an "x", "y", or "z" you were to press the "n" key. And then, you weren't to press it if it showed up twice in a row. Same for another game where there wer various numbers of boxes on a screen. Inside was a blue square. You could find the squares by clicking on the boxes. Your job was to remember where you'd already been and empty the boxes quickly. Then there was remembering lists of things. Of course, my memory got worse as the time went by. When we started, I was showed fifty pages with one drawing of an item, like a park bench or an ice cream cone on each. I was just told to remember them. Then, we went through them again but this time, there was another item on the page with it and I had to say which item was on the original list. This was much easier for me than just remembering lists of words by sound. (We did this, also. With that I had to recall and recite.) I just had to point to the item that did or did not belong to the original 50 items. In fact, throughout this whole exercise, I didn't get one item wrong! And we did it a couple of sets worth, too! There was a test which the object was to identify the emotion in the person's voice. We did this with a tape recorder- the clinition commented on how "old" the machine was! I had to point to either "happy", "sad", "angry", "neutral" or one more I can't remember right now. I also did something similar with a computer with faces flashed quickly at me.

All-in-all, it was a fun time for what it was. Oh, and I got blood drawn, too. I tried to ask what some of the prelimary results were, but they said they're only now starting to get some after 7 years into the study. I know that they are using our genes to see if there is a component and that as of Sept. 2013, there are 927 enrolled. A newletter I got about the study states, "The Heinz C. Prechter Bipolar Genetics Repository and Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder were launched in 2006 and remain the flagship project. The Logitudinal Study will follow individuals over the course of 10 years with the goal of identifying potential illness patterns in bipolar disorder." More at Prechterfund.org

Nothing Much & Old Friends

Nothing much has been going on the last few days. Having access to posting all the time really makes me wonder just what is there to post! I saw S.B. yesterday for the first time in a year and three months. It was really very nice.It was nice to talk with an old friend- a worn-in friendship. Comfortable. We said we'd have to get together a lot sooner than a year plus next time. We've known each other for 7 years. It hardly seems possible. He's one I can always talk to about my bipolar and not fear that he's going to run away, as he's got a doctorate in behavioral pharmacology.

I said nothing much has been going on, but I guess I meant in terms of bipolar. The new dose of Zyprexa has kicked in and the intrusive thoughts are at bay for the time being. Haven't had one in several days, anyway. I've been enjoying my new tablet still and am using it to type this, which was its intended purpose. When I have the need to post here, I need to be able to post at the time and not wait to borrow a computer like before. Its amazing that I could borrow one as often as I posted when manic, recently. Tomorrow, I go for the yearly bipolar study appointment. That should last about three hours, they said. I really don't get paid that much, considering, but then again, I just answer the questions honestly about how I've been feeling and what my experiences have been. This year, I've been manic, so there will be something to tell about! Last year, I said something similar- that I'd been hospitalized then too and wasn't it great that there would be so much to tell them! They were not amused and couldn't see why I'd see that as a bonus. Ha! I still see that I'll have more to talk about this year what with having been manic and hospitalized. I'm sure they'll just tell me that mania is not a joke. Har har.

I have also been posting quite a lot on a bulletin board for bipolar people. Its part of a larger forum for mental health. I have noticed that I've been more active, as I keep hitting refresh to see if there are any new posts or any new replies. I don't know what that's about. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I'm a bit hypomanic? Its like the board isn't going quickly enough for me. Oh- and about typing into this blog, when I was using the virtual keyboard that came with the tablet, the keyboard took up all but a skinny line for where the text showed up! Now, with the external keyboard, I can see a huge square in which to type. Much better!

Research Study

For about five years now, I've been involved in a longitudinal bipolar research study at a local university. They take blood and study your genetics and ask many questions over several hours at this yearly visit. There are plenty of "games" to "play" that involve remembering grocery lists and finding patterns. At the first visit, they got a lot of history, like when you first hallucinated and what other symptoms may have shown up when.  During the year, about every other month, they send you a stack of papers to answer questions about how you've been feeling recently. Its very boring, but you get paid about $15 for about 15 minutes of work. They pay you when they see you at the end of the year office visit, including for that office visit. I'm not sure when they will find the results as the study has been going on for at least 5 years that I know of. They have off-shoot studies like teen children of people with bipolar. My younger son signed up for that. I hope its not too difficult for him or that he decides to quit mid-study. If I have more to say next week after my study visit, I will update this entry.

Missing Angels

I'm sitting here writing with the external keyboard looking at the tablet I bought feeling like I hate myself. I'm not sure why. I wrote an email to another friend today that I hadn't heard from in a long time. I'll be anxious to hear from him. I just feel anxious right now. Ativan? Its at home. So its just me and the anxiety. Besides, my pdoc didn't want me to take it too often. I haven't had any in a few days. I don't keep it in my purse. Its not like I get high from it; I just get a bit more calm.

So its me and the anxiety. Maybe its because I heard from my dad on the phone this afternoon and he doesn't sound too great. He's still sick and has been for at least a month. Maybe I just don't have anything to do. I have this blog to type into and nothing to say! What the heck! When I was manic, I had everything in the world to say. I do miss that part of being manic: the creativity. (There's a man sitting near me who looks homeless and more than that keeps coughing this terrible cough. I hope its not catching!) I really feel like the angels are missing. I want them back. I really do. Please come give me messages again. Come sing to me. I could play In Paradisum again, I suppose. Lately, I've been listening to Allegri's Miserere which has been a favorite piece of mine since I was 16. I've heard many renditions, but this is the newest. I am partial to boy choirs singing it, but these women do a very nice job, especially the top soloist. These angels will have to suffice. All the angels from the past recordings are in my mind singing, "Have mercy upon me..." I still hate myself, but this music calms me. I'll never sing like these people. I'm too out-of-practice and, frankly, too old, but I can still listen. The hate feelings are still there and I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. Angels come to me. Where are you? Where where where are you? Comfort me again. Tell me that everything is right in the world. That I am invincible. That I am okay. That you are waiting for me. Come back. Come back to me and give me that blissful feeling of warmth. Wrap yourself around me and protect me. I know everything and am everything when you are with me. Return again and sing your seraphim selves as one, enveloping me and taking me with you, rising up, up and up.

Follow Up

Today I have my follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. That's not for two more hours, though. In the meantime,I'm at Starbucks kind of bored. How can I be bored with my new tablet? I don't know! This post will get edited once I've seen my psychiatrist. I will have to tell her about the disappearing cat and the intrusive thoughts. Its supposed to be a follow-up from my hospital stay. I can't guess what she will say. Maybe up my medication yet again?

I wrote an email to a long-time (10 years) pen-pal today. That felt good. It was about how I've been doing the last month though so we'll see what he thinks. Last time I wrote him, he said he didn't know my bipolar was that bad to have had hallucinations. He seemed concerned. Now after telling him the very brief version of my latest mania episode, I think he'll be even more worried. But he and I have quite a close bond so I'm not too worried about it. I think he'll know I'm doing what I should be. I'll be interested to see what he replies, as always.

Well, it wasn't as exciting as I thought. She just said if the intrusive thoughts get to be actual plans then call.She said I seem a lot more calm than when she talked to me the day I went to the hospital. I think the fact that I can push the thoughts away means that I shouldn't worry about them. They are annoying, though. And graphic! I tried to relay this to my dr but she just said that they weren't that bad unless I was making plans to actually carry them out. She's also having a baby, which is why my last psychiatrist left, though she assured me she's coming back after she has the baby. We decided to stay on this dose of Zyprexa for now, too. She mentioned increasing it, but not yet. She thinks decreasing it three months ago was the cause of my hospitalization- in part, at least.

So for now, I guess I continue to be annoyed by the visions. I'm not sure she knows just how vivid they actually are. She tried to ask me if I want to carry them out. When i think of them, I do, but at the same they just play and are gone.

Visions

I keep having intrusive thoughts. I am hallucinating now too. The visions of stabbing myself won`t go away. They are here every day. I try to ignore them but they just play. The hallucinations are visual.... of a cat walking by. This is beginning to get out of control. Someone asked me how I'm doing since being out of the hospital. Truth is I'm better but not. Different issues. I know I see my pdoc tomorrow so thats good. Then tomorrow night I take my son to a sleep study and I have to sleep there too.

I still...

I still want to impale myself. It starts off as a dull feeling as the knife hits resistance then it quickly slides in as resistance lets go. Only this time, I do it two and three times. I am weak. I fall. The metal clangs loudly on the floor. Nobody seems to care about these visions. I see my psych dr tomorrow.

Another unexpected Hallucination

As I was sitting in the school office waiting for my son it happened: A black cat dashed at my feet and underneath the chair next to me. Poof! It disappered! Another unexpected hallucination.

Intrusive Thoughts Worse

I'm having many more intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself. I think it's because I feel stressed because I had my foodstamps cut off. I was supposed to get a call the morning I went to the hospital but I missed it. I don't know how because I was staring at the phone the whole time. The intrusive thoughts are worse tonight. Maybe some Ativan will help. I just will get skinny now. Me who just bought a computer. Don't hate. I hate myself enough. Bad intrusive thoughts! Triggers. They let me out of the hospital with these thoughts. I guess I could call the psych ER.

EDIT: I called the psych ER which transfered me to the psych unit I was on which retransferred me to the psych ER. All I was told was to take Ativan, but not two pills, just one. Nobody seemed to care too very much. But here's what plays in my mind: I have a long kitchen knife in my hand. Quickly, from below, I dart with one smooth motion, up and under my ribs. The impact is sharp, then dull as it presses through the layers. Its strangely satisfying. It hits the inner side of my left ribs as it tears my lung and heart. There is blood. Lots and lots of blood. I feel numb. My hands are covered. I drop the knife.

The Night Before

The night before. I'd forgotten about this until I saw a text I'd written to a friend about it.

The night before I went into the psych hospital, I had police at my door. They wanted to know if everything was alright. They seemed to think I was okay, to look at me. I was calm. Collected. If they only knew! If they only knew where my mind had been that day- where it would be the next day! They asked to talk to another family member to make sure I'd be okay through the night. That was that. I think I skated by that one.

I hadn't called the police. It was an online friend that I've never met several states away! He didn't like how I was behaving, I guess, that day. He asked me weird questions like, "What's your middle name?" and "What's your phone number?" I was mad when I found out why he wanted to know! I thought he was being friendly and was going to phone me! (He reads this blog, so, "Hi!") I was mad at him for a few hours. Who needs police at their door? I certainly didn't think I did! I mean, I was fine! I was manic. Ha!

Anyway, that was "the night before". Nothing really major happened. They just talked with me for five minutes and then left. I'd just forgotten to blog about it what in scramble the next day going to the ER then being admitted.

I Did it. Still Manic?

The day I went into the hospital, I went shopping for a tablet computer with keyboard. I managed to resist buying one. But just now, I ordered one from Amazon.com. I don't know if that means there's still some manic in me or not. I just had a lot of money in my account from being in the hospital and not being able to spend it so I thought, "Heck! Why not?" So I did. I got a Galaxy Tab 3 with an external keyboard. Now should I feel buyer's remorse? I'm still too high to care. Its coming in the mail inside a week and I'm excited. I won't have to borrow my friend's laptop anymore to type into this blog, or emails or Facebook. I don't know if there is a port for uploading anything. Should've looked. Here is a page showing the case with the tablet. I hope its a good little tablet and the keyboard is easy to type on.

Leaving today/Meeting. (Day 10)

Nothing much going on except groups. There is to be a meeting today at 2:30 with my mom and possibly K. He's not too thrilled about coming. In fact, he hasn't even said he will. He just mumbled and hemmed and hawed at me. Apparently, going to his mother's is much more important. The dr's want him there as support and to make sure people will be around me to keep me safe, I guess. We shall see what happens. Off to another group....

Edit: I had the meeting. K was there. I was so happy he showed up. The meeting wasn't as bad as I thought. Mostly getting my mom and K to understand just what mania is and how I was when I was admitted. How they could many catch the symptoms before they get too bad. I still don't see how they could do this as a lot of them are part of my normal personality! An example that was brought up was before I went inpatient, I was out at K-Mart with K. We were in the camping section. I stared, way down the isle. I threw my arms out and exclaimed, "BUY ME A THERMOS!!" He actually went and looked at the price! My mom said that she wouldn't have thought twice because this is just my personality. K also said that I also seem more manic when I asked to use his laptop more often to post on this blog. (Of course, how do you know? I'm typing on it right now!) I was prescribed about a week's worth of various drugs, none of which are new to me so I don't understand that, but I picked them up anyway. The only thing that is new is the double dose of Zyprexa and I have plenty of that left over from when I was picking up the double dose but only taking the single several months back. One thing I don't understand is that my diagnosis at discharge was bipolar 297.7 which is just "bipolar unspecified", when they specifically said I had "bipolar manic". One of the doctors said maybe one sign of mania for my friends and relatives might be if I start cleaning my room or start a bunch of projects. That wasn't what happened this time. I did blog a lot, though, and somewhere deep inside me I still believe those posts: Somewhere, I still want to buy a computer tablet. They haven't gone away. What I typed is still part of me. Still very much me.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BOUNCY! BOUNCY! BOUNCY!

I can't sit still!! Hands, feet, up, down, round and round and round and round.... This is the first time since being admitted. I don't know where it came from. The nurse just gave me double the dose of Ativan. We'll see if it does anything as its usually the dose I take at home. Then again, I haven't had it in a while. I also am having those intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself. They are vivid visions of taking a knife to my abdomen from below. They just play. I'm not actively sad, or mad, or thinking that I want to die. I guess they are just taking care of both birds with one (two) stones.

Edit: An hour later, and now the bouncing has stopped. I'm really mellow and want to go to sleep. Sitting here, I could just melt into the chair. And I would, too, if I weren't chatting with a few friends on Facebook right now. I'll have to cut that short and put on my PJ's and slip into bed.

Fall! Flung? Spring! Sprung? (Day 9)

Today my meeting with "the Bobs" consisted of them telling me they might spring me outta this place tomorrow! They did mention the step-down place, but they seemed to act like I could just go home from here after they talk with my mom. (They did the same thing last year. This year, however, I'm not nervous about it like I was before.) So that should be Thursday: Day 10. They said the step-down place wasn't convinced that I would be safe not to just run away from their house. They said I said this. I totally didn't and don't remember saying this. Heh- who knows: Maybe I would've run away. Somehow I doubt it, but you never know. Is it THAT bad? What kind of house is it, anyway? A really nice house, or a run-down place that hasn't been updated since the '70's with wood panneling and olive green and orange decore?

I made a frog sun catcher today. I think I'm going to give it to my aunt as she loves frogs. Its spots are blue and yellow. Not realistic, but its cool anyway. We went to the gym again and played shuffle board which was tied for the score. I'm not bad at it, if I must say. I did sleep through one of my groups: the first one. I just felt really tired this morning.

Its going to be hard to transition back to regular life, but at least tonight my friend, K, is coming to see me. We will get coffee together as usual when I get back out. We've got a new puppy at home that I haven't yet seen so I'll be looking forward to seeing it, but not to cleaning up after it. One good thing about this is that I haven't spent any money for 10 days. Part of that though, is I haven't been able to pay my phone bill so my phone is dead as a doornail in my cubby here at the hospital. I'll have to go pay it when I first get out.

I worry about relapsing, but everybody seems to think I'm okay so far. They keep talking about watching my symptoms go downhill and not letting them get so bad next time. The problem is that they get bad so gradually that you don't see that they are bad until they are pretty bad and you call for help when they are pretty bad but you don't get a doctor to call you back or a psych-ER nurse to believe you until they are really bad. In fact, the psych-ER nurse never believed me. It was my psychiatrist who finally called me back a day later and believed what I was telling her about walking into traffic and flying off balconies. That's when she said to drive myself to the hospital or she'd call an ambulance. I knew the Fall was doing to be a bad time for me, but I didn't know how and I didn't know when. Now I know. I just hope the bandaid of doubling my Zyprexa is going to be enough.

Step Down? (Day 8)

They were going to send me to a "step-down" place called "Crisis Residential". Its a house where you stay that still doles out meds. You have to be safe enough not to run away, though. Its in town. They interviewed me earlier this afternoon and decided that I'm not okay to go there so I'm here for another two days and then they're reassess. However, I get to go off the unit to the cafeteria in the hospital to eat with my mom tonight. Woohoo, I guess, right?

This might be due to the face that I told them I'd had visions of stabbing myself. This is not new to me, but to them it may be a big deal. Ha! They also just took my temperature and it was 99.2. Its elevated a bit. Wonder if I'm coming down with something. Usually, I run low in the 97's. Also, if I do go to the Crisis Residential place, I wonder if they'll have a computer so I can blog. I'll go into withdrawl without a way to vent!

Of Two Minds (Day 7)

I just had another meeting with "the Bobs". They wanted to know if they broke open a window from here (9 floors up) would I fly out. I told them I'd fly for a moment but then fall. They asked what about one storey up- like the balcony I wrote about here at Meijer- and I said I might. I said I'm of two minds: One says I can and the other says I can't. They said they want to send me to a step-down house or something instead of keeping me here. They can give me my meds but its not as strict of a place. They also said they want to make me a "level 1" here so I can go to the gym or go on walks outside with supervision. The one doctor kept laughing at me. I don't see anything funny. They increased my heparin shots from 1 to 2 a day. I told them my thoughts have gone from a stereo sound dial on 9 down to a 2 or 3: Still there, but very quiet. They mentioned putting me on another drug. That's all they said. I forgot to ask what and when. I'm not sure about going somewhere else. I need to call my case worker about recertification. Ugh. I missed the phone call the day I came in here; actually, they were late calling by over an hour or two and then my phone wasn't able to work here; I don't know who my case worker is. I'm hoping the papers I copied can be found because the info is on there. I know for sure its not here. Plus my phone never got paid - it was due on the 2nd- so even if it wasn't locked up downstairs, nobody can can get ahold of me.

Social/They Aren't Happy with Me (Day 6)

My ex-husband and youngest son came to visit me today. I got hugs from my son. That was so nice! Also, my friend, C, came to see me, as well as K (again). All and all, it was a very nice social day.

I had a migraine, though, and its still not totally gone, even though I got two Immitrex. Dinner is in a few minutes; maybe that will help.

I'm still on "ward" status. That basically is "level zero" even though they don't call it that. That means I have to stay on the floor here and not allowed to leave at all- not even with supervision. That also maybe translates into how soon I might get out of here. I'm not sure, because the last time I was here I don't remember getting moved up and levels and I obviously left.

I also got a shower and am doing laundry. I feel very refreshed! I will read more of my book tonight. I filled out some papers that are required before you leave about what your plans are when you are out for the first 48 hours. Maybe that is a sign? Maybe they are getting ready to let me go? I really don't know. I just know that unless I can say 110% that the thoughts of flying are gone, they aren't happy with me.

On a happier note, we are having another movie, tonight! "Red" with Morgan Freeman. Should be good. There will be popcorn, too!

Uncharted Territory (Day 6)

Dr. C just pulled me out of Music Therapy to have a meeting. This isn't unusual- they do this to everybody every so often. He asked me if I thought I could fly still. This must be some sort of mental trick to wear you down to agreeing with them; nurses and doctors keep asking me this every time they see me. "People can't fly..." etc. I told him I'd tell him what he wanted to hear if I could get out of here faster. He didn't like that answer, either! "How high would I have to jump from a balcony to be able to fly?" he wanted to know. Six floors? One floor? He asked if I were still getting messages from the sun. He drew a picture of the sun which reminded me of the Teletubbies sun. He wanted to know if I thought I were like Superman- invincible. Maybe that's it, though I don't remember thinking that I was Superman, at the time. Just that I never saw much bad happening to me. I told him I think the Zyprexa is slowing my brain down some, but that I still remember what I was thinking when I wanted to walk into traffic and when I wanted to fly and even though I might know I can't do those things I still believe in them somehow. The duality is still there.

I've been reading my book. Today is slow. We had stretching group and music therapy and that's it. That was fun. Two friends are supposed to visit, too. I hope they do. Today is day Six. Longer than I was here last time. I'm in uncharted territory.

Not My Fault (Day 5)

My nurse just came in my room to take my vitals etc. and made me cry! She asked me if I want to die, again. She asked if I thought I could fly. She asked if I thought I could walk into traffic and did I want to die from that. We talked about my kids. That's what made me cry. She said none of this is my fault. That mania just takes over my brain.

I just talked to my ex-husband. He's bringing the kids to see me tomorrow! Yay.

I still feel slowed down. My head hurts, but that's going away with coffee and Tylenol. My typing is fast, though! You can't tell that by reading this, though. hehe

Otherwise, I am still reading a book I found here, Carrie. I am completely bored unless on the computer. I invited my friend, K, to come see me, but he said he'd come by tomorrow. Oh well. Another friend, S.B., said he'd come see me today but he hasn't answered his phone. That's made me disappointed.

What My Dad Said (Day 4)

My dad is one of the few people who reads this blog regularly. Just a few days ago he said, "I love reading ur blog...love the way u write...your written 'voice' is wry to-the-point,ascerbic and cool!" How awesome is that?!

I Was Interesting, Darn it! (Day 4)

I've been sleeping most of the day away. I did go to two groups, but otherwise I've been reading Carrie by Stephen King or sleeping. It's 7:15 now and I'm half wanting to go back to bed and half thinking I've slept too much. Maybe I'll ask for more pajama bottoms as the ones I have are dirty. I think I'm infinitely here. I called my daughter as its her 14th birthday. They were out to dinner with her dad and grandpa and brothers.

I'm still looking out the windows here thinking of flying out. Its such a peaceful thought.

My dreams have been fun.

They keep coming in my room and giving me lots of Skittles, inhalers, and giving me a shot of Heparin. And they keep asking if I want a nicotine patch! How many times do I have to tell them I don't smoke? Maybe they think I'm lying. Maybe all bipolar people smoke? I don't know.

I think I'm going to be here forever. And I think I'm boring now that I'm on higher meds. Puh. I was interesting manic, darn it!

Wylie Coyote (Day 4)

A doctor just came by to check on me. He asked if I could fly still. He said I'd just fall and die. I told him no but maybe I could hover there for a bit before I fell and hurt myself. He didn't believe it. He says I still need to be on the Zyprexa. Ha. Like they were gonna let me off of it anyway. Then I said it was like Wylie Coyote. Hahaha. Oh well. This is turning into a weird mind-warp.

Clean is Amazing!!! / Doesn't make Sense (Day 3)

I got a shower! It felt amazing! I got new clean clothes. They feel amazing! I got to use my own shampoo and conditioner and hair tonic. They felt amazing! In short: I feel amazing!

I've gotten two heparin shots today. Its good because my INR has been low and the place I normally get it checked wouldn't run it because my "standing order" had run out! So they'd risk another clot?? I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of here to fix this either. Yes I know- I don't want to die by blood clot, but I wanted to run into traffic and jump off a balcony. Doesn't make sense.

Sleepy (Day 3)

Today I've only been to one group. Then I've been to breakfast and lunch but nothing else. I've just been sleeping. Now the groups are over. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. They haven't said anything to me. I just have been so tired. I don't even remember what my dreams were. I'm beginning to feel I don't need to be here but they talk about sending me to another place that isn't a hospital but that will still dole out my meds and that I'll sleep there. I need a shower. My mom might be coming for a visit later with shampoo and new clothes. I got my heparin shot. I feel like getting some more milk then getting back in bed and reading.

Like a Zombie! (Day 3)

It's only 9:15 a.m. and I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. I have a group starting in fifteen minutes- morning stretch group. I have an hour between groups, I think, so I might try to sneak in a nap.

My INR is low, so they said they are going to give me a shot of Lovenox at some point. Apparently, I got three times the dose of Zyprexa in the last 24 hours because of the "PRN" (as needed) dose that I got plus the new dose.

They keep asking how I'm feeling. Like a zombie! That's how I'm feeling! So I could just sleep the day away. I did talk with two of my good friends, SB and TH-P. They are great! They love me. I wish they were closer.

My mom is supposed to be bringing me some clothes and my shampoo and conditioner. Then I can get a shower. That will be nice!

I need to fill out my food choices list for tomorrow.

I think manic is more fun. I'd rather be manic than drugged like this. I'm feeling disappointed. I told them I wasn't feeling any negative feelings but I guess that's one. Disappointed. I did start reading a book. There's that. Not that I'll probably be able to finish it while I'm here.

Voluntary? - (Day 2)

I was just told that I had originally been admitted as involuntary. This means that I'd have to go before a judge. However, they'd changed their minds, and had my sign a paper that I'm here voluntarily. Now I hear I shouldn't have signed that? Gah! I don't know which is better! Now I'm nervous. I hate this!!

Its right before bed and I had coffee. I'm a little bit more awake- right at bedtime, right? Maybe I'll just feel like regular bedtime now not extra-drugged feeling.

My friend just visited me for a short bit. That was nice. I might make a phone call soon. I don't know what else to say.

The rabbit feels up and down at the same time and is confused and a bit angry.

Med Change (Day 2 Still)

They just informed me that they're taking my Zyprexa back up from 5 mg to 10 mg. Just where I was before. Ugh. Genius people. I want another drug, not this same one. And I just had a group which was all sharing. People were crying. Pleh!

Dinner is at 5:00. Its only 4:18. I hardly have enough to type in here to fill up that time! Now I feel stupid for being here. Just for a Zyprexa doseage increase? Really? I could've done that at home.

All I want to do is sleep. I can't see that the Ativan would make me this tired, but maybe double Zyprexa would.

My friends are still being good to me! Yay! They all say they still love me! This makes me happy.

Ex Principio (Day 2)

I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. No matter how nice these people are. The bathroom is locked. I can't stand to be in my own skin. I've said all this before. I have to go do shit and I don't want to. I'd rather be drugged. I am drugged but its not taking. They have everything locked. They don't seem to take me seriously when I tell them about the hallucinations. They just figured the drugs will take care of it. They don't stop to think that I might like them. So I am ex precipito- I'm outta here. I'm still just a rat in a cage, as they say. Nothing is going on except groups and eating. I'm still very tired but I have things to do. I can't take a nap. I got out some books to read but I don't know how sucessful that will be. I think I should lick the walls. That would get their attention. I want out of this body. Its driving me up the wall. Drugs or no drugs. I am in limbo. In a place I can't stand. I can't stand it at all. At least the hallucinations keep me entertained! I mean, I've never been in a marching band or a band at all and yet I hear tons of music of one with trumpet solos! In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

I'm bored. This isn't helping. The nurse just told me my heart rate was up. My blood pressure was up last night. She said the drugs she gave me should've kicked in by now, but they haven't! Whatever. Inside, I am buzzing and wanting to scream. I need to SCREAM!!!

Hallucinations de Hare -(Day 2)

Last night, I was in bed. I wasn't asleep yet. I was just laying there trying to fall asleep. I was very tired, taking in the extraneous sounds of the building. I'd been here before; they weren't that unfamiliar. The big digital clock in the wall flashed red digits at me. Midnight-"O"-two. Everytime I'd close my eyes, I was wide awake. Next to the big window that doesn't open, the dark expanse to the world below went by. Faintly, I begain to hear something. Yes! A marching band. Way in the distance. They must be way down the street, I thought. The music played continuously. Loud marching band music, but it was as if the band were half a mile away, coming toward me. I shifted in my bed. Now the music might be coming from a radio that's turned down. Very detailed band music with lots of trumpets blaring.

My nurse just came to talk to me. She went through a bunch of things, including my meds that are ordered. One of them was a nicotine patch! Oh my god, if I'd actually gotten that I can only imagine how awful I'd have felt. She just wrote, "Not appropriate" in the notes, but sheesh! She said they figured that I self-medicate with cigarettes. Hmm... Lots of people must, but not me. I am getting another dose of Zyprexa and some Ativan before my first group- stretching. Skilttles. I hope this slows me down. I just woke up, too. I really want some coffee, but I think they'd frown on that. Ha! Its possible that I will get prescribed another medication by one of the doctors here. Last year, I got Topomax.

I have to go my first group in fourty minutes. Geesh I don't have that much to say here. My nurse just left. She said I can have decaf coffee. My hand is shaking. I don't feel all that bouncy right now. My head hurts a bit. These people are determined to therapy and drug me into submission! I did like stretching a lot last time I was here. I just feel like going back to bed for some reason. Maybe I wore myself out bouncing so much all day yesterday. Where is my music?! I want to hear it! In Paradisum!

The rabbit has had Skittles and yet they aren't doing anything. Earlier, I wanted to be done here. Just run out. They have my stuff though. They always have my stuff. Ugh can't I just go home and sleep in my own bed? Back to In Paradisum? Please?!!?!?!?!

Back in the Rabbit Hole -(Day 1)

Here I sit. Typing to you from inside the rabbit hole! Yes, I got myself admitted again. I'm so tired. I want to unzip my body and climb out! My friend says that would just be bloody and messy. I need a sleeping pill, or Haldol or Thorazine or something! I don't know how many days I will be here. Last time I was here six. The Skittles have yet to be delivered. I'm waiting on food. I hope that will help me feel better.

This morning, I called my psych dr. Told her what I've typed here lately. She said if I didn't take myself to the psych ER, she would call an ambulance to take me! So here I sit. I just got frisked- both with clothes on and without! I just haven't been able to sit still and yet my body absolutely aches for sleep. I was lucky to get admitted to the same hospital as last time; they don't always have beds. I didn't want to go to a strange hospital that may or may not have computers.

Strangely, people keep asking me if I'm hearing voices, but I'm not. I don't know why not. I mean, that would be entertaining, right? If I'm going to go batshit, at least make it interesting!

This day feels like its been three days long. Its 11:08 p.m. and my body says its 4:00 a.m. All of that bouncing like the rabbit I am no doubt contributed to this.

No bathroom privileges. Again. Ugh. I have to ask every time I need to go. Then after a day or two they unlock it. My roomate is asleep. She doesn't appear to be very exciting, but hey- she's asleep. Back to groups. Back to more groups. But art therapy is fun! And my bank account will stay intact, unlike yesterday when I tried to buy a tablet.

I keep telling my story over and over. They don't seem to be able to understand how I could be suicidal one day and manic the next week. How could I talk about dying and going into paradise yet not feel sad and wanting to kill myself? Well, I don't know! It just is! Is the sun still sending my messages? They all think its seasonal affective disorder- SAD. Its NOT! I'm NOT SAD!

These computers make me happy.

I keep having a duality of my mind telling me the things it tells me- about knowing everything sent from the angels- and then the other side says, "No, that's not possible". Its teeters back and forth between the two. I must say that I'm not making these things up. I really do feel the way I type here and I really do believe what I type.

I'm exhausted. I'm beyond hungry. I need a reboot. All of me does. That's why I'm here.

Whirling Wipers

Walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. The cars drive one way- a wiper swipes- then the other whooshing by. They don't exist. I can walk between the most and air as it overburdens my lungs, thick. The air blows around my ankles and is soothing.

Whirling through the cars like the fog. Like the ghost that I am. I don't exist. Time changes. Every bit of what I am and was and could be are now one. I take another step. One. Two. The lights change. The fog lays low, cuddling around the hard bright surfaces of metal. I step again. Red.... Green. Step. Whoosh! Honk! I am free! Time and I are one. I step again.... Breathe in that thick air. Stop.

Escape

Arg! I can't stand this feeling. I feel like I haven't slept for days but I have. I want to crawl out of my body! Claw it up. Set it in the corner somehow. I need an escape!

Am I?

I feel like nobody cares about me. I called my psych. dr.'s office and they said they would page her as she's not in the office. Hours later, I call back and its the same deal: She's not in the office. I called the psych. ER and they suggested I call my psych dr. back or if it gets worse come to the psych. ER! What a pat answer. I want to cry. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Its tiring going this far for this long. Feeling normal yet feeling like something is very very wrong. Am I making all of this up? Am I? Have I done this just to amuse my stupid, sick brain? I wish I were back at that balcony.

Flying in Precipio

There I was again. At Meijer. On the balcony. I'd gone up there to use the bathroom. In my sweatpants and sweatshirt, I'd intended on working out this morning. Didn't happen. I'd been talking with my friend on the phone. I leaned my forearms far against the railing. Looking out over the balcony, I saw lots of stuff. Millions of individual things! How many there are, infinite, back, forth, left and right, and between them all the people going by below. They can't see me!

I saw myself climbing over the balcony again. Lifting my leg up. Leaning over! I could FLY! Across the building, floating through infinite space! The air was my playground and it was all mine. What a waste it is that we don't use the air around us! This time, however, I happened to tell this to my friend on the phone and he said, "No, you can't," quite firmly. Maybe I can't. Maybe... Everything out in front of me is shimmering. Shining brightly! Calling to me. "Come here..." it seems to say. Earlier, I had called my psych. dr. and left a message with some of what I'd written about yesterday- about the cat and the sun talking to me. As of this typing, she still hasn't gotten back to me. I guess I don't matter.

After going to Meijer, I went to Best Buy to buy a tablet. I nearly did, but I couldn't afford an external keyboard to go with it. I need it to type into my blog! Right now, I am using my friend's laptop again. I talked with the sale's guy for fifteen minutes, it must've been. I could've gotten a cheaper one, but I wanted one that went with a keyboard so I could touch-type because its faster to get ideas out. I had also looked at Meijer for one but nothing caught my fancy. I didn't have enough money for an ipad mini with keyboard which would've been nice.

I don't know how long I will be this way. In some ways, I feel normal. In others, not. Why don't I jump off that balcony? Is it too much trouble? I really don't know. It doesn't seem scary in the least. Just flying into peace. Into that peace of yesterday's post- in paradisium. There is something out there that I must learn. Something that is being taught to me through the sun. Though everything being more vivid that usual. In the lights in Meijer glinting. I need to find out what it is. I said yesterday that I know everything. Not yet. Not quite yet. Something awaits. Its close. Its so close.

Long Night

I am buzzing but I am so stressed that I want to die. Visions. Oh well. Another friend can't deal with me. Psych ER doesn't want me. This will be a long long night.

Soon it Will be Gone

I was just put with a friend. We went to a store. I saw a thermos. Instantly, I exclaimed "But me a thermos!!" He thought about it and declined. Whatever. Then we went back to the coffee shop and he didn't want to sit with me anymore. I'm sad. Mad. Everything is crystal clear. I should maybe go the psych ER but I'm not. I tell you what: mania isn't always a happy feeling. Energy flows through me and I feel I must scream and jump and say anything that comes to mind. My filter is going. Soon it will be gone.

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Hallucinating In Paradisium

When I got up this morning, I walked out of my room and saw my cat. He turned around, but in an instant, disappeared!

I have had other things like this happen, too. I'm not sure if they are normal or not. My friend says not. The girl I've described disappearing lasted longer: she as definitely there for me to see and then she was gone. Its tempting for people to say they are ghosts. Why would my cat be a ghost when he is alive? Maybe he's teleporting. hehe. Funnily enough, he didn't meow. That would've been better- a little more information. Sometimes, I catch things out of the corner of my eye that aren't there, but again, I think that is normal.

I still feel ramped up but that could be the coffee.

Last night, the cylindrical sex seconds continued. I feel at ease with it. It is just there. It is comfortable. It is like falling into a warmth, as the merry-go-round turns slowly, once, twice, thrice... Its no longer sad. It has moved into an intense feeling of peace. This piece is from a requiem- a mass for the dead. "In Paradisum" translated means "In Paradise". Each note, each nuance of a phrase, has me captured, wrapped in bliss as it continues on, again and again. My brain tingles. My emotions roll up and down gently. They are one. I want to fly away into the music, singing. The sound goes straight from my heart to my brain, bathing it in intensity that rolls over itself, again again. It is the same with the sex. Rolling over and over, drowning my brain, saturating it in bliss, so that I can't sing along; only strange singing comes out, but the angels still sing for me into my brain and in my head I sing along, as my my body tingles, as my brain buzzes and everything is gone. Only I am left. I am one with the sound and my brain and the bliss. I am singing. I am one with all. I know all. I know the answers to everything! Its all okay now. In paradise, may angels lead you into paradise. A fearless death. A completely fearless death. All is you and you are all. You are one with all. May you have eternal rest. I rise into the voices. They are one. And I am one. I am one with them and the voices. Just me and them rising up. They sing and rise and fall together, swirling moving into the peace of death, as I follow them. Its just me and the cirles, rising up in swirls, as the voices are one carrying me up and down. Where are they going? Into the peace. Into requiem. An intense buzzing in my brain happens as I am carried up and down. My whole body is carried along. Into paradise and into peace. Carried by angels. Soaring, telling me everything. I now know all. I am all. I fly, carrying all. My cat and I are one. He is me. Going into paradise. Into peace.

* In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

May angels lead you into paradise; upon your arrival, may the martyrs receive you and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem. May the ranks of angels receive you, and with Lazarus, once a poor man, may you have eternal rest.

Maybe Manic?

I can't stop thinking. I can't stop doing. Right now I am sitting, but my fingers are flying. I can watch tv, but not for very long. I can help my friend cook, but for only a moment. Another friend, who reads this blog, says that the mere fact that I am writing so many entries is reason enough to believe that I may be nearing mania again. Earlier, I seriously contemplated buying a laptop computer just so I could write in this blog! I didn't, though, but I nearly did. I guess that means I'm not too far gone. The thoughts are there, though. My thoughts are this and of that. One thing, then the next. Never for very long. And then I am having very little patience for things. At the same time, I feel "normal". I can kick this. I can't possibly be getting manic. No not me! I'm not that far gone. I'm still a real person. Remember when I said I wanted to be "the real me" when I was manic last year at this time? The idea isn't beyond me! I take so many meds, why not quit a few? The water I drink is extra cold. I feel it roll over my tongue and go down my throat into my stomach, cooling off my body along the way. The smoothness of these keys - I type and slide the tips of my fingers across them. Mmmmm.... Yummy! The water in the shower falls over each part of me, warm and soothing, tingling my fingers, arms and head. The sun is going down, but not a lot yet. Its seeping into my brain, telling it new messages. I wish I could hear them better, but they are subliminal messages. My brain just knows how to feel from them. At the same time, I feel shaky, like I've had too much coffee and I can't sit still. What is there to do!? I must do something! And when I start something, I might finish it- I might not. My life is full of tiny little disjointed bits. Moment to moment, unrelated. Physical feeling to physical feeling. Overwhelmed by how my brain feels by what I see, or what I hear. Am I truly manic if I can write this at all instead of the short little bits I wrote last year when I was manic? Maybe not. But its worth writing down even so. I still want my own laptop. I might buy one. I might not. I might stop my meds. I might not.I might stop drinking coffee. I might drink more. Right now I don't know. I might call my doctor, but I might not. How do I know I'm truly manic? I don't. Besides: I'm more creative now and I've been quite prolific in my blog. I like it that way!

Wistfully Wandering into the Wilderness

A couple of years ago, I went to Starbucks. I'm not sure what time I got there, but at four a.m. I was drinking coffee, looking around at the people who filled the store, and at the darkness of the windows. Four turned to six which turned to seven. The sun came up. By nine, I had gotten in my car. Time meant nothing. It was Saturday, but to me it was still the longest Friday ever. I felt good. I felt awake. Refreshed. I drove downtown and parked. I walked quickly past houses. I was alive! The thought crossed my mind: "I could get so much more done if I never slept!"

I walked into the record store and looked around a bit. I talked to someone behind the counter, who turned out to be the owner. From this Russel Oberlin recording to that; from this rare singer to the other, we talked. Eventually, he said, "Do you have a degree in this?" I said, "No!" flattered.

I left the store, and after more quick walking, found myself in the downtown Starbucks. I saw a friend from judo and began talking to him. A million miles an hour I talked, seeming to keep up a normal conversation, but in my head, I was detached from the world. Just as I had been while walking down the street. The world was not mine. I was almost beside it as it played out in the distance.

I found my car again and drove to the grocery store. I climbed the balcony which spanned the whole of the front of the store. I leaned over it a bit. Looking down at all the people who were walking by or paying for their groceries, I thought about jumping over the railing. Who would I land on? What would happen? I saw myself lifting my legs over the railing, and falling down, down... I looked out and over toward the back of the store. I had just been walking through the isles and could see that any minute, giraffes were going to be walking by. I just KNEW they were! Anything could happen. The world was simply not real anymore. I looked down over the railing at the people in front of me again. Maybe if I landed wrong, I'd land on top of someone and that wouldn't be fair to them. I decided against jumping.

Eventually, I made my way home that day, though it was a long one. Interestingly, it was last November that I was hospitalized for something similar- wanting to jump off a balcony. I obviously, never reported this episode, or if I did, it had been so much time since that it didn't matter anymore.

P.s. re: wistfully Main Entry: wist·ful Pronunciation: \ˈwist-fəl\ Function: adjective Etymology: blend of wishful and obsolete English wistly intently Date: 1714

Anti-Depressants & Bipolar Don't Mix

Around 2004, I was having pretty bad intrusive thoughts: visions of people's spines being ripped out of their bodies; not just people, but children in my son's school! Spines went SPLAT! against the walls, blood and all. After I'd dropped my other two children off, I called my psychiatrist. She got back to me right away. She told me not to move - don't go anywhere or drive! She prescribed Celexa, an anti-depressant.

Life went on, and a few days later, I found myself at Wendy's. No, I really found myself there, standing there, not knowing how I'd gotten there. I looked at the menu board, read the words in it, and had no idea what they meant. "What do they DO here?!" I asked myself. My brain was empty. My thoughts were just non-existent. What's more, I had no recollection of driving to the store! The files were simply missing. What's more, I had no emotions. None. I didn't care about one thing or another or about one person or another. I really did not have any emotions. It was odd, but at the same time it was strangely freeing. I walked down a hallway where it was relatively quiet and called my psychiatrist. She immediately said, "You weren't supposed to DRIVE!!" Its still a mystery to me how I got home.

In 2011, I was again prescribed Celexa, this time by a different psychiatrist. I knew what it had done before, but took it anyway. One day, I was at a sit-down restaurant with a friend of mine. Waiting for the food to arrive, I began to tap my knife quickly against the table. Over and over and over and over and over. I just would not stop. I could not stop! Internally, I had to keep banging that piece of metal on another hard surface. It was so bad that my friend commented. I finally got up and left the restaurant to call a friend of mine who is a behavioral pharmacologist. He laughed at how quickly and spritely I was talking to him and he liked my funny sense of humor, but he did agree that that with the utensils gymnastics, I was likely hypomanic from the Celexa.

Some bipolar people just cannot take anti-depressants. A better choice for depression is an anti-psychotic.

I Want to Die but my Hair Looks Good

Five fourty-five p.m. My left hand is shaking as I eat a bagel and type this with my right. (A side effect from the Topomax I was put on in the psych. hospital last November.) I'm very hungry all of the sudden. I went and dropped off my son at a friend's house. My thoughts are not good. I want to drive into traffic. At a light, I begin to inch in, closer, closer... I stop. At home, I had gotten into my pills. So many pills! Why do I take all these pills anyway? If I'm going to take them all, why not take them all?! My hand picks up the Ativan, and some Trazodone. "Hmm...." I think. "I have these for later." Seeing, my daughter, whose birthday is in a week, I think, "This will be the last birthday I will celebrate with her, and maybe I'll miss it." Am I getting manic? I felt like I was okay when I posted earlier, but maybe not. Maybe people are stressing me out. I see myself stabbing myself to death. Yes, intrusive thoughts. The light, the light! The sunlight is that Fall lighting that seeps into my brain and makes it bad. In fact, it was this week last year that my manic episode started. I want to die but my hair looks good. So I can't, right? Hahahaha... Well, that bagel went down nicely. So did the berry smoothie. Why should it matter? Why? Its just intrusive thoughts again. Cutting myself. Climbing over balconies. Stabbing myself. Shooting myself. Will the voices come? If they would, I would be entertained. Driving, I was thinking the usual driving rules and then thoughts about how many pills to take. What time? Its Friday night and a bad night to go to psych. ER. So don't. Don't even call. Just take the pills. Take them. Go on. You're such a chicken. That light outside. It calls to me. Calling my name. And ironic because it will eventually go dark.

Two Typs of Entries: Hallucidating

I'd been emailing with a long-time friend about my blog and I came up with a realization. There are two types of posts here: Those that are written in-the-moment, and those that are written retrospectively- explaining how things were. The second type loses a lot because its not written with the nuances that the first type is likely to have, being written when the event was going on. I suppose you could call the "explaining" type the "hallucidations"- the clear thinking, lucid posts, when I'm supposedly stable. Then again, its the OTHER type which really show you what is going on with bipolar, like my posts from November last year. I can tell you about it all day long, but unless you read the choppy posts from when I was manic, you won't get the flavor of being manic. Unless you read about my hallucinations from last December that I wrote about while they were happening, you won't really understand just how those voices sounded, or what they may have said or the fact that they scared me. Last year I had quite a few that sounded like a scratchy radio that wasn't quite in tune or a phone that the receiver was on the table as the other person kept talking. But the descriptions in real-time, give an intensity to my mindset. If written retrospectively, I may have forgotten the exactly feeling of being scared! Nevertheless, my post called "Five Hallucinations" had to be written retrospectively, and I think they are pretty good descriptions of what went on. What's more, I can tell you that mania includes a need for sex, but you don't get a good sense of that unless you read about my trials of letting go of my sexual partner over time.

Hyper-Aware: Hypo Mania & Mania

This morning, I had some coffee and then went to the gym. About half an hour into my workout, I felt dizzy so I quit and got my shower. I then had a protein bar. I felt better. I think I didn't eat enough before working out. Now, I'm at Starbucks and had a chocolate banana smoothie with protein powder and two shots of espresso. I got cold, so I went out to the car for a sweatshirt. As I walked, I felt the familiar feeling of gliding across the ground: almost as if I wasn't touching the ground at all. I was near flying! Moving through space quickly, gliding, sliding. It felt good! I am aware of every part of my body- hyper-aware of my arms, my legs, my feet, how my clothes are laying against my body... Am I hypo manic? Is it from the coffee? I don't know that it can hit me that quickly. I'm used to drinking coffee, too. I guess I will see if it wears off in an hour or so. Yesterday, I got my hair cut along with my youngest son's. I then bought some shampoo and conditioner and leave-in conditioner, took my son out to lunch, paid my phone bill, and various other things. Is this hypo manic spending? (I rarely get my hair cut, but hey, it does look nice!)

So its always at this point that I ask myself, "Can't I just pretend everything is normal?" Yes, I can. I can still sit here, looking normal, talking to people, typing into this laptop. I suppose its after a while that I cross into mania that I can no longer pass for "normal". Last year when I was manic, I had no more control. I had no filter left, and just said what was on my mind, getting many friends angry with me. I had to run around to get rid of the excess energy I had. I had the gliding feeling, yes. And, no, I haven't been using that daylight lamp that my friend gave me because its broken. It never worked in the first place. So much for that. Plan B.

Its a buzzing feeling- inside my head mostly. Physically, inside my head. The thing about hypo mania is that it feels good. Mania doesn't. Mania is more of an anxiety on top of extreme restlessness on top of not being able to think straight anymore. Its a pressured feeling: I HAVE to run, I HAVE to have sex, I HAVE to keep talking non-stop, even if it doesn't make any sense. Mania is out-of-control! Mania is the rules of the world not only don't apply to you anymore, but they are just GONE! With both, your senses become hyper-aware, but more so with mania. Its like a movie where they try to show what an acid trip is like, but here, its every sense that is involved, not just sight. Last time I was manic, I remember running my fingers along the mortar between bricks inside the doctor's office building, and finding it simply exquisite. Something as simple as running a fork along your lip can be almost sexual. Your senses are all turned up to full volume. At the same time, sitting in a restaurant full of people can be torture, as you can no longer filter out the background noise: every single conversation comes through loud and clear, baring down, drilling into your head, pushing against your body, and not a one of them cares that you want to jump out of your skin because of them and will shut up!

Speaking of the gym, I think working out has been helping my mood. I feel good after- clean and happy. I'm hoping that I'll lose some of this Zyprexa/thyroid weight, too.