Monday, April 9, 2012
Loss
Any loss is difficult, but today I lost my therapist. At the end of my appointment, she got quiet and inside a moment before she spoke, I knew: She is leaving. Retiring. I started crying. This was totally unexpected to cry at this news. I guess I never really thought at all about how it is to have someone who knows everything about your life just leave. Its weird because it isn't a friendship, it isn't a relative- its better. She remembers everything about me- even things I don't. I tried not to cry, but then she said, "Are you going to cry?" and of course that did it. I managed to leave my appointment and stop crying, but for at least the next two hours, I cried off and on. Its still a surprise. I have several appointments left, but now I am feeling that all that I've worked on with her- and NOT gotten accomplished in my life!- needs to get done in the next 3 months before she leaves. I know I'll get a new therapist. I know that when I lost my last psychiatrist, my new one came and I think she's wonderful. I tried to explain this to my therapist today but all that came out was a jumble of words and pointing next door to her office.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Self Therapy
My last post was very negative. I had time to myself today and then went out and took photos with my new camera (present!) with my best friend. I feel rejuvenated! I'm relishing my me time.
Do Not Confuse !
I feel followed and criticized and attacked a lot of the time. I know its not just me. I get followed around and criticized about every move I make. I can't stand it any longer. When I have big problems, I only have a couple friends who will really listen to me, rather then get flustered. And when I tell my friends about my biggest life problems they don't really have any practical solutions. It makes me feel like I'm on another planet and have no air and am asking all the people on Earth about and they say "mmm-MMM-mmm"? and shrug their shoulders. Nobody sends me cards for me. Its always to the house. Nothing is sent to me and my kids as a FAMILY unit. Its always my mother who took over my job as their mother the moment she could. There are constant fights over this. Happily, the kids stick by me as their mom. They also hide things from me- like toilet paper and socks. They also move my things or throw them away. How can live with this constant stress?! Its like that with bipolar in general. People tend to look at you sideways and step away slowly. Then the feeling they give you is pity. Those that might want to be helpful just turn their confusion to pure pity. Do not confuse pity with concern!! This also applies to psychiatric personnel. I'm told I'm a good listener. How ironic.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Rage of Mania
This is a shorter entry, but as I think of things I can update this. This is another difficult topic.
Part of mania feels like frustration or rage. Remember the horror-movie hallucinations I mentioned? This is kind of like that, but its visions of hurting someone. Not just punching or shoving, but taking that person by the head and banging their head against the pavement over and over, blood and bone crushed, included. Or grab their face and rip the skin off and slam them against the wall. Sometimes, these rages have been against people I don't know- as in in a waiting room. There is an apathy to them. None of it makes "sense" to my normal self. But nonetheless, sometimes I find myself throwing the person on the ground and then banging their head against the pavement over and over and over again. Other times, its shooting, or spearing someone. These feelings sometimes go along with the horror-movie hallucinations, but in that case, they happen all of themselves, AFTER the intense feelings. In fact, they can both happen of themselves. The frustration does not need to happen with these scenes.
Supposedly, these things are "normal"- UNLESS you act on them.
Are they scary? Yes. Certainly unnerving. Its another one of the parts of bipolar that people don't often talk about.
Part of mania feels like frustration or rage. Remember the horror-movie hallucinations I mentioned? This is kind of like that, but its visions of hurting someone. Not just punching or shoving, but taking that person by the head and banging their head against the pavement over and over, blood and bone crushed, included. Or grab their face and rip the skin off and slam them against the wall. Sometimes, these rages have been against people I don't know- as in in a waiting room. There is an apathy to them. None of it makes "sense" to my normal self. But nonetheless, sometimes I find myself throwing the person on the ground and then banging their head against the pavement over and over and over again. Other times, its shooting, or spearing someone. These feelings sometimes go along with the horror-movie hallucinations, but in that case, they happen all of themselves, AFTER the intense feelings. In fact, they can both happen of themselves. The frustration does not need to happen with these scenes.
Supposedly, these things are "normal"- UNLESS you act on them.
Are they scary? Yes. Certainly unnerving. Its another one of the parts of bipolar that people don't often talk about.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Drugs & Alcohol
After my humorous memes, I thought I'd get back to another serious topic: Drugs and alcohol.
One of the symptoms of bipolar is the use of alcohol and other drugs. In fact, there is a term, "Dual Diagnosis", which you'd think means "Two different diagnoses", but what it really means is "Bipolar and alcoholic". I could just leave it at that and say, "Yes we use them. Yes, we're told not to. The end." But, of course, I'll go a bit deeper.
When I get hypomanic, I want to do things I shouldn't. Its as if I don't care and all the little parts of my brain saying "You shouldn't", are silenced by the part that says, "I don't care. I'll do what I want." Its almost defiance, but its more like partying and ignoring the problems that could happen. More of an "I'm going to do this anyway." And really, the fear of the bad side effects are brushed aside. Why shouldn't we drink? Partly, it has an effect on our mood, but also it makes it harder for the liver to do its job. Nearly every psych. med. says "Do Not Drink Alcohol". Why do we drink? Sometimes Ativan doesn't do its job to calm and stop the racing thoughts of hypomania, or the anxious, internal restlessness of a mixed episode. Again, its a defiance of what he know we SHOULD do.
A bit ago, I was invited out to a friend's birthday party at a bar. I had four drinks, basically. That's a lot for me. And I didn't feel anything more than silly. My poor liver probably hates me but hey- she hasn't called lately and if she has I've ignored her. After the party, I went outside and one of the people there gave me a cigarette. I don't smoke. But I smoked this one. Also, within the same month, I had smoked marijuana two or three times with different people. It doesn't always make you sedated. In fact, one of the times, I got very agitated and very talky and it may have been the start of my manic week. Again, these things just seem like a part of time that doesn't count, or that I'm in alternate universe. I just plain don't care, and in fact, enjoy hurting myself.
Sometimes, we do drugs to get us to feel nothing. The same as others, I guess. Alcohol can make us feel happy, or sedated and that's nice when you have too much on your mind. Marijuana can do the same if you don't take the kind I did above. Sometimes, I've taken Vicodin just for the high feeling. And sometimes, even when I've NEEDED it, I've had pain meds -like morphine- at the hospital for other issues, and yet enjoyed the checked-out feeling. (How much of that is from lack of pain and what is just mental I don't know. And they'd never give me any if they knew I even remotely enjoyed it.) That isn't to say, it always induces that feeling. Lots of times you just don't feel pain anymore. Period. That's a good thing!
So should I take any drugs besides my scripts? No. Have I? Yep. The feeling of urgency that comes with a mixed episode or a manic episode where you just MUST be calmed is so strong, that its no wonder we drink or take marijuana to try to calm down. What should you do? Call your psych dr. or the psych ER probably, but these things have a way of happening on the weekend or at night. I've never called the psych ER and said, "I think I'm hypomanic since I've had lots to drink and smoke tonight." I would guess that they'd say, "Well stop that, then!" The problem is that we don't have the "Oh. Okay." part of our brains working. Its as if anything goes and you've gotten the "immune" bubble around you in a video game.
One of the symptoms of bipolar is the use of alcohol and other drugs. In fact, there is a term, "Dual Diagnosis", which you'd think means "Two different diagnoses", but what it really means is "Bipolar and alcoholic". I could just leave it at that and say, "Yes we use them. Yes, we're told not to. The end." But, of course, I'll go a bit deeper.
When I get hypomanic, I want to do things I shouldn't. Its as if I don't care and all the little parts of my brain saying "You shouldn't", are silenced by the part that says, "I don't care. I'll do what I want." Its almost defiance, but its more like partying and ignoring the problems that could happen. More of an "I'm going to do this anyway." And really, the fear of the bad side effects are brushed aside. Why shouldn't we drink? Partly, it has an effect on our mood, but also it makes it harder for the liver to do its job. Nearly every psych. med. says "Do Not Drink Alcohol". Why do we drink? Sometimes Ativan doesn't do its job to calm and stop the racing thoughts of hypomania, or the anxious, internal restlessness of a mixed episode. Again, its a defiance of what he know we SHOULD do.
A bit ago, I was invited out to a friend's birthday party at a bar. I had four drinks, basically. That's a lot for me. And I didn't feel anything more than silly. My poor liver probably hates me but hey- she hasn't called lately and if she has I've ignored her. After the party, I went outside and one of the people there gave me a cigarette. I don't smoke. But I smoked this one. Also, within the same month, I had smoked marijuana two or three times with different people. It doesn't always make you sedated. In fact, one of the times, I got very agitated and very talky and it may have been the start of my manic week. Again, these things just seem like a part of time that doesn't count, or that I'm in alternate universe. I just plain don't care, and in fact, enjoy hurting myself.
Sometimes, we do drugs to get us to feel nothing. The same as others, I guess. Alcohol can make us feel happy, or sedated and that's nice when you have too much on your mind. Marijuana can do the same if you don't take the kind I did above. Sometimes, I've taken Vicodin just for the high feeling. And sometimes, even when I've NEEDED it, I've had pain meds -like morphine- at the hospital for other issues, and yet enjoyed the checked-out feeling. (How much of that is from lack of pain and what is just mental I don't know. And they'd never give me any if they knew I even remotely enjoyed it.) That isn't to say, it always induces that feeling. Lots of times you just don't feel pain anymore. Period. That's a good thing!
So should I take any drugs besides my scripts? No. Have I? Yep. The feeling of urgency that comes with a mixed episode or a manic episode where you just MUST be calmed is so strong, that its no wonder we drink or take marijuana to try to calm down. What should you do? Call your psych dr. or the psych ER probably, but these things have a way of happening on the weekend or at night. I've never called the psych ER and said, "I think I'm hypomanic since I've had lots to drink and smoke tonight." I would guess that they'd say, "Well stop that, then!" The problem is that we don't have the "Oh. Okay." part of our brains working. Its as if anything goes and you've gotten the "immune" bubble around you in a video game.
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