The Road to Mania Part 1

The following are posts from when I was recently manic.(Starting Sept. 11, 2012.) This should give you a better idea of how it feels. Every new paragraph is a new post. Date changes are denoted in italics. In the last post, there is a link that nicely describes the various states of bipolar. About a week an a half after this blog ends, I was upped on my medications. They did stop working and then I quite taking them. One more post on that to follow.

09-11-2012

Heading toward out of control

My brain wants to leave. I still "pass" for well. I just am easily triggered by emotions, sights and sounds. I want to leave. My T says I shouldn't but I can't help it. I am losing my friends and yet making more ones. I'll at ease, and ramped up yet all things are nuanced. Oh help. Let me melt into the wonderful song that is life.

I want to run. Cry. Dash through the spaces between my thoughts, like a grove of intangible trees. Nothing is real except the me I see in me that wants to be free.

I have no idea.

I want to fly untouched over everything that is bad or good inside or out. My grove is barely there, ensconced only by the love of my children. The running goes faster and flying is all I have left. Untouched. Just me. I don't recognize myself. I am a new me. I am alone. The world is now gone. I am so much me that I am now gone too. All gone. And the nothingness is all nothingness is all nothingness.

Dark, I don't feel right. I just don't. Dunno what to do. I don't think my blood thinners affect my lithium or Zyprexa.

Was paranoid this morning too.

I was feeling that people were out to get me. That they're after me or to do bad things to me.

I called the pharmacy. No interactions between warfarin and lithium or Zyprexa. Hmmm.

Last week I was feeling like everybody was too slow. I told my pdoc and she didn't think much of it.

I took a walk around the block a million times. Feel a little better

Yes I walked fast. :-)

Should I call my dr? Or is this just a bit of poetry?

The guy I was talking to a for a week on eharmony talked to me on Skype today. Then he decided it was too far to drive. Oh well.

Lol bipolar eharmony. I met a guy who is bipolar in Facebook. We went out a couple times. I dunno if I need the responsibility of a bipolar guy.

Paranoia no psychosis. The poety is just where my mind is- not the fact that I wrote it. So I am trying to mark where it may be going. I feel better after posting here.

I'm wondering if I should call the pdoc. I guess I'll see how tomorrow goes. I still feel paranoid that my mother is in a mode to destroy us. She is evil and I want to kill her so she can't be evil anymore. But oh no if I say that that will go in my file so best to keep it to myself.

Watching tv. Crossing fingers that this all just goes away.

9-12-12

So far so good. Just getting ready for the day.

At Starbucks. Waiting for a friend. Haven't called pdoc. Was gonna get my nails done but decided not to.

Don't feel better. Just reading things online> Just barely keeping myself from running around and I still NEED to talk and go and even if someone talks back I can't stand to wait for them to finish. When I walk its like I'm floating along. My feet don't even touch the floor. This computer is tethering me to the chair but I'm bouncing to music. Need need need need to SING! Don't wanna call pdoc. Don't wanna take more zyprexa. Don't wanna don't wanna. I'm not seeing things or hearing things and I've taken all my meds. I am WOUND UP WILD! I want hugs from everybody and to dance dance dance. If I keep taking my meds its all okay. Its all okay. It only my fault if I quit taking them. But I won't. I won't. They aren't working but I won't quit. I won't.

Its okay. I'm normal now.

THis is just part of my personality. You can't do surgery and remove part of me!

Ding dong merrily on high! YIppee skippy. Now reply to my post all ye minions!

hahahaha.....

Biscuits biscuits pick up truck. Say anything, you're in luck. Dumb dumb Dobby down. There's no need to ever frown. Yippity skipity let's go blue. Gets having a great day to you. Round and round the dong-dings go. Up on high- to and fro. I'm a dash, I'm a frown, won't you turn me upside down?

Mania? True mania?

Starbucks was good. I talked with my friend and used his laptop.

So I don't wanna call pdoc. I don't wanna do what I should. I keep fighting myself . Even my daughter commented. On something I said.

Ok I'm not manic. Just kidding. Yeah that's it. See? I'm standing still. Now dammit that I don't have anybody to have sex with ! Wonder what tomorrow brings.

What's not affectionate?

I don't follOw your point. Sex can be affectionate. I just have nobody to have it with.

I looked up hypomania and mania and it said the difference is psychosis of which I've had paranoia that my mom was plotting against me. She really is. They both do. They hate me and want me to attempt to kill them so I have to go to prison.

Blue I agree with you. I miss sex. Not only do I want it but I miss what I had.

Can only call per/pes at this point. They only care if I'm safe. Not the little details like creative writing and the ability to Bounce like tigger. Yeah I think they're after me but last time I told pes that they were and that my way to defend myself was to harpoon one of them, well they didn't take kindly and wrote it in my chart. Then my T told me I shouldn't have said anything!

It's not the mania. They just start listing everything they hate about me and my kids and then they are mean. In defense I can only want to rid myself of them and they know this so they are meaner and meaner on purpose and nobody on this planet can help me.

See? So am I paranoid or just defensive? Or is any of it true at all? I could be delusional.

Took another walk. Was ok. I might be able to sleep. I hope so because I have a drs appointment tomorrow about the ER visit and a blood draw.

Was snippy at someone. Yelled at them for trying to demand I do things- in a passive aggressive way. I will tear your head off.

Swimming far away, swimming through emotions - each distinct yet one piece... The jello that is my mind... All smooth. It is the only consistency in this world. Just miles of jello and me, moving and floating through life. I loves me and I am near suffocation . l. I can breathe on my own now, in this new womb, this love, I swim in its cool embrace ... All mania and sorrow combined and wrapping me in bliss.

Yes. Always need love. Some people are horrible at love. They don't understand bipolar so they run away when all I need when I'm feeling horrible in an episode is love. Jello womb love.

Yes. I see my regular dr tomorrow. Should I bring this up to pdoc or wait?

Continue to part 2... Continued in next post....