In some way you have always been my best friend ~
The above is an email I wrote to him yesterday, after a few days of thought. I will miss the awesome sex. That's partly what makes me a bit wistful but there are others out there. The negatives now seem to outweigh the positives. I need to find and honest, kind man, not a cheating, selfish, self-centered man.
Losing friends is about the same person I've been posting about here. He doesn't talk to me all weekend most weekends because he's off with his so-called girlfriend and then the minute its Monday, he's texting me asking how I am. When I didn't respond today, he wrote back asking if I might be in the hospital. Truth is, I'm just thinking the relationship is over. What's left is scraps. So I didn't reply again. Then, he phoned me. I didn't answer. What is there to say except, "I'm done"? He probably won't understand anyway. He doesn't see that I'm given the tiniest part of his life and how I am just tired. The hurt has changed into plain tired. There isn't anything left. After 7 1/2 years, there isn't anything left to hold onto.
I'm all dressed up and no place to go. I want to grab the guy here.
Run around. But the zyprexa has chained my body -where my mind goes is another story!
And of course, I'm hungry! I haven't eaten since 11. lol now its nearly 4 so...
To detach
a lit match
tightly wound
a fresh wound
Missing skin
Rub it in
eat poison
feel it work
slowly fade
The cylindrical sex seconds continue on ad infinitum, though sometimes with more or less emotion which is odd. That is the only thing that has changed with them. Sometimes I get more or less attached emotionally. Sometimes I am contented, and sometimes ramped up emotionally, and sometimes just happy as a clam.
Once I thought I knew what the thread the binds my life together was... turned out to be a manic delusion but it felt good at the time. lol
I guess I am still day-to-day now. I have flashes of feeling good and okay, but the negative depressed side of this is still there. And the irritability is too. I see my pdoc and I'm holding onto that- tomorrow afternoon.
The other day, I was thinking about how my life has and is going nowhere except in circles and I got very sad about it. Its been the same circle. That is, except my kids and my photography. I need to do more photography. Haven't gone out in a while. And more photography of my kids.
Times like these I start seeing things in slow motion. Fragments of life. Small pieces next to each other. Moment by moment and yes second by second I can't only make it. Sometimes not even knowing what I am experiencing as each feeling is a jumble or flat and unrecognizable as such.
One thing she did say is that she agrees with the PsychER staff that I've been in a mixed episode: Manic and depressed at the same time. She said I've been depressed and irritable at the same time, having dark thoughts, yet scaring away friends with my insistance and dark writing here in my blog. We talked about how to get rid of the intrusive thoughts about taking pills and that I have two minds: the one that says to take the pills and the one that says, "but then you'll end up in the ER with charcoal down your throat". Its the second one that has been a savior.
I am not, however, completely, out of the woods, as I did have some brandy to drink last night and all that did was mess up my blood thinner levels and make me feel hot. Its just that, as I told her, I feel this internal restless feeling- this aweful knawing feeling inside that my brain calls out to anything like Ativan or Benedryl or alcohol to calm me. I end up on my bed as if it were a lift raft, keeping me away from the pills and alcohol, watching tv, desperately trying to keep my attention on "All Creatures Great and Small".
I see my therapist in a week and a few days, again, and my psych. dr. on Monday. (Today is Friday.) I think I can make it over the weekend again WITHOUT submitting to the calls of these drugs. Monday. Monday. I can make it until Monday! I did it last week, I can do it again. I got my pill box refilled today, so I have meds to last me. Ken took the rest of my scripts back home with him. We also talked about drinking hot tea to fool my brain into thinking I've had something to eat, when I get hungry late at night from the higher dose of Zyprexa. I sure hope that helps. The feeling of your brain saying, "Eat... eat... eat..." is so hard to ignore!
Can I stay safe tonight? Well I just bought two big bottles of Tylenol- but for general aches and pains for future use. I think I'm ok. The thoughts seem to be much quieted if not gone. After some more sleep, I think things can only get better. My friends are around doing what they do best- being around just to talk with me about life. I still have the DVDs I took out of the library to watch. I have my kids to love; some days, really, what else do I need?
So the drs talked to me and they want to admit me. Citing that they don't think I can keep myself safe for sure. Three to seven days. Not sure if they have a spot here at this hospital or not. We'll see.
I've been waiting hours. They keep interviewing me to see if I'm really sick enough to stay. Its like interviewing for a job. They even had someone talk to me about finances so I said, "just make sure they'll pay before you admit me!" So they're back to pushing buttons around to see what happens. Keep having to retell them if I could be safe or not at home. I think they want me to say "yes! No problem! I'll go home now!" rather than, "My psychiatrist wanted me to go inpatient yesterday". Its now 10:30 p.m.
I'm starting to get grumpy. Must be because I'm tired. They asked me about last time I was inpatient. They seemed to think that I tried to jump off a bridge! How does wanting to climb off a balcony translate to that I don't know, but eh, same effect I guess. Whatever happens tonight, its going to be a late night. I should've brought my night time meds. They keep asking of there is something that set this off on Friday and I just can't think of anything. The normal things that get to me, sure, but nothing major or out of the ordinary and really nothing big at all. I really think its that my brain has just gone bad. The wiring is messed up. Plain and simple.
Speaking of wiring, at least they have given me my nighttime meds. That's a plus!
O Death! rocke me asleep;
Bringe me to quiet reste;
let pass my weary, guiltles ghost
out of my carefull brest.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
My paynes, who can expres?
Alas! they are so stronge
my dolor will not suffer strength
my lyfe for to prolonge.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
for I must dye;
there is no remedie.
Alone, in prison stronge,
I wayte my destenye.
Wo worth this cruel hap, that I
should taste this miserie!
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
ring out my dolefull knell;
let thy sounde my death tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
Farewell! my pleasures past;
welcum! my present payne.
I fele my tormentes so increse
that lyfe cannot remayne.
Toll on, the passinge-bell;
rong is my dolefull knell;
for the sound my dethe doth tell.
Death dothe drawe ny;
there is no remedie.
Sound my end dolefully
for now I dye.
Also scheduled for Sunday night is a sleep study for my eldest, 15, at the hospital. I'm worried about going from one to the other, getting there on time, and finding my way to and from both places, not to mention remembering where I parked! The study didn't go as well as it could: he didn't sleep much and neither did I. He has to repeat it. I'm running further behind than I'd hoped, but we make it out of the hospital and I'm on my way to find the courthouse. By the time I've parked in the nearby lot, I'm not only upset and shaking, but I've gone down the wrong way on a one-way street! (Cars were honking at me and all! Thank god no police were around!) I put to memory the second place that I've parked for the day and set off to find a small breakfast place. I only have time for coffee. They begrudgingly take my credit card for the $2 charge. I leave to find the courthouse again.
Inside, there is a metal detector and scanner similar to at the airport. I have my cellphone with me which, since it has a camera, is against the rules. I put it inside a small locker with the quarters I've brought just in case. I march upstairs with other prospective jurors toward our holding cell. We check in. We sit. We get fed danishes in plastic bags and bad coffee. We get the lo-down on how it might happen in the court room. We are taken to the court room.
Once in the court room itself, the judge, three lawyers, defendant and secretary and a few others are seated. Twelve names are called at random to sit in the jury seats. The rest of us sit in the back and watch and wait. From then on, its a matter of asking each in the box a series of questions. If you'd rather not have everyone hear your answer, you can go up to the judge and answer in private. Several times, this happens, and the juror is dismissed of his duties and may go home. They are asked if they have any reason they think they should go home, and some give reasons like they have to work, or they are going on vacation. Some of the reasons are denied. This process continues over and over and over. Lots of times, the attorneys ask the prospective jurors questions about their specific statements and situations. Its as if they are being examined in a trial! So I'm watching, glad I hadn't had much coffee this morning, sitting on that hard bench indefinitely, when my name is called! I walk up to the jury box of red seats and sit down. I start shaking like a leaf. His Honor asks me if I know anyone named in the list of names read previously. I answered that yes, I did, and that that person was an attorney on the case where my great-grandmother was murdered. A lawyer asks me to elaborate on the case surrounding my great-grandmother's murder. I'm still shaking. So I say that she was raped and murdered by a serial rapist and the case was brought back out due to DNA evidence. The judge then asks if I could be impartial if this lawyer were to be involved in our case and I said no, I could not, honestly. He then asks if I have any medical conditions and if I'm on medications for them. "Yes, I'm bipolar," I answer. "Did you take your medication today?" he inquires. "Yes," I reply. The lawyers and the judge have one of their little meetings for a minute or two and then tell me that my duty is over and I may leave.
I went back down the hall to the juror room, get my pay card for $17 and left. I found my car okay and went out to eat for about as much money. Now I'm back home in my pajamas. Its been snowing all day and its just feels good to be home and comfortable! I don't know what the reason is for not wanting me- if its the brain meds, or if its just mental illness in general, but whatever it is, it works for me. I didn't want to go there every day, park, and most of all try to remember all the details of the case. That *is* something that my brain drugs do- make it difficult to remember things sometimes! Especially Topomax.
So there it is. I got kicked out for one or two reasons and it was all well that ended well.
