Schizoaffective Disorder - Finally

Just saw pdoc. We talked about a lot. But the upshot is she says Im hallucinating and paranoid outside a manic episode so she's decided I'm actually sza! Ive often thought this but she was so firmly determined that I was bp w\ psychosis I just dropped the subject. I know labels don't really matter but I feel like a puzzle piece that just fits better with sza than bipolar- even though they are close cousins. I have so often read descriptions of sza and thought "That's me!" but this is the second time someone has validated this.  It feels good!

Happy is So Hard/ Almost Inpatient

After feeling depressed this morning, I decided to go back to sleep. Felt depressed still when the phone woke me up at 11ish. It was xfinity wanting a bunch of stuff about my plan. I think I got it straightened out. Then the pdocs office called to check on me. I told them I am feeling more depressed lately and that I think my meds are messed up. He said something about a med box but i said i already have blister packs and that its all the med changes that are getting to me. I got dressed and got starbucks.

 I told my case manager I need IP when she gave me the choices- a 72 hour hold being one. But when she came back in the room she had a new plan: rearrange my meds- including upping my haldol to 6 mg. They organized the pills for me so theres that and also said to call if i need to. Im a little bummed. How more ways can I feel awful besides delusions paranioa hallucinations and depression? They also said it would take some time for the new doses to take effect.

Mulling over the idea of SH. Trying to drown out thoughts by blasting Adele 25.  

Im happy this way. Happy is so hard.

My youngest just put on Faure's Requiem.

Afraid someone will break in

Someone from pdoc's office called to check on me again. I keep forgetting to tell them that im afraid every day all the time that people will break into my apartment. I did say I often feel i'll faint/pass out. So at least I talked with them.

They've been calling me every day this past week or so to check on me.  I have to see my case manager right before my pdoc next week now too.

After-hours at Psych Office is Calling Me Tonight

And i dont know what to say. They apparently are checking up on me. On the other hand i keep thinking someone is recording everything I say when home but my phone doesnt work at home and theres a new detector thingie that who knows who put up on the ceiling that could be recording or scrambling my phone signal. Then again our Google home could be doing these things as well.

Doritos

Im in my bedroom.  I hear the sound of someone eating loud chips- like Doritos.  I call down to my youngest son- "N!  Are you eating chips?"  "No..." he calls back. The sound WAS pretty loud to have been heard from downstairs, I think.  But then I think maybe its Them.  The people who hide in my walls.  The ones who can do anything to hurt us - and will.  I run fans to drown out the noises but thats almost worse- like then I might not be able to hear them when they get near to get me with a syringe.  Its better when my kids are home because sometimes they protect me.

Now N3 just came in here and demanded that i "Erase that!"  I said "erase what? Im not recording anything"  and he just came up from downstairs??

Early Women's Mental Hospitals Were Absolutely Horrible

Early Women's Mental Hospitals Were Absolutely Horrible (Video)

Extreme Sommersaults

I didn't write yesterday because it was pretty full.  I felt like I'd slept way in past judo when I woke up because I'd ignored my alarm so long but my phone only said 8:15.  Plenty of time to get ready and stop for a tea on the way into judo and still not be late to class.

The class itself was fun.  Some warm-up exercises were easy but one made the whole room spin- I mean some serious vertigo.  I relayed this to K. , one of the senseis and he said I couldn't go home and to go stand in the corner.  I never asked to go home!  At any rate another sensei said "At least the mats are soft..."  (They're not.)  Later in the class I felt fine and even made the class laugh.

First thing in the morning I have to take Haldol 2mg now and again in the afternoon.  I managed yesterday but now I forgot to put them in my purse so i must go home to take it. No side effects yet except the ectreme dizziness from sommersaults.

Rewired Brains

At Starbucks. Was talking with my good friend C.S. on the phone. He's a wonderful person. Made fudge yesterday but it didn't set right; going to try again with N2. 

My head hurts. Maybe migraine. Hope not. 

I saw pdoc yesterday for an unplanned appointment. I'd called about my previous post and they wanted to see me. I got the choice of being pettitioned to the psych emergency services (or inpatient I don't remember) or wait in the waiting room for my pdoc to finish whatever she was doing. I chose to wait. 

Basically, my meds were changed to gett rid of Trileptal and re-add Haldol. Im not 100% sure though. I have a call in to remind me what to do. 

I told pdoc that I didnt know how I felt re my post yesterday. And I still dont. Mixed, really. I still think They are coming. C.S. tells me otherwise and that is comforting but Im still not sure. They have come before- and if and when they bring the weapons .... I dunno too much about me but I would hate for my kids to catch it. I love my kids. I don't want them to have rewired brains like I do.

Poisoned

Tried calling my kids and my mom. I figured they were poisoned with biological weapons. So i wanted to go home but i didnt and now i feel guilty. N3 texted me so I feel a little better. But my mom got mad for trying to call her. Which is why they can't answer the phone. And come to think of it why Ive felt like crap the last week. Think I'll tape up the windows just in case.  I came home and put on pajamas- against my better judgement. N2 went out- yet again. Every damned night. I still feel crappy. If i call pdoc see she has ignored me for like 3 weeks- meh... I have paperwork to turn in tomorrow. Important paperwork. If I sleep, They may come. With more bio weapons. Slow-acting ones so we can't tell right away. I screwed up my meds the last two days so we'll see what happens now. I think my cpap might keep at least me safe. :-(