Getting Out/ Wait, Wait, Wait....

I'm bored. All my groups are over so I'm just hanging out until they let me go. For one thing, they didn't give me my Latuda from this morning yet. (New med.) Apparently, the pharmacy was out and is only now getting some in. In the meantime, they are slowly getting my things together, but it seems at a stand still. They are sending me home in a taxi- they said around 4, but its 3:52 so I don't think that's going to happen. When I get home, I'm going to go out and get coffee with my friend at Starbucks. (We often hang out at Starbucks.) Then when I get home, I'll hang out with the kids and the dog. I had to write a plan of what I was going to do when I got out. One thing I wrote was go to the pharmacy. I recently transfered all my scripts to Walgreens from a "local" pharmacy; that pharmacy is 15 miles away when the new one is one or two at most. Plus, their copays are cheaper. I'm being sent home partly because they think I'm improved enough to leave, but partly because they say my insurance will stop paying and they don't want me to get a $5,000 bill. Thoughtful of them. I think I'd be upset over recieving a bill like that! I'm on hold on the phone with the pharmacy to talk to them about filling my Latuda. I'd forgotten to ask them about that when I called earlier. I need to rearrange my pill box when I get home because they changed my Latuda dose (I think), added a new drug for the akathesia, and took me off the zyprexa. Wait, wait, wait....

In the Psych Hospital Again

It's that time of year- Fall- and here I am yet again. As I posted before, I knew my brain was going bad several days ago. I felt aggitated. I couldn't hold still. My insides were all stirred up. I had to go to the grocery store about three days ago to get cat litter. I knew that going to Meijer (the store) might trigger me, but I set the thought aside. I ended up at the same balcony that I was at last year when I got admitted to this hospital. I wanted to jump. (Last year, I wanted to fly off.) I wanted to do anything to get rid of this horrible feeling inside me. I nearly climbed over the railing- seeing my legs climb on after the other over-, but I was on the phone with my good friend, Caleb who told me that I indeed could NOT fly, that I would die if I tried.  I didn't trust myself. I had thoughts of stopping this feeling any way I could. Thoughts of stabbing myself. Internally, I felt like I'd had about 100 cups of coffee, like I wanted to jump up and down, scream and scream and scream. I paced and paced and ground my teeth and breathed quickly. I forced myself off the balcony. I bought the cat litter and made myself drive home. On the way home, I had thoughts of driving into oncoming traffic. When I got home, I went outside and called the psych. ER. The woman on the phone said I should be evaluated at any psych ER, not necessarily that one. I went to that one anyway. After many hours in the psych ER, they decided to admit me to their hospital. I was very lucky to get a spot there, as there aren't often rooms at this hospital. Since I got here, the plan has been to change my medication again. We talked about just to which medication, but I've been on so many that its nearly impossible, so we decided to go off Zyprexa completely and stay on the med that's causing me the problems (Latuda) and add something to take away these feelings- known as "akathesia"- called Inderal. I've been here since early Monday morning- about 4:30 a.m. I'm not sure how many days I will be here. Oh but this morning they came in my room at about 5:00 saying to "get up" and "get a shower" and I was going for "ECT". That's electric convulsive therapy. That's where they shock your brain. I've never had it before. Its for depression that won't respond to drugs. I actually was in the bathroom about to turn the shower on when someone else came in and said that they had the wrong person so I wasn't getting ECT. Could've been a closer call, true, but still they got the wrong person! We've made plans for treatment which include watching how I do on the Inderal (it lowers your blood pressure). I am feeling a bit drowsy since going on the Inderal though they assure me that they gave me a very low dose so maybe its not the drug. More when I know more.

Med Change and Feel Bad

Since yesterday Ive felt bad. Inside i might explode. I cant stop talking sometimes. I cant stop thinking. My hands shake more than usual. I know my brain is rewired from the med change from Zyprexa to Latuda. I feel out of control. I dont see my psychiatrist for a week and a half but i do see mt therapist in two days. My brain feels like its been taken over. I also didnt eat as much at dinner last night. The world seems surreal . I fly through it speeding down aisleways like they dont exist. I can almost speed through people who might be there. Is this mania? A friend suggested it might be manifesting itself differently: rather than delusions and hallucinations, this. I feel like screaming. The scream builds up and its very difficult to squelch it. Im wondering if its not akathesia. I feel I might explodode and a scream would be a good release of this energy.

Early Hallucinations, Aliens and Delusions

When I was 20, I got my wisdom teeth removed. I was staying at my parents place while my live-in boyfriend went to visit his mom out of state. My mom was on a business trip but my dad was around. We always blames the following episodes on the pain meds I was on but now I wonder if they werent early bipolar symptoms.

The first episode occurred one evening in the livingroom. The lroom backed up to a second-floor balcony with sliding glass doors. I saw aliens there quietly knocking to get in. The second episode was in the basement that had windows and a door both without curtains or shades. At night this made the windows black. I thought the blackness was coming to get me. I called my mom on her business trip to tell her so. She said that the dark couldnt get me and i said. "I know but its still coming to get me".

Now I see these as early hallucinations and delusions like the ones I.ve been having lately. Whether they were brought on by the pain meds I still don't know but it just occurred how much this past week is like 20-some years ago.