Fewer Meds! (Trip to See Friend)

I am now off Trazodone.  I am down to 50mg* for the Seroquel; I will stick with that for a week or two then try going without.  I DID sleep last night with this combinaton: No trazodone, 5 mg Haldol, and 50 mg Seroquel.  I'm amazed!  One must be tired enough to do this, I'm thinking.  Is my brain ironing itself out?  It seems to be.  (*Seroquel works as a sleep med at low doses.  For comparison, when I first started Seroquel, it was at 450/500 mg!)

I got my desktop computer to work, so I can type more easily and quickly.  I am also planning a trip to see a long-time friend (22 years).  That should be fun.  My only issue with navigating the airport.  But we are working on having someone that works at the airport go with me so I don't get lost.  (Drain Bammage.)

Withdrawal from trazodone

Imm shaking. My whole body. It wonnt stop. Its been doing this off and on since i changed my meds. But now i cant settle at all to sleep. I stopped trazodone cold turkey. Im wondering if thats it. So i took a dose to see. Waiting for it to kick in. Pdoc thought my hand shaking was due to haldol so she cut that in half. I suppose i need to call tomorrow. Hoping i can sleep tonight. I didnt know trazodone had withdrawal symptoms. Im still on seroquel 100. Stopping that cold turkey kept me wide awake! And yes pdoc told me to do that too! Ifeel better now.  The trazodone has kicked in.  I'd been off it for a week.  Aaahhh! Sleep!

Cacophony

I was just watching a show on youtube about scizophrenia. I could relate to quite a bit of what they described. But the one that struck me the mostwas the description of being in a crowded place - like a restaurant or concert venue- and not being able to filter it out; all the voices and klinking of utensils come at once and yet individually all screaming at me iin their own language. A cacophony of sound. It is overwhelming.

News! Not just bipolar

Today has been a good day.  I got up early and got a shower and took off for my med review with my nurse practitioner (aka "pdoc").  She lowered seroquel to whatever I want.  That is, I can break the 200's into 100's.  My haldol is reduced from 10 mg to 5.  Apparently, halfol is in short supply so they mostly have 5's. 

I'm sitting in Starbucks right now with a woman whom I met here several months ago.  She has lots of work to do because she's in school to be an occupational therapist.  I admire that she can keep the deluge of information organized in her brain.  Another friend is meeting us here in a little bit. 

I have been told by people that I should type more about my daily life rather than all the times I have serious issues: it makes it seem like I'm always in crisis which isn't true at all.  I have stable times- like now. 

Also, according to being weighed this morning I have lost weight!  That's great!  Really makes me happy since I felt stuck recently. 

I would really like to publish this blog as a book but Im not sure how I'd go about it.  There are nearly 450 posts! 

Lost

I had to find my way home after church because i parked in a lot with lots of construction. Google maps took me a crazy way home but I figured it out. N3 is at church- theyre having an out day- coffee shop, movie, lunch. So I have to go back to church to pick him up later. Only one person- the priest- asked me how I am. I havent been to choir in ages. I just said , "I have bipolar disorder..." And left it at that. I dont even know what my deal is. I just dont want to do anything. Id rather sleep. But once Im up i still dont want to be whereever I am. Right now Im at my mom's house and nobody knows Im here. I like nobody knowing where I am. I used to do that in my 20s- take off from work and "get lost". It was thrilling to me.

Want Hospitalization

I know im depressed now. I just cant do this. Today i came home to paperwork on my door from the landlord. I have two other sets to do. Im so overwhelmed!!! And now N3 missed piano AND play practice by refusing to go! Hes going to be fired from the play Im sure. This is the last week of rehearsals too.  hes just laying in bed and wont say more than one syllable words. Im at my wit's end!! My case manager said shed help me with the paperwork but so far she hasnt called me back. I want to go IP but that would probably make everything worse. I mean look at my ******* signature- all those episose close together! Im at a breaking point.



Most recent episodes:

Paranoia
(September, 2018)

Manic
(July\August, 2018)

Hypomanic
(July, 2018)

Psychotic
(June, 2018)

Manic
(September, 2016)

Schizoaffective Disorder - Finally

Just saw pdoc. We talked about a lot. But the upshot is she says Im hallucinating and paranoid outside a manic episode so she's decided I'm actually sza! Ive often thought this but she was so firmly determined that I was bp w\ psychosis I just dropped the subject. I know labels don't really matter but I feel like a puzzle piece that just fits better with sza than bipolar- even though they are close cousins. I have so often read descriptions of sza and thought "That's me!" but this is the second time someone has validated this.  It feels good!

Happy is So Hard/ Almost Inpatient

After feeling depressed this morning, I decided to go back to sleep. Felt depressed still when the phone woke me up at 11ish. It was xfinity wanting a bunch of stuff about my plan. I think I got it straightened out. Then the pdocs office called to check on me. I told them I am feeling more depressed lately and that I think my meds are messed up. He said something about a med box but i said i already have blister packs and that its all the med changes that are getting to me. I got dressed and got starbucks.

 I told my case manager I need IP when she gave me the choices- a 72 hour hold being one. But when she came back in the room she had a new plan: rearrange my meds- including upping my haldol to 6 mg. They organized the pills for me so theres that and also said to call if i need to. Im a little bummed. How more ways can I feel awful besides delusions paranioa hallucinations and depression? They also said it would take some time for the new doses to take effect.

Mulling over the idea of SH. Trying to drown out thoughts by blasting Adele 25.  

Im happy this way. Happy is so hard.

My youngest just put on Faure's Requiem.

Afraid someone will break in

Someone from pdoc's office called to check on me again. I keep forgetting to tell them that im afraid every day all the time that people will break into my apartment. I did say I often feel i'll faint/pass out. So at least I talked with them.

They've been calling me every day this past week or so to check on me.  I have to see my case manager right before my pdoc next week now too.

After-hours at Psych Office is Calling Me Tonight

And i dont know what to say. They apparently are checking up on me. On the other hand i keep thinking someone is recording everything I say when home but my phone doesnt work at home and theres a new detector thingie that who knows who put up on the ceiling that could be recording or scrambling my phone signal. Then again our Google home could be doing these things as well.

Doritos

Im in my bedroom.  I hear the sound of someone eating loud chips- like Doritos.  I call down to my youngest son- "N!  Are you eating chips?"  "No..." he calls back. The sound WAS pretty loud to have been heard from downstairs, I think.  But then I think maybe its Them.  The people who hide in my walls.  The ones who can do anything to hurt us - and will.  I run fans to drown out the noises but thats almost worse- like then I might not be able to hear them when they get near to get me with a syringe.  Its better when my kids are home because sometimes they protect me.

Now N3 just came in here and demanded that i "Erase that!"  I said "erase what? Im not recording anything"  and he just came up from downstairs??

Early Women's Mental Hospitals Were Absolutely Horrible

Early Women's Mental Hospitals Were Absolutely Horrible (Video)

Extreme Sommersaults

I didn't write yesterday because it was pretty full.  I felt like I'd slept way in past judo when I woke up because I'd ignored my alarm so long but my phone only said 8:15.  Plenty of time to get ready and stop for a tea on the way into judo and still not be late to class.

The class itself was fun.  Some warm-up exercises were easy but one made the whole room spin- I mean some serious vertigo.  I relayed this to K. , one of the senseis and he said I couldn't go home and to go stand in the corner.  I never asked to go home!  At any rate another sensei said "At least the mats are soft..."  (They're not.)  Later in the class I felt fine and even made the class laugh.

First thing in the morning I have to take Haldol 2mg now and again in the afternoon.  I managed yesterday but now I forgot to put them in my purse so i must go home to take it. No side effects yet except the ectreme dizziness from sommersaults.

Rewired Brains

At Starbucks. Was talking with my good friend C.S. on the phone. He's a wonderful person. Made fudge yesterday but it didn't set right; going to try again with N2. 

My head hurts. Maybe migraine. Hope not. 

I saw pdoc yesterday for an unplanned appointment. I'd called about my previous post and they wanted to see me. I got the choice of being pettitioned to the psych emergency services (or inpatient I don't remember) or wait in the waiting room for my pdoc to finish whatever she was doing. I chose to wait. 

Basically, my meds were changed to gett rid of Trileptal and re-add Haldol. Im not 100% sure though. I have a call in to remind me what to do. 

I told pdoc that I didnt know how I felt re my post yesterday. And I still dont. Mixed, really. I still think They are coming. C.S. tells me otherwise and that is comforting but Im still not sure. They have come before- and if and when they bring the weapons .... I dunno too much about me but I would hate for my kids to catch it. I love my kids. I don't want them to have rewired brains like I do.

Poisoned

Tried calling my kids and my mom. I figured they were poisoned with biological weapons. So i wanted to go home but i didnt and now i feel guilty. N3 texted me so I feel a little better. But my mom got mad for trying to call her. Which is why they can't answer the phone. And come to think of it why Ive felt like crap the last week. Think I'll tape up the windows just in case.  I came home and put on pajamas- against my better judgement. N2 went out- yet again. Every damned night. I still feel crappy. If i call pdoc see she has ignored me for like 3 weeks- meh... I have paperwork to turn in tomorrow. Important paperwork. If I sleep, They may come. With more bio weapons. Slow-acting ones so we can't tell right away. I screwed up my meds the last two days so we'll see what happens now. I think my cpap might keep at least me safe. :-(

Cannabis may help people with psychosis

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/aug/29/brain-scans-show-how-cannabis-extract-may-help-people-with-psychosis research

Brain scans show how cannabis extract may help people with psychosis

Cannabidiol reduces the brain activity linked to hallucinations, delusions and other forms of psychosis, research has found

Ian Sample Science editor

 @iansample

Wed 29 Aug 2018 11.07 EDTLast modified on Wed 29 Aug 2018 14.40 EDT

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Brain scans have revealed for the first time how a substance found in cannabis plants may help people with psychotic disorders by dampening down abnormal brain activity that arises in the patients.

A single dose of cannabidiol, an non-intoxicating extract of the plant, reduced unusual patterns of neural behaviour linked to hallucinations, delusions, and other symptoms of psychosis, researchers found.

The impact of the substance has raised hopes that medical preparations of pure cannabidiol, or new drugs based on the compound, may be turned into effective treatments for young people who develop psychosis but do not respond to existing therapies.

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The most common treatments for psychosis today work on a brain chemical called dopamine, but no new drugs have been developed for the condition since they were discovered in the 1950s. “These results will clearly pave the way for developing a novel class of antipsychotic treatments,” said Sagnik Bhattacharyya, who led the research at King’s College London

A neuroscientist explains: the need for ‘empathetic citizens’ - podcast

Cannabis plants produce more than 100 active compounds known as cannabinoids. The most potent, and the substance responsible for the cannabis “high”, is THC or tetrahydrocannabinol. In the past two decades, cannabis with high levels of THC – about 15% – has come to dominate the market in the UK and elsewhere.

While high strength cannabis is suspected of raising the risk of mental health problems in some frequent cannabis users, cannabidiol or CBD appears to have opposite, antipsychotic properties. In illicit cannabis, there is too little CBD to have much beneficial effect, but researchers have long wondered whether doses of pure CBD may help to protect against psychosis.

“We knew from previous studies that CBD had antipsychotic effects, but we didn’t know how it worked,” said Bhattacharyya.

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To find out, the researchers recruited 33 people who had all sought help for mild or occasional psychotic symptoms, such as hearing voices or having paranoid delusions. A single dose of cannabidiol was given to 16 of them, while the remaining 17 received an identical-looking placebo.

The scientists then watched how the volunteers’ brains behaved as they performed simple tasks in a magnetic resonance imaging machine. While in the brain scanner, the participants were asked to say whether pairs of words, such as ‘baby’ and ‘cries’ were related or not, and later, to recall the word that completed a pair when prompted by the scientists.

When the researchers compared scans from the different patient groups, and with scans from age and sex-matched healthy people, they found that the patients with psychotic symptoms had abnormal patterns of activity in three distinct brain regions, all of which are involved in psychosis. But in patients who had a single dose of CBD, the unusual brain activity appeared to be dampened down, making their scans more similar to those of health individuals. Details of the work are published in JAMA Psychiatry.

“This was just a single dose of CBD and that is not going to treat or cure psychosis,” said Bhattacharyya. “But this shows us that CBD at least has an effect on abnormal brain activity that is consistent with it being an antipsychotic.”

The King’s College researchers are now launching the first large scale trial to investigate whether pure, medical grade CBD is an effective treatment for young people who are at high risk of developing psychosis. The trial, which is expected to start recruiting early next year, is backed by the Medical Research Council and the National Institute for Health Research.

“If the trial shows it has efficacy, then the next step will be to get through the regulatory hurdles os using CBD in the clinic to treat patients,” said Bhattacharyya. “One shouldn’t get the impression that it’s OK to start prescribing CBD tomorrow.”

Me in My Shortened Gi- Before & After

                              Before judo

 After judo

Room Spins

This started at Starbucks maybe an hour ago. Ears closing up. Internal restlessness. Anxiety? Part of depression? Its coming from nowhere it feels like. I guess I'll take a PRN Ativan 1.0 mg. I still don't understand where this is coming from. That depression stuff from yesterday maybe? When I move my head the room spins.

No Commitment

I still feel yucky.  If I tell my psych dr she will throw me back on lithium.  Possibly not take me off seroquel and maybe raise my wellbutrin.  Im trying to get off meds not go on more.  She looked at me sideways like i might be depressed last time i saw her but i so rarely am...  I feel more down for more days than i have in a long time.  I cant get any guy friends to commit to sex. Most i got was mark said i could come over for dinner with his fiance. Lmao. 

I Put On a Fake Grin

I'm not feeling good. I mean, I went to my family gathering today and mostly went through the motions and when they said I looked great because I'd lost weight I put on a fake grin, but mostly I was inside when everyone else was on the screened-in porch- on my phone trying to text anybody and everybody about sex. I've spent too much money lately- I've got $30 to my name- not to mention that that tree was way too expensive no matter how cool it is. I've been doing this a lot. Then I turn around, buy handcuffs, he says no and its all I can do to not sob before I leave. I'm courteous with my family, saying only good things going on in my life like judo while inside I know that this is far from the truth. My nurse practitioner ALMOST caught this last Thursday when I saw her- the depressed yet hypo/manic states but she let it go. I'm left wondering if I should call her on Monday or if I should see if my new med arrangement will iron some of this out. Meanwhile, I'm afraid I will scare away each and every one of my friends one by one.

I Can't. I Just Can't....

Is this a stupid thing to be sad about or am I just getting down or what?

Possible trigger: 

I was at my "buddy's" place and we didn't seem to be clicking. Ok we did some.... I mean we ALWAYS do and its been 13 years. So I'd told him I'd brought him a present and after a while I showed him it was under his pillow. He picked it up and said "These are heavy!" Then he thought for a second and said "I can't. I just can't." No reasons why. It hit me hard. I wanted to cry right then and there. It was the anticipation and the fact that I never dreamed that he'd say no. They were authentic handcuffs. After that he just quit. Just lay there and couldn't continue.
After a while, he got up and got some gin and tonic and begin getting out his art supplies and commenting on how he could draw me and my tattoos. I still was holding back tears. In fact, I did until I got ready to leave when I walked out the door and one tear rolled down my cheek.
Edit: seems he probably lost his erection anf this upset him.  I didn't realize this at the .the time.

Psych nurse appointment and DHS

I saw pnurse practitioner this morning. It didn't go exactly how I'd envisioned. Turns out we are keeping Seroquel as it is, stopping Lithium completely, and upping trileptal to 900 mg\day. That means a trip to the pharmacy. Next month, we are stopping Seroquel (or at least reducing it) and adding Haldol. She thinks I'm a difficult case med-wise. She also thinks Rexulti is wonderful and that 3 mg is my magic number so we're not changing that. 

Right after this I went to DHS to apply for Medicaid and foodstamps for my youngest. My older two will have to this on their own because of their ages. Now I just wait to see if I need to send any other proofs etc. This is bevause my lovely ex got fired and with it the health insurance for the kids.

A lady called from DHS. Talked for 45 mins about my application. Said I'll get paperwork in the mail telling me if I am accepted or rejected for me and the kids.

Oh yeah. As an afterthought, pnurse asked me if I were feeling depressed. I said I was feeling more sleepy. Lots of long naps. This was just as I was walking out. Wonder why she asked.

Bonsai Ficus

I've been into plants lately.  My most recent one is a bonsai ficus.  Its really fun!

Judo Today

My judo class today.  The young man with the green belt kneeling down got promoted.  I am on the very right.  You can tell that my gi is too big.

Judo always gets the neurons firing and the endorphines flowing.  It's hard work!

Me throwing the judoka who got promoted (a tradition for the entire class and senseis):

Drs Uncover Cause of Antipsychotic Weight Gain

https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/media/releases/Hopkins_Scientists_Uncover_Cause_Of_Antipsychotic_Drug_Weight_Gain

Hopkins Scientists Uncover Cause Of Antipsychotic Drug Weight Gain

Release Date: February 12, 2007

Johns Hopkins brain scientists have hit on how and why some powerful drugs used for treating mental illnesses cause patients to gain so much weight that they often develop life-threatening complications such as diabetes and heart disease.

“We’ve now connected a whole class of antipsychotics to natural brain chemicals that trigger appetite,” says Solomon H. Snyder, M.D.,professor of neuroscience at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. “Our identification of the molecular players that link such drugs to increased food intake means there’s now hope for finding a newer generation of drugs without the weight-gain side effects.”

The discovery will be published online next week at the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Previous research already had fingered increased levels and actions of one particular enzyme, AMPK, in brain cells as a control lever for appetite in mice and presumably humans.

Suspecting that antipsychotic drugs might spike AMPK in the brain to overact, the Johns Hopkins team injected mice with clozapine (Clozaril), which, with olanzapine (Zyprexa) and risperidone (Risperdal), is commonly prescribed for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in people who do poorly on conventional drugs.

Mice given clozapine showed quadrupled AMPK activity compared to activity measured pre-drug.

The researchers then gave the mice leptin, a hormone that suppresses appetite, and as suspected, saw lowered AMPK levels.

Drilling down further into what controls AMPK and its boost of hunger, Sangwon Kim, Ph.D., a research associate and lead author of the study, “rounded up the usual suspects, brain proteins known to relay communication from cell to cell.”

Systematically manipulating these cell-signaling proteins, Snyder’s team found that blocking one in particular, a receptor site for histamine, a well-known player in triggering classic allergy symptoms, activates AMPK to the same extent as clozapine. To confirm that the histamine receptor connects the drug, AMPK activity and appetite, the team gave clozapine to mice genetically engineered without a histamine receptor.

Results?  Peace. No heightened AMPK activity.

“Histamine also has a long history as a suspect in weight control, but no one ever could put a finger on the exact link,” says Snyder. “The connection we’ve made between its receptor and appetite control is incredibly intriguing and opens new avenues for research on weight control, possibly including drugs that suppress appetite safely.”

The research was funded by the U.S. Public Health Service, Canadian Institute of Health Research, National Institutes of Health and National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

Authors on the paper are Kim, Alex Huang, Adele Snowman and Snyder of Hopkins, and Cory Teuscher of the University of Vermont College of Medicine.

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Sleep Apnea Changes Your Brain

BiPap

I have sleep apnea and bipolar disorder.  According to articles I've read, the lack of oxygen to the brain during apnea spells can harm the brain and yes even cause bipolar disorder and major depression. 

My sleep apnea seemed to start after my bipolar disorder: I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 33 and given Depakote to treat it whereupon I then gained sixty pounds.  Sleep apnea was the result. 

So it is that they can go hand-in-hand: bipolar happens and then sleep apnea or sleep apnea and then bipolar (or major depression).  Either way our brains are affected in a big way and changed foreveralong the way.

SSee the scientific  article before this post about this same subject.

Bipolar & Sleep Apnea

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11325-016-1389-x

Sleep and Breathing

May 2017, Volume 21, Issue 2, pp 243–253| Cite as

Sleep apnea is associated with an increased risk of mood disorders: a population-based cohort study

• Authors
• Authors and affiliations

• Ming-Kun Lu
• Hung-Pin Tan
• I-Ning Tsai
• Li-Chung Huang
• Xin-Ming Liao
• Sheng-Hsiang Lin

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4. 4.
5. 5.
6. 6.
7. 7.
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Sleep Breathing Physiology and Disorders • Original Article

First Online: 05 August 2016

• 413Downloads
 
• 3Citations

Abstract

Purpose

The symptoms of sleep apnea, such as sleep fragmentation and oxygen desaturation, might be risk factors for subsequent mood disorder (MD), but associations between sleep apnea and MD remain unclear. This nationwide population-based study thus aimed to identify the risk of MD in patients with vs. without sleep apnea.

Methods

This cohort study used data from the National Health Insurance database. In total, 5415 patients diagnosed with sleep apnea between 2000 and 2010 were evaluated, and 27,075 matched non-sleep apnea enrollees were included as a comparison cohort. All subjects were followed until 2011. The Cox proportional hazard ratio (HR) was used to investigate the relationship between MD and sleep apnea while controlling covariates and comorbidities of sleep apnea.

Results

Of 5415, 154 patients with sleep apnea (2.84 %) were diagnosed with MD during the follow-up period in comparison with 306 of 27,075 individuals (1.13 %) without antecedent sleep apnea. After adjusting for the selected factors and comorbidities, we found that patients with sleep apnea were from 1.82- to 2.07-fold greater risk of MD than the comparisons. Of the three subcategories of MD (major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and unspecified MD), sleep apnea had the highest predisposing risk with respect to major depressive disorder (adjusted HR from 1.82 to 2.07) and bipolar disorder (adjusted HR from 2.15 to 3.24).

Conclusions

There is a greater likelihood of MD manifesting in patients with a history of sleep apnea. Health professionals are thus advised to carefully monitor the psychological impacts of sleep apnea.

Keywords

Sleep apnea Mood disorder Nationwide population-based study Major depressive disorder Bipolar disorder 

Ming-Kun Lu and Hung-Pin Tan contributed equally to the study.

Electronic supplementary material

The online version of this article (doi: 10.1007/s11325-016-1389-x) contains supplementary material, which is available to authorized users.