Today was my phone call from my case manager for my yearly whatever-it-is. She asked me how much my symptoms have been bothering me lately and when the last time I have been hospitalized. Then she looked it up and told me it was 2016. She kept asking questions and the more she did the more I felt like I was defending my illness. Like I had to PROVE that I haven't miraculously become healed since last year! She asked how do I deal with my suicidal thoughts. I told her I still have depression anxiety and mania. Again, it felt like I was digging for symptoms and that I was almost lying- just because I felt I was taking an exam and in danger of failing with each new query. She said my last hospitalization was 2016. And I said that there have been times since then when my pdoc wanted to hospitalize me but. Didn't because she wanted to see if she could fix it herself! This conversation lasted over an hour! I felt I was on trial. I remember doing this same interview last year in person with my old case manager and it seemed simple. She asked about my money situation, was I on section 8, and food stamps, and SSI and such. Felt humiliating! Even though I depend on these things, just talking about them made me feel uneasy that they were going to be taken away! So now I feel anxious. I feel like things are better now that I've moved and she picked up on this and asked me if that were true and I said yes in the last few months things have gotten a little easier. Still I'm left feeling like they won't accept me to receive services at the community mental heal services building anymore. Last time I did this- last year- it was no big deal. She asked who I go to when I'm feeling out of sorts and asked do I do crafts when I'm not feeling good and I said no I more listen to music. And she pointed out that Im not in church choir anymore and I said its a matter of no in person rehearsals and all I have is zoom on my phone and I can't see/hear everyone I'm talking/singing with like that. Plus Christopher got mad at me for not taking as many pictures as he does and that I have talent. The truth is that I have no subjects. No friends or family to take photos of what with covid. Is that just an excuse? Is this post just rambling? Does it even make sense?
Monday, December 28, 2020
Tuesday, December 22, 2020
Christmas Week
Coming up on January 10th, there is going to be a new series of All Creatures Great and Small on PBS. I'm looking forward to it. I got a new antenna for my TV which gets PBS so I can watch this show. (My old one did not.) Noah set up the antenna for me- got the tv to find all the channels the antenna can see. The only problem is that now Antenna TV- a tv channel- isn't there in the list of available channels anymore. But I've found a game show station and they're doing a Betty White marathon right now. I watched Super Market Sweep this morning. I used to love that show back in the day. I don't know why. I guess all the running around they do against the clock and to see how much their totals add up to and if they find the $5000.
Today, I woke up with a backache on my left side. This keeps happening- has been for weeks. I wonder if I just sleep funny? I had been wondering if it is my kidney because my bloodwork came back with lowered kidney function last month- twice! I guess it must not be serious or my doctor would do something about it. But my liver function is good now! I still have cirrhosis though. I don't know if that ever goes away- I suspect that it doesn't. I am watching what I eat, so that I might lose more weight. I've hit a plateau. I'm using an app that records fat, calories, carbs, I wish I could go to the mall to walk for an hour or so several times a week. Ok- the reality is that I could- and should! I want to walk outside, but it's just too cold, even with my winter coat on. It's 42 degrees as I type this. Not bad. I need to go to the grocery store sometime soon. It's only going to get busier there as time passes. Christmas is in 3 days! I still need to go to my mom's house and get the secret present. We chose names out of a hat - well, "the dog" did; my mom said her dog picked the names! All the presents were to be dropped off at my mom's place by yesterday and we are to pick ours up before Christmas. We are going to try to have a zoom meeting from our own houses Christmas morning. I hope I get a CD - I don't really care who it is. I also asked for cleaning supplies which I need, too. Maybe I'll get both?? We had a limit of $25. I did buy myself something for "Christmas". I got a new cell phone. My old one wasn't charging fully anymore, no matter how long it was plugged in and it was 2 to 3 years old! Plus, I couldn't hear the main speaker very well. I had to use earphones to be able to hear what people were saying. It was just time! We are planning on getting together via Zoom Christmas morning. I hope it's not too busy that we can't get on. We usually have Mickey Mouse waffles and real maple syrup with sausages. Sometimes, we have half a grapefruit each, too, but my kids didn't really like them- they're less sweet that oranges- so we haven't had them in years.
Still feeling ok, mentally. My case manager is going to call me and get some important paperwork done so I can continue getting services there. A couple days ago, I did "freak out" a bit, though. I thought someone had taken over my phone and/or I had a virus. No reason, except my phone warned me against "phishing" when I clicked on a link that a friend sent- but it always does that when I click a link in a text message. It opened to what looked like a YouTube video of a simulation of an airplane landing- very poorly, bouncing around and through things. I thought the corner of the screen said "VIRUS" in green letters! I freaked out, grabbed my purse and phone, threw on my shoes and drove the short distance to the phone store that I'd purchased my phone only a week before. When I got there, I couldn't stop explaining what had happened. The guy looked at me like I was crazy. I handed him the phone and he spent a couple minutes swiping and clicking, swiping and clicking... He finally handed it back to me saying he couldn't find anything. I left, still thinking my phone was - going to be?- possessed. Someone said that maybe it's still infected and it just hasn't started "working" yet. I kept hearing commercials on tv about identity theft protection. Ahhh! Someone is going to steal my identity! I did talk with the person who sent me that link and they said it was a YouTube video for them of a plane that he thought looked "like a real plane" until he saw that it "went through another plane". He said he didn't get any warnings or troubles from YouTube.
I talked with Caleb today for quite a while. It is his first day back to work after having to quarantine because he had Covid-19! He said he was "only sick for the first two days" but he felt pretty bad those 2 days. His only symptoms were a slight fever and a cough- but then, he said he "have a cough most of the time anyway". The remaining time he was out of work- for a week and a half- he was just bored. We had a nice conversation today. I was more talkative than usual, but I just had stories to tell! The story of how I found out I was pregnant with Noah and the story about how I met Thomas Wiswell back in 2000. (He's a big circumcision proponent. Or used to be. He wrote a "study" that "showed that infants who were not circumcised had 'ten times' more likely to get urinary tract infections than circumcised infants'." The problem with that study is that the circumcised babies were full-term and healthy, while the intact babies were in the NICU. And the "ten times" was .1% and 1%. So babies aren't likely to get UTIs in the first place. And these results were only for babies up till 6 months after birth. Not to mention that girl infants get a UTI 4% of the time. So, I was asked to come help staff a table with circumcision information where a group of neonatologists were having a convention. There were lots of people on the program and the talks lasted hours. Last on the list was Wiswell. Of course, he gave a talk on circumcision. It was full of half-truths, skewed statistics, scare tactics, and outright lies. Norm, who got the table for his group where I met Wiswell, asked "What is the function of the foreskin?" Wiswell dismissed this out of hand. Other doctors were asking good questions, but again, more lies and half truths. I had talked with Wiswell one-on-one earlier that afternoon. He came up to the booth and started looking at some print outs of his "study". I knew he was a neonatologist, so I started talking about my history as a premature infant. We talked about the Baby Bird respirator that I used as a newborn. I was gauging his personality as he spoke, looking at his facial expressions. He came across as smug, self-righteous and a narcissist. He wasn't lying to me but how could I tell? He certainly lied straight through his teeth when giving his lecture. As I said, it was full of lies, half-truths, twisted facts, gaslighting, amongst other things. Oh surprise!
At any rate, that's what Caleb and I talked about and how my weeks is going. I got an email from my pen pal/friend Greg. He seems like his Christmas week is going well. My mom made some chocolate-peanut butter, oat treats yesterday. She also made her famous shortbread recently, too. She showed me how last year, but I don't remember exactly what she did and I couldn't go over to her house to watch this year because of Covid, so I guess I had better hope she lives past next Christmas and I can write the steps down! My mom also finished the rainbow blanket she made to match my colorful lamp! It is so nice to cozy up with, especially with a cup of hot Ovaltine! She did a complicated stitch, too.
Wednesday, December 9, 2020
Manic Memories
I've had times when I've been very angry and screamed at people and had no idea that I was manic! I don't KNOW I'm delusional when I'm delusional. I want the crazies to stop. I want the others that I'm screaming at to stop screaming at ME! It never occurs to me that they might be screamign back at my screaming. EIther way, its not good. I left a fight like that once and took my car out and drove to a drug store, calling my sister telling her
Observation
I talked with Caleb today. We got talking about mental health and me. He made the observation - (keep in mind that we talk almost every day for a couple hours)- that when I'm unwell, I don't want to get better. That I'd rather just be sick. Interesting? Maybe I don't have the vision to see that I'm sick or maybe I just don't want to believe that I'm having an episode. What do you think? Do you do this too?
Monday, November 30, 2020
Bipolar Biographies
Monday, November 23, 2020
Yesterday
Ann Arbor preparatory choir - Yesterday
This is my youngest child at age 8 rehearsing with the boy choir. Photos by me. (All my kids are grown now, hence the appropriateness of the song "Yesterday" with this video.)
Friday, November 20, 2020
New "All Creatures Great and Small" TV Series!
Remember the series of books that, in America, started with "All Creatures Great and Small"? Remember the 1970's TV series of the same name? Well they're back! PBS is showing Season 1 of "All Creatures Great and Small" 2021! January 10, 2021 will be the first episode's air date. It is based on the much-beloved, never-out-of-print books. Season 1 has seven episodes. There will be no bingeing, though, as we tune in each week at 9 p.m. One thing I find satisfying is that Siegfried is, in fact, tall! The books describe him as tall and lanky- one thing that Robert Hardy was not in the first TV series, though he played him to perfection. It will be interesting to see how closely they follow the books- what will they put in and what will they keep out? How will this compare to the 1970's version of the show?
Only seven weeks to go! Follow the links below for more on the show, including a video preview and who plays whom.
IMDB's page on the 2021 version of All Creatures Great and Small
Thursday, November 19, 2020
Prechter Research Program (e.g. Study I posted about yesterday)
About the Prechter Program study I blogged about yesterday. Much information at this site!
About the Prechter research program
"The Heinz C. Prechter Bipolar Research Program’s goals are to discover the fundamental biological changes that cause bipolar disorder and develop new interventions to treat and prevent the illness. This is done through the study of the longitudinal course of the illness in people who are diagnosed with bipolar. Research involves biology (including genetics), clinical, and environmental features. Bipolar disorder has a biological foundation, and is influenced by personal, social and environmental surroundings. An integrated research approach is needed in order to understand the individual with the disease.
"Bipolar disorder is an illness that has been with mankind since recorded history. Research is essential to both treat and prevent bipolar disorder in future generations. Prechter research emphasizes strategies to identify the illness at earlier stages of development, and among people with established bipolar disorder to test methods to predict emerging episodes of mania and depression. People with bipolar disorder do live productive lives, yet many suffer unnecessarily.
"Enormous progress has been made toward finding the answers to these fundamental questions in the field of neuroscience. Researchers at the Prechter Program, under the leadership of Melvin McInnis, M.D., are at the vanguard of the science of bipolar disorder."
Wednesday, November 18, 2020
After 12 years, study I'm in finds interesting info on bipolar
I have been in this study for the whole 12 years and counting.
After Searching 12 Years for the Cause of Bipolar Disorder, Team Concludes It Has Many
Long-term study in more than 1,100 people yields a new seven-factor framework detailing the causes of bipolar disorder that could help patients, clinicians, and researchers.
ANN ARBOR, Mich. – Nearly 6 million Americans have bipolar disorder, and most have probably wondered why. After more than a decade of studying over 1,100 of them in-depth, a University of Michigan team has an answer – or rather, seven answers.
In fact, they say, no one genetic change, or chemical imbalance, or life event, lies at the heart of every case of the mental health condition once known as manic depression. Rather, every patient’s experience with bipolar disorder varies from that of others with the condition. But all of their experiences include features that fall into seven classes of phenotypes, or characteristics that can be observed, the team reports in a new paper in the International Journal of Epidemiology.
The team, from U-M’s Heinz C. Prechter Bipolar Research Program, collected and analyzed tens of thousands of data points over years about the genetics, emotions, life experiences, medical histories, motivations, diets, temperaments, sleep patterns and thought patterns of research volunteers. More than 730 had bipolar disorder, and 277 didn’t. Three-quarters of them are currently active research participants in the Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder.
Using those findings, the team has developed a framework that could be useful to researchers studying the condition, clinical teams treating it, and patients experiencing it. The team hopes it will give them all a common structure to use during studies, treatment decisions and more.
“There are many routes to this disease, and many routes through it,” says Melvin McInnis, M.D., lead author of the new paper and head of the program based at the U-M Depression Center. “We have found that there are many biological mechanisms which drive the disease, and many interactive external influences on it. All of these elements combine to affect the disease as patients experience it.”
The Prechter program, funded by gifts from many donors, is named for a late Detroit automotive pioneer who fought bipolar even as he built a successful business. Long-term funding from this program has made it possible to build a massive library of data from the “Prechter cohort” of patients, which is two-thirds female, and 79 percent white, with an average age at enrollment in the study of 38 years. On average, participants had had their first depressive or manic episode when they were 17, and many had other mental health conditions.
Seven Classes and the Key Findings That Shaped Them
The seven phenoclasses, as the U-M team has dubbed them, include standard measures doctors already use to diagnose and track the progress of bipolar disorder. In addition, they include:
• Changes in cognition, which includes thinking, reasoning, and emotion processing;
• Psychological dimensions such as personality and temperament;
• Measures of behaviors related to substance use or abuse – called motivated behaviors;
• Aspects of the person’s life story involving family and intimate relationships and traumas;
• Patterns of sleep and circadian rhythms; and
• Measures of how patients’ symptoms change over time and respond to treatment.
Some of the Key Findings Made in the Prechter Cohort by the U-M Team Include:
• Migraine headaches are three and a half times more common among people with bipolar disorder than those without. Eating disorders, anxiety disorders and alcohol problems are also more common in those with bipolar, as is metabolic syndrome.
• More people with bipolar disorder have a history of childhood trauma than those without the condition, it is associated with changes in self-control and attention.
• People with bipolar disorder had higher levels of saturated fats in their diets, and the research also found associations between levels of certain fat molecules in the blood of patients and their mood or level of symptoms.
• Looking at the microbes living in the gastrointestinal tracts of patients and comparison volunteers, the researchers found lower levels of a key bacteria type, and less diversity of microbes in patients taking antipsychotic medications.
• Poor sleep appears to play a key role in bipolar disorder, with links found to severity of depression and mania in female, but not male, participants with the condition. Other gender differences also emerged in other aspects of the study.
• People with bipolar disorder who have a strong neurotic tendency in their personalities are more likely to have a severe illness, especially among men.
• A range of cognitive abilities – including memory, executive functioning, and motor skills – were poorer in participants with bipolar than those without, in general. The study found a particular link between the cognitive abilities of people who carried a particular genetic trait and were taking newer antipsychotic medicines.
• Two genes, called CACNA1 and ANK3, appear to play a role in susceptibility to developing bipolar disorder. But many genetic variations have been found to be associated with bipolar risk, and more recent findings have explored the role of having a mix of these variations in the chances a person will develop bipolar.
• Stem cells grown from skin samples taken from participants, and then coaxed to grow into nerve cells called neurons, have proven useful in studying cellular aspects of bipolar disorder. For instance, neurons derived from bipolar patients’ cells were more excitable than comparisons – but calmed down when exposed to lithium, a common treatment for bipolar. Also, the cells show differences in how they interact and function.
• Key features of speech patterns predict mood states and may be useful outcomes measures to predict the need for intervention to prevent episodes of mania or depression.
Even though bipolar disorder tends to run in families, the long-term study has revealed no one gene that ‘carries the day’ to explain it, says McInnis, who is the Woodworth Professor of Bipolar Disorder and Depression in the U-M Medical School’s Department of Psychiatry.
“If there was a gene with a strong effect like what we see in breast cancer, for instance, we would have found it,” he explains. “We hope this new framework will provide a new approach to understand this disorder, and other complex diseases, by developing models that can guide a management strategy for clinicians and patients, and give researchers consistent variables to measure and assess.”
He adds, “Bipolar disorder has a lot to teach humankind about other illnesses because it covers the breadths of human mood, emotion, and behavior like no other condition. What we can learn in bipolar about all these factors will be directly applicable to monitoring other disorders, and personalizing the approach to managing them.”
The Prechter Bipolar Research Program is still recruiting participants for its long-term study, and accepting donations from those who want to help the research move forward. More information is available at http://www.prechterprogram.org.
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Rambling Thoughts About Early Bipolar
Re-reading "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher. I'm about 1/4 of the way through. Seems that her episodes are a lot worse than most people's- but hers started in early childhood- about age 4. I don't remember having any bipolar symptoms before age 16- EXCEPT for hearing voices at night. Might be those hypnogogic hallucinations - I heard my sister calling my name. Or at least, I thought it was my sister. I would go into fits of rage screaming at the top of my lungs toward adults when I was 15 -17. People assumed I was just being a teenager. Maybe I was. I know I had depression symptoms at age 20 I'd run away and hide- I once left work during out lunch break and drove down the street to the mall and just sat there in the middle of the mall eating my lunch among the people who were walking by. I was glad nobody knew where I was. I felt safe that way. I've also hidden under the bathroom sink trying to be all by myself where nobody could find me. I did this as a kid, too. I hid behind a book case in preschool. They found me and tried to coax me out. At age 8, I hid under/behind the winter coats in our classroom in 2nd grade. I felt safe in there. Which of these are bipolar type things and which are merely age-appropriate coping techniques I don't know. I certainly never had DBT back then. Now, I don't feel the need to hide, but it reminds me of my mom's dog that hides in a small closet or the downstairs bathroom -no windows in either. The depressions stayed with me especially during pregnancy and post-partum. I'd go catatonic sometimes. Staring blankly at the wall for ages at a time, staying in my room for hours. By 30 I was singing along with music in my earphones, riding my bike blasting away at the top of my lungs! I don't recall being as intense as Marya Hornbacher as a kid. I've always thought of myself as rather mild-mannered. My friend Caleb says I am afraid of conflict. Probably stems from having grown up in an alcoholic household. I thought everything was great when I was growing up, but it wasn't. Took me years to figure this out. So it's a mish mosh of experiences. I have always been extremely creative, seeing "little worlds" and details in everything- a keen insight into the world. Intense curiosity. I consider my early childhood to be pretty normal. It's when I went through puberty that things started to change- part hormones part bipolar.
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
Physical Update
Two days ago, I went to my doctor for my annual check up. My doctor did a full work up including a blood work. I've lost 20 pounds since last year's appointment. I still need to lose more. I'll have to go to the mall to walk this winter. BUT, my weight is holding nicely since about June. My (vitamin) B12 level is too high. No wonder- the supplement I was taking has ten THOUSAND times the suggested daily amount of B12 in it! My A1C is 5.3 and they like it under 5.5 for a non-diabetic. My kidney function is sub-par. Don't know any more than that. I don't know what you do about that. I have three pills of the many that I'm taking that I need to discontinue: Vitamin E (which was for my liver) but my liver results were good! Amlodipine- I need to stop, too. I looked it up and it's for blood pressure. My blood pressure had been very high, but now it's normal so I guess that's why she discontinued it. I also am to stop Metformin because there is a recall because it can contain N-Nitrosodimethylamine (NDMA) which has been shown to cause cancer! I need to repeat my blood pressure being taken and my labs in three weeks. My liver levels were normal! This all encourages me to continue losing weight.
Friday, November 6, 2020
Talking with the Kids and Amazon Prime Shows
I just ran into one of my milk crate full of records with my pinkie toe. OUCH. It recovered just fine but that initial ouch isn't fun.
I called N1 and N3 tonight. (I think it's a little late to call N2.) N3 was telling me about how he does calculus online. Apparently, you type a series of characters to make a math symbol. And the computer corrects your problems after you submit each one. If you're taking a quiz you can change it X number of times but if its an exam, you can only change it twice and then it locks you out. He was also telling me about his biology class. Lots to memorize he says. N1 told me about computer games that use artificial intelligence. I was telling her about the shows I've been watching. One is called "Upload" about uploading people's beings into an electronic avatar and people are assigned to watched them from earth via computers. The two main characters fall in love- one human and one avatar. I finished watched all of season 1 and there is probably going to be a season 2 but not until 2021. Also, N1 and I discussed going to the doctor because I have my annual appointment on Monday. We were talking about getting vaccines. She relayed a story about when she was young and we were at the doctor for her annual appointment and she decided to be stoic and get the shot and after that I said that we could go out to eat as a treat because of how well she did and that she could pick the place. I love that the kids relay their memories with me. Did not talk with N2 because by the time I was off the phone with the other two, it was nearly 10 and I think that's too late to call someone, unless they're in an earlier time zone.
I did laundry today. There are three washers and three dryers downstairs on the lowest level. I put my laundry in the washer and set an alarm for when it should be done. (The machine has a count down.) When I came back, all three dryers were in use. They have timers, too, so I set my alarm for 20 minutes because one of them had 15 minutes left on it. When I went down again, there were a few people in there just about to leave, so I got to use a dryer. It takes 30 minutes for the washers and 60 minutes for the dryers. I set an alarm on my phone so I get down there again relatively close to when the machines are done. It costs $1.75 per wash/dry. So that's $3.50 per load. I do take my laundry to my mom's sometimes, but that's a long time to be over there.
I am enjoying my new apartment. Its been a couple weeks since I've swept, mopped and vacuumed the floors. I will do that tomorrow. I've been here 5 weeks as of today. I should also go to the grocery store to get a few items. I try to use the twenty-items-max check outs because there isn't usually a line on the left side. The right side always has a line and all the regular lanes have a long line down an aisle that is perpendicular to the line of checkout lanes. The left side, however, doesn't usually have a line and if they do, it goes quickly and is shorter than the right side. I brought my chairs and table in from the balcony because they were fixing them all week. Today was the last day they were going to be here. I'd put the furniture back out there, but I'm waiting for my colorful lights to show up and I want room to stand while putting the strand around the railing. I should clear off the dining room table. Its covered in notes and bills. Luckily, only one hasn't been paid. It's going to go through automatically later in the month, but I could call and pay it early if I wanted to. I took out the trash today, too.
I've been eating a lot lately. Not huge amounts, but frequently. I get hungry about every 2 to 3 hours. And Whole Foods has stopped carrying my dried seaweed that I like. I should start keeping track of what I'm eating, again. I have gained maybe 4 pounds since I moved here. That's a lot of excess calories! The weather was nice today. I should've gone for a walk. Maybe if it's warm again tomorrow I will walk. But, I'm still at about a 40 pound loss. I hope my doctor notices on Monday. I think I need to lose another 40.
I changed my "theme"/background. It's very pink! Let me know if you like it.
Friday, October 30, 2020
Bipolar Update & End of October
I just paid my second month of rent. I paid October- my first month here- 10 days ago, as they weren't in a hurry for me to pay it for some reason; I had just paid the security deposit the day I moved in. Today, I went out and got a money order and took it to the office and dropped it in the drop box. I also checked the mail and I got my check for the bipolar study I've mentioned before! Turns out that it's just about as much as my Visa bill will be! (I got a Visa card- my first credit card in over 10 years.) So, I'll pay it off no problem.
The apartment is nice and cozy. I've been watching AntennaTV- right now they are playing an early Bewitched episode. It's a channel that plays old shows- from the 60's, '70's, 80's. I got a thermometer for the oven because I know it runs hot. Next time I use it, I'll see what the thermometer reads. It's been chilly in the evenings. I had the thermostat set at 65, but I turned it up to 68. That seemed to help. I'm hoping that my bills will be less than they were at the old place- so far so good. I need to find a good middle temperature- I don't like when the heat turns on all the time. Plus, I take 10 minute showers- that's in the shower to dressed. I did laundry yesterday and folded and put it away right away. I'm keeping the place clean, too. I swept and mopped and vacuumed about a week ago. I also washed my CPAP mask and hose yesterday. They are supposed to be fixing all the balconies next week. I have two chairs and a table out there; I guess they're going to have to come inside. I hope they don't leave marks on this new carpet. Good thing is, the people fixing the balconies are doing so from the outside only- they won't have to come inside the apartment! That means no dirty shoes!
Let's see. Bipolar wise, all is good. I hope I can stay stable so I don't forget/get overwhelmed by the bills and the cleaning. So far, so good. In fact, I've been really good since I moved. All the stress of moving itself and preparing to move is gone! Yay! That was one looooong month! Every day, sorting and throwing stuff out and sorting and throwing stuff out and packing what I wanted to keep. Then the actual moving day- that went so smoothly! The moving guys we hired were so efficient and friendly. Eventually, I got everything put away- after about a week. And keeping the place clean keeps me even-keeled too.
Well, my mother is coming to get me at some point today. We are going shopping for yarn- something to crochet a blanket that matches my colorful lamp. I also want those Christmas lights for my balcony!
Tuesday, October 6, 2020
Of Course Not....
Well, I just talked with the lady that runs the office at my old place. She said I'm not getting any of my security deposit back because they have to put up new blinds, plus I stayed two extra days so that's $74 and I owed for an extra water bill (well not extra but the one I was just using). I already paid for one of the water bills. So all of that taken out of the security deposit apparently equals no security deposit back. It was $300. 
The new place's security deposit was $500. The blinds at this place won't break because they are the long, vertical ones not venetian blinds like at the old place. (Well I suppose if I were really rough with them they might...) And this lady from the old office was not pleasant either. Puh. She probably thought she'd never have to hear from me again. She said she mailed out paperwork to these effects But this is the same place that waited months to fix my shower and maybe longer to fix the hole in my ceiling of my bedroom that was leaking rain water onto me in bed! Meanwhile, the new place emailed me to see if I was satisfied with the work they'd done the same day that I turned in my check list of things wrong with the place! 
Sunday, October 4, 2020
The Absolute Truth
Everything we think seems like the absolute truth. Our brains would never lie to us. If I sit here thinking about how I have to pay two months' rent at once next month, then I get anxious that I will spend the money that I need on other things. Sometimes, I sit and my brain tells me that I'm stupid, or worthless, or terrific, the queen of the world, or like this past month when I was applying for and getting things situated for this new apartment. I was sure the people that work for the complex didn't want me and were going to never call me or they'd tell me that I called too much. But then I just "freaked out" and worried and worried! I was SURE things were going to go all wrong! But they didn't. It took patience (ha!) and finally, my move-in day was here and the apartment was inspected right when we needed it to be and there was no lag between the movers packing the truck and when we were driving over to the new apartment complex. All that worry for nothing! And I've been here three days and nobody has bothered me. This feels like the absolute truth. Having a new apartment that I love and that is the absolute truth. How do I know what the absolute truth truly is? It is in that moment when we feel an emotion, or two, that twist our thoughts into something they may not have intended to be. Everything we think is the absolute truth - to us, at that moment in time, and we go moment to moment with thought after thought. When I am psychotic, that is the absolute truth- seeing my face as a monster in the mirror, thinking I am invincible, thinking I am a genius and can write the world's masterpiece, that God is telling me that secrets of the universe, that is my absolute truth. Now. Always in the now. Each now to each now. It is my truth.
Third Day In New Apartment
Today is my third day here at the new apartment! It is also my middle child's (daughter) 21st birthday! She went out to a restaurant/bar last night so that at midnight she could drink. She said they messed up her plan- everyone was saying it was her birthday, so when the bartender got to her, she didn't even card her! She is disappointed that she didn't get asked for her ID. I don't get carded anymore and that's on the rare time that I drink anyway.
I'm in the living room listening to Pergolesi's Stabat Mater sung by Rene Jacobs and Sebastian Hennig. Famous recording. I've had it for maybe 25 years, but this is a new copy because the old one skipped. I'm listening through my tv because it has much better sound than my regular CD player. I've been putting away DVDs and CDs and VHS tapes today. Unboxing and putting them on the shelves. I'm going to have to store some in the boxes because I don't have enough room on the shelves. Then again, there is the table that the TV is on which has lots of drawers... These are the last few boxes I have to empty.
Mentally, I'm doing well. Just a little anxious about setting up the portal to pay rent. But I don't HAVE to do that for several weeks when the rent is due, but I probably should anyway. I found a TV channel that plays old shows like Gimme and Break, Maude, Webster, Facts of Life, Three's Company, Bewitched, and I Dream of Jeanie, to name a few. I'm enjoying it. And this is through the TV antenna so it's free! The reception is good, too. I checked my mail and there was just stuff for the old people here and not anything important, it looked like, so I left it down in the shelf thingie under the mailboxes.
My mom and Kevin came over to bring me two chairs and a table for my balcony. Now I can sit out there and have my coffee. If it ever gets warm again, that is. It IS October! There are what they call "Indian Summer" days that could happen, though! I bought some chocolate chip oatmeal cookie mix yesterday. I'm looking forward to baking and eating those. I think I'll wait until N3 comes over so he can enjoy them, too. Maybe even N1 and her girlfriend. They need to see my new place. They live in the same apartment complex, so they basically know what my apartment looks like, but not what it looks like with my stuff in it!
I have to pay this month's rent and next month's rent together. They just took the security deposit. I will have to sign up for the portal before I can do that, though. As it stands now, I don't even know how much my rent will be! (That information hasn't come in the mail yet.) I hope it will be as much as or less than what it was at the old place.
I went grocery shopping yesterday. Got a medium amount of food, plus laundry soap and Febreze. So now I have food to eat. I got blueberry bagels, cheese and crackers, frozen microwave meals, cream cheese, cookie mix, butter and eggs... Just stuff! I want to make those cookies with N3 but it occurred to me that I don't have a cooling rack for the cookies. I don't know where it went because I used to. Maybe N2 has it?
Listening to Chime Again Beautiful Bells, on a CD all of old recordings of counter tenors, only these men sing in the soprano range (not castrati!). The original scratch is on the recordings. I'm not sure when these were recorded- 1920's and '30's I would guess. This is a copy of the original album so I have no idea of the names of the singers or names of the songs.
I'm kind of bored. I know I have a few things to do still- I think I'll move some of the records over beside one of the shelving units instead of have them under the dresser that the TV is sitting on. And I need to put away the VHS tapes. I don't have many, but I do have some. Especially important is N3's ultrasounds. I haven't seen those in YEARS. I thought I had one of N1, but I don't have it anymore if I did. I also have a movie on VHS called "Almost Angels". It's a fictional story about the Vienna Boys Choir.
Friday, October 2, 2020
I'm all moved in!
Here it is 5:45 p.m. and I am all moved in! The movers got to the old place at 1130 or so and were strong and quick! My mom gave them a nice tip for each. Almost everything is put away except my cds and dvds and books but I can do that easily. Your prayers must've been heard because just when the movers were almost done packing the moving truck, my phone rang to tell me that the apartment passed inspection! My aunt came over and lined all my shelves and cupboards ! N3 and gf came over and ate with us and all I need now are a couple of end tables for beside my bed. My new lights are set up and work. I don't know where caleb is smoking- he just disappears periodically. I think I saw him in his rental car earlier? My tree has a lovely East door wall to bask in. My tv is set up in the living room now instead of the bedroom. That's going to take a lot to get used to. Maybe I need a noise machine? My friend Christine is coming over to visit in about an hour to see the place. I hope I can remember the way to get here! I know how to get to my street but not where the building is exactly. Oh! My internet was on when they hooked up the tv! I guess calling Comcast did work!
It's 6:25 now and I'm sitting on my new couch relaxing with Caleb waiting for Christine to show up. She showed up! Yay#
Thursday, October 1, 2020
Moving-Day Eve
So today is Moving-Day Eve. We have the odds and ends to finish packing today. My mom is coming over very soon to get started. Meanwhile, Caleb is driving here- a three-hour trip in a rental car. Depending on how finished we are, Caleb and I are going to go eat at a restaurant that we always go to when he visits- Mmmm steak. I'd say we're going to have to be completely finished before we go eat. Good news: we got new movers for tomorrow! My friend Christine suggested them- said they were a good deal and worked hard- and wouldn't you know it, they were free tomorrow! THAT was a miracle. I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee here at ten-something a.m.
Now it's 12:15 and my mom and I got a lot of the odds and ends packed up. I have a list of things I need to do before she comes back. Waiting on Caleb- he should be driving here by now. We will get up early tomorrow and finish up- do a little more later today, too. It really looks like I'm moving- everything boxed up! I need to take a shower, so more later...
Tuesday, September 29, 2020
Moving Troubles! Good Vibes Needed!
I am having troubles with the move- again! Good vibes are needed. 
I called and talked with the new complex who said its Friday that I'm being inspected. (I was hoping for today, Tuesday, or Wednesday so that I could move in on Thursday.) Can move that day but we wont know what time just yet. I emailed the section 8 worker but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I called my current landlord who said I have to pay an extra day but that I have to put my keys in the drop box by Monday at 8 a.m. I'm working on getting the keys from the kids so I can't hand them back. So this COULD all work out if my mom and her husband and the movers are free- and the lady who wants the piano. The big problem is the movers. If they can't do it Friday we will have to move everything ourselves. I don't know what time I'll be moving- depends on when the inspection is. The movers don't have any open spots on Friday! It's going to cost $300 plus $100/hr! My section 8 worker says she has to have confirmation from the inspector of the unit passing before she can give me the ok to move in. I hope the inspector emails her asap on Friday! This is all my fault for not getting the paperwork to the new complex in time. I think we can get the stuff moved on our own, if the movers don't get an opening for Friday. It would just be much easier and nicer if we could have movers, of course. Mentally, I am just ready to be moved already! I cannot stand all these changes, even though I think I am dealing with them well. We moved me into here without movers, so why not move me out/in without them? Obviously, movers would help tremendously - It's going to take a miracle for them to be free on Friday. Good news is that my aunt is free Friday and so is Caleb. My friend Cassandra has three able-bodied boys that can help, but they are in online school until 3:00. Speaking of kids, I hope my three kids can help, too. They are able-bodied and young! N2 might be working, but we will see about the other two. Depending on when the inspection is, we may be moving in the evening. We shall see. At least we know when the inspection is, now.
Saturday, September 26, 2020
Pre-Moving Day
I am sitting listening to NPR waiting for my new couch to be delivered- of course, the old couch has to go first. My eldest child is getting the old couch for her apartment. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it's now 8:40 a.m. Today is my youngest's 19th birthday! He is coming to help get the new couch and bring it to my place. We will have to move the couch again on Thursday when I move but I hope it is relatively easy- especially moving the old one into my eldest's place.
Was reading a couple more articles about bipolar and migraines- apparently they are really linked. I've posted about this before, but thought I'd reiterate that they are related to each other. Luckily, I haven't had a migraine in several months. Sumatriptan works if you catch the migraine early. If you let the migraine get really bad, it's not going to help. Rizatriptan works much better, but my insurance won't pay for it any more. You can find many articles on this just by doing a google search.
This morning is very nice. I'm up, having had a couple cups of coffee. I should eat something, but all my dishes are packed, basically! I hope my moving day is as lovely. I can't wait until we are done moving things in this Thursday - boxes everywhere, but the couch will be there and I hope it works out for hooking up the TV/internet on one side of the living room and the couch on the other. I think Caleb and I will get some stuff put away the day he is here- actually the next day. I don't know when he will want to go home- it depends on how long he wants to rent the car for, I guess. I wish he would stay Thursday and Friday at least.
I am thinking that Monday will be my day to sign the lease. Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest. I will feel so much better after that. I don't even know how much my portion of the rent is yet. And I assume they haven't done the inspection yet, but if not I hope they do it soon and it passes! The new complex said the apartment was ready two weeks ago, but they couldn't do the inspection until they got back a packet that the new place needed to fill out and send back. I also need the link to the portal where I can pay the rent. I'll have to pay for one day at the old place since I'll be here on the first still. I have the internet still running through Thursday here. Therefore, I can pay the one day of rent and the water bill here. I hope they can move my internet to the new place. They said they couldn't find the address in their database.
So its hurry up and wait. My section 8 worker asked the new complex- a higher up person than I had been talking with- to reduce my rent by $30 a month. They said YES! I was worried that would be another snaffu. Only 5 days left!
Editing to add: My mom and her husband just left my place- the "old" place. The person came to pick up the washing machine! Tomorrow, someone is coming to get the piano and I don't know what to say about the organ. But I need all 3 of these gone before Thursday. My eldest has my old couch now and really likes it! The new couch is wonderful! I just fit laying down on it and it's very comfy to sit on. Oh- the lady who came to get the washing machine said I don't look old enough to be an "empty nester"! Yay! I must look like I'm in my 30's or something because I didn't get carded last time I got a beer at Red Robin. ha!
Monday, September 21, 2020
"Touched With Fire" - The Movie
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2848324/ There are trailers here to watch for free from this movie.
Last night, I watched "Touched with Fire" on Amazon. It's a movie about two bipolar people- Carla, played by Katie Holmes and Marco, played by Luke Kirby- who meet in a psychiatric ward and make each other manic- several times. I found it to be a little triggering, but nothing too bad. The way it portrayed mania is quite accurate, though I don't have a partner in crime when I am manic! There is a book of the same name by Kay Redfield Jamison. She is famous for her books on bipolar. In the movie, the couple meets Ms. Jamison and discuss her book and lithium and bipolar in general. She can see that they are not medicated and tries to "hint" about how taking lithium improved her life. (I think this really was Ms. Jamison in the movie.) The main characters get pregnant and paint an elaborate interpretation of "Starry Night" by the Dutch painter, Van Gogh on all the walls in the nursery before she is even showing. Not to spoil too much, but she decides to take her prescribed medications and he still refuses. The way their thinking is elaborated in the film is very realistic and a little bit triggering for me- including the parts where they fall into depression. That said, they were supposed to be extremely manic and I have been manic but not to the extent as these two characters were- especially him. The ending is a believable ending and all in all it was a good movie. Just don't think that all bipolar people are like these characters all of the time. Maybe not ANY of the time!
They're Doing the Paperwork!
I called the new apartment complex to see if they would send me the link to the online portal again. They said they would and that people are working on my paperwork! Yay. I hope they can get it done soon! I've just been slowly moving things around. I've got my youngest's room cleared out- two big bags of books to give away this weekend at my mom's.
I'm doing well on my diet (not so well with exercise!). I have lost about 10 pounds since I started a little over a month ago.
I have some VHS tapes and books and CDs to give away. That will probably be this weekend.
Let's hope that everything goes as planned! (Or better.)
Saturday, September 19, 2020
I Messed Up! - Race Against Time!
Well I made a BIG mistake and it may mess up my housing! I couldn't figure out why the landlord packet wasn't at the new landlord's place! They said they never received it. I asked the section 8 lady who said she sent the paperwork to ME on 9/2! Damn. I sent the paperwork straight over to the new landlord as soon as I got the case manager's email - thank god we can just email stuff instead of having to snail mail it!- and now it's a race against the clock for them to get it done and get the inspection done all before the first! I WISH I had not let that "little detail" slip my mind! I had THREE WEEKS to send it and I forgot.
Friday, September 18, 2020
Left Hand, Meet Right Hand...
So the left hand is now talking to the right hand- I hope! I talked with my section 8 lady who said the next step is for the apartment complex to fill out some packet of paperwork and send it back, but when I spoke with the apartment complex they said they didn't have it! And here I am in the middle doing what's NOT my job! I gave the new complex the section 8 lady's name and they are going to see if they can get a fax of what they need. Its like they've never done section 8 before or something! And everybody was waiting for everybody else to move! And the clock keeps ticking- after this paperwork gets done, then they need to run the inspection of the apartment and hope it passes the first round because there really isn't much time left for a second round. Plus, I must move on the first because they already paid my current place for the whole month of September and can't pay the new place more. Gosh I hope my section 8 lady is in the office today!
Thursday, September 17, 2020
New Housing!
I *am* losing my housing, but only because I signed paperwork saying that's what I wanted!
I filled out paperwork giving my old apartment complex thirty days notice that I was moving out. On August 28th, I applied online to a new apartment complex. Mind you, I had been looking all over for a one-bedroom place that takes section 8 vouchers. Couldn't find any! So, I applied at this new place and was accepted! Then, they had to send me paperwork to sign and tell me what my rent would be and my security deposit, etc. Then I had to WAIT. Wait for them to do their magic behind the scenes. It got me very nervous. I started to think that they weren't going to contact me again- that they didn't want me to live there. Very paranoid and very anxious! BUT, they just contacted me today to ask if I could move in now instead of a bit less than 2 weeks from now. I can't, of course; for one thing, the housing commission has to inspect the new place to make sure its up to code and their standards. For another thing, I had to recertify for section 8 this month which happens every year, but it just happened to come along when I am trying to move, so I am waiting on that to go through. The section 8 person said she wants to get the paperwork done before I move, so I hope she is quick with it. I got the paperwork done in record time this year, just because of this- so she could get it all processed in time for my move. So this is all a big weight off my shoulders that the new place called me today. The woman at the new rental office said she would get in contact with the housing commission and work out the details, so I hope that goes smoothly. I kind of wish I were ready to move in now, but I just am still mid-packing and of course the voucher, etc. that I mentioned above.
My pdoc just called for a phone appointment. She says it's nice that I'm stable right now and she called the owners of my complex the winner of the board game Monopoly. They so seem that way- they own so many properties around here. I wouldn't be surprised if they were the biggest housing complex owners in the area. We mainly talked about moving and packing and me not living with my kids anymore.
In other news, when I move, I will need a new couch. I was looking at Ikea but their stuff is just slightly too expensive. Besides, I'm waiting to spend any money until I get the security deposit, and rent paid.
Brain-wise, I'm feeling okay. Except for that anxiety the past two weeks thinking something bad was going to happen. Thinking that the new complex would never contact me again. But they DID and they wanted me to move in EARLY! That was so nice of them to ask, but nope, no can do. I feel like I am done packing and have a ton more to do all at the same time. I am putting things in boxes and rearranging the boxes that have more stuff in them. (The stuff fits- the box is just really heavy.)
So that's it. Nothing going on except the relief today of anxiety over the last two weeks. And packing every day. The closets are empty and the dresser drawers are empty, the cupboards in the kitchen aren't empty but the stuff in them is organized so we are getting there.
Maybe the next time I post, I will be all moved in and can post an update! It will be such a relief. My friend is coming to help me move and we are going to hang out for a bit too. I haven't seen him in a year and a half- almost exactly! Oh- and my mother hired movers to get the stuff up the stairs from the truck, so that is wonderful because when we moved my eldest child less than a month ago, it was very hard getting things up and around corners. And my eldest and her girlfriend are in the same complex I am and also on the 3rd floor. So yay for movers! I look forward to unpacking everything and putting it in its spots/finding spots for everything. So now I am looking forward!
Monday, July 27, 2020
Losing My Housing (?)
Monday, July 20, 2020
Not Really a Bipolar Post - Empty Nest
I am also missing being married. Why couldn't I stay the course? That was 17 years ago that I got divorced. Everybody's more than moved on but I am lonely. No significant other to speak of. It would be wonderful to have someone to help get through the days of normal life. I have friends but it isn't the same.
This isn't really a bipolar post... But it is how I've been feeling. I am not having bipolar symptoms which is good. In fact, I've been really good lately! I feel good.
I watched more of those videos tonight. One was my sister's senior vocal recital when she was 22. She was so good!! I cried watching! And I've never had that reaction to music before. I definitely didn't when I saw the recital live back then. I am also mourning the loss of my singing voice. Watching my sister sing so well made me think I could never sing like that back then and I still can't. My emotions are all over the place. There were more clips of my kids when they were little and me 5 months pregnant with N3. (Boy was I fat! Im probably fatter now!) I'm so sad and lonely. I've never lived alone and its only been two weeks!
Sunday, July 5, 2020
I Have Bipolar Disorder But it Won't Have Me!
Friday, May 1, 2020
Brain Damage from Bipolar Disorder
Excerpt:
There is always the possibility that the meds are responsible. One long-term study found lithium users (one-third who had a university degree) to be in the low average range on functions of attention and memory. Nevertheless, the authors believe that while medication may cause some degree of cognitive slowing, our pills are not the main culprit.
Bearden
et al's review of what could be wrong with the brain reads like a
neurologist's laundry list from hell: ventricular enlargements, cortical
atrophy, cerebellar vermal atrophy, white matter hypertensities
(especially in the frontal cortex and basal ganglia structures), greater
left temporal lobe volume, increased amygdala volume, enlarged right
hippocampal volume, hypoplasmia of the medial temporal lobe, and more.
Then there's the matter of those chemical imbalances, such as glucose
metabolism and phospholipid metabolism.Say all that in rap time and you have the sound of our brains breaking down, no longer capable of processing information the way it is supposed to. It is possible that these studies did not adequately account for the normal aging process, as Dr Bearden was ready to acknowledge to this writer, but she also added that it is "likely that there is an interaction between the disease process and normal aging processes, such that people affected with bipolar illness are somehow more vulnerable to the effects of aging."
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Covid-19
I'm sitting at home since the lock down yesterday. But then again, I was doing the same thing before: posting on line, looking things up on line about menopause, listening to music, reading books. That's pretty much my day, except when I have to take my youngest son, N3, to work and back. Apparently, McDonald's is "essential" too!
This morning, I woke up all sweaty, as if I'd just exercised in my pajamas! Even my palms were sweaty! I remedied this but am wondering if its menopause trying to sneak in. I turn 48 on Saturday. Please, no! I am dreading menopause. I hope it will pass without much fuss.
Not only that but I have to pay all my bills on line or over the phone this month since we are supposed to be practicing "social distancing"- can't be any closer than six feet to another person.
I'm watching a video on how to shop with the corona virus and then clean off your groceries. This is what we've come to in the last few weeks.
I need a nap!
Saturday, March 7, 2020
From Madness to a Gorilla and a Bird
I liked "Gorilla and the Bird" by Zach McDermott very much for its detailed description of a manic episode run amok. He describes his psych. hospital experiences with so much detail- including his penchant for streaking naked through cornfields and down hospital hallways- that you are on the edge of your seat, not able to wait for what comes next!
"Electroboy" by Andy Behrman but such a ride! I kept waiting for "the real story" to begin as if he were just talking about his past and would start describing his hospital visits like Marya Hornbacher does in "Madness". She, too, is hard to put down. Her descriptions of her hospital stays and the workings of her brain read with ease. Restrained and loaded with Haldol, she drifts in and out of consciousness, tied down to beds and screaming. With both, I couldn't turn the pages fast enough to get to the next one. Behrman's book is one wild ride after another, as we follow him through his unmedicated manias, spending sprees, sexual indiscretion and breaking the law. And Hornbacher's description of self harm at the beginning of her book is visceral. Behrman's book, too, starts with a bang of a manic episode, but we don't know that's what it is, at first; we are just following this very odd, possibly-drug-induced tangle of thoughts along with descriptions of what he is feeling. Its a roller-coaster ride, for sure. I read it in two days, thirsting for more.
"Haldol and Hyacinths" by Melody Moezzi follows a woman of Persian decent through her journey with ease. She toggles back and forth between what its like to live in the Midwest and the Middle East. Like, Hornbacher and Terri Cheney, she does not have to worry about money.
"Manic" by Terri Cheney is a fun ride through the mind of a bipolar woman. She touches on aspects of the disease that not everyone understands at first. Her balancing of her law career and her raging manias works nicely to outline just how wild her manias and suicidal dark depressions can be.
"The dark side of innocence" by Terri Cheney follows Cheney through her bipolar childhood. Seen through the eyes of a child, it is at once scary and endearing.
If you have to pick one of these books to start with (check Amazon), Try "Gorilla and the Bird" and "Madness". One is by a man and the other a woman. Bipolar shows no preference for one or the other, but I find it interesting to see which aspects of the disease stand out for each of them and which parts each author choses accentuate. Of course, you should read ALL of these books!
Sunday, January 26, 2020
Wondering...
Mania and the Eyes- take 2
Yet more research that shows that mania can be seen in the eyes!
I wrote an earlier post on the same subject but here is another study that shows the same conclusion. http://bipolarhallucidations.blogspot.com/2018/08/the-eyes-have-it.html?m=1
Bipolar & the Eyes: What Does the Research Reveal?
bp Magazine columnist and blogger Julie A. Fast discovered the connection between changes in her eyes and mania, then brought this finding to the attention of the bipolar community. What if our eyes hold the secret to diagnosis and effective treatment—or reveal an impending manic or depressive episode, allowing for early intervention? While there is anecdotal evidence that the color and shape of our eyes offer clues, related scientific studies are underway.
Eye Movement
Measuring Eye-Blink Rate
Mapping Mania in the Eyes
Retinal Photography
Predicting the Risk
Sources:
Journal: Biological Psychiatry
Southern Methodist University Data Science Review
Sunnybrook Hospital
Journal: Frontiers in Psychology
Journal: Clinical Psychological Science