ps

Its been a while September. They did straighten out my meds in the hospital but I also tried a few other new ones. All of them had horrible side effects like being hyper aware of my breathing and some weird movement disorder that drove me batty. I tried at least 3 new antipsychotics intil my psych nurse put me back on Zyprexa. I also am on a med because my hands shake. So now I'm settled back on Zyprexa and that's where I'll have to stay. At first when I went back on it made me drowsy but I'm used to it now. The hospital stay was mainly to iron out my meds. I was completely off Zyprexa at that time and taking that other drug that made me feel like me insides were churning. Being aware of my breathing was the worst though. Even writing about it now is hard to do because I fear that "it will come back". I couldn't not pay attention to each breath and we do breathe a lot! I am glad that is behind me now.

Am I Only My Bipolar Symptoms?

Here I am sitting in Starbucks by the fire. Its been a while since I've written. My therapist has been gone for about six weeks and I've been relatively ok. We had a couple weeks off group last month but its going well now. However i have intrusive thoughts about overdosing on benedryl. Its almost a comforting, soothing thought. Then I go do fun things with my kids like buy a new King's Singers CD and all seems right with the world again: how could I have ever thought such a terrible thing? I haven't told anybody about it except my friend S. He's training to be a social worker so I don't want to stress out the friendship side of things while my story may be interesting clinically. We are old friends and he is one of the only people I can trust with any of my thoughts. Sometimes if feels -in the midst of an episode- that that's all I am: bipolar symptoms. Its not true of course. Just the other day I went to the art mseum with my 13-year-old and had a great time watching an existential film. I was going to say something to the leader of the group on Wednesday about my self-destructive thoughts but he left the room so quickly. It also occirred to me that maybe I've missed a few doses of my antipsychotic Zyprexa since I get it out of the bottle each night instead of the pill box for some odd reason. Well I think I will send this and try to write again soon.