Christmas Shopping, Working Out, Hallucinating, & Coffee

It's been a few days. Things have been ticking along as usual.

My appetite has been up and down. It's been down quite a bit because of the Topomax- I feel like I only get hungry three times a day instead of every 3 hours-, but it's also been up a bit because I've been working out every other day. I've had more energy on the whole, though the first few times working out I was more tired. I'm getting used to the working out physically and mentally and its like they say: the hardest part is going. So because of working out, my appetite is up a bit, but I can tell the difference between that type of "more hungry" and what Zyprexa had been doing.

I've spent the last two days doing Christmas shopping. That's been fun. There are two things that are in the mail still, but other than that, I think I'm pretty much done. This year will be a good year in terms of "things gotten" for the kids. Nathan came and helped me do a bit of the shopping- eh, he really was a help with what exactly to get, so if he knows what it is early, that's okay. There's one for each of them, too.

Last night, I was too lazy to post, but I had some hallucinations again. They sounded low and whispery. Like a radio was on in the background. Like maybe a car radio was turned almost all the way down- you know, instead of off- and you can't make out what's being said, but you can tell its voices with the buzzing, and the rise and the fall of the pitch- the sudden loud part, then instantly quiet for a bit. They seemed both male and female, on and off, here and there, as if they maybe were having a conversation, or an interview; maybe a meeting of old friends where old times were being rehashed and suddenly something untoward was remembered and the quiet voices start up....

A few days ago I realized something else: I have relationship with coffee that's more than what I thought. For whatever the reason, I had been having coffee more hit-and-miss. Then I decided that I just should stop drinking it- for financial reasons. So began the headache that lasted for days. A nagging, always-there, annoyance that went from the base of my skull, around the front to my forehead, over the top to the tip of my head and just sat. For three days I tried Tylenol and water. No help. I thought I was dehydrated. I can't take any other pain meds because of my blood thinner. I finally called my doctor's office and talked to a nurse. She suggested it might be a coffee-withdrawal headache and to try coffee. If I tried it and it wasn't the coffee but indeed dehydration, I'd be no worse off, really. I tried it. Was gone within half an hour. Woah. Guess I'm stuck on this stuff! My dad said that at that point, I was almost done with the withdrawal from caffeine but maybe if I finally do want to stop drinking coffee, I'll do it gradually. Meanwhile, I had a mocha with half the chocolate and no whip this morning. YUM.

Saw Psych Dr/Nurse practitioner today

So I saw my psych dr/psych nurse today. She thinks I should stay on the Topomax for various reasons, including that the benefits seem to outweigh the Zyprexa alone, especially the weight side of things. Yay! That is much better than the Saphris, or Zyprexa alone.

She says the intrusive thoughts are a bipolar trait, rather than OCD or borderline personality disorder, and its good that the Topomax is helping with them; this is another major plus.

She also says that she talked with my therapist and they agreed that I do not have borderline personality disorder. Whew! Glad they both agree. She said the drs in the hospital had only known me a week- whereas my psych dr/nurse has known me at least 5 years- and you have to know someone years to be able to accurately diagnose BPD.

The Song that is Me

So I'm a little ahead of schedule for all those who will be starting a new-year resolution to get a gym membership.

I actually have had a membership to the YMCA for many years. I played judo there. Unfortunately, I can't go to judo anymore because I'm on life-long therapy with the blood thinner Coumadin. Judo is a lot of throwing people and landing on people and wrestling. The potential to get hit in the face accidentally, landed on wrong, and thus internal bleeding, is very high.

So I figured it would be cheaper to get a membership at a place that just has treadmills and stationary bikes and circuit weight machines. I went today. Already I feel deliciously tired. That post-workout feeling when you've had your shower and are re-dressed and sleepy. They say its is good for bipolar because it helps with your mood as exercise elevates mood in a good way.

I also figure that if Topomax will eventually help curb my appetite, lifting weights and doing some cardio. can only help. Its also something to do and to keep me on a schedule of sorts. Schedules are "big" for bipolar people, whether they be jobs, working out, or appointments. A schedule to keep is a good thing.

I'm looking forward to the new recreation center. Don't get me wrong. I will miss judo. I already do. But its beyond my control. I can't go.

I'm looking forward to seeing how I feel over the next 2 or 3 months once I've been working out regularly and my new med has been on board with the older ones- all of these things working in harmony to make a happier song that is me.

Here We Go Again - Voices

The tv is off. In fact it's quiet in here but the voices are back. Sounds like talk radio is on low. Kind of entertaining.

At first, though, it scared me because I could really almost make out what they were saying. These are much more real than the others! I felt this out-of-body feeling you do when you're really scared- a swelling, expanding feeling of fear melting into disassociation.

After a few minutes, I realized that the voices will pass and its just all part of "it".

I think it's the fish tank this time. It's the only thing that's making noise except my CPAP and that's just whirring.

Feeling Me. Meds Update & Psych Med. History

Things are going along about as they have been. The brain shortages are about the same. Sometimes, I forget what I was about to do, where I'm going... I drop words left and right and it takes some gear churning to turn up minor ideas like, "Dannon Yogurt". I'm always checking where my purse is. (There's a good reason for this.) Sometimes though they seem to disappear completely, and for a 15 minutes, half an hour, an hour, I seem to be pure me: Me without hundreds of thoughts telling me I should do this, or oh my god this is going to happen or my friends most certainly will never talk to me again after that and then again maybe I should just drop the friendship once and for all... Oh my god!! WHERE'S MY PURSE!?!? *freak out* .... (With all those thoughts going on, obviously, asking "Where's my purse?" calmly half an hour before the stress and trauma, fall to the wayside.)

Now, I don't know that I was always this way, but I will freely admit now and later in this post that the reduction is such that it was a lot, and it was nearly all the time.

As I was saying, for those few moments without the thinking, the worrying, its me and the world- just pure existence. Where I once had every single sound in the restaurant sounding individually but at the same time, I now have each sight, each sound, but they are pretty, sweet entities, maybe even dull, and I can take one, then the other, drop them, and never think of them again. Ever.

As a matter of fact, my youngest son was supposed to meet a friend after school for a play date and ride home with him and his grandmother yesterday. The friend never came to school because he was sick, but the grandmother didn't tell us this until Noah was already wandering around for at least 15 minutes trying to find his friend after school. I couldn't find Noah, but he usually walks home; this made him late home (after finally figuring he wasn't going to visit with his friend). Still, I was concerned. But, considering that I had no idea where my youngest child was on my internal gps, I was relatively calm. Yes, I still went and looked for him, and worried, but it wasn't disabling. Is the thought of never seeing my son again scary? Yes! A million times, "YES!" But, I didn't even think that far. I allowed some time for him to find his way home. And he did.

I'm enjoying the calm, as I put it. I previously wrote of Dolby Noise Reduction. I talked about Zyprexa doing this to my brain in terms of sedation. Topomax doesn't sedate my body. It just shuts off the noise. The noise that is intrusive. In the hospital, they commented on my having intrusive thoughts and I think that could be a lot of it. I also have classic bipolar 1, of course, but I'm now seeing that with these thoughts removed, the void is soothing. Moreover, as I've said, I didn't realize how much my brain did this until they just weren't there. I have read that Topomax helps with both bipolar 1 and intrusive thoughts. As I said previously, I am enjoying the Topomax for these reasons. It also seems to be augmenting my mood stabilizers in that my mood is very evened-out now. I don't know if its just the Topomax, or if its the Zyprexa, Lithium and Topomax working together, but as I said before, I had no idea that that is what normal feels like. (If indeed I am there. I realize I'm still early into a new drug.) As far as side other side effects go, I've noticed some nausea and diarrhea. Both are minor.

In other medical news, I've been getting my blood drawn quite a bit lately. My blood thinner (Coumadin, for blood clots in my lungs a few months ago) was not given properly in the psych hospital thus I had to get the blood level drawn again. My Coumadin dose, which was stable finally, has been adjusted a few extra times because if this. My Thyroid medication was also given incorrectly- they missed doses so that, being that I have low thyroid from Lithium, I got extremely tired- and I had to go for a blood draw today to see what my levels are of TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone). The psych. meds I'm on right now are Lithium ER, Zyprexa, and Topomax. As a side note, I've previously been on many others, including Risperdal, Geodon, Depakote, Saphris, and Seroquel. I had side effects to all, with Depakote being "only" weight gain. (I switched to Lithium and have been very happy with it.) The others were things that my doctor felt I should be taken off the medication even so- with the history of Saphris outlined here and here.

Sometimes, I don't worry about things, don't have anxiety, am not manic, am not depressed and I don't forget what I was just doing or supposed to do. These are the times I'm beginning to cherish.

The rabbit is at the top of the hole but has found a pharmacy to get her Skittles. Yum. She will continue to take them, purple, red, orange, green and yellow. She is happy. And wondering what tomorrow brings.

My Brain Has Been Ironed Out

Its been at least a week that I've been on the Topomax. My brain is feeling more even. I haven't noticed many side effects, and yet I have noticed many. What I mean is, my oh my but what I've noticed is what isn't there! I used to walk around with an almost-constant sense of anxiety. It was so usual for me that I didn't really perceive it as something that shouldn't be there. Thoughts of things that were "after me" like bills that needed paying that I might not be able to pay, or people that were angry at me, or my car that I wasn't able to fix, or relationships that were going in circles - or just not very well at that. But now, I am able to brush them off my shoulder. To set them aside. I don't feel worried. In fact, the whole sense of doom and dread is gone! The feeling is amazing! I say its a feeling, when in fact, it is just a lack of a lot of negative feelings.

As for my brain in general, yes, it is feeling more even. I would say, better-tuned. Neither neutral, up nor down, but evened out like a wrinkled shirt that's been ironed: it still works, but it just is nicer to wear. (Okay, so the heat idea on my brain doesn't work, but you know, go with me here...)

I do still have word-finding problems, which is a classic side effect of this drug. It doesn't bother me too much, since I have had this problem before starting Tompomax, but it still is annoying to be checking out after seeing your therapist and they ask what her name is and you don't know! You KNOW, but you don't know. That's the thing: This memory issue is an issue of recall, not of actual loss of the knowledge. It will come to me- in a few minutes. I do this three, five, ten times a day. As you can tell, some times, I'm very good with words. I have the word deluges, like when I write in this blog. And other times, I just write like I'd talk to anybody and its all good. (And, in here, I get to wait until things come to me and edit! Though, I will say that I don't do very much editing at all.) Not everything has to win a Nobel Prize in Literature.

It remains to be seen whether or not I get fewer migraines, which is another thing the drug is used for, but so far so good. If it works, I will be very happy, because I don't have any meds that I can take to abort one, without going to the E.R.

All-in-all, I am feeling much much better. Compared to when I got out of the hospital a week ago, I am much more myself. In fact, I don't think I could've seen myself at all this way when I was admitted. When I read the entries from when I was first in the hospital, I barely recognize myself. I know they were me, and I'm glad that I wrote them. So so glad. But oh how a little time, hard work, and some chemical brain ironing can change things more than we could even imagine.