Stuttttttering Thththoughts

Not only do I blank out on words lately- just can't think of a word, or a name, or a place, or an idea- but I stutter. It may be a side effect of the upped Zyprexa dose. My brain is a big void while my tongue and lips stutter; its as if I can't find the word and when I do, it comes out in collective pieces of scraps, falling on the floor in a flow of discarded chaff.

Its very a... n n noying. Its as if I have aged 50 years. (If I'm lucky to make it another 50!) Eventually, people understand what I might mean and we move on. On the other hand, I can find myself with a disposal of seemingly hundreds of synonyms- five- and ten-dollar words as easy as falling into a grand pool, cascading into swirling goodness.

It doesn't matter what words I forget, as I invariably pick others, usually in the form of an ebullient slide of many smaller words that are never as descriptive as that original word would've been.

What's more, both of these states can occur within hours or even moments of each other. I gain or lose IQ points within one phrase, even stopping in the middle and having no clue what I had just been talking about- not even a reference point.

You might say that this is because I am getting older. I'll take credit for some of that, but I cannot discount the effect that racing thoughts of hypo/mania has on keeping track of what you're thinking. Moreover, the drugs used to slow your thoughts down- the chemical Dolby Noise Reduction known as anti-psychotics- really do their job well. They now don't zip by in the least- and hey, who cares anyway, right? I remember seeing my ex-husband's cousin when we were all in our mid-20's. He came downstairs very tired-looking, sat in a chair, stared into space for fifteen minutes or so and returned back upstairs. I never gave it much thought until I was put on Zyprexa. Turns out, he is Schizophrenic, and was very drugged after attempting suicide. (Among other things, that outside the realm of my blog.) I never dreamed that that might one day be me.

Luckily, the effect of the drugs even out after a while. The zombified feeling gradually ebbs. (I wish it wouldn't have its affinity for putting on weight. It interacts with your body in such a way that it stores fat more than you normally would.)

What's more, your thoughts can just hang in mid-air; just sitting there, they and you staring off into space and completely disappear. No clawing back to get them to return. No amount of your friend saying, "You were talking about..." will help. Its just gone.

And sometimes, as I said, you can seem like an absolute genius with a torrent of words pouring out of you.

Which one is the real you? Both. Sometimes all thoughts that would come flowing out just get stuck at your lips. Stut-ter, stttutter.... And sometimes they just go. And sometimes five minutes later, you utter a phrase which your friend thinks is absolutely brilliant!