Jobs & Auditions: Getting Fired and Bipolar

I was just watching the Stephen Fry documentary on Bipolar, The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, and at the very end, they interviewed a woman in her 20's who they said just never is going to get very far in life. I feel that is me. People tend to think that whatever job you have, that is YOU. That's your self-worth. If you don't do enough good or you don't make a lot of money, you may as well be a waste of a person.

People with bipolar often cannot hold down jobs. Obviously, being manic or depressed makes it difficult to perform a job. I can't tell you the number of jobs I've lost "for no reason". One, just recently, I worked my first day. I was on time. I worked HARD. And, still, I got told, "sorry it didn't work out" and had to pester this person for six weeks to get a paycheck for minimum wage. What did I do? In the job before that, I was working at a factory for three weeks or a month. Again, I was on time every day, and on my last time was sick. I thought it was the heat. It could've been my bipolar. I know for a fact that I was hallucinating- hearing voices- a few days before this, but I "soldiered on". I told my boss I wasn't feeling well. They wouldn't let me drive home. I had a friend come and get me. Still, they fired me. When I was 20 years younger, I left a job at lunch after the boss wanted to fire me "for no reason"; I just walked off during lunch and never came back. (Before diagnosis.) Still again, I had a job a few years before the one I hallucinated at where the boss tried telling me, "You're not fired but you can't come back". I ran into a former fellow-employee a year ago or so, and she said this boss tried the same thing with another girl who took her to court and won! Wish I'd thought of that.

All of that to say that I have trouble keeping jobs. I don't know what people see in me- if its the bipolar, or if I'm just a weakling that's easy pickin's. I just know that I find it hard to get and keep a job. Its really difficult on me. I feel bad about myself because of it. That's when people remind me that I'm good at photography and I should make a job out of that. Yes, I should. But I haven't. This isn't to say I haven't had jobs in my life. Its just that lately this is getting worse. I start out well, and, like the last one-day job, I think I did a great job, and I get told, "Sorry it didn't work out. Thanks for your trial day!" TRIAL!? I had a "TRIAL?!" Wow. I thought I actually did some honest WORK!

This wasn't a job, but I auditioned for music school back about 10 months ago now. I got a rejection letter. I was crushed because I've never been rejected musically. Ever. It sucks because they may have decided they didn't want me based on my age, or they didn't like my interview answer, or they hated my outfit. Any number of things that had nothing to do with my talent. I thought I gave a great audition- singing, theory and piano! But I tried to contact them about what I could do better next time and I was shut out. ZERO communication where there had previous be some.

So is it my bipolar that is turning people off? Am I too "up"? Am I too happy? Too self-assured? Too "ready-to-go"? That's the only thing I can think I had in common between the jobs and the audition. I was ready to go and asking what I could do next., That's what you'd think people would want. But I really don't know. I seem to go in ready to work and do a great job and still I get let go. It also seems as if the other employees don't like me personally and tell the boss and then I'm let go. Like its a personality contest. That's happened twice now. Both at the "sorry-it-didn't-work-out" job and at another one at a pet shop that lasted a day, also. Whatever it is, I think it must have to do something with bipolar. My friends like to tell me that "It's them not you" which is comforting, but one day I am going to have to be able to get a job and not have these weird things happen!