Bipolar & Creativity

I was thinking about writing this entry and looked up "bipolar creativity". It seems that many bipolar people have written about this subject. One person suggested that we see things differently than other people which lends itself to writing differently than others. I'd have to agree. I have always seen things differently than others. As a pre-teen, I told myself that I'd never forget how it is to be a kid! And, in some respects, I haven't. I still see tiny worlds inside other bigger worlds; this is one reason I love photography: I see the outer ring, the middle ring and the inner ring of a photograph and capture each photo to emphasize the ring that speaks to me the most. I love capturing emotions of people through pictures- capturing "them". Its easier to do with your own children or others you know well, but there is a pattern that develops over time, too.

These patterns of every-day life follow me around. I can stare at a certain color purple, for example, because its just that much deeper, or more royal, or it takes me back to a memory which seems pre-verbal; I am transfixed!

This phenomenon is not limited to sights, but extends to sounds. I've been posting a lot lately about hallucinations because I've been having them more. I am very sensitive to nuances of sound, and this may be part of the hallucinations. Even when hearing "tangible" sounds, my brain sorts them into pitches, phrases, repeated tones or sounds. Some days, its pretty harmonious. On the other hand, I can get the opposite effect: sounds are not filtered or categorized; each individual noise is played at once- people talking to each other; footsteps on the ground; clanking of forks against plates... In fact, the din of a restaurant can be so overwhelming that I have to leave. I can hear each voice, each word, every breath almost, and everybody is at their maximum volume. I cannot sort. I cannot distinguish. I am absolutely flooded with a cacophony of crassness against my person. I am being mauled. I am scared. I am anxious. I must run but I can hardly move. I can hardly breathe. You might think that this is agoraphobia, but it is not; I have no problem with the space I'm in of itself.

It is with these tools, though, that I am at an advantage. I can see the photograph in my head before it occurs. I know what he or she is about to do next. When I look back, I can see that I've always been this way. I was writing poetry when I was 12; taking photographs- albeit simple ones on a 110 camera- at age 10.

Sometimes, when I am in a manic state, -See posts from September here for more detail- the world almost melts - the colors are more vivid, the textures more defined, the coolness or warmth of an object magnified. I am in my own world. A new world. One filled with eternity.

At one point, I thought to myself, "I know the thread that binds my life together!" Of course, looking back, it was a bit manic, I admit. But there is still some truth to it. I have always been me. The way I see the world has not changed. I am just learning to mold my creative thoughts through practice of the years. The me that is here today is the me that has always been. Creative. And though I was not diagnosed as bipolar, I know that some of that was there long before.

So again I ask: Is it me or is it the bipolar? Are we the same, or am I separate from my diagnosis? I would have to say there is a duality. I am me. I am always me. Bipolar is part of me. I am part of the bipolar. But I am not exclusively one or the other. Some bipolar people are adamant that they "HAVE" bipolar and others say they "ARE" bipolar. When it comes to creativity, I AM bipolar. I cannot disconnect the two. Here are a few famous people were supposed to have bipolar: Abraham Lincoln; Agatha Christie; Buzz Aldrin; Carrie Fisher; Jim Carey; Marilyn Monroe; Ozzy Osbourne; Plato; Robin Williams; Vincent Van Gogh; Winston Churchill; Drew Carey; Edgar Poe; Virginia Wolf; Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.... And many more.

Tying these ends together gives me a bigger picture of what makes me, me. People have always loved my piano playing, my singing, my writing, and my photography. And I love them because they are intertwined into me at the core: The creative me; the bipolar me.