Crying. So Mixed Up.

Went to movies with My youngest. Feel anxiety.  Feel restless.  I need to take my Ativan.  When I feel this way, I feel the need to get out of here.  I can't stand being in my body.  I feel very uncomfortable.  I need to hurry through whatever I'm doing.  I can't get my food eaten - it comes to a standstill because I can't possibly go that quickly.  I should take my Ativan but I'm at a restaurant and that means I need to drive.  I am already bouncing a lot.  It's a feeling like I need to run outside of myself.  I would've thought this feeling would be gone by now.  I still need to do an errand after this.  Kids have the day off hence why I'm going to the movies. Need to scream but when I take the Ativan I feel very slow and like I want to sleep for hours.  What a choice!!!  I start to take a drink of my diet Pepsi and I need to be done when I just started.  I have no patience!  It almost feels like mania but without the need to talk.  I'm just very uncomfortable.  My legs are shaking again.  What a choice!  I have to drive after this and getting a DUI would be very bad.  

I got home and my mother's idiot husband began giving me his holier-than-thou-fuck-you face.  I had visions of last time I went to the psych ER over something similar. He was yelling at my daughter that her room needs cleaned right this minute (because family is coming over tomorrow  for Thanksgiving).  The attitude, the indignant face.  The fact that he annoys me to no end!  Last time I was in the ER was because I fell into a puddle of sobbing.  I am not doing that now but I am having those feelings of wanting to kill.  The situation at least but I can't stand when people treat my children horribly and then dismiss me.  I hate it.  Plain and simple, I hate it. I am already not feeling well.  Thoughts are going downhill.  I managed to take my youngest out to eat after a movie but as you read above my sense of reality is askew.  Oh dear.  Is Ativan my cure-all?  Why couldn't the Saphris have worked?  I can clean my room as that seems to be-all around here.  Not that it's really that dirty.  One of my best friends seems to have shut his phone off all day.  I want to cry and scream.  I'm scared.  The back-up beeping of the truck a few doors down is stabbing bloody holes in my ear.

I called the psych ER and they talked with me.  I cried as I talked.  That's the first time in months that ive even remotely felt sad. I cant stand this. The ER woman Said to call my psych dr.  So now we're waiting for that.  Could be 2 or 3 hours.

I feel like I do t know what is coming next.  I'm crying.  I was crying on the phone to my psych dr.  She said I need to get through this feeling with Ativan.  Twice a day.  That and getting away from my mom's husband are the only ways to cope.  She said to go to the hospital of I have feelings of needing to kill people.  Right now I can't stand being in my own body.  I cried to my pdoc on the phone and I'm crying now. It's been so long since I've cried.  And I feel like my only choice is to take Ativan and hope I feel better.  That taking Ativan is my only choice and that means I can't do anything or go anywhere unless I'm with a friend who drives me.  I feel like I don't know what is coming next- I don't know my own mind.  And it will take a week for the Saphris to get out of my system.  My friend who usually is around isn't today.  I'm talking to him. Crying.  he's in another town.  Another friend is picking me up.   Yay!  I think it's time for Ativan.  Tired of crying. Hopefully no more to add but we'll see.  I could really use a hug.

The nurse at the ER and my pdoc both said that I should get out of the house.  So I go to walk out the door and get the evil eye from my mother as she stomps up the stairs.  I yelled up after her that my doctor ordered me to get out by myself.  I don't think it helped very much but damn it I need to take care of myself! Having visions of bloody wrists. Mine!  The bookstore has been good.  Mocha coffee with very little chocolate.  Side of ice water.

I rode the escalator up to the second level of Barnes and Noble.  I searched for books on bipolar.  The same usual suspects: Cheney and Jameson.  I walked to the balcony between the down and up escalators.  I looked over.  I heard a man's voice say, "Don't do that; that's dangerous.". Behind him was his 2-year-old son.  I left the area to look for the afford-mentioned books only to return to the circular glass-and-metal balcony again.  Looking down, I was mesmerized by the people who could not see me.  I saw my leg reaching up and over the glass wall, then, of me falling down down....  I remembered the bloody wrists and hands. Completely covered in blood from elbows to mid-fingers. The thought comforted me. I saw myself climbing over the balcony; it was as if I could not stop myself. I drew my leg up... My mind was now not mine.  And yet on Ativan my brain is askew.  Caught between insanity at home and the supposed need for the psych ER.  Ativan is keeping me together- at least I hope.  A friend online who is also bipolar suggested that I'm in a mixed episode.  I won't discount anything.  The lighting of the store is wintry and crisp.  The book shelves are all taking on a surreal form.  The world I am in which is a dream.  This is called derealization and I know it's not good but I am here nevertheless.  The only thing that can save me is Ativan.  Drug me so I can't move.  Well guess what? I can still move!  My thoughts are still here.  I just feel less anxious.

This internal feeling is unbearable! Tried to cut. Nothing sharp enough. I just want this feeling gone! The cutting can deliver me from this horridness! I want to take pills. Anything! I did the ice- held it in my hands. My hands hurt. Distraction. I still can't stand this feeling! Nobody at the per gets it. My pdoc thinks I need to just get through it with Ativan. I took the Ativan!!