Doctors & Apples Day 4

Today is a busier day. Its Monday after a holiday weekend. The regular doctors are back. They pulled me out of coloring my rug in my individual tasks group (i.e. art class) called to talk to me. They asked me to write down what I think is my main problem right now. I wrote "intrusive thoughts". He thought that was good. He said he doesn't think I'm hallucinating. He checked off lots of things on the form and asked me when I think I should leave. He asked me about my coping skills. I said I wasn't sure that if I went home right now that I could apply the coping skills that we've been working on- that I wouldn't slide back into where I was when I got here. This is my fear, anyway.

Someone got taken down for ECT- electro convulsive therapy. When he got back, I asked him how he was feeling. He seemed a little shaky and not that good, but all-in-all he seemed like he would get better over time. I told him I hoped he felt better soon.

I was woken up at 5:30 by someone taking my pulse oxymeter to check how much oxygen is in my blood, as I have asthma and had the pulmonary embolism a few months ago. As soon as she left, someone else came in and took blood to see how thin it is- the INR. I did manage to sleep another hour or so.

An Occupational Therapist had us play Apples to Apples in Leisure Skills class today. That was fun. That was the same game I played last night with Mom and Nathan, Nataleigh and Noah last night. You laugh and laugh and bond with everybody in the game. Its so nice. And that's the point- to take yourself out of the blah parts of your life. Wish I knew better how to do that and only that. My mom and her husband just won't seem to LET me do that. They constandly demand that I be upset! They complain and won't STOP complaining. Its no wonder I want to run out of my skin and out of my life! *sigh* I can see myself going back there if that all starts up again. I really can. This place is a little utopia. That place is often hell. I wonder if I really ever can get that worked out. I wish I had some music to listen to. I've been musicless for at least four days now. At least Mom and the kids seems to be being nice to me but I just don't know how long it will last.

Today, I feel like I'm in no-man's land. I'm not sick enough to really be that out-of-it, but I'm not well enough to go home. I can think pretty clearly, but yet I'm still going to these classes. I sound better than when I got here, my friends tell me. This is good. But I am still so afraid of being out in the real world. Yet, I want to see my friends so much. I have a visit planned with a few of them and I picture what that will be like. I know I need to be here and I know I need to do what I need to do, but the idea of a calm visit with laughing and some fun meeting-of-the-minds just makes me happy.