Psychiatric ER

(This is a very graphic post. Just FYI.)

Many of us have been to the regular emergency room, but fewer have been to the Psych ER (PER), otherwise known as Psychiatric Emergency Services (PES).

Of the handful of times that I've gone, most have been talking to me and LOTS of waiting! (LOTS!) I've seen people in there with security waiting in the wings. I've seen people locked into rooms with those double, vertical rectangular windows. I've seen people refuse to cooperate in the least with the staff. And that's all while I was waiting!

Mostly what they do is see if you're a danger to yourself (self harm or suicide) or to others. They do a triage like in normal ER- they take vitals and then ask you why you're there, and then they have a laundry list of questions that they ask EVERYone. If you are there because you plan on harming yourself, they give you a special ID band that beeps if you try to leave. They pat you down and do a wand test to see if you have any weapons. You give up anything that beeps AND your purse or coat and it gets locked up. Then you wait.

Eventually, you see the nurse and then the doctor, resident, and/or student. They ask you why you're there again and let you describe how you're feeling. They're looking for clues that will tell them whether or not you need to be admitted.

Only once did they think I aught to be admitted. I have hesitated to write this post because its very personal. Its hard to admit to myself, and thinking of friends reading this gets me nervous. There is still so much stigma about mental illness- and especially bipolar. Even a friend today said that he thinks bipolar is a bunk diagnosis because "everybody gets happy and sad". I kept my mouth shut, for fear he'd think less of me suddenly. The time I was going to be admitted started at LEAST earlier that same day. I was feeling very stressed. Very out-of-it. I had taken my youngest son out to Toys R Us and felt derealization taking hold. The colors were different and the hallways seemed bigger. In short, I felt like I was in a dream. I realized (ha!) that I was having derealization while still at the toy store, but figured I could ignore it. We went out for ice cream. We got home and my mother said something to me and I snapped. I screamed at her, swearing, couldn't control myself. Another family member jumped up and charged at me. I fell on the floor sobbing. (So not like me.) I was gasping and sobbing and curled up in a ball on the floor screaming that I was going to kill myself. My mother suggested I go to the hospital.

I called a good friend of mine to drive me to the hospital. He has done this every time I've been to PER/PES. He sits with me the whole time I'm there- which can be over 24 hours on busy nights- and chats and jokes with me. That night, we went in. I was triaged and talked with people. Apparently, they saw something in my answers that made them want to admit me. I said, "What's that mean- I go and sleep there and talk with people and take meds?" They confirmed this. I told them I didn't want to go. I didn't. I just was thinking that I didn't have my CPAP machine with me (helps my sleep apnea), and really, I just wasn't thinking clearly! I saw it as a question of "Would you like to?" And who would like to stay in the psych hospital? Nobody! So I said, no I wouldn't. They never MADE me stay. What they did do is call my friend in and asked him if he thought I was okay to go home and he said yes. But he wasn't there when the above happened.

So for now, I can't tell you what its like in the psych ward. In fact, another time I went in a week later, they said that getting a spot is very difficult. You'd think its like people that go to the ER get admitted and go upstairs, but in reality people from all over the state are flown in or ambulanced in and you might end up in another hospital in another city. In fact, its extremely likely that you will.

So for now, let's hope I can't update this with what its like to be in the ward, or to have my ankles and wrists in leather straps on a hospital bed, or any other number of things that happen in the psych. ward.

Its very important to go to the psych. ER if you are having suicidal thoughts or even ideation. What I know is that being in that state where you scream that you want to die is not the usual you. You are as scared and confused as the people around you. You may not truly wish to die. Its a terribly brain state and is pervasive and extremely difficult to self-remedy. In fact, I would say that the psych emergency room is the best place to go. Safety first. And friends and family are IMMEASURABLY helpful when you can't tell up from down or left from right.