"I'm depressed." Everyone seems to say this, when they really should say, "I'm disappointed," or "I'm upset," or "I'm sad".
I don't get depression as often as I get hypo/mania. When it hits, I'm surprised. I suppose I shouldn't be: I was diagnosed with unipolar depression (a.k.a. "depression") that Zoloft and Paxil are advertised for) around 1997. At any rate, I was surprised this last time a few months ago. It seems like sadness, but I felt a pervasive anxiety and tiredness and my thoughts were all sad- I could only think sad things and probably even things that weren't necessarily that sad in reality seemed sad to me.
Sometimes I have felt sad on top of my thoughts being "normal". This is very strange. Crying and yet walking around thinking "Oh that DVD looks nice!" This particular episode only lasted an afternoon until I called my psychiatrist.
A similar episode happened when I just couldn't stop crying and had no idea why. My youngest son came into the room asking what was wrong and I really didn't know! Nevermind that I didn't know what to tell him, either. How do you tell your 8-year-old that you're crying like someone just died but there really is no reason?
Back about 10 years ago, I would have episodes of depression so bad that I was catatonic. I would lay in bed and stare straight out and not move- for hours. I suppose that was my way of "checking out". I'd sleep until 3 p.m., too, which was also a way of checking out; I'd prefer to be in the world of my dreams.
I also had postpartum depression all three times. I had antenatal (during pregnancy) depression, too, so this kind of melded together. My depression while pregnant was "situational"- there was a reason behind it, basically, and mine was high-risk pregnancies. I had problems with the pregnancies and had to be put on bedrest. Sitting around all day alone with "nothing to do" (because I'd already finished the internet!) is very depressing, especially when the world is just outside your window. The postpartum depression just seemed to start up pretty soon after the birth, though not right away. This is when I would cry, and some of it was due to having little to no sleep after my first child (15 minutes out of every 2 hours around the clock!) and some of it was just plain hormones. As I've already described, I had "horror movie hallucinations" after the last one was born. Somewhere after my middle child was born, I wasn't having depression at the time, but I hallucinated orange rectangles in the sky. I was sitting in the bathroom and looked out the window and clearly saw orange rectangles. I called my husband who said he saw nothing. The weird thing was that they were there when I looked outside and not when I looked inside. But I'm digressing into hallucinations, but I think these are related to post-partum depression- or at least they seemed to be at the time.
This last time I had depression (which I say isn't as often for me), I felt tired and slow and thinking increasingly negative and almost suicidal thoughts. (Save that for another post.) It went on for at least 3 weeks before I told my psych. dr. who prescribed Celexa. Antidepressants can have a paradoxical effect on bipolar people and "ramp them up". I'd been on it less than a week. I started bouncing and talking quickly and generally getting faster and faster until one day I was out with a friend and he said I really aught to call my doctor. We were sitting at a table at a restaurant and my legs were bouncy and my hands were figgity. I had a straw in one hand and was flicking it as fast as I could against the table, each end tapping in turns. My fingers were flicking against the table, too. I called my friend who thought I was very funny, but also said I should call my doctor. Even talking with him in the breezeway of the doors, I couldn't stop pacing, talking very quickly, or bouncing. I just HAD to move, or I'd feel uncomfortable. I COULD stop, yes, but not for very long and only when I put my mind to it. This is hypomania and one of the worst times I've been this "bouncy".
The other- more famous, I guess- part of bipolar depression is suicidal ideation. For me, this seems to be more situational. That is, some event will trigger intense emotions that I can't find a way out of and I'll feel I want to kill myself. (Separate post on this.) The ideation just means that you are thinking a lot about wanting to kill yourself, but you haven't tried it or made concrete plans to do it.
In my next post, I will post about suicidal thoughts, actions, and going to the psych. ER.
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