I was walking and felt that floating-along feeling. I'm at a cafe. I'm paranoid. I'm talkative. I'm happy. My thoughts are jagged. This peanut-butter-chocolate cookie bar thing I just bought tastes SOOOOOOOO good! The flavors are nuanced and the peanut butter part is OMG so tasty! Oh WOW is it good! I just ate another piece. I'm happy. Time seems to have stopped. Its just the cafe and my friend and me. Yeah I'm taking my meds. Every night. The double dose and all. The dark outside is shimmering. The lights so bright and cool. The reflections happy and smiling. What it needs is a fireplace but alas there is none. In fact, I'm typing on my friend's laptop because my ipod touch is too darned slow! If I type too quickly for it, all the letters "hang" and then the browser crashes and I lose everything. Grr.
I just said, "That's not a crack monster; that's a glory hole!" to my friend. Then laughed. And I'll laugh again here: Hahahahahahaha!
Let's see. If I tell my dr. I'm manic again, she'll up my meds. Maybe sleep will help. No hallucinations yet. Night time is their favorite time, though. Right now its 9 p.m.
I still feel in another world. Its awesome! The night, the dark, the light and the suspension of reality. I'd LOVE to stay here! LOVE IT!
So what's to do is see if I sleep tonight. I bet I will, but I may need Ativan. I tried Benedryl the other night but I got really itchy and then woke up at 5 a.m.
However, my car is fixed and I'm so happy about that. There were two big holes in the exhaust and the car was very loud. Now that that is fixed and I fixed the brakes, my car is like a luxury sedan. So SMOOOOOTH.
What I need now is snow. Yeah, that's it. Big fat flakes falling down. But they aren't there! What's their problem?! I need to stand under them and eat them and see my breath. That won't happen for a few more months.
I still think my friend was denying that she said she'd meet me just to be mean to me. Only thing to do is just ignore her. Its still an issue of someone purposefully changed the rules on me just to fuck with my mind. Not nice. See why I say that there are really only a few people out there who truely love me no matter what?
I still have my sense of past and future. Was reading about that today. Without your sense of past, you have no sense of the future. Its like we're constantly referring to what we've done so that we can make the right choice as we move through life. I don't mean the big choices. I mean, how do I go to the kitchen to eat because I'm hungry and last time that happened... If you lose your short-term memory, you have to keep constant notes in a little notebook. Otherwise, you can't even walk to the bathroom to pee. This post, if anything, shows how the brain is pretty darned fragile. I know that! I feel like I know what the green wall tastes like. No not lime. Just green! What does green taste like? Well what does it look like? Not like blue or yellow, and yet... The old "try explaining it to a blind person" idea. That's what we are: I'm the bipolar person and you're the blind person. I hope this translates into something. I met someone once who was not creative at all. My daughter found a potato chip that was shaped exactly like... something. But she turned around to this stranger and said, "Look at this! It looks just like..." and he said, "Sorry, but I'm not the least bit creative." And he meant it. So much that goes on in our brains. So much....
"Do you believe in what you see? What is real?" This is a song that is playing over the speakers here at the coffee shop.
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