I Put On a Fake Grin

I'm not feeling good. I mean, I went to my family gathering today and mostly went through the motions and when they said I looked great because I'd lost weight I put on a fake grin, but mostly I was inside when everyone else was on the screened-in porch- on my phone trying to text anybody and everybody about sex. I've spent too much money lately- I've got $30 to my name- not to mention that that tree was way too expensive no matter how cool it is. I've been doing this a lot. Then I turn around, buy handcuffs, he says no and its all I can do to not sob before I leave. I'm courteous with my family, saying only good things going on in my life like judo while inside I know that this is far from the truth. My nurse practitioner ALMOST caught this last Thursday when I saw her- the depressed yet hypo/manic states but she let it go. I'm left wondering if I should call her on Monday or if I should see if my new med arrangement will iron some of this out. Meanwhile, I'm afraid I will scare away each and every one of my friends one by one.