Do I Matter?

I'm feeling ramped up and anxious. I don't know why really. I'm sitting in Starbucks with my friend. I've been out to the library earlier and have those DVDs to look forward too but jut the talk her about the purpose of life gee I have none except my kids and maybe my photography. I get depressed thinking of how I haven't made much of my life and there is no retirement and I can't keep a job longer than a few months before I get mysteriously fired. I see pdoc tomorrow . I think Zyprexa is helping day to day, but overall I still feel blah. Do I even matter?

Once I thought I knew what the thread the binds my life together was... turned out to be a manic delusion but it felt good at the time. lol

I guess I am still day-to-day now. I have flashes of feeling good and okay, but the negative depressed side of this is still there. And the irritability is too. I see my pdoc and I'm holding onto that- tomorrow afternoon.

The other day, I was thinking about how my life has and is going nowhere except in circles and I got very sad about it. Its been the same circle. That is, except my kids and my photography. I need to do more photography. Haven't gone out in a while. And more photography of my kids.

Times like these I start seeing things in slow motion. Fragments of life. Small pieces next to each other. Moment by moment and yes second by second I can't only make it. Sometimes not even knowing what I am experiencing as each feeling is a jumble or flat and unrecognizable as such.