My Brain Has Been Ironed Out

Its been at least a week that I've been on the Topomax. My brain is feeling more even. I haven't noticed many side effects, and yet I have noticed many. What I mean is, my oh my but what I've noticed is what isn't there! I used to walk around with an almost-constant sense of anxiety. It was so usual for me that I didn't really perceive it as something that shouldn't be there. Thoughts of things that were "after me" like bills that needed paying that I might not be able to pay, or people that were angry at me, or my car that I wasn't able to fix, or relationships that were going in circles - or just not very well at that. But now, I am able to brush them off my shoulder. To set them aside. I don't feel worried. In fact, the whole sense of doom and dread is gone! The feeling is amazing! I say its a feeling, when in fact, it is just a lack of a lot of negative feelings.

As for my brain in general, yes, it is feeling more even. I would say, better-tuned. Neither neutral, up nor down, but evened out like a wrinkled shirt that's been ironed: it still works, but it just is nicer to wear. (Okay, so the heat idea on my brain doesn't work, but you know, go with me here...)

I do still have word-finding problems, which is a classic side effect of this drug. It doesn't bother me too much, since I have had this problem before starting Tompomax, but it still is annoying to be checking out after seeing your therapist and they ask what her name is and you don't know! You KNOW, but you don't know. That's the thing: This memory issue is an issue of recall, not of actual loss of the knowledge. It will come to me- in a few minutes. I do this three, five, ten times a day. As you can tell, some times, I'm very good with words. I have the word deluges, like when I write in this blog. And other times, I just write like I'd talk to anybody and its all good. (And, in here, I get to wait until things come to me and edit! Though, I will say that I don't do very much editing at all.) Not everything has to win a Nobel Prize in Literature.

It remains to be seen whether or not I get fewer migraines, which is another thing the drug is used for, but so far so good. If it works, I will be very happy, because I don't have any meds that I can take to abort one, without going to the E.R.

All-in-all, I am feeling much much better. Compared to when I got out of the hospital a week ago, I am much more myself. In fact, I don't think I could've seen myself at all this way when I was admitted. When I read the entries from when I was first in the hospital, I barely recognize myself. I know they were me, and I'm glad that I wrote them. So so glad. But oh how a little time, hard work, and some chemical brain ironing can change things more than we could even imagine.