They aren’t me

 I am not thinking things but the words come from elsewhere.  They are planted in my brain.  By what or whom I don’t know.  They say it’s my brain going haywire.  Maybe it’s stress.  But all I know is that I was not in control last night!  The voices were as random as could be.  Derogatory, mean, hateful, swearing, evil, sadistic psychotic voices and that is not me!  Nothing could be further from who I am.

Voices out of control

 These hallucinations are out of control!  The voices are commanding, insistent and mean!  I tell them to shut up yet they just mock me.  They are almost constant.  They want me to hurt myself and others!  I do not want to do that, needless to say!  At least Scott and Caleb have talked with me this evening and been loving and non-judgemental.  I have been listening to music to distract myself.  I feel like they are my fault but someone pointed out that my brain’s been through the wringer lately so no wonder it’s gone haywire.  

File: GAF Rating

5/02/2016 File marked with "Current GAF: 30".

From WebMD: The Global Assessment of Functioning Scale rating of 30 (-21) reads:

Behavior is considerably influenced by delusions or hallucinations OR serious impairment in communication or judgment (e.g. sometimes incoherent, acts grossly inappropriately, suicidal preoccupation) OR inability to function in almost all areas (e.g., stays in bed all day, no job, home, or friends).

People in Trees

I've been seeing people. Hallucinations. They generally show up and then disappear. I'll see a person in a tree, or a mixer at work, or any other random place and then they will disappear. Its been happening a lot lately. There are not audio hallucinations to accompany them, only visual. I used to see animals a lot, but these are people. Its a vision of someone that is there and then they are not. Its enough to make me startle and take note. I've had many of them over the last week. Maybe I've not had a lot of sleep. I'm not sure. I will update if they change or intensify.

voices - been a long time

I heard the tv voices again. I was watching Mary Tyler Moore this time not MASH. They were speaking into my left ear. I don't know what they were saying. I don't see my new pdoc for two months. But Isee my new therapist in a month. This will hardly be worth mentioning then I guess. They were buzzing and whispering and seemed to be a group of voices. There really isn't anything more to say about them. They didn't scare me.

Here We Go Again - Voices

The tv is off. In fact it's quiet in here but the voices are back. Sounds like talk radio is on low. Kind of entertaining.

At first, though, it scared me because I could really almost make out what they were saying. These are much more real than the others! I felt this out-of-body feeling you do when you're really scared- a swelling, expanding feeling of fear melting into disassociation.

After a few minutes, I realized that the voices will pass and its just all part of "it".

I think it's the fish tank this time. It's the only thing that's making noise except my CPAP and that's just whirring.