Feeling nostalgic and old. Watching videos of when my kids were very little- as in under 3 and one bit where I was pregnant with N3. To me I should live 2001 all over again. There were videos of me breastfeeding N2 and when N1 was 4 months old. I think I'm having a midlife crisis what with N3 having just moved out. It was just like yesterday that I saw that + hpt staring back at me with two bold pink lines. Im gonna try to go to bed earlier as I didnt get to sleep till after 3 last night. I am also missing being married. Why couldn't I stay the course? That was 17 years ago that I got divorced. Everybody's more than moved on but I am lonely. No significant other to speak of. It would be wonderful to have someone to help get through the days of normal life. I have friends but it isn't the same. This isn't really a bipolar post... But it is how I've been feeling. I am not having bipolar symptoms which is good. In fact, I've been really good lately! I feel good. I watched more of those videos tonight. One was my sister's senior vocal recital when she was 22. She was so good!! I cried watching! And I've never had that reaction to music before. I definitely didn't when I saw the recital live back then. I am also mourning the loss of my singing voice. Watching my sister sing so well made me think I could never sing like that back then and I still can't. My emotions are all over the place. There were more clips of my kids when they were little and me 5 months pregnant with N3. (Boy was I fat! Im probably fatter now!) I'm so sad and lonely. I've never lived alone and its only been two weeks!
I don't feel good, I just feel normal. I went off Seroquel (150 mg) slowly about 5 weeks ago. I want to say I feel good because I do- but really I just feel normal. Only thing Ive noticed is that I smile and tear up more easily but I think that's the normal me rather than the blunted me. I know we all want to be "the real me" but what does that mean? Is my normal real me the person I was before I was diagnosed or before I was put on psych meds? It is NOT the manic me or the depressed me- that is the ABNORMAL me! I'm talking about who I am at my core. Who am I? My body is screaming for me to get back to baseline as well- I have high blood pressure, prediabetes, high cholesterol, I'm overweight (formerly obese!) My liver is fat and I have cirrhosis of the liver which is not reversible- all from Zyprexa and Seroquel. And this isn't even my entire list of medical "complaints"! Who is the normal me? I have bipolar disorder but it won't have me! Finally, its time to be proactive, not reactive!
EDITED to note: It's now 9/26/20 and I went back on 50 of Seroquel because I was having issues sleeping. And actually, this past week, I've gone back to 150 because I get better sleep. My body is still screaming at me, but I'm trying to lose weight to hopefully remedy all these medical issues.
There is always the possibility that the meds are responsible. One long-term study found lithium
users (one-third who had a university degree) to be in the low average
range on functions of attention and memory. Nevertheless, the authors
believe that while medication may cause some degree of cognitive
slowing, our pills are not the main culprit. Bearden
et al's review of what could be wrong with the brain reads like a
neurologist's laundry list from hell: ventricular enlargements, cortical
atrophy, cerebellar vermal atrophy, white matter hypertensities
(especially in the frontal cortex and basal ganglia structures), greater
left temporal lobe volume, increased amygdala volume, enlarged right
hippocampal volume, hypoplasmia of the medial temporal lobe, and more.
Then there's the matter of those chemical imbalances, such as glucose
metabolism and phospholipid metabolism.
Say all that in rap time
and you have the sound of our brains breaking down, no longer capable of
processing information the way it is supposed to. It is possible that
these studies did not adequately account for the normal aging process,
as Dr Bearden was ready to acknowledge to this writer, but she also
added that it is "likely that there is an interaction between the
disease process and normal aging processes, such that people affected
with bipolar illness are somehow more vulnerable to the effects of
aging."
So... I hardly need to tell anyone about this corona virus that's taken over the planet- literally! We are on lock down so we can't go to restaurants to sit- just take-out- or anything that's not deemed "essential". Those are things like Grocery stores/Food banks; Pharmacies; Medical supply stores; Gas stations/convenience stores; Liquor stores [really??]; Hardware stores; Laundromats; Banks; Auto service and Pet stores.
I'm sitting at home since the lock down yesterday. But then again, I was doing the same thing before: posting on line, looking things up on line about menopause, listening to music, reading books. That's pretty much my day, except when I have to take my youngest son, N3, to work and back. Apparently, McDonald's is "essential" too!
This morning, I woke up all sweaty, as if I'd just exercised in my pajamas! Even my palms were sweaty! I remedied this but am wondering if its menopause trying to sneak in. I turn 48 on Saturday. Please, no! I am dreading menopause. I hope it will pass without much fuss.
Not only that but I have to pay all my bills on line or over the phone this month since we are supposed to be practicing "social distancing"- can't be any closer than six feet to another person.
I'm watching a video on how to shop with the corona virus and then clean off your groceries. This is what we've come to in the last few weeks.
I am re-reading "A Quiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. Here is an earlier post I wrote about the first time I read this book. I'm about half way through it now. For some reason, it doesn't attract me like it did the first time. It seems hard to read somehow. I have six memoirs about bipolar, three by women and two by men. The way the men write is incredible. How they describe their bipolar experiences is mind-blowing. But such is unmedicated bipolar disorder.
I liked "Gorilla and the Bird" by Zach McDermott very much for its detailed description of a manic episode run amok. He describes his psych. hospital experiences with so much detail- including his penchant for streaking naked through cornfields and down hospital hallways- that you are on the edge of your seat, not able to wait for what comes next!
"Electroboy" by Andy Behrman but such a ride! I kept waiting for "the real story" to begin as if he were just talking about his past and would start describing his hospital visits like Marya Hornbacher does in "Madness". She, too, is hard to put down. Her descriptions of her hospital stays and the workings of her brain read with ease. Restrained and loaded with Haldol, she drifts in and out of consciousness, tied down to beds and screaming. With both, I couldn't turn the pages fast enough to get to the next one. Behrman's book is one wild ride after another, as we follow him through his unmedicated manias, spending sprees, sexual indiscretion and breaking the law. And Hornbacher's description of self harm at the beginning of her book is visceral. Behrman's book, too, starts with a bang of a manic episode, but we don't know that's what it is, at first; we are just following this very odd, possibly-drug-induced tangle of thoughts along with descriptions of what he is feeling. Its a roller-coaster ride, for sure. I read it in two days, thirsting for more.
"Haldol and Hyacinths" by Melody Moezzi follows a woman of Persian decent through her journey with ease. She toggles back and forth between what its like to live in the Midwest and the Middle East. Like, Hornbacher and Terri Cheney, she does not have to worry about money.
"Manic" by Terri Cheney is a fun ride through the mind of a bipolar woman. She touches on aspects of the disease that not everyone understands at first. Her balancing of her law career and her raging manias works nicely to outline just how wild her manias and suicidal dark depressions can be.
"The dark side of innocence" by Terri Cheney follows Cheney through her bipolar childhood. Seen through the eyes of a child, it is at once scary and endearing.
If you have to pick one of these books to start with (check Amazon), Try "Gorilla and the Bird" and "Madness". One is by a man and the other a woman. Bipolar shows no preference for one or the other, but I find it interesting to see which aspects of the disease stand out for each of them and which parts each author choses accentuate. Of course, you should read ALL of these books!
I keep wondering what wouldve happened had I been hospitalized last May when I was manic. Would I have gotten a shot of Haldol or Thorazine to knock me out? Have you ever had that happen? I was locked in a small room at the psych emergency services. Thick metal door with a thick square window. I dont remember much about that except that they did bring me breakfast - always at psych ER in the middle of the night- Frosted Flakes in one of those tiny individual-serving boxes. But no Haldol or Thorazine. Pdoc said she wouldve sent me to the hospital if the seroquel hadn't worked last May for the mania. I miss the mania in a way.
Yet more research that shows that mania can be seen in the eyes!
I wrote an earlier post on the same subject but here is another study that shows the same conclusion. http://bipolarhallucidations.blogspot.com/2018/08/the-eyes-have-it.html?m=1
Bipolar & the Eyes: What Does the Research Reveal?
bp Magazine columnist and blogger Julie A. Fast discovered the connection between changes in her eyes and mania, then brought this finding to the attention of the bipolar community. What if our eyes hold the secret to diagnosis and effective treatment—or reveal an impending manic or depressive episode, allowing for early intervention? While there is anecdotal evidence that the color and shape of our eyes offer clues, related scientific studies are underway.
Eye Movement
Analysis of eye movements (EM) by eye tracking has been carried out for several decades to investigate mood regulation. More recently, researchers at the University of Franche-Comté, Besançon, France, used sophisticated eye-tracking technologies in order to differentiate bipolar depression from unipolar depression. While more research is necessary, this analysis could be a promising behavioral tool for diagnosis as well as for the assessment of medications’ effects.
Measuring Eye-Blink Rate
Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers, can be measured by our spontaneous eye-blink rate—how rapidly or slowly we blink. To expand their research, scientists have looked to adults with bipolar as a study group, since evidence suggests a central role for dopamine dysfunction in people with bipolar. Some studies found that people exhibit higher blink rates when anticipating a reward. Researchers are also studying ways in which measuring eye-blink rate could potentially be relevant for predicting the course of mania.
Mapping Mania in the Eyes
Sometimes, it can be tricky to identify whether or not a person is in a state of mania. In an effort to uncover methods of mania detection, researchers at the Southern Methodist University (SMU) created a website and curated a collection of eye images from individuals with bipolar. Images were labeled as depressed, manic, or stable. Using technology running on algorithms, they were able to produce models detecting euphoric mania.
Retinal Photography
Researchers at Toronto’s Sunnybrook Hospital are hoping that images of the tiny blood vessels of the eye’s retina may lead to new approaches to diagnosing, monitoring, and treating mood disorders such as bipolar. “Blood-vessel problems may be one of the core causes of bipolar disorder and [retinal photography] is a very inexpensive, non-invasive way of understanding this link,” says Benjamin Goldstein, MD, director of research in Sunnybrook’s Department of Psychiatry.
Predicting the Risk
Studies have shown that retinal abnormalities were found in people diagnosed with bipolar. According to a study in Biological Psychiatry, an eye test called an electroretinography (ERG), was used to examine the retina of young adults at a high genetic risk for bipolar or schizophrenia. Participants had an average age of 20 years and had a parent diagnosed with either brain-based illness. Results revealed that in the high genetic risk group, the ability of light to activate the rod photoreceptor was “significantly reduced” as compared to the control group. This suggests that such a test may serve as an early biomarker for the risk of developing either brain-based disorder.
Bearden
et al's review of what could be wrong with the brain reads like a
neurologist's laundry list from hell: ventricular enlargements, cortical
atrophy, cerebellar vermal atrophy, white matter hypertensities
(especially in the frontal cortex and basal ganglia structures), greater
left temporal lobe volume, increased amygdala volume, enlarged right
hippocampal volume, hypoplasmia of the medial temporal lobe, and more.
Then there's the matter of those chemical imbalances, such as glucose
metabolism and phospholipid metabolism.