Mania Message

My friends won't talk to me. A moderator has pulled at least 7 of my posts since yesterday -maybe more. Im antsy to do MORE- anything! Serequel sucks balls. My blog is full of a million recent posts. I have no idea what my treatment team wants from me. I THINK its just to medicate indefinitely- and that feels aweful!! The meds are bad for me. I have evidence. Well you know about wanting to give your body a break. I can't stop. Im exhausted. How do I stop? I keep crashing only to start over. Seroquel does NOT take away the mania- it only makes me feel like I have the flu.

This was from 5/5/19.  Written while manic.  I had posted many posts on a bipolar forum among others which then got taken down.  This message is to a close friend.  

Media and Bipolar Portrayal

Here are two online posts by people with bipolar disorder about the media's portrayal of bipolar people:

I HATE the vryalar commericials! Everytime I see one it gets me all fired up and my husband laughs when one comes on because I am quite comical when I am all fired up. The one where she is shopping all night and buys a ton of cameras and then the camera pans out and she is on a house of cards... then a few days later she is surrounded by packages and there's multiple cameras and equipment surrounding her... another one where she is outside yelling at someone and then inside scrounging through papers crying... AND in that one presumably when she is on vryalar her mom his helping her clean up the mess.. another CAMERA! Wtf is it with bipolar and cameras?!
These ads are sexist and exaggerating. They demean mental illnesses like bipolar. They perpetuate the myth that bipolar is exclusively a women's problem-one that makes us irrational and wacky and the "typical" hysterical woman. It takes a piece of what bipolar is and makes it look nutty. It takes a piece of what mania is and makes it the defining piece of bipolar. There is no depiction of hypomania or the irritation and depression that makes you stay in bed all day with the curtains closed. There are no men in these commercials. I'm surprised they havent made a commercial with a women who sleeps around or gambles her life away-further perpetuating yet another myth about women being sl**s- since they are so interested in what they think mania is. The risk taking behaviors of bipolar when you read about it highlight sex, shopping, sleeplessness, etc. But if the people who market this crap would ever read beyond page one of a google search they would actually be able to possibly understand bipolar beyond those stereotypes and be more sensitive and show more compassion. I tell you, I dont care if this medication would completely heal everything in one dose- I refuse to even consider it after seeing these ads. SEE? All fired up!-- 

found on an online bipolar forum.  Here is another on the same topic:

I haven't had a TV subscription in years, so thankfully I don't see any ads. I do have netflix, and even without ads I get annoyed with the stereotypes in movies, series, jokes by comedians, etc. For some reason a lot of them seem to link bipolar to homicidal maniacs and the like. Another thing I regularly see is "psychotic" being confused with "psychopathic." Also, anxiety is made into a horrible caricature where it seems like all people who suffer from anxiety are weak and incapable of keeping their own life together. There's plenty more and it annoys me to no end. This public perception is one of the reasons why I keep my issues to myself, as hard as that often is.

O Solitude

Feeling depressed when I'm not really used to it is weird.  Its hard.  I have the symptoms and my pdoc says I have it but like when I am manic, I just can't see it.  Everything feels dark, but at the same time, I want to crawl into a small dark place and never come out.  I am being lead by an invisible force/being.  I am falling away, even as I see myself I can't stop.  I wait for bad things to keep happening - its like I'm constantly dodging them.  I can't hold still on top of it all.  I yearn for music- angels singing, voices ringing.  I seek the lithe tones and the fullness of souls yearning for help, yet cherishing every sob, every wave of pain.  I fall into the darkened cold, cold skies and stay still, motionless.  Quiet.  Solitude.

Lighting Depression

I'm currently sitting in the middle of the mall having a coffee I shouldn't've spent my last 2 cents on. (Well it feels like it!) Its very depressing in here: the lighting- the skylights projecting a dreary sky yet the electric lights in thin "X" shapes are almost too bright. The temperature is a little too cool but I have my coat off. I just wanna crawl into a hole and never come out. Closest I can come is getting in bed with my million pillows and my weighted blanket under my comforter. But the hole would be dark. The mall is boring. Its also big. Im glad there's enough light to go around.

Accepting My Diagnosis

If a manic episode in retrospect does not convince me, what will it take? Ive been locked in a small padded room before. They barely checked on me and they didnt let me out to pee. This was at the psych emergency services. Ive been hospitalized lots of times and they always say bipolar. Except once they said I had bpd and I disagreed and so did my regular pdoc so that was dropped. Ive been to the PES more times than Ive been hospitalized and all but once they say im bipolar. That once they said I had delerium and sent me to the regular ER across the hall.

Pieces

If someone moves my stuff- or even if I do- mentally and physically!- I can't find these things again. Pieces of paper, thoughts, my car keys, etc. They must go in the same spot every time. Its highly frustrating. I have a vague recollection of typing this exact post before but without a reference it all drops away: I am lost. Not good when I have important paperwork to do.

Lights

Bright lights against the dull shine of the signal post- red, now green, now yellow holding, aaaand red!  The cool air sneaks around my ankles- Whoosh!  It's cool, fresh as I inhale deeply.  Honk!  Beep!  A step: wanting to be one with the light, as it is reflected-  hardness, brightly, swiftly- I am one with the hardness, bone against flesh, steel against steel, to meet is their desire!  O what joy!  What quiet delight!  As one, and snow gently falls around.  Now red!  And white and green! And STOP.