My Depressions

We often hear the pairing "Anxiety and Depression". Why do they go together so well?

I was reading the posts here and thought, "You know, I rarely get depressed". In fact, the last time I remember being depressed was two, maybe three years ago when I was inpatient. They definitely let me know I was depressed! Somehow, I couldn't see it.

Then, I thought about anti-anxiety meds and how I've been posting about my pdoc not prescribing them- or if they work well, or if they're addictive.

Then it dawned on me: What if my frequent anxiety spells ARE my depressions! Just depression turned inward?

Yes, in the past, I've had spells of crying "for no reason", catatonia, feeling despondent, and generally just not feeling engaged in life. But, far more frequently, I've had this inside-out depression.

Thoughts?

Mental Health Days

Today I took a mental health day- something I'd never done before. I slept in, got a shower, got dressed and went to Starbucks. There I had coffee and read my book. Having taken my zyprexa in the morning instead of the evening I felt dozey which was nice. I just sat and read until it was time to go home. Later, I took my son to a make-up piano lesson and then we both went to choir rehearsal. I'm now in bed and sleepy. Tomorrow is lunch with friends. That's always enjoyable. I think I should take more mental health days- this one did me lots of good!

Anxiety Day 4

I'm still anxious. My younger two kids went off with their friends after school yesterday. Oh sure they called and asked if they could but didn't say it was a half day or where they'd actually be! The youngest managed to get himself miles away! (I ended up crying in the parking lot at the grocery store I was worn out.) Luckily, my children's grandfather went and picked him up and all was well but my nerves were shot. It's been four days of anxiety now. Pdoc upped my zyprexa to 7.5 from 5 again but it hasn't helped really. Talking to friends has helped for the moment. I just feel like the world will come crashing down any second. Imagine what I posted last entry but almost all day long. It hasn't gone away. I'm ok at the moment because I'm at Starbucks reading. (Helps get my mind off things; that, plus the din of Starbucks.) We will see what Pdoc says if she calls me back.

D'oh (Anxiety)

My son went to his piano recital with his dad step mom and Grandpa this afternoon..... Oh. Yeah. I just spent an hour freaking out that my son wasn't home yet. Totally convinced myself that their car crashed on the freeway. Picturing dead bodies. My youngest son! Nobody was answering their phones. I thought of hospitals they could be at. Would anyone call me? I have no prn at all even though my heart was racing my face was flushed my thoughts racing.... And then it dawned on me: they're at play practice. D'oh

Sleep

Woke up at 4 am to smoke alarm chirping. Tried sleeping through, tried taking battery out, gave up and left. By five I was at Starbucks. I read and posted. Then off to church. Getting sleepy now. Decided to not go to my son's recital. Sad. Walked to pizza with daughter. Drove to get batteries. Tired brain thought it would be ok to crash. It seemed dream-like. I'm still not tired now. I try to nap. I get maybe half an hour and now can't at all. Wonder if I can tonight. Washed laundry. How long will this day go? There's been longer ones. Wonder if the hallucinations of yesterday will come back.

Tactile & Turning

Just went to get a DVD off the bottom shelf. When my hand touched I said to my daughter "there are only books down here on the bottom shelf", my fingers feeling individual pages thick and thin. She said she thought I was going crazy. I felt again: hard plastic.

Organ Music

We have an electric organ. It's in my bedroom. I thought I heard my 15 year old playing it. Clear as a bell. Multiple parts, petals and all. Except when I leave the room I was in he was nowhere to be found! I'd thought he'd come home Frome school and begun playing in the distance. My daughter said no, he wasn't even home. And he still isn't. This was much more clear than the music in the shower earlier. But just as interesting and ornate.