The last week, Ive been exercising a lot more and trying to eat well. I feel GREAT! Ive been posting almost everyday in this blog- one theme about antipsychotics and side effects. My health is TERRIBLE on paper and I simply can't just wait to die from the "side effects" from these drugs. I feel like my head has cleared out- like its been rinsed out with mouthwash- aahhh! I can THINK again! My thoughts just come to me easily and don't search for words. (I used to do this as a matter of course- day in, day out.) I cannot wait for anti psychotics to kill me, living every day substandardly. My bipolar symptoms are with me even when I take the pills regularly. Mania, hypomania, paranoia, hallucinations and delusions- had 'em all. Almost every psych med Ive been prescribed has not worked simply because the side effects are bad enough that my psych nurse practitioner couldn't NOT take me off. And those are the "loud" bad effects. The "silent" ones- like high blood pressure, fatty liver disease, excessive weight gain, pre-diabetes, etc are just as real but why are they tolerated- by my psych nurse, primary doctor and ESPECIALLY ME? Bipolar will kill me alright- but the actual treatments will be responsible, not the effects of my disease.
Before I was diagnosed, life was good! I was extremely fit, physically and medically. I never had these symptoms - no side effects. In a short period, all that changed. Now I can't kill the cycle of feeling ill physically and contastantly chasing "sanity", in and out of the doctors- psych nurse because I get "too happy", and my long-time primary doctor who chases after my psych meds like crazy- including sleep apnea from the extreme weight gain (that can kill you too!)- cleaning up all the (side) effects with more tests, and lots of medications to undo what antipsychotics have turned me into.
I don't think Ive ever truely been manic- at least not in the extreme. Ive thought I'd figured out the meaning to my life, yeah, but what's the harm in that? Everybody wishes for that at some point in their lives. When I'm talkative and clever and funny and creative and quick-witted, that's ME! The me I have always been. I feel myself, free and devoid of the med rollercoaster, diagnosis codes, especially psych hospitals and my communication with my kids is exciting and yet educational- on both sides!
Why should I contasntly live burdoned by the medication rollercoaster- with fear, worry, drug side effects and the incessant anxiety/fear that I will simply melt into this rotting stew that is my new bipolar life? That is no way to spend my midlife and on.
This all needs to be rethought. I want my life back to age 33 when life was devoid of even KNOWING the term "bipolar", judo was my passion, where judo and great sex kept the endorphines running and my body was strong, lithe and healthy. Period.
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