While my son swam with his friends, I had an intrusive thought. It was of self-harm. It took me by surprise and in the sun and water I tried to push it away. It was stronger than I had thought, when it came to me, too. It went into my mind and took over, saying, "This is truth!" The idea of self-harm felt seductive again. I felt myself going down that path. My hair was wet. The water was warm. The sun was beating down hot. I shook it off. I decided to try to float on my back. I had never really gotten the hang of this as a kid, but now it seems effortless. (I'm not sure if its the added pounds from zyprexa or maybe I just "get it" now, but I could do it.)
As I lay on my back in the water, the liquid filled my ears. The sounds were muffled- quiet- and the water lapped in and out of my ear canals, making tiny intermittent "tinking" noises. My eyes were closed. The rest of me was free. I buoyed gently back and forth and felt at peace. Every so often, a voice called out, but I could barely make out what it said. I was transcended. I opened my eyes, seeing the blue sky, but the water sometimes covered them, so I closed them again. I wondered if this is what fetuses experience- but I had to breathe air, of course. I did this several times, opening my eyes in between and looking around. Next time, I will try and not open my eyes for longer- more than a minute.
When I finally stopped and went upright, I felt as if I'd been meditating: relaxed & calm: nothing like several minutes before when I'd had the intrusive thoughts. We are thinking of getting an annual pass to the pool this year. Maybe this can be a new way to meditate for me. The swimming itself is good exercise, even if you're only just wading around, like I usually do.
No comments:
Post a Comment