Wistfully Wandering into the Wilderness

A couple of years ago, I went to Starbucks. I'm not sure what time I got there, but at four a.m. I was drinking coffee, looking around at the people who filled the store, and at the darkness of the windows. Four turned to six which turned to seven. The sun came up. By nine, I had gotten in my car. Time meant nothing. It was Saturday, but to me it was still the longest Friday ever. I felt good. I felt awake. Refreshed. I drove downtown and parked. I walked quickly past houses. I was alive! The thought crossed my mind: "I could get so much more done if I never slept!"

I walked into the record store and looked around a bit. I talked to someone behind the counter, who turned out to be the owner. From this Russel Oberlin recording to that; from this rare singer to the other, we talked. Eventually, he said, "Do you have a degree in this?" I said, "No!" flattered.

I left the store, and after more quick walking, found myself in the downtown Starbucks. I saw a friend from judo and began talking to him. A million miles an hour I talked, seeming to keep up a normal conversation, but in my head, I was detached from the world. Just as I had been while walking down the street. The world was not mine. I was almost beside it as it played out in the distance.

I found my car again and drove to the grocery store. I climbed the balcony which spanned the whole of the front of the store. I leaned over it a bit. Looking down at all the people who were walking by or paying for their groceries, I thought about jumping over the railing. Who would I land on? What would happen? I saw myself lifting my legs over the railing, and falling down, down... I looked out and over toward the back of the store. I had just been walking through the isles and could see that any minute, giraffes were going to be walking by. I just KNEW they were! Anything could happen. The world was simply not real anymore. I looked down over the railing at the people in front of me again. Maybe if I landed wrong, I'd land on top of someone and that wouldn't be fair to them. I decided against jumping.

Eventually, I made my way home that day, though it was a long one. Interestingly, it was last November that I was hospitalized for something similar- wanting to jump off a balcony. I obviously, never reported this episode, or if I did, it had been so much time since that it didn't matter anymore.

P.s. re: wistfully Main Entry: wist·ful Pronunciation: \ˈwist-fəl\ Function: adjective Etymology: blend of wishful and obsolete English wistly intently Date: 1714