Now Canst Thou Hear

 Now canst thou hear

O all manners of delight

Shaped with bosom near

All brass and bright.

With great nature I adore

What can'tst I bear I ignore

For ether is unveiled

Is surely Day quite revealed?

Longing for to love today,

I mourn and weep- 

Unfound my way.

And in that curse I find myself-

A cry to keep-

Inside, my mirth.

Joy is nigh where great grief waits

All hung above in my fates

And to this life I see

A reflection that is me.

All lost is what I see

A tune that's longing to be free

With joy a distant memory,

I fall into the darkened sea.

Music is a soothing care

Where I follow it near to there

A somber sleep with me does fall

With voices' shadows me do call.

And if I slumber before I dare

To dream up high 

All in the air.

The sun falls down and tells the tale

Of around my mournful fate

To which I cannot escape.

So where the metal horns do sound

A cry!   And wrap around

I hear their great delight

But I am fallen back in time

My mind and self only mine.

A day will come 

When I will pass a weary trodden path

And I will choose which way I go

A hand my own self soothes

And I will come again to this place anew.

My Own Version - O Death Rock Me Asleep

O Death rock me asleep.

Bring me to quiet rest.

Thou has mine heart to keep

A soothing wave in thine breast.

As I am to be

Fallen among the tide so smooth,

A lapping ride of lamenting ease

And comfort here to soothe.

O Death rock me asleep

Among the lonely deep,

And in my mind I pine within

A doleful rest begin.

My soul must fly

To places unknown

But yae I am flown!

For now I die

In places forlorn 

With songs which I adorn.

O Death rock me asleep

Quiet breath to keep

Under depths unknown

A soft repose

In death-

I sigh and rest

My weary breast.

O Death rock me asleep

Bring me to quiet rest.

Thou has mine heart to weep

A soothing wave in mine breast.

O Death Rock Me Asleep - Lyrics

This has always been one of my favorite songs, written by Anne Boleyn.   I have a recording of this song by sung by Alain Zaepffel.  The text for that song is below and the full text of the poem is also included  here.

O Death rock me asleep

Bring me to quiet rest,

Let pass my weary guiltless ghost

Out of my woefull breast.

Toll on the passing bell,

Ring out the dolefull knell,

Let the sound my death tell;

For I must dye,

There is no remedye,

For now I dye.

 O DEATH, rock me asleep,

Bring me to quiet rest, Let pass my weary guiltless ghost Out of my careful breast.

Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. My pains who can express? Alas, they are so strong; My dolour will not suffer strength My life for to prolong. Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Alone in prison strong I wait my destiny. Woe worth this cruel hap that I Should taste this misery! Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Farewell, my pleasures past, Welcome, my present pain! I feel my torments so increase That life cannot remain. Cease now, thou passing bell; Rung is my doleful knell; For the sound my death doth tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy.

Oh! They killed EVERYthing!

 Time just keeps going.  I don't even know why I'm writing this, except that I just looked through my Facebook memories and they were from 2010, 2012, etc.  I didn't even have this blog in 2010!  Below, I've posted a link to a video of me and Nataleigh, my daughter.  This must have been around 2006 considering how old she looks.  We were just having a great time at Wendy's for lunch.  It's not the best quality because it was filmed on an old phone-  MAYbe on my iPhone?  Or if not, maybe the one before that which was not a smart phone.  I'm not sure, but I don't have an iPhone anymore.  That was years ago, which may match up with when this was taken, actually.  Me and Nataleigh at Wendy's . 

But back to time keeps going... We all know this.  Every day, you are that much older.  Kids grow up, have their own kids, etc. and pretty soon the photos and videos of me and MY kids turn into them and THEIR kids.  This hasn't happened yet for me, but I watched it happen to my mother.  And I see old pictures of when MY kids were born and think that I was 25 at the time my eldest came into this world, and that would make my mom 50 in those pix.  Now, this year, I turn 49!  I'm not expecting any of my kids to have a baby any time soon, but anything is possible.  My parents are now 74 this year and I see things in the news about famous people dying at age 83, etc.  That gives my parents another 10 or so years to live and then they will be gone.  Well, it all depends.  Anything could happen.  My mom's mom lived until she was 94 and my dad's parents lived into their 90's as well.  My maternal grandfather died in his early 80's because he had lung and brain cancer.  So now all my four grandparents are dead.  Nothing unusual about that, I supposed when I'm nearly 50.  I was sad that they died, but it is going to be really hard when my parents die.  I am not looking forward to that day, except to imagine that I will be very sad.  

So for today, I think I'll clean something.  Call my kids.  My youngest is in school today all day, so I shouldn't call and disturb him.  The old videos that I found and put on youtube recently- one of them was me and the kids at the dinosaur museum.  Nathan and Nataleigh walked into a different room, but Noah kept walking in the big, main room filled with animal skeletons both big and small.  A few seconds in, he exclaims, "Oh!  They killed EVERYthing!"  Fun to actually see him say one of the funny things he has always said that I've written down and written books about! Oh! They killed EVERYthing!

Time just keeps going.  And that's good.  I'm an archivist at heart.  I love taking photographs and writing down quotes of my kids'.  Today, the funny things they say are far and few between- mostly because I don't live with them 24/7/365 like I used to.  But every so often, I catch a flash of something remarkable.  It certainly has made for great conversations over the years!  So here's to today and tomorrow and yesterday.  May we keep in touch with our family so those memories don't fade and we make new memories every day!

O Death Rock Me Asleep

The last week, I've been thinking about death.  Yes the usual "O death! O death rock me asleep..."  But also about how my parents could die at any moment.  They will be 74 this year.  How they may or may not live another 20 years.  Heck! I may not live another 20 years!  

I've been reading a book by Kay Redfield Jamison called "Touched with Fire"- a 260+ page book about artistic people and madness- specifically bipolar.  Of depression, but of the type that manic-depressives get.  (It is somewhat different than unipolar depression.)  Lots of quotes by famous artists and writers and musicians and commentary in between.   The speak of bleakness and of blackness and of Spring flowers still causing depression against the mania you'd think they would evoke.  

All of this is mildly triggering for me but it is also fascinating.  

I am also reading Virus Hunter by C.J. Peters.  A timely read though it was written in the 90's.  Its about the author's 30 years in dealing with "hot" viruses like the Hanta virus, Ebola, and Marburg.   I found something else he wrote in pdf format online but I haven't gotten around to reading it.  I hope there are still people like him doing his job about.  We definitely need them! https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-virology-031413-085401 

https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-virology-031413-085401

Wonderful Bipolar Brains

 "An MSN-PMHNP program prepares nurses to deliver a full spectrum of care to patients with psychiatric disorders, organic brain disorders, and substance abuse issues."

This is from a webpage advertising a university's program in nursing.  Note the distinction between "psychiatric disorders" and "organic brain disorders"- as if psychiatric disorders are not from the brain but are personality flaws- they are inorganic and therefore not as viable and true as an organic brain disorder.  Moreover, organic disorders are something we cannot control and psychiatric disorders are due to the lack of the ability to control one's environment!

This just irks me.  As a friend who is a behavioral pharmacologist- he studies brain drugs- once told me "You ARE your brain!"  I have never forgotten this.  Indeed we are one with our brains.  They control everything about is and make us who we are whether we know it or whether we like it.  It is.  We are.  Our brains.  It's simple.  Without our brains we cease to exist.  Those of us with bipolar disorder just have that extra "twist" to our neurons.  That special something that 1% of the population have been blessed with.  I AM my brain- in all its organic and chemical wonders!

Paranoia & Turning 49

         About a week and a half ago, I went through several days of paranoia.  The worst was the first day.  I had seen a commercial on tv for "Life Lock".  And I'd seen lots of commercials about identity theft and people getting into your bank account.  So I started changing my passwords to everything, including my online banking.  I did this for quite a while, thinking that someone was after me all the while rushing around, flitting from thing to thing.  I'd worried that the person that had called me that morning was really out to take my information.  After all, I'd given them the last four digits of my social security number!  My address, too, amongst a lot of other things.  Five hours later, I called my mom to tell her about the phone call.  She asked me to give her the number it came from.  She called.  The person who'd called me answered.  She asked him several questions, and he said what his name was.  As luck would have it, I had some paperwork from the case manager that I had supposedly been talking to.  He said what his name was and it matched what I had on the paper, so after I got off the phone, my mom said she believed him and so did Kevin, her husband.

        The next day or so, my psychiatric nurse practitioner called do check up on me.  (Telemedicine as they aren't doing in-person appointments right now.)  I told her about all of the above and she said I should take Haldol 2 mg to my daily 2.5 mg "for intrusive thoughts".  She also said she'd have some people she works with check in on me every day.  This only lasted 2 days before they no longer were calling.  But I have their number so if I feel like I need to talk to them, I can.  I still have an inkling of a worry that that wasn't the case manager calling.  As I've been writing this, I've had two calls from "Natl Pub Radio".  What the heck?!  I haven't done anything with public radio.  I'm not a member and I never call them.  Maybe they are calling people randomly to ask for money?  Maybe its not even public radio!   I didn't answer and they didn't leave a message.

        Well also as I write this, I'm watching the second episode of the first season on All Creatures Great and Small!  I mentioned this a while back when I'd first heard there was going to be a new TV show.  I get it via my TV antenna.  My mom gets PBS through her cable service so she can record the episodes.  I'm also getting my hair cut in 3 days.  I hope it will look good. I have an idea of what I want, but it depends on what my hair dresser thinks, too and this will be the first time I've ever seen her, but she comes highly recommended from my mom, so I'll try it.

    Also, it's not my birthday yet, but this year I will turn 49.  I already feel like I'm 50.  This is going to be a hard one!  I also feel like I've been in my 40's forever, so it's time.  But that's next year.  Right now, I'm still 48.  I was looking at a photo of me with my sister's twin boys on the day they were born.  They just turned 20!  It is a great photo.  

Evidence and Ethics on Circumcision

I read this last night and found it very interesting.  The history of the studies and the flaws in a lot of them really got me thinking: it is a cultural practice looking for a medical excuse.  Especially when it is performed on perfectly healthy newborn babies.  This article explains the ins and outs of the issues and cites the authors of various studies, while pointing out the flaws in each study- on both sides of the fence.  

Evidence and Ethics on Circumcision

It's an article written by a registered nurse, and very worth the read.  Even if you have grown kids- they may have kids themselves one day-, you and they can still benefit from the knowledge herein.  If you read anything on the subject, I'd suggest starting here.  

Today, the stats are close to 50/50 for number of boys circumcised and not.  And on the West coast, rates are even lower.  So, your child won't be the odd one out if he's not circumcised.  Medicalized circumcision has been going on for over 140 years and religious and tribal circumcision has been going on for thousands of years!  In fact, female circumcision is still done for the same reasons male circumcision is: hygiene, looks, cultural preference, though it is illegal in the United States- only since 1997!

Note: The article has no photos or videos.  There are plenty of those online if you wish to see how the procedure is done.

I hope you find this of interest and pass it on to the expecting parents that you know.

Bipolar is not something you want

 Bipolar is not something you want. Not even sorta. Mania may be "fun" but the aftermath can be severe. In fact, during can be severe- reckless driving and basic lack of fear in general. The consequences of conflicts with friends and family can be severe. The lack of insight can lead to poor decisions and run-ins with the law. Arrests are not uncommon. You don't want bipolar disorder. It is nothing but trouble and loss which is cyclical so it happens again and again and every time you have an episode it is worse than the last time. (Kindling effect.)

New Year's Day - Rene Jacobs and Freezing Rain

 It's 2021!  I'm so glad - like lots of my friends and relatives- to leave 2020 behind.  Good riddance!  This post doesn't have much to do with bipolar- I seem to be doing okay on that front for now-  but just how I'm doing in general.  

It's freezing rain here. Or is it hail? Not sure. Tiny frozen rain it looks like. I can hear it hit the deck and the glass door.

I'm listening to a good CD: Rene Jacobs Airs de Cour.  (348) Laisse-moy soupirer - YouTube I have several of his records. They are from the 1980's I believe. He now conducts as I guess he's gotten old since the 80's - haven't we all?

I've turned the TV off for now. They are playing a Twilight Zone marathon- from yesterday morning to early Monday morning. I've seen a lot of them already.

I've taken some chicken wings out of the freezer for dinner. They are in a freezer baggie in the sink thawing. Going to use my air fryer again, of course! I want to try different things in it, but tonight will be chicken wings again.

I got my stimulus check! Last time, I had to fill out a special form because I hadn't filed taxes- I don't need to- but this time they sent the money without a hitch. It is pending deposit into my checking account but I assume it will fall in by tomorrow some time.

I stayed up until 1:30 reading, even though I went to bed just after midnight. I always seem to read for an hour and a half before I check the time. I wish I had an extension cord for my phone. Right now I have to plug it into the wall and have it sit on the floor. I can still hear the alarm from bed, but it would be nice to be able to pick it up and look at who is calling, texting, etc. My old phone had a speaker on the back/bottom and when it was laying on its back, the sound would be muffled. The speaker on the new version is on the bottom not the back so I can hear it better.

I already got myself a phone and just paid the credit card that I used to buy it so some of that $600 is going toward that. So I guess you can say I bought myself a new phone with some of the stimulus money. What are you going to spend yours on? Or have you already? I just went to pay my gas/electric bill and it says I have a credit from last month and I now owe $-4.43! Hooray!