Good Friends

I have mentioned this person before, but last night we had a chat again. He said I am wonderful- again. No matter that messed-up things I tell him about me, he still seems to like me. I said that I suck and he replied, "not suck! not not not". And then, "you have challenges, but you handle them! you are lovely". These are the comments that keep me going! I told him I'm glad he's around and he says thank you, "the feeling is mootual". Gives a person warm fuzzies! A few says later, I was talking about my job interview process, saying, "I am smiley an happy. People should like me!" after he commented, "don't worry. be your usual smiley happy self" and then replied that, "we do! all the voices in my head love you!" Hahahaha!

These are only current examples. But they really make me feel better. We can talk about most anything. In fact, when I was manic last fall, we got into an argument over circumcision- and I wouldn't back down and was quite nasty. That was the mania talking. I was quite upset later that I'd acted that way. I told him then that I value our friendship much more than being right or wrong in an argument. Stupid brain! The point is, we got through that and I'm glad he's still my friend.

I have another friend who takes me to the ER or the Psych ER when needed and has stayed with me for hours upon hours and then driven me home. Not only that, he's kept me company! Sometimes, the friend in the first paragraph has talked with me on the phone during times in the psych ER and laughed with me to ease the pain, too.

I can't forget the friend who gets me though things every day. We talk or text every day. Whatever is going on in my life, we discuss. He's there for me almost at any hour of the day, as he gets up for work at 4:30 a.m. He's great for passing my thoughts by, for a laugh, and for a good friend - a different sort of friend, but all three are different in their own ways. All three wonderful in their own ways.

Then there are all my other friends who are close in their own way. I don't have as much contact with them, but they are there for me when I've been in the hospital, or had a weird drug reaction. They love me even when I'm having my most difficult times with bipolar.

I am glad to have such close, wonderful, loving friends.

Applied for a Job

I put in an online application today for Starbucks. I am calling the manager on Monday after 10 a.m. to set up an interview. I know, if I get the job, that there are things I'll have to change. I have manicured fingernails that will have to be "undone". I also have my tongue pierced and that's a facial piercing that they don't allow. I can't see myself getting that in and out too easily with these nails anyway. Hmm. I guess I'll have to get the nails removed. I wonder if they charge you for that if you don't get your nails redone?

I'm nervous because I'm always nervous about getting a job. I know I can do a good job, but after the last job, I feel weird. I mean, I did a good job but she decided she didn't like me for no reason at all that I can tell. That makes me nervous. BUT, *I* know I am a good, hard worker, so never mind that. I think I'd like working at Starbucks. I'm good at multi-tasking and I like fast-paced work. So I'll add more to this post when I have had at least a conversation on Monday. Today is only Thursday

Thought Dropping, Mood Pattern, Weight

I've noticed that I post a lot about how "I suck" in the evening. If I get up earlier in the morning, I'm less apt to do that during the day. I had a nice conversation with a long-time friend of mine last night- he said I don't suck and I'm lovely. How nice!

I was just looking at a photo I took a few years ago of my youngest on a merry-go-round. Then I think, "Why don't you do more of that?" Yes! Why don't I? Photo of my youngest I mean, its as if the world is ending and its all my fault at night. It as soon as the sun goes down, basically. I need to be up doing things- up being creative- getting things done. My friend, above, is so nice to remind me how he likes having me around. Really gets the warm fuzzies going, you know?

At the same time, I'm still having problems with dropped thoughts. Last night, I took my glasses off the same as I always do and set them next to me in bed and then I couldn't find them this morning. I am glad I have a second pair! Also, I'm obsessively looking for my keys and phone and in this warmer weather, I've not been wearing a coat, so I've had to put my phone in my pocket and my keys clipped to my purse. That doesn't mean that I still don't forget what I was just about to do, say or write.

Sort of related, the Zyprexa has given me a new side effect: muscle spasms. They're mainly abdominal and they're pretty bad. They happen all day long. I also, despite the new clothes, have noticed more abdominal fat. I seem to get hungry every four hours and I've been trying to eat mostly small meals like a yogurt or cereal, rather than something big most days. Some days I do have a meal of steak, say, if I go out with my friend I see most Saturdays. My psychiatrist/pdoc refuses to reduce my dose, so I just have to deal with these side effects. What I don't want, obviously, is to gain a bunch more weight on it.

Zyprexa Clothes Shopping

Since I am stuck with an ever-increasing dose of Zyprexa- 10 mg now- and a pdoc who refuses to lower it even though I haven't asked, I may as well get used to being fatter. That's not to say that I eat everything in sight and don't care. I still try to eat normally. But Zyprexa has a way of storing fat abnormally. I would look up studies, but I don't wanna. lol But today I went to buy clothes that actually fit. Ok. Here's a blog that may shine some light on the subject: Why Zyprexa Makes You Fat

First I went with a friend of mine while she shopped for boots at the mall. Then we went to Salvation Army so I could spend some of my birthday money. They were having a half off sale at 6:00 so I waited the 20 minutes after I was done shopping to get in line. Hard shopping for the sizes I need, but nice to get summer stuff that will FIT me! I have been wearing the same jeans and worn-out shorts since last year. If I'm gonna be fat then I'll buy clothes that at least fit me, right?! I even got two bras that I guessed at my size but they FIT! So TWO new pair of jeans, a pair of shorts, a nice top, some scrubs- lol.... Yes I got scrubs- to sleep in! he he. I got my daughter a pair of penguin pajama bottoms. (She loves penguins.) I need more tops and I'll go back. I'm glad they have fitting rooms there because there were some items I'd picked up that didn't fit.

Its not that I want to get bigger, but at least I will be comfortable and look okay in the clothes I'm wearing- not squished into small clothes. The other shorts I had were worn-out, too. One pair in particular. The Salvation Army is one of those places people look down on, but really, its a great deal. Especially at half-off.

Zyprexa Exhaustion or Migraine? Plus, prolactin seems raised

Today is worse than it has been since my dose of zyprexa was increased a month or so ago. Even my friend today asked what was going on. I just feel drunk or high or just plain spacey. Its not a bad feeling, really, it just makes me want to sleep. I had two cups of coffee and now am drinking iced tea and that's barely helping. I also have had a headache all day which may be a mild migraine as it was in my eye. Luckily, Tylenol- the only med I can take for pain- has subdued it. Its still there, though. I'm also a bit nauseated, so this could be a migraine plus zyprexa or one or the other. I'm not sure which.

In other news, I haven't called my pdoc about possibly having high prolactin levels- achey breasts and thirsty- because of what happened last time I talked to her: She accused me of trying to talk her into reducing my zyprexa dose. I would like to be more awake, but I don't feel like fighting with her. I just have to suffer, it seems.

I just want a nap, yet I hate naps. Seems like another afternoon to suffer. To "activate"- I'm already out at Starbucks with my friend. That's activated enough, I think. Then why can I see myself crawling under the table and snoring?

Roller Coaster: Falling Through My Fingers

I'm not good. Today I can't keep things in my memory and its making me very anxious. I put a call in to my pdoc. It just says to call me so she probably is annoyed by me and wont call. My heart is racing a bit. I feel like everything is falling through my fingers. My thoughts, my ideas, my whole mind... Falling down, like the proverbial sand through fingers. In moments its gone, but there is so much more sand to be sifted.

I can't stand this feeling. It not only feels like someone is after me, but its a constant gnawing feeling - like I'm buzzed on nine cups of coffee and riding a roller coaster that goes through the station but never lets me off.

I can watch tv shows or take Ativan, but these only warp my vision as the roller coaster still goes- its just not as noticeable. Its the out-of-control feeling of the roller coaster, rather than the up-and-down which people usual associate with it. I'm used to the downs and ups. Its the anxiety- the out-of-control- that is getting to me. Its been several weeks. Someone let me off. Please.

Ativan & Anxiety & Memory

Last night, and several nights before, I'd been feeling anxious. Racing thoughts. Bad thoughts about things being after me. Mostly, I feel guilty. Very guilty about failing at life. I try to distract myself by watching "Nova" on tv, or reading, or doing the coloring, but sometimes all of that is only a Bandaid. Last night, I took Ativan and that seemed another layer of Bandaid, but it did help. The problem is that I'm going to run out of that one of these days and I'm sure my therapist or pdoc will think I'm dependent on them even though I CAN sleep without taking any. I just hate the anxiety lately. The thoughts swirling. I would've taken a walk last night but it was night time. I haven't been able to take my daughter out for photography. She just doesn't want me to take her picture, even though I think that would be very soothing. I like the photos I've taken of her over the years. I'd have to make an album of only her to link here, but at any rate, they are nice. She is very expressive!

I'm afraid I'm going to lose things. Not only my keys and phone, but my photos that Ive already taken. I would feel SOOOO bad if they disappeared! I have them saved online, but that's not the point! My phone, my ipod, my keys, and things I've written down, important papers for the kids about school... all I feel I might lose... my purse... I feel they will walk away at any moment. That I can't keep track of where they are. I am constantly making mental notes, but doing that weakens them somehow?!

So I end up posting on a bipolar bulletin board that I frequent talking about how anxious I feel and they suggest yoga or pottery or the like. I am at Starbucks right now with my friend being one-year-olds on laptops: We play NEXT to each other, not WITH each other. After this, I go home and meet the kids after school.

My memory is a little bit better, but maybe only because I have been forcing myself to make mental notes: "Keys are in your coat pocket; cell phone is on the table next to you". Still, sometimes, I'll have a thought and go to write it down and lose it before its written down.

Speaking of bad thoughts at night, the Zyprexa has taken care of the intrusive thoughts, and this is why my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose of Zyprexa. It has made me gain a few pounds, and I'm trying to watch what I eat.

Forgetting.... Whaaah?

The last week I have had a serious problem with short-term memory. I'll put my phone in my pocket and immediately forget that I just did this, making me feel confused and then, as I check my other pocket- as, by now I know it has something to do with pockets- I freak out that I've now lost something important. Multiply this times my car keys, where am I driving?- every turn, lane change, car I almost change lanes into- and you now have maybe fifteen minutes of my day today. Is it the bipolar brain doing this? I don't know. I think it might be the increased Zyprexa. Ironic- again! Even if I write myself a note, I could forget as I go to write the note!

A friend, who is also bipolar, had an interesting suggestion: "In my experience, its not that you actually forget, its that you're so distracted by the million other thoughts racing through you mind at the speed of light, that by the time you get back around to needing to know what you did 5 minutes ago, that thought is buried deep in some jumbled mess and its very difficult to retrieve it."

My pdoc just called. Wants me keep track of this type of thing. Says we can't really change my meds so just to keep track of my memory problems.

Art Therapy

Maybe three days ago, I had an appointment with my therapist. She said I need to "activate". I.E. do something and not stay in bed watching dvds every day. So I thought of pottery, but that turns out to be kind of expensive. I went to an arts-and-crafts store and found a kaleidescope-ish coloring book and some colored pencils. I brought my record player downstairs and played some of my records of kids choirs while I colored. It really does get the endorphins going.

Still Depressed - after 2 months

I'm short-tempered and negative. I am anxious. The same as two months ago. My pdoc would tell me to distract myself. Hmm. Friends say try crafts. Pottery is expensive but I thought of it. I guess I'll have to keep thinking. I'm in bed watching tv- again. At least I got my photos done. I feel anxious too. I suppose I should keep my friends' company. Tomorrow I've got a regular dr. Appointment so not much time to hang out. Well it's night again. Yuck. Hours until the sun shows up. Maybe I should get up with it. Or maybe that would just mess my sleep up. I keep thinking of the details in smells or tastes or how things look. As if they're going away. They are very vivid. And I want to take them all in. One just now was Brie cheese. Another might be freshly-cut grass. Or a bit of earth. I think this is verification. Touching the mortar of a brick building.... I could go on and on.... Cookies baking... Popcorn popping...

Where is the rabbit?

The rabbit has been drugged. You see, little white pills. No, not even Skittles this time. Just white and bigger this time. Sleepy. Sleepy. Hopping... Hopping.... Slowly.... Always wanting to curl up into bed. Like now. Not down any holes that I know of, but the same negative thoughts- just fewer of them. I go round and round and can't get out. Like the merry-go-round I've written about, but apply it to my life as a whole. Just can't hop off. The only thing that sticks out is my photography. I took a photo two days ago that I like. Its of my eldest. The pix don't all come out good. I have to look through all of them am every so often get a good one. If it weren't for photography of my kids and my kids I don't know what I'd have left.

Nathan