I Refuse Perphenazine!

 Turns out Perphenazine has the same “urinary retention” side effect as Fluphenazine!  Why didn’t that psychiatrist at the hospital know this?  So I’ve decided to not take it.  I feel short-tempered.  It’s an antipsychotic not a mood stabilizer and I don’t feel psychotic- no hallucinations or delusions.

I’ve still got the catheter in.  I hope my primary doc will take it out on Tuesday when I see her.  I just can’t have it  any longer!  It’s only been a day and a half already and I’m already sick of it.  Meanwhile, nobody could get ahold of my psych nurse practitioner on Thursday and Bi didn’t hear from her yesterday.  

I think I’m just going to have to be unmedicated for a while.  It’s always a problem finding a med I can tolerate.    

Psych meds suck!!

 I was in the ER for urinary retention yesterday. They think it’s my new psych med. so psych at the hospital prescribed perphenazine instead of fluphenazine which supposedly caused me to not be able to pee. They sent me home with a catheter in! There are so many what ifs swirling in my mind! Like what if I get a uti? How long will I have to wear the catheter? What if the new med does the same thing? I was soooo anxious in the hospital that i didn’t stop shaking but for a few seconds every so often. I had to have someone pick me up because I was so anxious that I thought I’d crash my car on the way home.

Saw Psych Nurse Practitioner today

 Psych N.P. Changed my meds today. We are weaning off the Depakote and starting fluphenazine 5 mg 2x/ day and adding .5 mg Ativan for sleep. She said that were it not for my great insight I would’ve been hospitalized!

Depakote and Liver Damage

 My actual liver doctor- not the nurse practitioner I’ve been seeing- wrote me back about my concerns about Depakote. He says yes it can cause liver damage but it’s reversible and he’s fine with me taking it for 15 days. My Pdoc wants to see me Monday in her office. She says my side effects are normal for someone just starting Depakote. Being mentally ill and advocating for yourself is exhausting!

Depakote

 Got put on Depakote last night.  Depakote should come with a “don’t drive” warning. I am sooooo out of it!

There are huge liver warnings on the drug fact sheet.  Called clinical coverage to get a message to my Pdoc that I have existing liver problems.  

Horrible Night on Rozerem

 Horrible night.  Fell asleep with new drug okay but woke up again 3 hours later at 1 a.m. unable to sleep.  Convinced myself that I was having a horrible reaction to the drug- angio edema- and then proceeded to have a panic attack.  Oh that warm flush feeling of dread!  I tried watching Netflix but I couldn’t after the panic attack set in.  I called my Pdoc who wanted to put me on lithium! :eek:  Several years ago I had lithium toxicity so I’m not going down that road again!   waiting for another call back.

They put me on Depakote now.  I won’t stay on it long term - I just can’t gain another 50 pounds!  Still supposed to take the Rozerem.   

I’ve Gone and Done it Now

 I’m not doing well.  I’ve felt manic most of the day and I’ve been super irritable with everyone.  I put a call in to my psych nurse practitioner but of course she never called me back. I can hardly describe the way I am feeling tonight except that solitude is not my friend.  I picked up the Rozerem.  Lots of bad side effects listed.  Lack of sleep and mentally not being able to even get comfortable enough to sleep is really doing a number on my psyche.  I’m thinking of killing my cat because she’s been nothing but a little shit all week.  I despise the psych ER especially at night.  The only thing grounding me tonight is a CD of Russel Oberlin singing Händel.  His smooth vocal production is soothing.  S.B. and C.S. have stopped responding to my texts.  I’ve really gone and done it now.  

Quitting Lunesta!

 I just couldn’t stand it anymore!  I was up till early this morning unable to sleep, afraid of what the Lunesta might do.  I gave up at 3:30 and took it and fell asleep before it kicked in- I think!  Crazy dreams ensued and I woke up at 11:30 a.m. feeling that falling into my own body feeling over and over again.  I got up and talked with my non-boyfriend for hours as usual.  I kept experiencing the sensation of starting the same moment in time over again from millisecond to millisecond though it SEEMED to be the normal progression of time it felt like I was stuck.  N3 picked me up and he and his gf and I went to Chili’s for a late lunch.  I didn’t dare drive myself.  While at the restaurant I felt that I was floating next to and along with my body which eased along as I walked to and from the bathroom.  I knew then that it was a good thing that I didn’t drive.  

I left a message for my case manager and then called the people who intervene between patients and their providers to get my side effect experiences to my Pdoc.  Soon after, I got a call from my case manager who said she’d gotten the message from Clinical Coverage that I’d called and said my Pdoc said to stop the Lunesta tonight for good and that she was putting me on Rozerem.  Just for seven days.  Apparently, it works with melatonin in your body.  Melatonin supplements have done nothing for me so I expect this will be the same but we’ll see.  Tonight, either way, will be long as I will be without any sleep aid at all.  

Lunesta - First Four nights.

More Lunesta drama.  I have been on it 5 days now.  My second night I didn’t sleep at all!  Was feeling antsy like I was wide awake during the day but TOO awake!  Conversely, I’ve been feeling like a sleep hangover and groggy like I’ve both slept too much yet not enough.  Still feeling the same, yet this evening I feel oddly drugged. Got up late because I laid down after I woke up and sort of fell back asleep. When I woke up at first, I felt groggy and lightheaded and queasy. I went to the bathroom because I thought I might vomit. However things calmed down but my mouth did begin to water like it does before you throw up. Around five p.m. I was feeling pleasantly dozey lying on the couch. No way could I sleep then or I’d be up at 1 a.m. for the rest of the morning or some time else just as horrifying.  Last night I had long, vibrantly vivid dreams.  Sometimes people have nightmares.  I hope that’s not me!

Lunesta

 I was put on Lunesta, a sleep hypnotic, on Friday, five days ago by my psych nurse practitioner.  I had to wait to pick it up until yesterday (Tuesday) and I took my first dose last night.

Well I fell asleep easily and stayed asleep till 3 a.m. when I woke up to use the bathroom. I stood up and stumbled wildly forward then sideways, falling and hitting my right arm and leg on the low table at the end of my bed ending up on the floor. My knee bent backwards too. My lower back is sore a bit. Luckily I just have a couple of bruises where I hit the table and my knee is alright. Next time, I’ll sit for a minute before I get up. I got back to sleep easily and slept till 8. I had a vivid dream about the kids being young again but that’s not uncommon.

Hope tonight goes better!