Losing My Housing (?)

This morning I was so anxious about possibly losing my housing. I had myself convinced that I had and that I'd get paperwork in the mail to this effect. I thought "I don't know where to go if I lose my housing!!" I was absolutely convinced of this. Mind you, nobody had said this but I thought it would happen anyway. I thought "I'll just take a bunch of pills. Tylenol or benedryl?" Then I thought "I'll just get N2 to take care of my mom's plants while theyre gone- while I'M gone!". And that was the plan. That was it. But then I got an email saying that was not the case! My prayers had been answered! Things were ok- are okay. But boy did I feel soothed by the idea that I had an out- even if I "failed" and ended up in the psych ward, that was better than this worry that *I* put myself through!

Not Really a Bipolar Post - Empty Nest

Feeling nostalgic and old. Watching videos of when my kids were very little- as in under 3 and one bit where I was pregnant with N3. To me I should live 2001 all over again. There were videos of me breastfeeding N2 and when N1 was 4 months old. I think I'm having a midlife crisis what with N3 having just moved out. It was just like yesterday that I saw that + hpt staring back at me with two bold pink lines. Im gonna try to go to bed earlier as I didnt get to sleep till after 3 last night.

I am also missing being married.  Why couldn't I stay the course?  That was 17 years ago that I got divorced.  Everybody's more than moved on but I am lonely.  No significant other to speak of.  It would be wonderful to have someone to help get through the days of normal life.  I have friends but it isn't the same.

This isn't really a bipolar post... But it is how I've been feeling.  I am not having bipolar symptoms which is good.  In fact, I've been really good lately!  I feel good.

I watched more of those videos tonight. One was my sister's senior vocal recital when she was 22. She was so good!! I cried watching! And I've never had that reaction to music before. I definitely didn't when I saw the recital live back then. I am also mourning the loss of my singing voice. Watching my sister sing so well made me think I could never sing like that back then and I still can't. My emotions are all over the place. There were more clips of my kids when they were little and me 5 months pregnant with N3. (Boy was I fat! Im probably fatter now!) I'm so sad and lonely. I've never lived alone and its only been two weeks!

I Have Bipolar Disorder But it Won't Have Me!

I don't feel good, I just feel normal.  I went off Seroquel (150 mg) slowly about 5 weeks ago.  I want to say I feel good because I do- but really I just feel normal.  Only thing Ive noticed is that I smile and tear up more easily but I think that's the normal me rather than the blunted me.  I know we all want to be "the real me" but what does that mean?  Is my normal real me the person I was before I was diagnosed or before I was put on psych meds?  It is NOT the manic me or the depressed me- that is the ABNORMAL me!  I'm talking about who I am at my core.  Who am I?  My body is screaming for me to get back to baseline as well- I have high blood pressure, prediabetes, high cholesterol, I'm overweight (formerly obese!) My liver is fat and I have cirrhosis of the liver which is not reversible- all from Zyprexa and Seroquel.  And this isn't even my entire list of medical "complaints"! Who is the normal me?    I have bipolar disorder but it won't have me!  Finally, its time to be proactive, not reactive!

EDITED to note: It's now 9/26/20 and I went back on 50 of Seroquel because I was having issues sleeping.  And actually, this past week, I've gone back to 150 because I get better sleep.  My body is still screaming at me, but I'm trying to lose weight to hopefully remedy all these medical issues.