Doctor's Visit, Choirs, Insomnia, Peter Schreier

I've decided that I'm not in a mixed state. I have a lot going on and that worries me.

I was up all night again last night. I watched Are You Being Served? all night again, too. Its just on my cell phone on Youtube but its good enough. I had the itchies too. I was up in time to go to see my primary doctor this morning for a check up. Lots of questions- including the big one: why did you overdose on all those pills? I just told her what I told people at the time: the pills told me to take them- flu shot, update scripts, etc. Turns out, I lost 12 pounds since I was in the hospital in September. Woah! Maybe its the Wellbutrin, but I've only been on that a week or a little more. My psych nurse's nurse asked me to call about the insomnia. She didn't seem to worried about it if that's the only thing that's bothering me about the new drug.

Yesterday, in choir, I was given a part in a quartet! (Alto) That was a happy thing. Now I need to practice. Its renaissance music, some of my favorite so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Still have Peter Schreier on the CD player. I'm sure my kids think I'll never get sick of it. I was looking up the director, Rudolf Mauersberger and some of the pieces he composed for the choir. (Dresden Kreuzchor.) Since these recordings were made in the late 1940's and early 1950's, the harmonies are the way the lines follow each other are interesting from soloist to choir and back again.

Maybe Mixed?

I want to lay down and listen to emotional music. Not just sad music, but "thick" full of large chords and singers whose spinning voices break through the barrier of time.

I also feel like I want nothing. I am sad. I have no money. We are running out of food. My disability decision, though it was said that its likely I'll get it, isn't here yet. I'm feeling down.

I want to write some sad- yea poignant!- choral music. It would get all these up and down emotions I have going at the same time.

I feel just this side of sad, the mania keeping me from crying or from becoming too overwhelmed. I have kept the manic side of the CD I just got playing for most of the day to keep me from dropping down into the depressed side of things.

I still see some hallucinations. Just flashes now, not as distinct as they were. I know I haven't had more than I'm supposed to.

I'm feeling depressed and like my life is out-of-control and for the first time all I could do hope that it will all be okay.

Part of that depressed feeling is a feeling of dread and bliss at the same time. Lots of energy but bad and sad thoughts. This is where they say a Mixed Episode can go bad because you have the low mood to contemplate suicide and the energy of mania to carry it out.

I changed the background and look of the blog today, by the way. I wanted a change. I find this pleasing, even though its a little rainy. Think of it as a nice Spring rain.

Wellbutrin Weekend

What a weekend. I'd started Wellbutrin for the first time on Friday morning. Saturday night, the kids were away, leaving the house to me. I went to bed and was wide awake. I put on Are You Being Served? and watched all night. I was wide awake and not tired in the least. I really like that show even though I've seen every episode a bazillion times. Every few seconds, I felt a little tingly itchy feeling. Scratch! ... Scratch! Scratch! It went on that way all night. I kept thinking my sheets had bedbugs or were filthy or both. (Formication.) Super imposed on this, someone came in and hit my bed really hard with their hands, when I wasn't paying attention. I heard it and felt it. This went on that way until 7 a.m. when I texted my ex-husband and said I wasn't going to make it to church. (We are in the choir together.) Insomnia is a side effect listed for Wellbutrin. I went to sleep around 11, thankfully, but it was 4:00 when I woke up. Great. Now I'd be up all night again.

Sunday evening, I washed my bedding, took a shower, put on fresh pajamas and tried to go to bed after some melatonin. I looked it up and the bug crawling sensation may be a version of akathisia. I thought that was uncontrolled muscle movements. I hate to tell my psych nurse practitioner because she might take me off the Wellbutrin. Last night, it didn't happen again, so I'm hopeful it was just a one-time thing. Today (Monday), too, I've been seeing hallucinations of animals- cats, dogs, lions. I have also felt very confused about things: what to do, what to do next... moment-to-moment things. I wanted to just shut down in a pod that would block out the world; and to this end, I felt overwhelmed by the paperwork that is due soon that I have to do. I did get it almost finished today. I just have to copy something, print something, and mail all of it.

Through it all, I've been listening to my new CD of Peter Schreier as a boy alto from the early 1950's. There are clips on Youtube and you can buy a copy of the CD on Amazon. That's kept me together this weekend- that and my kids. I took my eldest to Starbucks today and my youngest to Burger King yesterday. (I hadn't been there since I worked there in the early 90's!) It was his first time eating there. He said he enjoyed it so that was better than wasting the food.

Sunday into Monday, the all-night bug fest was closed. So was the bed slapping and insomnia.

Psych Nurse Prescribed Me Wellbutrin Today

The first time since going to the hospital, I was seated across from my psych nurse this morning. We talked about the hospital visit of course. I told her about my recent hallucinations- she was not impressed. The more we talked about me lately- unmotivated, sleeping all day, not much enthralls me, sex on Zoloft was a chore- the more she built her case that I'm depressed and we should try an anti-depressant. Not just any, but one unlike Zoloft (which I just went off) and Celexa, both of which have sent me into mania and have side effects in the past. We decided on Wellbutrin - which has a low incidence of sexual and other side effects. She asked me about any history of fainting; we decided there is none. I took my first dose around 11 taken in the morning. By one at lunch with friends, I felt a little dizzy. It passed though. I still feel overwhelmed by daily tasks. I'd rather sit in a sound pod and be surrounded by my favorite music for hours on end.

Hallucinating in Photographs

 Hallucinating in photographs This has happened before to me. A little bit ago, I was listening to some very nice soothing music. The person who uploaded it to Youtube added photos of the performers throughout. As I was listening to the 9-minute video, I watched the singers and their mouths moved. One boy's ear moved over. Its as if one boy was looking at me not just at the camera. When the whole choir showed up en mass, they all shuffled back and forth. Am I being creative, or are these hallucinations that others have too?

Disassociation at the Museums

It was Sunday yesterday. I had slept through church. Darn! My youngest son is new to the choir and supposed to be there at 8:45. We made it there just on time for a meeting he had with the other teens in the church.

It was a beautiful Fall day: Blue skies, lots of sun and a bit nippy. I headed out toward downtown, walking past the old landmarks until houses gave way to businesses. I called my dad. We were playing a bit of phone tag at first but I finally chatted with him for a few minutes about the long line at the grocery store he was in. Walking through downtown now, I darted past the other people on the street, ignoring them for the most part. I called my good girlfriend to catch up with her. Weren't we supposed to get together today? Maybe next week. Life's been hectic.

The phone beeped. "I think I have a text," I commented. Ending our conversation, I noticed a text from my youngest: The meeting was over. We talked for a bit until we saw each other down the street headed toward each other. What to do? We went to the record store which sells used LP's tapes and CD's. He found a few pieces of sheet music to play on the piano. The winner was Mozart, a composer he hasn't played much of.

We got hungry so got some snacks at the downtown drugstore. Sat on a wall to eat them and decided to go to the art museum. There is always a $10 donation but we had very little money so we walked past the see-through box full of raggedly-laid green. Walking along, I felt my feet weren't on the ground. I was floating above it. As we looked at each painting and statue, the details were so vibrant. My son and I discussed in detail just how each work was put together. The museum was quite live and so I began to sing quietly, reveling in my voice being lifted literally up- a tune from an album sung by girl tenor Ruby Helder. The world around me was like those paintings: I could feel I was inside them but mostly I was in an outside world looking in.

After N had had his fill, we walked back toward the shops and turned down the road that the natural history museum lives. They were building a new home for it right next door - mirrored glass and wood. It won't open until 2018. Inside, it was a special day where various experts laid out displays on tables including opossum and skunk. Each was vibrantly soft or scratchy. I felt them from one side of the table to the other. Who else knew how a skunk feels? All of this strangeness only added to my surreal feeling- every hair meeting my hands and singing to me. People were everywhere which only heightened my feeling that they were in a different dimension on top of mine- a film playing out on a translucent form.

We finally walked back to the car as it was almost five o'clock. We made a stop to fill my tires and then went on to Panera to meet a friend to eat and chat. My medications are still messed up so I called an after-hours nurse to discuss this. She suggested I totally redo the box! I also texted my day to my friend S. He's such a warm listening ear and friend. I don't know of anyone else whom I can tell my troubles to that won't judge me or run away no matter what.

Case Manager Just Asked if I Am Suicidal

I just talked with my case manager on the phone. I just saw her two days ago. She said I called my nurse and said I am feeling sui again. I totally don't remember this!! I remember talking to the nurse to say I was feeling impulsive. I said my meds have been messed up. I TRY to fill the boxes correctly but when I open each compartment they are just wrong with double pills or missing pills. I have paperwork to fill out- tons of it for section 8 renewal and the apartment complex wants something similar but my case manager is going to help me. Right now I am waiting for a person to show up to go through my apartment and inspect it. At least I got it clean. My eldest son and two of his friends came over and deep cleaned! So I was acting suicidal and don't even remember that. Brain gone bad. Why? You can get your meds put in blister packs at some pharmacies. I might try that.

I've got a copy of all my psych records

As part of my disability case, a copy of my psych records was sent to my lawyer. Interestingly, they also sent me a copy. I randomly pulled a page out. It was the trip to the psych ER where I thought everybody were aliens and they could read my mind. The doctor"s dictation of talking to me is interesting. I wonder if the whole file is that interesting. Is my blog that way too? I guess I seem crazy in my file. Oh well. Better for my disability case. We just added my notes from my last hospital stay to my SSDI file. I hope it helps!