Before Diagnosis

Its pretty common to not get diagnosed bipolar until later in life. I was 33. Prior to this, I had been diagnosed with depression- mostly ante-partum and post-partum depression during and after my three pregnacies. After my first trimester each time, I was put on Zoloft, an anti-depressant. This seemed to help the depressive thoughts. Howevever, right after the birth of my third (Sept 2001), I was having some pretty bad intrusive thoughts. In the shower one day with my 2-year-old daughter, as I was washing her hair, I saw my hands crushing her skull, the bones breaking under my force, the blood and brain material oozing.... One day, I had driven to the mall with the kids. On the way, I'd had visions of driving the car into on-coming traffic. It was so vivid that I found a payphone and called my mom to come get me. We ended up at my sister's apartment. None of these things phased my psychiatrist at the time. She was supposedly "big" into post-partum depression, too. My OB/GYN, however, was concerned, because a few months earlier there had been a story of Andrea Yates having post-partum psychosis and drowning all of her children. When I'd called my psychiatrist with these symptoms, her only response was to keep my on the Zoloft. Knowing what I know now, I think this fell way short.

Another episode happened after my daughter's birth in 1999. I was sitting in the bathroom looking out the window. I saw orange rectangles in the sky! I looked out and then back into the bathroom. No orange rectangles in the bathroom- only outside. I thought there were alien spaceshipts outside! I called my husband in who told me that there was nothing odd outside. Still, noone found this episode strange.

At age sixteen, I asked to be taken to a psychiatrist. I knew something wasn't right. It was in the way I was thinking, as I recall. My thought patterns were different, I thought. Also, at times, I'd have episodes of screaming at people- screaming at the top of my lungs- so much so that you couldn't understand what I was saying.The psychiatrist had argyle socks and was very "Freudian" in his ways. He told me I was a normal teenager! I was upset at the way he wrote everything down yet didn't talk back to me.

A few years later, I saw another psychiatrist. I looked out the window a lot of the time because I didn't want to be there. She decided I had what amounted today to be ADD. Still, we got not diagnosis. And, like before, I knew something was wrong, yet we got no closer to a bipolar diagnosis. Still, it was one or two appointments and that was it.

In early 1999, when I was early pregnant with my daughter, I went to see a different psychiatrist as we were living in a new state at the time. I described how I was feeling- how I was thinking. I thought some of it stemned from being a child of an alcoholic. I even went to see a specialist in this. But all I was told was that I was normal! This psychiatrist looked me straight in the face and told me I was "normal". I know for certain that bipolar was creeping up and I was confused. So confused! When you're not diagnosed, the symptoms of bipolar can just look like you like to shop or that you are very happy or that you- as happened to me once- lay on the bed catatonic all day.

People can suffer for many years before they are diagnosed and treated for bipolar. They are often diagnosed as having depression and put on antidepressants which can put them into a hypomanic or manic state. They are often overlooked, so that dangerous states can happen, like wanting to drive into on-comming traffic. It takes many years to get diagnosed and then the medications tweaked to a theraputic level. And even then there are breakthrough episodes, as evidenced by my recent manic episode. Here's to all those suffering.

Guilty

I feel guilty a lot. Like I don't do enough. Or am not good enough. Or like everything is my fault. It happens a lot at night. Maybe when that's when I have more time to think. I just took a long, early nap and am feeling that way. I woke up from the nap and its only 8 p.m. Now will I be up late or go to bed on time? I feel like people are going to be angry with me. I'm not sure about what. Whatever bad that I did. Right now, I'm watching "Golden Girls". I'm sure I suck. I want donuts. I didn't have dinner. I saw two friends today. That was okay. I am guilty of being a bad person. Should I have some Ativan? Or should I stay up tonight watching tv? My recorded shows are going to run out. I know I don't spend enough time with my kids; I didn't today. Tomorrow they have the day off school again. What to do? I have laundry to do. I should clean. I just am bad at getting things done. I did take my youngest to an arcade recently. We played on that dance dance revolution knock off game. He loves that game. The arcade is closed for the season now as its also mini golf. I don't do "life" in general very well. I am in a financial mess. Is that a bipolar thing? I'm sitting here in the dark typing this. Cursor is going blink blink blink. I saw a friend today who just seems to ogle me, rather than love me. Another friend seems to love me in a nice, close friendship way. Both went to coffee with me today. Maybe I'll be more productive tomorrow.

Age & Memory

I found out that I have bipolar at age 33. This is true for a lot of people: They aren't diagnosed until later in life. Three weeks ago, I had a manic episode. About a year before that, I had another manic episode. Each presented itself differently, but still they were classified as manic episodes. How long did it feel between episodes? Not long! I am now 41. It seems I was just diagnosed with bipolar 1. But its been 8 years. How can that be? As we age, a year becomes a smaller proportion of our total life lived, and so it seems to go by more quickly. When I was 10, the years seemed to go by slowly, so that every Christmas was new and fun. This year, Christmas is coming up again in two months and I distinctly remember my friend coming to visit and our sitting together by the fire and talking the day away this past Christmas. The phrase, "I remember it like it was yesterday" is often used because of the splicing phenomenon where as we age one year becomes a smaller and small portion of your life. We also become better at remembering things and we have more memories in general to recall on, so this makes it seem like the event was closer to us.

At the same time, one of the reasons I keep this blog is so that I don't forget the events that I go through relating to bipolar. The further one gets from an event, the easier it is to distort that event in one's memory. It gets thinned out and changed as time goes by. If you were to ask me, for example, about my manic episode this past month, I could tell you that I wanted to play in traffic and that I thought angels were talking to me and that the sun was giving me messages, but the details of that would be gone. This happens to everybody, more or less, but this blog is a good way for me to remember how I was feeling at the time; not only that but its a good way to remember how I was thinking. In the long run, it can tell me how I was feeling from month to month and year to year, from manic episode to manic episode and everything in between. When I go back and read older entries, I think, "Aha! I remember that!" My hope is that others can learn from my candid entries, as I keep a record of my moods and thoughts. Maybe, in time, I can also learn from my past and avert an episode when similar symptoms arise.

Also, some of the medications can affect memory, like Topomax, but that gets better over time. I had a period of time where I had a terrible time with my short term memory; I would go to do something and immediately forget what it was. What's more, I would go to write down what I was going to do and forget what it was before I could write it down! It got really bad for a while and was quite annoying. I had a hard time functioning because the second I thought of something to do, it was gone.

So some of it is getting older, some of it is normal sense of time and some of it is side effects of medications.

Dear Bipolar

Dear bipolar,

You are my best friend. We are one.

The separation between us is none.

You give me messages through the sun.

You come and go,

But are never done.

Alice in Wonderland Syndrome

Yes, I know I refer to Alice in Wonderland a lot here, but this is a real syndrome. I'm not sure that its specifically a bipolar thing, but it does deal with altered states of mind and I was thinking of it this evening so I thought I'd write about it.

One day- maybe last year, maybe two years- I went into the bathroom. As I stood in front of the toilet, I gradually began to feel as if the toilet were very far down- very far away. As I continued to stare, it appeared as though I had grown very very tall- maybe ten feet tall! I kept standing there, looking down from on high. My arms felt longer. My legs felt longer, too. An overwhelming sensation of leaning over the toilet from way up on high filled me- maybe even a feeling of floating above everything. There were no Skittles to eat, and no rabbit to talk with. The sensation lasted several minutes. I don't remember coming down- literally- from this. I only felt like I had turned into Alice in that tiny little room after eating or drinking the food with a little note on it. I have since read that this is a real syndrome and that sometimes they can be precursers to migraines, though I felt no pain or nausea at the time.

Edit: Since I've written this, I've showed it to people on a bipolar board I belong to online. Many of them say they've experienced the same thing, albeit one said it was on LSD. One relayed having hands really big while driving, dwarfing her steering wheel. Another said it was while she was manic. I can't remember if my episode was while manic. I would have to say that I don't think it was; it was several years ago, and my definite manic episodes were just a few weeks ago and a year ago.

Bipolar Research Study 2

So today was the yearly bipolar study. This was my fifth year. Some people have been in as long as seven. I was there from about 9 until 12:30. There were lots of "games" to play. Some were fun like the Wisconsin Card Sorting Test. In this game, are given five cards with various numbers of colored symbols. You try to match them without having gotten any rules. You are only told "correct" or "incorrect". Just as you get a few in a row "correct", you begin to get more "incorrect" again! The rules change on you. So you may have been matching numbers of symbols on the cards, but now you're matching colors. You have to adapt and figure this out. I think its a fun game! There were other games like letters flashing on a screen and every time you saw an "x", "y", or "z" you were to press the "n" key. And then, you weren't to press it if it showed up twice in a row. Same for another game where there wer various numbers of boxes on a screen. Inside was a blue square. You could find the squares by clicking on the boxes. Your job was to remember where you'd already been and empty the boxes quickly. Then there was remembering lists of things. Of course, my memory got worse as the time went by. When we started, I was showed fifty pages with one drawing of an item, like a park bench or an ice cream cone on each. I was just told to remember them. Then, we went through them again but this time, there was another item on the page with it and I had to say which item was on the original list. This was much easier for me than just remembering lists of words by sound. (We did this, also. With that I had to recall and recite.) I just had to point to the item that did or did not belong to the original 50 items. In fact, throughout this whole exercise, I didn't get one item wrong! And we did it a couple of sets worth, too! There was a test which the object was to identify the emotion in the person's voice. We did this with a tape recorder- the clinition commented on how "old" the machine was! I had to point to either "happy", "sad", "angry", "neutral" or one more I can't remember right now. I also did something similar with a computer with faces flashed quickly at me.

All-in-all, it was a fun time for what it was. Oh, and I got blood drawn, too. I tried to ask what some of the prelimary results were, but they said they're only now starting to get some after 7 years into the study. I know that they are using our genes to see if there is a component and that as of Sept. 2013, there are 927 enrolled. A newletter I got about the study states, "The Heinz C. Prechter Bipolar Genetics Repository and Longitudinal Study of Bipolar Disorder were launched in 2006 and remain the flagship project. The Logitudinal Study will follow individuals over the course of 10 years with the goal of identifying potential illness patterns in bipolar disorder." More at Prechterfund.org

Nothing Much & Old Friends

Nothing much has been going on the last few days. Having access to posting all the time really makes me wonder just what is there to post! I saw S.B. yesterday for the first time in a year and three months. It was really very nice.It was nice to talk with an old friend- a worn-in friendship. Comfortable. We said we'd have to get together a lot sooner than a year plus next time. We've known each other for 7 years. It hardly seems possible. He's one I can always talk to about my bipolar and not fear that he's going to run away, as he's got a doctorate in behavioral pharmacology.

I said nothing much has been going on, but I guess I meant in terms of bipolar. The new dose of Zyprexa has kicked in and the intrusive thoughts are at bay for the time being. Haven't had one in several days, anyway. I've been enjoying my new tablet still and am using it to type this, which was its intended purpose. When I have the need to post here, I need to be able to post at the time and not wait to borrow a computer like before. Its amazing that I could borrow one as often as I posted when manic, recently. Tomorrow, I go for the yearly bipolar study appointment. That should last about three hours, they said. I really don't get paid that much, considering, but then again, I just answer the questions honestly about how I've been feeling and what my experiences have been. This year, I've been manic, so there will be something to tell about! Last year, I said something similar- that I'd been hospitalized then too and wasn't it great that there would be so much to tell them! They were not amused and couldn't see why I'd see that as a bonus. Ha! I still see that I'll have more to talk about this year what with having been manic and hospitalized. I'm sure they'll just tell me that mania is not a joke. Har har.

I have also been posting quite a lot on a bulletin board for bipolar people. Its part of a larger forum for mental health. I have noticed that I've been more active, as I keep hitting refresh to see if there are any new posts or any new replies. I don't know what that's about. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I'm a bit hypomanic? Its like the board isn't going quickly enough for me. Oh- and about typing into this blog, when I was using the virtual keyboard that came with the tablet, the keyboard took up all but a skinny line for where the text showed up! Now, with the external keyboard, I can see a huge square in which to type. Much better!

Research Study

For about five years now, I've been involved in a longitudinal bipolar research study at a local university. They take blood and study your genetics and ask many questions over several hours at this yearly visit. There are plenty of "games" to "play" that involve remembering grocery lists and finding patterns. At the first visit, they got a lot of history, like when you first hallucinated and what other symptoms may have shown up when.  During the year, about every other month, they send you a stack of papers to answer questions about how you've been feeling recently. Its very boring, but you get paid about $15 for about 15 minutes of work. They pay you when they see you at the end of the year office visit, including for that office visit. I'm not sure when they will find the results as the study has been going on for at least 5 years that I know of. They have off-shoot studies like teen children of people with bipolar. My younger son signed up for that. I hope its not too difficult for him or that he decides to quit mid-study. If I have more to say next week after my study visit, I will update this entry.

Missing Angels

I'm sitting here writing with the external keyboard looking at the tablet I bought feeling like I hate myself. I'm not sure why. I wrote an email to another friend today that I hadn't heard from in a long time. I'll be anxious to hear from him. I just feel anxious right now. Ativan? Its at home. So its just me and the anxiety. Besides, my pdoc didn't want me to take it too often. I haven't had any in a few days. I don't keep it in my purse. Its not like I get high from it; I just get a bit more calm.

So its me and the anxiety. Maybe its because I heard from my dad on the phone this afternoon and he doesn't sound too great. He's still sick and has been for at least a month. Maybe I just don't have anything to do. I have this blog to type into and nothing to say! What the heck! When I was manic, I had everything in the world to say. I do miss that part of being manic: the creativity. (There's a man sitting near me who looks homeless and more than that keeps coughing this terrible cough. I hope its not catching!) I really feel like the angels are missing. I want them back. I really do. Please come give me messages again. Come sing to me. I could play In Paradisum again, I suppose. Lately, I've been listening to Allegri's Miserere which has been a favorite piece of mine since I was 16. I've heard many renditions, but this is the newest. I am partial to boy choirs singing it, but these women do a very nice job, especially the top soloist. These angels will have to suffice. All the angels from the past recordings are in my mind singing, "Have mercy upon me..." I still hate myself, but this music calms me. I'll never sing like these people. I'm too out-of-practice and, frankly, too old, but I can still listen. The hate feelings are still there and I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. Angels come to me. Where are you? Where where where are you? Comfort me again. Tell me that everything is right in the world. That I am invincible. That I am okay. That you are waiting for me. Come back. Come back to me and give me that blissful feeling of warmth. Wrap yourself around me and protect me. I know everything and am everything when you are with me. Return again and sing your seraphim selves as one, enveloping me and taking me with you, rising up, up and up.

Follow Up

Today I have my follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. That's not for two more hours, though. In the meantime,I'm at Starbucks kind of bored. How can I be bored with my new tablet? I don't know! This post will get edited once I've seen my psychiatrist. I will have to tell her about the disappearing cat and the intrusive thoughts. Its supposed to be a follow-up from my hospital stay. I can't guess what she will say. Maybe up my medication yet again?

I wrote an email to a long-time (10 years) pen-pal today. That felt good. It was about how I've been doing the last month though so we'll see what he thinks. Last time I wrote him, he said he didn't know my bipolar was that bad to have had hallucinations. He seemed concerned. Now after telling him the very brief version of my latest mania episode, I think he'll be even more worried. But he and I have quite a close bond so I'm not too worried about it. I think he'll know I'm doing what I should be. I'll be interested to see what he replies, as always.

Well, it wasn't as exciting as I thought. She just said if the intrusive thoughts get to be actual plans then call.She said I seem a lot more calm than when she talked to me the day I went to the hospital. I think the fact that I can push the thoughts away means that I shouldn't worry about them. They are annoying, though. And graphic! I tried to relay this to my dr but she just said that they weren't that bad unless I was making plans to actually carry them out. She's also having a baby, which is why my last psychiatrist left, though she assured me she's coming back after she has the baby. We decided to stay on this dose of Zyprexa for now, too. She mentioned increasing it, but not yet. She thinks decreasing it three months ago was the cause of my hospitalization- in part, at least.

So for now, I guess I continue to be annoyed by the visions. I'm not sure she knows just how vivid they actually are. She tried to ask me if I want to carry them out. When i think of them, I do, but at the same they just play and are gone.

Visions

I keep having intrusive thoughts. I am hallucinating now too. The visions of stabbing myself won`t go away. They are here every day. I try to ignore them but they just play. The hallucinations are visual.... of a cat walking by. This is beginning to get out of control. Someone asked me how I'm doing since being out of the hospital. Truth is I'm better but not. Different issues. I know I see my pdoc tomorrow so thats good. Then tomorrow night I take my son to a sleep study and I have to sleep there too.

I still...

I still want to impale myself. It starts off as a dull feeling as the knife hits resistance then it quickly slides in as resistance lets go. Only this time, I do it two and three times. I am weak. I fall. The metal clangs loudly on the floor. Nobody seems to care about these visions. I see my psych dr tomorrow.

Another unexpected Hallucination

As I was sitting in the school office waiting for my son it happened: A black cat dashed at my feet and underneath the chair next to me. Poof! It disappered! Another unexpected hallucination.

Intrusive Thoughts Worse

I'm having many more intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself. I think it's because I feel stressed because I had my foodstamps cut off. I was supposed to get a call the morning I went to the hospital but I missed it. I don't know how because I was staring at the phone the whole time. The intrusive thoughts are worse tonight. Maybe some Ativan will help. I just will get skinny now. Me who just bought a computer. Don't hate. I hate myself enough. Bad intrusive thoughts! Triggers. They let me out of the hospital with these thoughts. I guess I could call the psych ER.

EDIT: I called the psych ER which transfered me to the psych unit I was on which retransferred me to the psych ER. All I was told was to take Ativan, but not two pills, just one. Nobody seemed to care too very much. But here's what plays in my mind: I have a long kitchen knife in my hand. Quickly, from below, I dart with one smooth motion, up and under my ribs. The impact is sharp, then dull as it presses through the layers. Its strangely satisfying. It hits the inner side of my left ribs as it tears my lung and heart. There is blood. Lots and lots of blood. I feel numb. My hands are covered. I drop the knife.

The Night Before

The night before. I'd forgotten about this until I saw a text I'd written to a friend about it.

The night before I went into the psych hospital, I had police at my door. They wanted to know if everything was alright. They seemed to think I was okay, to look at me. I was calm. Collected. If they only knew! If they only knew where my mind had been that day- where it would be the next day! They asked to talk to another family member to make sure I'd be okay through the night. That was that. I think I skated by that one.

I hadn't called the police. It was an online friend that I've never met several states away! He didn't like how I was behaving, I guess, that day. He asked me weird questions like, "What's your middle name?" and "What's your phone number?" I was mad when I found out why he wanted to know! I thought he was being friendly and was going to phone me! (He reads this blog, so, "Hi!") I was mad at him for a few hours. Who needs police at their door? I certainly didn't think I did! I mean, I was fine! I was manic. Ha!

Anyway, that was "the night before". Nothing really major happened. They just talked with me for five minutes and then left. I'd just forgotten to blog about it what in scramble the next day going to the ER then being admitted.

I Did it. Still Manic?

The day I went into the hospital, I went shopping for a tablet computer with keyboard. I managed to resist buying one. But just now, I ordered one from Amazon.com. I don't know if that means there's still some manic in me or not. I just had a lot of money in my account from being in the hospital and not being able to spend it so I thought, "Heck! Why not?" So I did. I got a Galaxy Tab 3 with an external keyboard. Now should I feel buyer's remorse? I'm still too high to care. Its coming in the mail inside a week and I'm excited. I won't have to borrow my friend's laptop anymore to type into this blog, or emails or Facebook. I don't know if there is a port for uploading anything. Should've looked. Here is a page showing the case with the tablet. I hope its a good little tablet and the keyboard is easy to type on.

Leaving today/Meeting. (Day 10)

Nothing much going on except groups. There is to be a meeting today at 2:30 with my mom and possibly K. He's not too thrilled about coming. In fact, he hasn't even said he will. He just mumbled and hemmed and hawed at me. Apparently, going to his mother's is much more important. The dr's want him there as support and to make sure people will be around me to keep me safe, I guess. We shall see what happens. Off to another group....

Edit: I had the meeting. K was there. I was so happy he showed up. The meeting wasn't as bad as I thought. Mostly getting my mom and K to understand just what mania is and how I was when I was admitted. How they could many catch the symptoms before they get too bad. I still don't see how they could do this as a lot of them are part of my normal personality! An example that was brought up was before I went inpatient, I was out at K-Mart with K. We were in the camping section. I stared, way down the isle. I threw my arms out and exclaimed, "BUY ME A THERMOS!!" He actually went and looked at the price! My mom said that she wouldn't have thought twice because this is just my personality. K also said that I also seem more manic when I asked to use his laptop more often to post on this blog. (Of course, how do you know? I'm typing on it right now!) I was prescribed about a week's worth of various drugs, none of which are new to me so I don't understand that, but I picked them up anyway. The only thing that is new is the double dose of Zyprexa and I have plenty of that left over from when I was picking up the double dose but only taking the single several months back. One thing I don't understand is that my diagnosis at discharge was bipolar 297.7 which is just "bipolar unspecified", when they specifically said I had "bipolar manic". One of the doctors said maybe one sign of mania for my friends and relatives might be if I start cleaning my room or start a bunch of projects. That wasn't what happened this time. I did blog a lot, though, and somewhere deep inside me I still believe those posts: Somewhere, I still want to buy a computer tablet. They haven't gone away. What I typed is still part of me. Still very much me.

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-BOUNCY! BOUNCY! BOUNCY!

I can't sit still!! Hands, feet, up, down, round and round and round and round.... This is the first time since being admitted. I don't know where it came from. The nurse just gave me double the dose of Ativan. We'll see if it does anything as its usually the dose I take at home. Then again, I haven't had it in a while. I also am having those intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself. They are vivid visions of taking a knife to my abdomen from below. They just play. I'm not actively sad, or mad, or thinking that I want to die. I guess they are just taking care of both birds with one (two) stones.

Edit: An hour later, and now the bouncing has stopped. I'm really mellow and want to go to sleep. Sitting here, I could just melt into the chair. And I would, too, if I weren't chatting with a few friends on Facebook right now. I'll have to cut that short and put on my PJ's and slip into bed.

Fall! Flung? Spring! Sprung? (Day 9)

Today my meeting with "the Bobs" consisted of them telling me they might spring me outta this place tomorrow! They did mention the step-down place, but they seemed to act like I could just go home from here after they talk with my mom. (They did the same thing last year. This year, however, I'm not nervous about it like I was before.) So that should be Thursday: Day 10. They said the step-down place wasn't convinced that I would be safe not to just run away from their house. They said I said this. I totally didn't and don't remember saying this. Heh- who knows: Maybe I would've run away. Somehow I doubt it, but you never know. Is it THAT bad? What kind of house is it, anyway? A really nice house, or a run-down place that hasn't been updated since the '70's with wood panneling and olive green and orange decore?

I made a frog sun catcher today. I think I'm going to give it to my aunt as she loves frogs. Its spots are blue and yellow. Not realistic, but its cool anyway. We went to the gym again and played shuffle board which was tied for the score. I'm not bad at it, if I must say. I did sleep through one of my groups: the first one. I just felt really tired this morning.

Its going to be hard to transition back to regular life, but at least tonight my friend, K, is coming to see me. We will get coffee together as usual when I get back out. We've got a new puppy at home that I haven't yet seen so I'll be looking forward to seeing it, but not to cleaning up after it. One good thing about this is that I haven't spent any money for 10 days. Part of that though, is I haven't been able to pay my phone bill so my phone is dead as a doornail in my cubby here at the hospital. I'll have to go pay it when I first get out.

I worry about relapsing, but everybody seems to think I'm okay so far. They keep talking about watching my symptoms go downhill and not letting them get so bad next time. The problem is that they get bad so gradually that you don't see that they are bad until they are pretty bad and you call for help when they are pretty bad but you don't get a doctor to call you back or a psych-ER nurse to believe you until they are really bad. In fact, the psych-ER nurse never believed me. It was my psychiatrist who finally called me back a day later and believed what I was telling her about walking into traffic and flying off balconies. That's when she said to drive myself to the hospital or she'd call an ambulance. I knew the Fall was doing to be a bad time for me, but I didn't know how and I didn't know when. Now I know. I just hope the bandaid of doubling my Zyprexa is going to be enough.

Step Down? (Day 8)

They were going to send me to a "step-down" place called "Crisis Residential". Its a house where you stay that still doles out meds. You have to be safe enough not to run away, though. Its in town. They interviewed me earlier this afternoon and decided that I'm not okay to go there so I'm here for another two days and then they're reassess. However, I get to go off the unit to the cafeteria in the hospital to eat with my mom tonight. Woohoo, I guess, right?

This might be due to the face that I told them I'd had visions of stabbing myself. This is not new to me, but to them it may be a big deal. Ha! They also just took my temperature and it was 99.2. Its elevated a bit. Wonder if I'm coming down with something. Usually, I run low in the 97's. Also, if I do go to the Crisis Residential place, I wonder if they'll have a computer so I can blog. I'll go into withdrawl without a way to vent!

Of Two Minds (Day 7)

I just had another meeting with "the Bobs". They wanted to know if they broke open a window from here (9 floors up) would I fly out. I told them I'd fly for a moment but then fall. They asked what about one storey up- like the balcony I wrote about here at Meijer- and I said I might. I said I'm of two minds: One says I can and the other says I can't. They said they want to send me to a step-down house or something instead of keeping me here. They can give me my meds but its not as strict of a place. They also said they want to make me a "level 1" here so I can go to the gym or go on walks outside with supervision. The one doctor kept laughing at me. I don't see anything funny. They increased my heparin shots from 1 to 2 a day. I told them my thoughts have gone from a stereo sound dial on 9 down to a 2 or 3: Still there, but very quiet. They mentioned putting me on another drug. That's all they said. I forgot to ask what and when. I'm not sure about going somewhere else. I need to call my case worker about recertification. Ugh. I missed the phone call the day I came in here; actually, they were late calling by over an hour or two and then my phone wasn't able to work here; I don't know who my case worker is. I'm hoping the papers I copied can be found because the info is on there. I know for sure its not here. Plus my phone never got paid - it was due on the 2nd- so even if it wasn't locked up downstairs, nobody can can get ahold of me.

Social/They Aren't Happy with Me (Day 6)

My ex-husband and youngest son came to visit me today. I got hugs from my son. That was so nice! Also, my friend, C, came to see me, as well as K (again). All and all, it was a very nice social day.

I had a migraine, though, and its still not totally gone, even though I got two Immitrex. Dinner is in a few minutes; maybe that will help.

I'm still on "ward" status. That basically is "level zero" even though they don't call it that. That means I have to stay on the floor here and not allowed to leave at all- not even with supervision. That also maybe translates into how soon I might get out of here. I'm not sure, because the last time I was here I don't remember getting moved up and levels and I obviously left.

I also got a shower and am doing laundry. I feel very refreshed! I will read more of my book tonight. I filled out some papers that are required before you leave about what your plans are when you are out for the first 48 hours. Maybe that is a sign? Maybe they are getting ready to let me go? I really don't know. I just know that unless I can say 110% that the thoughts of flying are gone, they aren't happy with me.

On a happier note, we are having another movie, tonight! "Red" with Morgan Freeman. Should be good. There will be popcorn, too!

Uncharted Territory (Day 6)

Dr. C just pulled me out of Music Therapy to have a meeting. This isn't unusual- they do this to everybody every so often. He asked me if I thought I could fly still. This must be some sort of mental trick to wear you down to agreeing with them; nurses and doctors keep asking me this every time they see me. "People can't fly..." etc. I told him I'd tell him what he wanted to hear if I could get out of here faster. He didn't like that answer, either! "How high would I have to jump from a balcony to be able to fly?" he wanted to know. Six floors? One floor? He asked if I were still getting messages from the sun. He drew a picture of the sun which reminded me of the Teletubbies sun. He wanted to know if I thought I were like Superman- invincible. Maybe that's it, though I don't remember thinking that I was Superman, at the time. Just that I never saw much bad happening to me. I told him I think the Zyprexa is slowing my brain down some, but that I still remember what I was thinking when I wanted to walk into traffic and when I wanted to fly and even though I might know I can't do those things I still believe in them somehow. The duality is still there.

I've been reading my book. Today is slow. We had stretching group and music therapy and that's it. That was fun. Two friends are supposed to visit, too. I hope they do. Today is day Six. Longer than I was here last time. I'm in uncharted territory.

Not My Fault (Day 5)

My nurse just came in my room to take my vitals etc. and made me cry! She asked me if I want to die, again. She asked if I thought I could fly. She asked if I thought I could walk into traffic and did I want to die from that. We talked about my kids. That's what made me cry. She said none of this is my fault. That mania just takes over my brain.

I just talked to my ex-husband. He's bringing the kids to see me tomorrow! Yay.

I still feel slowed down. My head hurts, but that's going away with coffee and Tylenol. My typing is fast, though! You can't tell that by reading this, though. hehe

Otherwise, I am still reading a book I found here, Carrie. I am completely bored unless on the computer. I invited my friend, K, to come see me, but he said he'd come by tomorrow. Oh well. Another friend, S.B., said he'd come see me today but he hasn't answered his phone. That's made me disappointed.

What My Dad Said (Day 4)

My dad is one of the few people who reads this blog regularly. Just a few days ago he said, "I love reading ur blog...love the way u write...your written 'voice' is wry to-the-point,ascerbic and cool!" How awesome is that?!

I Was Interesting, Darn it! (Day 4)

I've been sleeping most of the day away. I did go to two groups, but otherwise I've been reading Carrie by Stephen King or sleeping. It's 7:15 now and I'm half wanting to go back to bed and half thinking I've slept too much. Maybe I'll ask for more pajama bottoms as the ones I have are dirty. I think I'm infinitely here. I called my daughter as its her 14th birthday. They were out to dinner with her dad and grandpa and brothers.

I'm still looking out the windows here thinking of flying out. Its such a peaceful thought.

My dreams have been fun.

They keep coming in my room and giving me lots of Skittles, inhalers, and giving me a shot of Heparin. And they keep asking if I want a nicotine patch! How many times do I have to tell them I don't smoke? Maybe they think I'm lying. Maybe all bipolar people smoke? I don't know.

I think I'm going to be here forever. And I think I'm boring now that I'm on higher meds. Puh. I was interesting manic, darn it!

Wylie Coyote (Day 4)

A doctor just came by to check on me. He asked if I could fly still. He said I'd just fall and die. I told him no but maybe I could hover there for a bit before I fell and hurt myself. He didn't believe it. He says I still need to be on the Zyprexa. Ha. Like they were gonna let me off of it anyway. Then I said it was like Wylie Coyote. Hahaha. Oh well. This is turning into a weird mind-warp.

Clean is Amazing!!! / Doesn't make Sense (Day 3)

I got a shower! It felt amazing! I got new clean clothes. They feel amazing! I got to use my own shampoo and conditioner and hair tonic. They felt amazing! In short: I feel amazing!

I've gotten two heparin shots today. Its good because my INR has been low and the place I normally get it checked wouldn't run it because my "standing order" had run out! So they'd risk another clot?? I don't know what I'm going to do when I get out of here to fix this either. Yes I know- I don't want to die by blood clot, but I wanted to run into traffic and jump off a balcony. Doesn't make sense.

Sleepy (Day 3)

Today I've only been to one group. Then I've been to breakfast and lunch but nothing else. I've just been sleeping. Now the groups are over. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. They haven't said anything to me. I just have been so tired. I don't even remember what my dreams were. I'm beginning to feel I don't need to be here but they talk about sending me to another place that isn't a hospital but that will still dole out my meds and that I'll sleep there. I need a shower. My mom might be coming for a visit later with shampoo and new clothes. I got my heparin shot. I feel like getting some more milk then getting back in bed and reading.

Like a Zombie! (Day 3)

It's only 9:15 a.m. and I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. I have a group starting in fifteen minutes- morning stretch group. I have an hour between groups, I think, so I might try to sneak in a nap.

My INR is low, so they said they are going to give me a shot of Lovenox at some point. Apparently, I got three times the dose of Zyprexa in the last 24 hours because of the "PRN" (as needed) dose that I got plus the new dose.

They keep asking how I'm feeling. Like a zombie! That's how I'm feeling! So I could just sleep the day away. I did talk with two of my good friends, SB and TH-P. They are great! They love me. I wish they were closer.

My mom is supposed to be bringing me some clothes and my shampoo and conditioner. Then I can get a shower. That will be nice!

I need to fill out my food choices list for tomorrow.

I think manic is more fun. I'd rather be manic than drugged like this. I'm feeling disappointed. I told them I wasn't feeling any negative feelings but I guess that's one. Disappointed. I did start reading a book. There's that. Not that I'll probably be able to finish it while I'm here.

Voluntary? - (Day 2)

I was just told that I had originally been admitted as involuntary. This means that I'd have to go before a judge. However, they'd changed their minds, and had my sign a paper that I'm here voluntarily. Now I hear I shouldn't have signed that? Gah! I don't know which is better! Now I'm nervous. I hate this!!

Its right before bed and I had coffee. I'm a little bit more awake- right at bedtime, right? Maybe I'll just feel like regular bedtime now not extra-drugged feeling.

My friend just visited me for a short bit. That was nice. I might make a phone call soon. I don't know what else to say.

The rabbit feels up and down at the same time and is confused and a bit angry.

Med Change (Day 2 Still)

They just informed me that they're taking my Zyprexa back up from 5 mg to 10 mg. Just where I was before. Ugh. Genius people. I want another drug, not this same one. And I just had a group which was all sharing. People were crying. Pleh!

Dinner is at 5:00. Its only 4:18. I hardly have enough to type in here to fill up that time! Now I feel stupid for being here. Just for a Zyprexa doseage increase? Really? I could've done that at home.

All I want to do is sleep. I can't see that the Ativan would make me this tired, but maybe double Zyprexa would.

My friends are still being good to me! Yay! They all say they still love me! This makes me happy.

Ex Principio (Day 2)

I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. No matter how nice these people are. The bathroom is locked. I can't stand to be in my own skin. I've said all this before. I have to go do shit and I don't want to. I'd rather be drugged. I am drugged but its not taking. They have everything locked. They don't seem to take me seriously when I tell them about the hallucinations. They just figured the drugs will take care of it. They don't stop to think that I might like them. So I am ex precipito- I'm outta here. I'm still just a rat in a cage, as they say. Nothing is going on except groups and eating. I'm still very tired but I have things to do. I can't take a nap. I got out some books to read but I don't know how sucessful that will be. I think I should lick the walls. That would get their attention. I want out of this body. Its driving me up the wall. Drugs or no drugs. I am in limbo. In a place I can't stand. I can't stand it at all. At least the hallucinations keep me entertained! I mean, I've never been in a marching band or a band at all and yet I hear tons of music of one with trumpet solos! In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

I'm bored. This isn't helping. The nurse just told me my heart rate was up. My blood pressure was up last night. She said the drugs she gave me should've kicked in by now, but they haven't! Whatever. Inside, I am buzzing and wanting to scream. I need to SCREAM!!!

Hallucinations de Hare -(Day 2)

Last night, I was in bed. I wasn't asleep yet. I was just laying there trying to fall asleep. I was very tired, taking in the extraneous sounds of the building. I'd been here before; they weren't that unfamiliar. The big digital clock in the wall flashed red digits at me. Midnight-"O"-two. Everytime I'd close my eyes, I was wide awake. Next to the big window that doesn't open, the dark expanse to the world below went by. Faintly, I begain to hear something. Yes! A marching band. Way in the distance. They must be way down the street, I thought. The music played continuously. Loud marching band music, but it was as if the band were half a mile away, coming toward me. I shifted in my bed. Now the music might be coming from a radio that's turned down. Very detailed band music with lots of trumpets blaring.

My nurse just came to talk to me. She went through a bunch of things, including my meds that are ordered. One of them was a nicotine patch! Oh my god, if I'd actually gotten that I can only imagine how awful I'd have felt. She just wrote, "Not appropriate" in the notes, but sheesh! She said they figured that I self-medicate with cigarettes. Hmm... Lots of people must, but not me. I am getting another dose of Zyprexa and some Ativan before my first group- stretching. Skilttles. I hope this slows me down. I just woke up, too. I really want some coffee, but I think they'd frown on that. Ha! Its possible that I will get prescribed another medication by one of the doctors here. Last year, I got Topomax.

I have to go my first group in fourty minutes. Geesh I don't have that much to say here. My nurse just left. She said I can have decaf coffee. My hand is shaking. I don't feel all that bouncy right now. My head hurts a bit. These people are determined to therapy and drug me into submission! I did like stretching a lot last time I was here. I just feel like going back to bed for some reason. Maybe I wore myself out bouncing so much all day yesterday. Where is my music?! I want to hear it! In Paradisum!

The rabbit has had Skittles and yet they aren't doing anything. Earlier, I wanted to be done here. Just run out. They have my stuff though. They always have my stuff. Ugh can't I just go home and sleep in my own bed? Back to In Paradisum? Please?!!?!?!?!

Back in the Rabbit Hole -(Day 1)

Here I sit. Typing to you from inside the rabbit hole! Yes, I got myself admitted again. I'm so tired. I want to unzip my body and climb out! My friend says that would just be bloody and messy. I need a sleeping pill, or Haldol or Thorazine or something! I don't know how many days I will be here. Last time I was here six. The Skittles have yet to be delivered. I'm waiting on food. I hope that will help me feel better.

This morning, I called my psych dr. Told her what I've typed here lately. She said if I didn't take myself to the psych ER, she would call an ambulance to take me! So here I sit. I just got frisked- both with clothes on and without! I just haven't been able to sit still and yet my body absolutely aches for sleep. I was lucky to get admitted to the same hospital as last time; they don't always have beds. I didn't want to go to a strange hospital that may or may not have computers.

Strangely, people keep asking me if I'm hearing voices, but I'm not. I don't know why not. I mean, that would be entertaining, right? If I'm going to go batshit, at least make it interesting!

This day feels like its been three days long. Its 11:08 p.m. and my body says its 4:00 a.m. All of that bouncing like the rabbit I am no doubt contributed to this.

No bathroom privileges. Again. Ugh. I have to ask every time I need to go. Then after a day or two they unlock it. My roomate is asleep. She doesn't appear to be very exciting, but hey- she's asleep. Back to groups. Back to more groups. But art therapy is fun! And my bank account will stay intact, unlike yesterday when I tried to buy a tablet.

I keep telling my story over and over. They don't seem to be able to understand how I could be suicidal one day and manic the next week. How could I talk about dying and going into paradise yet not feel sad and wanting to kill myself? Well, I don't know! It just is! Is the sun still sending my messages? They all think its seasonal affective disorder- SAD. Its NOT! I'm NOT SAD!

These computers make me happy.

I keep having a duality of my mind telling me the things it tells me- about knowing everything sent from the angels- and then the other side says, "No, that's not possible". Its teeters back and forth between the two. I must say that I'm not making these things up. I really do feel the way I type here and I really do believe what I type.

I'm exhausted. I'm beyond hungry. I need a reboot. All of me does. That's why I'm here.

Whirling Wipers

Walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. The cars drive one way- a wiper swipes- then the other whooshing by. They don't exist. I can walk between the most and air as it overburdens my lungs, thick. The air blows around my ankles and is soothing.

Whirling through the cars like the fog. Like the ghost that I am. I don't exist. Time changes. Every bit of what I am and was and could be are now one. I take another step. One. Two. The lights change. The fog lays low, cuddling around the hard bright surfaces of metal. I step again. Red.... Green. Step. Whoosh! Honk! I am free! Time and I are one. I step again.... Breathe in that thick air. Stop.