Getting Out/ Wait, Wait, Wait....

I'm bored. All my groups are over so I'm just hanging out until they let me go. For one thing, they didn't give me my Latuda from this morning yet. (New med.) Apparently, the pharmacy was out and is only now getting some in. In the meantime, they are slowly getting my things together, but it seems at a stand still. They are sending me home in a taxi- they said around 4, but its 3:52 so I don't think that's going to happen. When I get home, I'm going to go out and get coffee with my friend at Starbucks. (We often hang out at Starbucks.) Then when I get home, I'll hang out with the kids and the dog. I had to write a plan of what I was going to do when I got out. One thing I wrote was go to the pharmacy. I recently transfered all my scripts to Walgreens from a "local" pharmacy; that pharmacy is 15 miles away when the new one is one or two at most. Plus, their copays are cheaper. I'm being sent home partly because they think I'm improved enough to leave, but partly because they say my insurance will stop paying and they don't want me to get a $5,000 bill. Thoughtful of them. I think I'd be upset over recieving a bill like that! I'm on hold on the phone with the pharmacy to talk to them about filling my Latuda. I'd forgotten to ask them about that when I called earlier. I need to rearrange my pill box when I get home because they changed my Latuda dose (I think), added a new drug for the akathesia, and took me off the zyprexa. Wait, wait, wait....

In the Psych Hospital Again

It's that time of year- Fall- and here I am yet again. As I posted before, I knew my brain was going bad several days ago. I felt aggitated. I couldn't hold still. My insides were all stirred up. I had to go to the grocery store about three days ago to get cat litter. I knew that going to Meijer (the store) might trigger me, but I set the thought aside. I ended up at the same balcony that I was at last year when I got admitted to this hospital. I wanted to jump. (Last year, I wanted to fly off.) I wanted to do anything to get rid of this horrible feeling inside me. I nearly climbed over the railing- seeing my legs climb on after the other over-, but I was on the phone with my good friend, Caleb who told me that I indeed could NOT fly, that I would die if I tried.  I didn't trust myself. I had thoughts of stopping this feeling any way I could. Thoughts of stabbing myself. Internally, I felt like I'd had about 100 cups of coffee, like I wanted to jump up and down, scream and scream and scream. I paced and paced and ground my teeth and breathed quickly. I forced myself off the balcony. I bought the cat litter and made myself drive home. On the way home, I had thoughts of driving into oncoming traffic. When I got home, I went outside and called the psych. ER. The woman on the phone said I should be evaluated at any psych ER, not necessarily that one. I went to that one anyway. After many hours in the psych ER, they decided to admit me to their hospital. I was very lucky to get a spot there, as there aren't often rooms at this hospital. Since I got here, the plan has been to change my medication again. We talked about just to which medication, but I've been on so many that its nearly impossible, so we decided to go off Zyprexa completely and stay on the med that's causing me the problems (Latuda) and add something to take away these feelings- known as "akathesia"- called Inderal. I've been here since early Monday morning- about 4:30 a.m. I'm not sure how many days I will be here. Oh but this morning they came in my room at about 5:00 saying to "get up" and "get a shower" and I was going for "ECT". That's electric convulsive therapy. That's where they shock your brain. I've never had it before. Its for depression that won't respond to drugs. I actually was in the bathroom about to turn the shower on when someone else came in and said that they had the wrong person so I wasn't getting ECT. Could've been a closer call, true, but still they got the wrong person! We've made plans for treatment which include watching how I do on the Inderal (it lowers your blood pressure). I am feeling a bit drowsy since going on the Inderal though they assure me that they gave me a very low dose so maybe its not the drug. More when I know more.

Med Change and Feel Bad

Since yesterday Ive felt bad. Inside i might explode. I cant stop talking sometimes. I cant stop thinking. My hands shake more than usual. I know my brain is rewired from the med change from Zyprexa to Latuda. I feel out of control. I dont see my psychiatrist for a week and a half but i do see mt therapist in two days. My brain feels like its been taken over. I also didnt eat as much at dinner last night. The world seems surreal . I fly through it speeding down aisleways like they dont exist. I can almost speed through people who might be there. Is this mania? A friend suggested it might be manifesting itself differently: rather than delusions and hallucinations, this. I feel like screaming. The scream builds up and its very difficult to squelch it. Im wondering if its not akathesia. I feel I might explodode and a scream would be a good release of this energy.

Early Hallucinations, Aliens and Delusions

When I was 20, I got my wisdom teeth removed. I was staying at my parents place while my live-in boyfriend went to visit his mom out of state. My mom was on a business trip but my dad was around. We always blames the following episodes on the pain meds I was on but now I wonder if they werent early bipolar symptoms.

The first episode occurred one evening in the livingroom. The lroom backed up to a second-floor balcony with sliding glass doors. I saw aliens there quietly knocking to get in. The second episode was in the basement that had windows and a door both without curtains or shades. At night this made the windows black. I thought the blackness was coming to get me. I called my mom on her business trip to tell her so. She said that the dark couldnt get me and i said. "I know but its still coming to get me".

Now I see these as early hallucinations and delusions like the ones I.ve been having lately. Whether they were brought on by the pain meds I still don't know but it just occurred how much this past week is like 20-some years ago.

Aliens 5- The Narrative

I had gone shopping at the grocery store. It was a store where I always shop. I went up to the bathroom to pee and when I looked at my reflection as I washed my hands, I could see I was an alien. Big, black eyes staring back at me. I could FEEL them! I looked away, scared. Moving downstairs toward the people they moved about with their carts. Seemed a normal evening down below me. I pushed my cart along, looking at the text message my daughter had sent me of items to pick up. Suddenly, a woman's eyes caught mine. They were dark. I could see into them more deeply. It was as if she knew my whole being. I knew she was an alien. I concentrated on my shopping, but the more I shopped, the more it became clear that each and every person in the store that day was an alien hybrid: Half alien half human. They all could tell that I knew what they were. Some were more tuned into me than others, but nonetheless all of them were alien-human hybrids. Even feeling like I was an alien hybrid myself didn't keep me from feeling a separateness from these hybrids. I wanted to finish my shopping and get out. And yet, I was fascinated. I couldn't stop looking into their big eyes. I was drawn through them- into their beings. I couldn't shake the feeling that they were everywhere and that they wanted something from me. They wanted me to feel I was one of them. At the same time, I was telling myself that I was just shopping and that I was just hallucinating or being delusional and that it would pass. I concentrated on pushing the cart- the feel of the handle in my hands and the sounds of the wheels turning. By the time I finally got in the checkout lane, I still thought everyone were aliens, including myself. I went through the motions of putting the items on the belt and swiping my card. And that's what they were: just motions. I was in another world the entire time and could not get out. That woman! Her EYES! They were almond-shaped for sure and she knew what I was thinking, WILLING me, to keep going the way THEY wanted. She KNEW what was in my mind and there was nothing I could do about it. I managed to load my food into the car and drive home. Strangely, the aliens did not follow me home. I had thought my children would be aliens too, but they weren't. Things seem to return to normal. In fact, I went back to the same store the next day to get milk and saw people but no aliens. I'm not sure if this was a delusion or a hallucination or both. I'm glad I got it down.

Aliens 4 -A chat with a friend

The following is a conversation I had yesterday with a friend.

ME: So what do you make of my episode today?

FRIEND: You continue to hallucinate?

ME: Not since ive been home

FRIEND: No, I meant the episode was nothing new.

That's what I make of it.

And as Scott said, you weren't a danger to yourself or others.

So, not a great thing to have happen, but could have been worse.

ME: Worse how

FRIEND: The aliens could have told you to harm yourself.

ME: Oh. Yeah

FRIEND: Aliens will do that, you know. Can't trust them big-eyed little fuckers.

ME: Yeah

They are 1 1/2 feet tall

FRIEND: So were you that short too?

ME: No

FRIEND: So you were a freakishly tall alien?

ME: I was just my height

These aliens were hybrids

Which is freakishly tall for an alien

So looked mostly human

FRIEND: Seems almost like a waking dream, triggered by that movie you saw.

Otherwise known as a hallucination?

ME: Im afraid to sleep tonight

FRIEND: Why? I'd be afraid to stay awake. You didn't have a problem while you slept.

ME: Bad alien dreams

FRIEND: Or not. Never know till you get there.

ME: Then its too late

FRIEND: But you could have no problem at all. Can't predict.

ME: Right

Bipolar board was no help. Just said "use dbt" i dont remember a lesson on this

FRIEND: Dreams can't actually hurt you. Even bad ones. You can wake up in a cold sweat and banish them.

ME: Im worried real aliens will come

FRIEND: Oh. That's easy. No they won't. Because they don't exist. Next?

ME: Still worried

There were so many at the store

FRIEND: That was a hallucination. Hallucinations, by definition, are not real. ?

ME: Im worried theyll be peering at me

FRIEND: They. Are. Not . Real

ME: Ok then worried ill hallucinate again

FRIEND: So what? Didn't hurt you before.

ME: Scarier m maybe

FRIEND: Still won't hurt you. You can will it away.

ME: Maybe

Watching another movie- without aliens

FRIEND: LOL Good idea. . .

ME: Cant watch loveboat. Recordings are unavailable

FRIEND: Huh. Maybe cause they took it off the air?

ME: No all the recordings on the system are gone

They may come ack online

FRIEND: Right. But are they actual recordings or just links to the content stored on the cable system?

ME: Probably links

FRIEND: thats what I was thinking

ME: It does this sometimes then the recordings show up again

FRIEND: ok so perhaps these will too

ME: Yes

FRIEND: time for me to say goodnight

sleepy

outta here

ME: Ok goodnight

Ttyt mYbe

8 hours ago

i am an alien 3

The entire grocery store was people taken over by aliens. I could see it in their eyes. I had to be careful shopping.

i am an alien 2

I had previously said that we are aliens. Now i think we may be abductees. Would account for our brains hallucinating and the odd emotions.

i am an alien 1

I saw my reflection and i am an alien. They made me grow into an alien. I saw big black eyes.

I got a new tattoo on Sunday. (Today is Wednesday.) Its Manic Mickey. I planned it a week or more before actually getting it so im not sure how manic ore hypomanic I was when I actually got it. I hadn't had a tattoo for twp years so its not like I get them a lot. (This is my fourth.) The tattoo is from a cartoon short from 1995 called Runaway Brain. That's how I feel when manic- that and I can identify with how Mickey must feel.

Im not sure if im manic or close to it. I am impulsive. Im getting a tattoo of a manic Mickey mouse soon. I started smoking to damage myself though ive since quit. The whole idea seemed wrong and a bit exciting. For two weeks at least ive felt ramped up. I had to take some ativan yesterday for it. I see my psych dr on thursday so we will see what she says. Maybe i am smoking to try to calm myself too. This aggitation is very uncomfortable. I have been watching "loveboat" at bedtime. It helps to calm me too.

People in Trees

I've been seeing people. Hallucinations. They generally show up and then disappear. I'll see a person in a tree, or a mixer at work, or any other random place and then they will disappear. Its been happening a lot lately. There are not audio hallucinations to accompany them, only visual. I used to see animals a lot, but these are people. Its a vision of someone that is there and then they are not. Its enough to make me startle and take note. I've had many of them over the last week. Maybe I've not had a lot of sleep. I'm not sure. I will update if they change or intensify.

Flash-backs of Mania

Just visiting me manic again: In Paradisium. There was so much more to it than this. (More posts, too!) I remember wanting to be one with the universe and angels giving me messages that told me the secret to the universe. They did this straight into my brain. I felt I knew everything and I was a peace with the entirety of creation.

(It seems I end up here in the Fall. I think its the light changing, but nobody believes me. Hopefully, I can stay out of the hospital this year in September/October/November.)

And yet it was more than this: I thought angels were giving me messages but I also thought aliens had abducted my friend, K, and had taken over his mind and body. I thought, therefore, that he was an alien. I thought I could fly. Every time I saw the doctor in charge at the psych. hospital, he'd ask if I could fly, and I'd reluctantly say yes and then no and then yes again.

Reading this post doesn't given you a good idea. You have to go back and read how disjointed the originals are. The lights outside that I describe, too, called to me, shining brightly in the rain. That was the day I went to the psych. hospital last October. I recall wanting to feel the hard metal of the cars making contact with me and then breaking my bones. The light poles stationary, taking the force of my body and the warped metal of the car at the same time, as we tried to take up the same area of space. It was a cold, slow dance, I envisioned, with the wipers tocking back and forth in the rain. I wanted the heightened sensations. I needed every nuance: each step I took, the feeling of the cold metals, becoming one with it all- the heightened mania that NEEDED the desperation of it all, yet the floating detachment of each footstep.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Whirling Wipers

Walking through the fog I breathe in its viscosity. The cars drive one way- a wiper swipes- then the other whooshing by. They don't exist. I can walk between the most and air as it overburdens my lungs, thick. The air blows around my ankles and is soothing.

Whirling through the cars like the fog. Like the ghost that I am. I don't exist. Time changes. Every bit of what I am and was and could be are now one. I take another step. One. Two. The lights change. The fog lays low, cuddling around the hard bright surfaces of metal. I step again. Red.... Green. Step. Whoosh! Honk! I am free! Time and I are one. I step again.... Breathe in that thick air. Stop.

Floating Meditation

Last evening, I took my younger son to the community pool. It had just opened a week before for the season, after having been closed last year for renovations. It wasn't too much different just to look at, but it was nice.

While my son swam with his friends, I had an intrusive thought. It was of self-harm. It took me by surprise and in the sun and water I tried to push it away. It was stronger than I had thought, when it came to me, too. It went into my mind and took over, saying, "This is truth!" The idea of self-harm felt seductive again. I felt myself going down that path. My hair was wet. The water was warm. The sun was beating down hot. I shook it off. I decided to try to float on my back. I had never really gotten the hang of this as a kid, but now it seems effortless. (I'm not sure if its the added pounds from zyprexa or maybe I just "get it" now, but I could do it.)

As I lay on my back in the water, the liquid filled my ears. The sounds were muffled- quiet- and the water lapped in and out of my ear canals, making tiny intermittent "tinking" noises. My eyes were closed. The rest of me was free. I buoyed gently back and forth and felt at peace. Every so often, a voice called out, but I could barely make out what it said. I was transcended. I opened my eyes, seeing the blue sky, but the water sometimes covered them, so I closed them again. I wondered if this is what fetuses experience- but I had to breathe air, of course. I did this several times, opening my eyes in between and looking around. Next time, I will try and not open my eyes for longer- more than a minute.

When I finally stopped and went upright, I felt as if I'd been meditating: relaxed & calm: nothing like several minutes before when I'd had the intrusive thoughts. We are thinking of getting an annual pass to the pool this year. Maybe this can be a new way to meditate for me. The swimming itself is good exercise, even if you're only just wading around, like I usually do.

Secondary Emotions

Today in DBT we learned about secondary emotions. That is, you get mad that you are mad, or sad that you are happy, or any number of other combinations. Usually, these tend to escalate both moods, it seems. I'll write more about it the more we talk about it. I have yet to do the homework. It doesn't seem to me, however, that these secondary emotions are good, for the most part. We usually get upset at having the first emotion, be it anxiety, anger, sadness, or any other. This seems to be a trigger of a snow-ball effect which is not good. Then again, if your secondary emotion is a positive one, then maybe not. I'll have to do more research. It just seemed to me that most of the examples given were negative ones. More later!

Transformer

Today I took my youngest son out to take photos downtown. A few hours in, as we were walking outside, I heard a voice that sounded like a robot. "Did you hear that?" I asked my son. "That?" He asked. "Yes." But Ithought he mustve heard something else. When I told my friend S later about this, saying it sounded like a Transformer [robot] he replied, "Was there one there? Cause that'd be odd." Too true!

Emotion Regulation

This is our topic for the summer in my DBT class. In the homework for the week, I chose an anxious evening for my example. There are many emotions to choose from, of course.

In my example, I chose a prompting event as a recent evening where I thought people were talking about me - and negatively. I then figured that they were going to kick me out of where I live. I wanted to take Ativan. My heart was racing, my breath was quickened. But I didn't. I told myself that I didn't actually know what they were talking about and it could be about someone else. The after effects of the emotion were that I had many thoughts that Ihad to get rid of and memories of other bad times when they had talked about me. However, what this emotion did do for me was that I willed my anxiety away; I did not need ativan; I watched tv instead. I feel I was effectivebecause my anxiety was reduced and without drugs.

We have other emotions we talk about in this module, ofcourse, but I chose anxiety for my homework this week. I feel that this is going to be an interesting module. Its also the longest at about 11 weeks. As part of the reading, we have lots of emotions listed, including examples of actions taken in that specific emotion.

We take emotions for granted, but they aren't always so simple.

New Diagnosis On Hold?

My therapist and I were talking about my diagnosis today. I just saw my psychiatrist last week, too, and she didn't mention my diagnosis. It previously had been schizoaffective bipolar type since November last year. (This was given to me by my old psychiatrist/nurse practitioner.) Now, my chart says "Unspecified psychosis, rule out bipolar". Huh. That's even MORE of a head-scratcher! Its been there a while, apparently, but it seems like a transient diagnosis. When exactly will she rule it out? And if she does, will I have to change the name of my blog? Ha! Its just sitting there for now, making it seem like I have a psychosis NOS diagnosis. Bipolar 1 and schizoaffective aren't all that different, so it just is interesting to see my diagnosis change.

Whatever they I am reminded by a good friend that I am still me. That makes me happy.

In November 2013 I wrote another post on this topic with more details.

Here is an older post I put up about being schizoaffective: New Diagnosis, November 2013

Mindfulness & Mania

Mindfulness is part of DBT. Essentially, its what you probably think it is: paying attention. But its more than just paying attention. Its paying attention to both the good and the bad and letting them be what they are and then moving on. Its paying attention to the little things- being present in the moment, and moving from moment to moment. It is the opposite of multitasking. (In fact, a study proved that you actually get less done when you multitask.) A definition I found online says, "Mindfulness: a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique".

So today, I was at Lowe's home store. I needed to use the restroom and had to walk quite a ways to find it. Suddenly, I found myself wandering down one of their big isles, feeling the vastness of those isles, noticing the nuances of the colors, the textures of the metal cans, the fuzziness of the brushes.... I had a thought: This is a lot like when I'm manic- but I'm not! Lots of times when I get manic, I like to touch things for their textures, or taste things for the nuances, for example, because they are so heightened. I will run my fingers across the mortar between bricks, for example, just to feel the heightened sensations. So how are these things alike? Aren't they contradictory to each other? Being manic is bad, isn't it? Being mindful is good! The difference is this: Walking down that isle I felt at peace because my mind was on that one thing only: That isle in the store and my walking through it. No other thoughts were in my head. I was in the moment. I guess if I think about it, in mania, I am the opposite: not in control; not in the moment, but the moment takes me along with it. The question is: Can I be mindful next time I'm manic?

Bipolar and The Flu: A Vaccine

I was talking to a friend of mine about influenza. He found some articles online saying "It's Baaaack!" for a second round at this late date in May. It got me thinking: What if bipolar acted like other diseases? The flu comes around every year- this year, twice, apparently. We make our best guess at a vaccine of a number of flu viruses and hope for the best. What if bipolar were this way? We could give a vaccine for it one a year and the symptoms would be at bay- or at least lessened. (The flu shot doesn't prevent the flu 100%.) Would I take it? That's along the lines that I've heard other people with bipolar ask: If you could be cured of bipolar somehow, would you? Most say no, that bipolar is part of them. What if it would merely lesson the symptoms- so the mania wouldn't be so severe, or so the depression wouldn't turn into suicidal ideation, or an attempt? What about other diseases like Ebola? There is no known vaccine, and it is a terrible disease where the victim essentially bleeds internally and cannot move; their insides turn to soup. Luckily, it is not very communicable, or it would be used as a biological weapon, for sure.

But, moving back to bipolar, I'd say its not nearly as bad as the flu, but is constant. That is it has hills and valleys. Right now, I'm pretty much in remission. The flu lasts a week, and if you're lucky, you're down in bed with a fever for that time, and then better. Some people do die from it. Bipolar is deadly as well. We don't have a vaccine, but we do have drugs that are supposed to keep our brains in check. Right now, I'm on Zyprexa and Topomax and Lithium. Zyprexa has made me gain weight and made my triglycerides over 400! (I am going to be taking a statin drug to lower this number, pretty soon.) There are just so many other drugs that I've tried that do not work for me- one made me suicidal and hear voices inside my head: Saphris (asenapine)- that I pretty much have to stay on zyprexa unless something bad happens. Sometimes, bipolar FEELS as bad as ebola sounds- like there is no end, and if there IS an end, its a horrible one. Hopefully, DBT is keeping my thoughts in check, however.

So would I take a bipolar vaccine? That's a difficult question to answer. It would be directly affecting my brain, but then again so do the pills. If it got rid of all the symptoms, I might go for it. On the other hand, look how hit-and-miss it is to guess which flu strains will be out each year. Is it a virus that causes bipolar? Just what DOES cause bipolar in the brain? Right now, we know but we don't know. And does it affect each person the same way? These are questions that would have to be answered, as well as a large study done before a vaccine was available to those of us with bipolar. I don't think I'd sign up for the trials.

Doing One Thing at a Time

Of the many things I'm learning in DBT, one that stands out lately is doing one thing at a time. They did a study and asked two people to do the same tasks, one all of them at once and one one at a time. Guess who did a better job? Yup. The one who did them one at a time! We talk about being in the moment of what we're doing and doing that one thing well. I know in the past I've found my brain whirring with too many worries while I'm supposedly out doing things fun. If you can just focus on that fun thing and set the un-fun things aside for the time being, you'll feel oh so much better! The same goes with doing too many things at once. You also should be in the moment when you're doing that one thing. If bad things come up, you should simply observe them and then move on. I know I've had a tendency to worry about the bad things with no solutions- just whirring anxiety. Simply observing them and moving on for now is such a better idea!

Sidewalk Bending Hallucination / Realization

A few days ago, I went for a walk for about an hour. I had been talking on the phone to a new friend. Just as I decided to go home, I walked up to the sidewalk to the porch of the house. It began to warp! So much so, that I felt unsure of my footing and steadied myself. It moved beneath my feet, bending itself over and over. I realized what was happening and willed it to stop! I took a step up onto the first step of the porch and began to walk again and all was okay, so I went inside.

I am editing to add that today I saw my therapist. We were talking about my hallucinations. Not at first, but after a while, I realize that they are indeed hallucinations, so I do something to make them stop. (After I've had my fill of entertainment that is!) Usually, all it takes is leaving the room I'm in, but in the case here, I mentally willed it to stop and it did. My therapist thought this was great and said that most people can't do this. It doesn't matter if its a visual or auditory hallucination. Of course, after a while, the hallucination will go away on its own without my doing anything to stop it. I am lucky that none of them have scared me. Even the "radio" that was playing jazz music and commanding me to do things didn't scare me.

Anti-Depressants and Bipolar

Anti-depressants are well-known. There are commercials for them on television. You think, "I'm depressed, we'll reverse those chemicals with an anti-depressant and everything will be wonderful". But with bipolar, its not so straight-forward.

I've been on anti-depressants several times in my life. Sometimes, they've helped, like during my three pregnancies. (Zoloft.) (Before I was diagnosed bipolar.) Sometimes, I've had strange, almost scary side effects from them. I say "side effects" but really they were effects of my bipolar brain having a drug which lets in more feel-good chemicals than normal.

Take this case in point. I had been prescribed an anti-depressant by my psychiatrist. This was before I was diagnosed bipolar. I had been having hallucinations- seeing horrible scenes playing out of spines being ripped out of children's bodies, and blood splattered all over against the walls- at my son's preschool. I walked in a semi-daze. I had called my psychiatrist because of this and she'd prescribed an antidepressant called Celexa. A few days later, I found myself at Wendy's. I stared at the menu board. The words meant nothing to me. I kept reading. I could make out what they sounded like, but it was as if it were in another language. "What do they DO here?!" I wondered to myself. I looked around, then back again. I looked down a long hallway. How had I gotten here? I had no memory at all. I had no emotions. A total lack of happiness or sadness, or fear, or curiosity. Let me repeat that to you: I had zero emotion. It was both freeing and odd at the same time. I just did not care for anything one way or the other. It dawned on me that maybe I should call my psychiatrist. Her response was an immediate, "You DROVE!? You're not supposed to drive!" After this, my memory is fuzzy, but I eventually drove myself home. I don't even think I ate anything.

My next fore into antidepressants was several years later. I had been diagnosed bipolar for a few years. I was seeing a new psychiatrist. I was in a depression for quite a while, so we decided to try Celexa again. (Again for me, first time as far as this psychiatrist knew.) It was going okay, until some time into taking it, I was at a restaurant with a friend. I picked up my knife and fork and began to bank them over and over and over again on the table- quickly! I couldn't stop! My friend watched this for a bit and finally said, "I think you should call your doctor." I did. I'm not sure if I left a message. The next thing I remember is calling my friend who is a Behavioral Pharmacologist- he has a PhD in researching brain drugs. I was talking rapidly, joking and being silly. He laughed at me and we had quite a nice conversation, but he, too, said I should call my doctor. I finally did. I was taken off Celexa- again.

Disney World / DBT/ Pseudobulbar Affect

Utopia! The family has planned a trip to Disney World for December. This is something fun to look forward to. I have applied for a job to help pay for this trip. I can't wait to be saving and working! The last time we went was maybe five years ago. The only problem with having a job is working around when I go to therapy on Mondays and Wednesdays. But it will all work out, I think.

Since I've started DBT, I've felt better. I can side-step the downward spiral that so often cascaded me into depression. I might have a negative thought, but I will redirect it, saying to myself, "That can wait," or, "That isn't as bad as you think." I can accept things for what they are and then move forward. It feels good!

I do think back on my posts here when I was manic. I like them because they are so descriptive of my in-the-moment feelings.

There is a commercial on tv lately for a brain disorder called PBA: Pseudobulbar Affect. The commercial very specifically points out that the sufferers burst out in laughter or crying for no "real" reason, yet it is "NOT a psychological condition", but a brain disorder! I always want to jump through the screen and yell that psychological disorders ARE your brain! Bipolar is NOT just someone wanting to feeling manic, or WANTING to feel depressed. Its not a personality disorder. Its as if this PBA were "real" and bipolar is just a personality flaw! The truth is that both are just as much disorders of the brain that are very truly physical in nature, and based in the brain where the emotional centers sit. I have less control sometimes of my brain when I'm having a bipolar episode of mania that some people with PBA do when they begin to having a laughing episode. It starts and I am taken down that path, no matter if I can see it or not. So those of us with bipolar may have more in common with PBA than we think. Although we may not have had a stroke which started this, there is faulty wiring that we cannot control our emotions and thoughts.

Wise Mind

I have been missing-in-action for a couple of months. Usually, this means that everything is a-ok and I don't have anything to post as this blog is about living with bipolar. However, a friend of mine pointed out that maybe I should post when I am feeling well, too. I thought, "What would that read like- 'I went to the grocery store today. Car needs an oil change'?" My therapist today suggested I try it so with the two of them suggesting this, here I am.

You won't see the colorful writings of mania, I don't think. One thing that's been going on in my life is that my new therapist is working out well. We get along and I'm learning a lot through DBT: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I see her on Mondays and then we have a group meeting on Wednesdays, too. The group is fun. What a cast of characters! Every week, there is homework for both therapy and group. We read our homework outloud in the group. One of the things they teach us is how to be in our "wise mind". This is a blending of our emotional and our calculating mind. Its where we are best able to make decisions. Its helped me to not go overboard and get upset several times. There are many other "modules" we learn about, too. Wise mind is just one that comes up often.

Falling?

For several weeks now, if not a month, I've been afraid of falling. Not emotionally. Physically. I can't step down off a snowy curb, without feeling that I'll lose my footing. The bookstore has two large escalators. I can go up, but down scares me. I just stand there watching all the steps go down without me. I feel I will fall if I step on. Even regular steps like in a parking garage, I have to hold the handrail or risk feeling I'll take a misstep. This doesn't happen all the time and it doesn't happen everywhere. I keep thinking its my new shoes and the slippery ground this winter. I will walk the long way around a snowy mound rather than walk through it like my kids will. And yes, there have been a few near-misses where I've almost fallen. Is it my fear doing that, or are they true near-falls? That is to say, is this all in my mind or is something else at play that I'm not aware of? I feel like its a mental thing, hence why I'm posting it here.

voices - been a long time

I heard the tv voices again. I was watching Mary Tyler Moore this time not MASH. They were speaking into my left ear. I don't know what they were saying. I don't see my new pdoc for two months. But Isee my new therapist in a month. This will hardly be worth mentioning then I guess. They were buzzing and whispering and seemed to be a group of voices. There really isn't anything more to say about them. They didn't scare me.

Changes

My psych drs office decided to change to short-term care only. They consisder me long-term care so i got pushed into another office. Completely new. New building, new people- everything. And they don't seem to be very organized. I had to ask to have a therapist. My psych dr. Seems a bit silly. I fear for when I have another major episode what these silly people wil do. I can always call psych er but then I fear that I'll be sent back to the place I was in November.

I have been fairly happy the last month as I've been dating someone and having a great time. That is, until we had amisunderstanding. I'm stil not sure if that's worked out. I suppose it is or we wouldn't still be talking every day. He is one of my best friends, if not my best friend outright. We spent the weekend together last weekend and had a great time. There was just the issue of sex. I didn't want it and he did. Ouch. I still feel bad about that.I am hoping that this doesn't ruin our friendship. I don't think it has. I'm also hoping we can get together again. At any rate, this has been a source of my being fairly happy this last month and I'm glad. I enjoy his company greatly. :)

I can't catch a break

I can't seem to catch a break. Well, today I'm okay. I went to go the grocery store and out to spend gift cards withmy youngest. That was nice. But for the last week, I've been so anxious. I realize that I type about being anxious a lot, but this week I can hardly shake it. I keep calling the psych ER and afterhours at my new pdoc. Its worse at night, of course. I have taken ativan several nights. I just can't shake it most of the time. Right now I'm feeling okay, though. Most days lately though I just feel so anxious and so down I don't knonw what to do with myself. Its hardly worth writing about. I see my old pdoc coming up soon and I can't wait to see her even though I know it will be the last time probably. Then a week later I see my new pdoc. I've called the psych ER a few times and the after-hours people at the new places a few time too. They all say take ativan or do deep-breathing exercises. I am feeling like my life is broken and I just can't fix it. And more than that its been broken and Ive let it be that way. I think I'm a good person though so there's that. Who loves me? Anybody? My kids? Some friends? Every night I climb into bed with my new heated matress pad and feel soooo warm and nice and watch tv and try to not think kof anything bad. Right now its hours from bedtime. I've been on a dating site seeing what type ofpeople write to me. Its interesting. One guy gave me a laundry list of questions to answer and another just said "may the wonder of God be with you" or somthing like that. That was so warming some how. No pressure, just niceness.I guess that's a break, isn't it?