Lucid Choir Dream

 I was productive today.  I got laundry including sheets cleaned.  I watered the plants.  My kitchen trash can was completely covered in black mold on the inside so rather than disturb it I bought a new trash can.  I will give this one a squirt of bleach every so often to avoid having this happen again.

Last night, I was watching a lessons and carols service by an English choir - made up of boys (pre-puberty) and young men.  (College age.). It made me feel like I was singing with them in my head and that felt good since I haven't been able to sing in real life for a couple years now.  Then LAST NIGHT, I dreamed I was in a boarding school with the boys and we were all singing together!  And what makes it even better is that I KNEW I was dreaming so I could enjoy the dream all the more!

Seven Cavities & Dry Mouth & Seroquel Reduction

 Pdoc called for a checkup this morning, as scheduled.  (Next appointment will be in person!)  She asked if I was having any issues and of course I told her about my dry mouth since starting the Seroquel 300's and about what the dentist said about my oral health with the seven cavities I had all at once and that it was from the Seroquel drying my mouth out.  Pdoc asked me what I want to do. I said can we increase Haldol and not take Seroquel.  She said the Haldol is more for hallucinations and Seroquel is more for mood.  She said Rexulti is for mood and I'm on a good dose of that right now.  She said I might have trouble sleeping if we decreased the Seroquel but I said aren't I on trazodone for that and she said yes.  So in the end, we compromised on cutting the Seroquel in half so that I am now taking 150.  I called the pharmacy to ask them if they'd rearrange my blister packs in accordance with my new script i.e. cutting the pills in half and putting the halves in each evening's blister pack.  They said yes but not until tomorrow.  This was about 11 a.m. this morning.  The guy that answers the phone and mans the front counter there is always so negative!  It's like everything is a huge burden on him.  Sheesh!  The pharmacist would've said, "Sure!  We can get that done for you if you bring the pill packs in tomorrow!"  It's all in the tone of the person I guess.  So yeah I'm taking 300 tonight- unless I can find my pill cutter- and then hopefully 150 tomorrow night, etc.  I really hope it helps the dry mouth.  I'm having to take a mouth rinse that mimmicks natural saliva twice a day and to brush with a prescription toothpaste that I can't rinse or eat or drink after for half an hour.  My face was SOOO swollen on Monday after I got those 7 fillings!  Actually, I have a photo.  Maybe I'll post it here.  I look terrible though!  The medical doctor said my migraine was from all the dental work I had done at once.  I'm so glad they have that Toradol shot to "instantly" get rid of the migraine pain!   

Lugalugaluga Singing Cat!

 I found this today.  A man records his cat meowing.  His trademark is the "Lugalugalugaluga" that the cat sings.  This melody is approximately exactly what the cat "sang" and then the creator just edited in harmonies and drums, and different verses, etc.  His channel is called “The Kiffness”.  He makes songs with other animals, too, and even babies!  He has a collection of various cats he’s featured over the years.

It's really cool!  Start with the following link then look up his YouTube channel.  It’s fun!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CszuLUIBz0s

Safety Plan, Driving, Seroquel Increase

 I saw my case manager today.  We spent an hour writing a safety plan.  This one is much more in depth than any others that I have created- it has names and phone numbers of people to call, calming things to do, things to look forward to...  None of them I created myself- they're always created with my case manager.  

Yesterday, my youngest child took his road test to get his license.  He passed!  We did some last minute backward and parallel parking a couple hours before in a parking lot that was set up for students to practice.  N3 said it was good that we did that before his test.  So tomorrow he gets his license- at least the paper one and the plastic one will come in the mail I assume.  Then he's all set up to drive - except he doesn't know how to drive a manual yet!  The car he bought is a stick shift, so he will have to practice!  But soon I won't have to drive him into work or pick him up.  What will I do?  No excuse to get up early!  (4:30!)

It's supposed to be a heat index of 100 at some point between now and 8 p.m. tonight.  Not as bad as some places!  And boy!  Speaking of cars, I'm glad mine has air conditioning.  My old one did not and I had to drive around feeling very hot with the windows down.  It was loud and sticky!

I finally got my increased Seroquel prescription.  My pdoc was supposed to write it and send it to the pharmacy on Friday soon after I talked with her.  But when I went to pick it up the pharmacy said they didn't have it.  The pharmacy asked me if I'd like for them to fill my other script for it, but that script is for 150 not 300.  So I said, no, I need the 300's.  So since it was Friday, nothing was open so I had to wait until Monday to call either the Pdoc's office or the pharmacy again.  Meanwhile, I didn't take my increased dose, UNTIL Monday night where I got the bright idea to take the "extra" 150 from one of my expired blister packs that I didn't use at the hospital.  (They give you your meds from their own pharmacy in the hospital.)  So Monday night, I felt like I was under water- my body felt overly heavy and my muscles felt like I was trying to walk through a swimming pool, each move pronounced.  I was also sleepy. I went straight to bed after that.  Then the next day, yesterday, I took the same 300 dose (this time from the 300 script I'd picked up finally) and felt slow again and sleepy.  At some point, this has to wear off, but I just hope I don't get diabetes from Seroquel.  I know somebody online who did and he is not happy, obviously.  (But he was on 400/day.  Not sure how long he had been on it.)  Seroquel is one of the only antipsychotics that I can take; I'm allergic to a bunch of them. Pdoc also increased my Haldol from 2 1/2 at bedtime AND PRN 2 twice a day.  It had been written for once a day.

O Death, Smooth Sighs

 O Death

Smooth sighs

Eyes to eyes

O Rescue me!

You so easy

To follow your sleepy lead

Calling so fully

Round my entity in need

O mort!

Mort exquisite

Flow from up to down

From in to out

Round your smooth rise

Inside

Call me!

Those sweet sighs found

Within my being

Softly! Softly!

O Death!

Smoothly to die-

I cannot abide

Any more-

Wherefore I am gone

Disappeared-

Into the mist

Mind in a twist

Softly I fall

Down in the abyss

O Death

Smooth sighs

Eyes to eyes

O rescue me!

O Dulce Voice

 O dulce

Dulce voice

Call to me

Again! And again!

You who soothes

My inner self

Does show my fate.

Held captive

Inside

To hear you

Demands marked free

O call again to me.

You art my fate

My love

My whole existance!

O cry!

Cry to the gods

Up to my soul

Full to mine tears

A deluge of sorrows!

O sweet!

O demands!

O persuasive!

You my voice

Turned inward

A mind of your own

Round my mind

Singing your acrid tunes!

Your wiley voice

As mine

Over-ebullient

To raise my demise

To full sorrows

Black, rounded beings!

O sorrows bleak

All my tears weak

Hear you O strange one

Never mind those pills

Orange and small

They are for fools!

So you say-

Take them!

Take them!

Take them!

Violent voices demand

It's okay-

Just do it!

The voices of angels sing to me

A cacophony raised to terrible heights!

Or are they angels?

Who knows?

Those demands so strong-

Inviting along...

O dulce

Dulce voice

Call to me

Again!  And again!

You who soothes

My inner self

Does show my fate. 

Take Them Take Them! Do it! Do it!

 My pdoc's nurse just called. I thought she was going to be my pdoc as that's what was written down on my discharge paperwork from the hospital that I was just in. Anyway she asked me how I'm feeling and I said "hunky dory" and then she said are you hearing voices or seeing things. So I get off the phone after denying it and now I have voices talking to me saying "Take them take them take them!". Lovely. Should I call pdoc's nurse back now or wait it out or take a prn or just wait till I talk with my pdoc on Friday?

Now they are saying "Do it!"

I took 2 mg of Haldol and my pdoc's nurse is going to talk with my case manager and my pdoc and call me back. I really hope that the Haldol works but 2 mg is nothing!

They are now telling me to shut up!

Shut up! fuck you! We will kill you.... yeah. Fun!

Now my case manager just called. The consensus is that I should give my meds to somebody to hold and just keep tonight and tomorrow morning's doses and see how I feel tomorrow and that the crisis team will call me for a check up tonight.

It's only about 3:30 p.m. here right now and I feel like it is 6. Maybe because I got up way early. Still hearing the voices. I want to scream back at them but so far I haven't!

My daughter came and picked up a bag of my meds with enough for tonight and tomorrow left here with me. Now waiting on the crisis team to call and check up on me. Hope they call soon!

Hospitalized Again

 I say "again" but it had been since about 2016 that I'd been hospitalized.  This time, I called the my pdoc's office and talked with someone on the crisis team.  I had been gathering pills and going to far as to put them in my hand with a glass of iced coffee next to me.  I knew it was just a matter of time before I got brave enough to take all the pills.

I started to drive myself to the psych ER 7 miles away, but my mom said to go to the one that is literally down the street from where I live.  So I went home and waited for K, my mom's husband, to pick me up.  My mom came up to the hospital to be with me once I got a room in the ER.  So much nicer than the other hospital- they have chairs but no beds really and you end up staying up all night while they wait to see you and then find you a bed in a hospital if that's what you need.  

At this closer hospital, I just watched TV in my room.  I had to get someone to take me to the bathroom because this was protocol.  I had my door open and so did most other people in that hallway.  One was psychotic or manic or both.  She wouldn't stay in her bed or stop trying to escape.  They finally had police and lots of medical personnel come hold her down and give her a cocktail of some night-night meds.  She fought it hard, though!  Eventually, she fell asleep.  In the room next to mine, I watched as doctors strapped a woman to her bed.  These weren't the thick leather straps- they were white and looked soft.  It's just that she couldn't get out of bed that way.  Both these people were very loud!  Screaming at times, but mostly shouting unintelligible things.  I thought I shouldn't be there with them because after all "I'm not that bad off".  Apparently, that's not the way things work.  Just because I didn't need a shot of Haldol+ doesn't mean I wasn't sick, too.

They finally found me a room an hour and 20 minutes away.  They had an ambulance take me.  The ride seemed short, but I did doze off for a bit.  (I hadn't slept all night, despite having a bed because I didn't have any distilled water for my CPAP.)  We left around 8 a.m.

My stay in the hospital was par for the course of being in a mental hospital.  Groups, TV, lots of other patients of all sorts.  I mainly kept to myself.  This is unlike me.  Usually, I'm very social.  I spent my time napping, reading or on the phone with friends.  At first I was pretty depressed and slow.  The doctor who saw most of us, was kind of a flake.  He decided the reason I had this episode of depression was because of a break up between me and a friend 6+ weeks ago.  It didn't phase me- that isn't the case!  He took one look at my file and said "You're on too many of the wrong meds!"  Then he looked at my list of meds I can't take and concluded that there was nothing he could do for me!  So they ended up sending me home on the same meds I came in with.  Luckily, I talked with Caleb a fair amount and that was cheerful and engaging.  

We got 3 square meals a day.  I thought we were the best fed patients!  Everything about that food was just sustainable, but it did taste good.  I just wouldn't say it was haut cuisine.  We colored and had groups.  We talked about various things.  There was one patient there who was a homeless alcoholic who spoke of going right back out and drinking again even with "the DTs".  I felt bad for him.  Everything out of his mouth was negative.  Everything.  Then there was the girl who went around to others chattering at us in a fast, choppy tone.  I mostly ignored her.  In fact, I didn't make any "friends" there except maybe one of the people who works there.  He was very helpful and never criticized.  

After 5 days, I got picked up by Kevin and we drove the hour and 20+ minutes to the pharmacy.  You see, my meds were due to be picked up anyway and my mom had picked up a bottle of Rexulti from my pharmacy and drove it to the hospital!  This is because the hospital could order all my meds from their pharmacy but not Rexulti for some reason.  So when Kevin and I got back to the pharmacy to hand the Rexulti to the pharmacist so she could add them back to the blister packs and then give me the completed packs.

Haldol PRN

 Well I broke down and took some of the extra Haldol just now.  I picked up my new glasses this morning.  They are taking some getting used to - I forgot that I'd ordered bifocals.  When I picked them up, I tried them on, but couldn't see because I had my contacts in.  So tonight I took out my contacts and put these new glasses on and immediately I noticed "the lines" of the bifocals!  I can see out of the bifocal part and the regular part, but where they join is blurry!  So right now, I'm typing on the computer looking through the regular area.  I have to raise my head and look DOWN at what I'm typing if I want to use the bifocal part.  Actually, it IS easier to read with the bifocal part, but I don't like having to hold my head up so far.  My old glasses are trifocals and they are the kind that there are no lines!  I got used to those immediately but these are annoying me!  I've had friends that got them say that they had a hard time walking in them.  Steps and curbs and stuff were hard to navigate.  I made my second tiktok tonight introducing myself talking about these glasses and my deluge of 8x10 photos I got this week!  I tried not to look like a dork, but my friend Christine said I look "great" in the video, so there it is.  I have no idea how to do all the fancy editing.  Heck!  I don't even know how many seconds I have left when I'm recording, so it just cuts me off.  Then I tried to edit that out and I couldn't figure that out either!  I have no idea what I'm going to post about in the future.  I probably won't be lip synching to songs though.  Right now, my choices are 15 seconds or 60 seconds.  I swear other people's videos are longer than a minute.   I'm eating a pear.  It's crunchy!  I went out to Walgreen's again - this time to get Benadryl.  I had an asthma flare up earlier and wasn't sure how I was feeling- my chest hurt a little- felt congested and somehow painful so I used my inhaler with my spacer (allows the medicine to disperse through the air in the spacer before I breathe it in).  Then I took some Benadryl in case it was an allergic reaction or allergies from dust mites or seasonal.  (I don't THINK I have bed bugs!)  Now feeling fine.  I stayed home today except to go to Walgreen's to get the Benadryl.    Tomorrow, I should get working on my inspection stuff- I need to clean my bathroom top to bottom! Maybe sweep and mop?  It isn't just cleaning- it's making sure things like the smoke alarms work.  Well the last time I used the oven they sure did!  And it says something about the carbon monoxide detector but the thing I thought was one says AT&T on it so I don't want to touch that - whatever it is.  It seems so much harder now that I'm by myself even if my place *is* a lot smaller.  I do like my new glasses though- They're nice and clear so the little bit of a prescription change really helped.  It's just that the bifocal lines are blurry.  I can read better through the bifocal parts, even though I can read pretty well with the regular section, too.  So anyway, I took my Haldol PRN and not sure if it did anything.  Maybe it hasn't been long enough- meds take about 20 minutes to start working after you swallow them.  I hope I don't get too tired from it, though.  So far, so good, though what would be the problem if I did get tired?  It's 9:30 already!  I'm watching The Muppet Show- the original- though.  I can't believe I don't feel tired at all from the Benadryl.  Maybe if I went and laid down it would help.  Still really liking the photos I printed!  Nobody has come over here to see them really.  Oh great. Now I'm not feeling well again.  I already took my night meds.  Benadryl maybe wasn't the best thing to take considering that my night scripts include Trazodone and Seroquel.  Ok. Off to watch TikTok in bed.  It's trying to relax time.  I think the Benadryl has hit.  My chest feels okay now.

PDoc Called - Hypomania- covid 19

 My pdoc called yesterday right after she got the email from my case manager about how I've been.  She said I have "good insight into your symptoms".  I don't think so.  It's my friends- both online and in real life- who clue me in.  So pdoc said I could increase Seroquel or Haldol and I picked Haldol as I have a ton of that.  She said to take my regular 2.5 mg every evening as usual and then add 2-4 mg as needed for hypomania.  It's the weather changes, she says.  She will call next week. Thing that worries me is that I spent over $100 on photos- I had a bunch of my photos of my kids 10+ years ago printed and framed and they are now surrounding my living room- there are 11 8x10's!  Don't get me wrong: They look GREAT!  Even friends have said I'm a good photographer just from seeing a quick TikTok that I did of them!  Anyway, pdoc said she thinks I'm hypomanic because I've been sleeping less and spending a lot of money.  Lately, I've been getting up before 9:00 when previously I was getting up at 11.  That's a GOOD thing!  I can get up while the Spring birds are still chirping.  As I type this, I'm listening to Rene Jacobs sing French songs.   I guess he speaks fluent French, in addition to English and other languages.  I saw a video of him teaching a couple women voice lessons- one was in French and the other was in English.  

On Friday, I have my annual apartment inspection and there are a million things on the check list they sent!  Some items are easy like making sure the grass is cut in addition to other outdoor issues because the apartment complex takes care of those.  I'm putting things off- I don't know why.  Maybe because I don't want it to get messed up again before she comes to inspect the apartment.

I miss Noah singing.  Especially when he was little.  I've got a black-and-white photo I took of his face while he was singing during a voice lesson that is part of my new 8x10 collage.

I went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago because it was time and I wanted contacts and a newer prescription in my glasses.  So I bought a year's worth of contact lenses- the regular ones; I wanted to buy green ones which I did try on, but they didn't look cool enough to spend another $100 on.  (THAT'S not a hypomanic symptom, but it was weeks ago.)   My contacts came in earlier this week and my glasses came in today.  (Saturday.)  I hope I don't run out of contacts before our Disney trip.  Oh yeah!  The Disney trip! Well, if we can manage to all have the money for it.  My mom is paying for a large portion of it, so it really won't be that much.  Little by little sock away a few dollars here and there.  Now that I just paid my AAA bill with my credit card, I have to watch to make sure I still have the money in my account to pay for that next month.  Oh- and I have an appointment to get the Johnson & Johnson covid vaccine on the 19th of this month.  It's not easy finding appointments!  I filled out 3 online applications which told me that they were full until I went to the site Christopher used to get his vaccine.  They had plenty of spots!  Although, I told Karen that they had lots of spots and she said they didn't when she went on, so I don't know.  There were two weeks' worth when I scheduled mine.

I've been using TikTok lately.  I've found a couple people to follow that do really funny live shows.  I said something in the chat and the woman I was watching last night actually answered my comment!  She had at least 30 square-framed photos up behind her- all pictures of her late dog!  A tribute wall.  I said "I thought I had a lot of pictures of my kids!"  I guess not?  Perspective, right?  I also have watched a couple live streams on TikTok of this guy named "UncleMike75".  He is younger than me by only a few years.  He is really funny!  Both in his live streams and in his regular TikTok videos.  He is from South Carolina and I just love his accent.  He is very popular.  There were over 2,500 people in his chat last time I watched one!

Speaking of how old people are, I had my birthday a few weeks ago.  The big 49.  Next year will be the REALLY big one!  Especially for my mom- her birthday is the day before mine- as she will be 75!

My psych case manager made an appointment for the week after next to come to my apartment and have an appointment, I guess.  I don't know what's wrong with the office?  I don't know what we'll talk about except whether or not I'm still hypomanic.  

So my town is under a big warning about covid- apparently we have a huge number of cases in both zip codes of the city.  So I'm going to try to stay home as much as I can.  I have to go to the grocery store though, but today is Saturday and I'm sure the grocery store will be packed.  Sunday is worse!  What's weird is that I don't think they've changed the rules about dining out or saying that people need to stay home.  Just a news article from a local radio station telling us this.  

Well I'm really hungry- it's time for lunch and I've missed breakfast, but I did have a Starbucks Italian Cold Brew coffee this morning.  We'll see what there is to eat here.  I'm almost out of milk and Caleb would say that is a national emergency!  He says I always get milk when I'm at the grocery store and its a tragedy when I run out.  

Hypomazing!

 So no call back.  Grr.  I wonder if they will call tomorrow.  I still feel like I'm not important enough to call back again.  Like pdoc said to my case manager, "Oh HER again??!  Just don't reply.  She'll go away eventually..."  Still listening to Rene Jacobs.  It quit raining but its all dripping out now.  I have snacked all day.  Some chicken here, a dry fake peanut butter sandwich there, and apple over there.  I had a granola bar, too.  

I'm kinda sleepy.  Guess I'm not hypomanic after all if I'm sleepy at 7:30 p.m.!  I got up at 9.  I went out and did a lot of errands, including doing the $30 rebate for my contacts.  It was a lot to do just for 15% of the cost.  But oh well. I'm getting a visa gift card with the money on it.  That's good for what?  I'm not sure!  A couple more pix and frames!  hahahahahaha!  Eleven are not enough!  I made a TikTok out of my pix, but it kept cutting off the end. I guess I need to hold it at the end?? They wanted a photo of two boxes of the contacts- the info on the end of the box where your script is.  My script is the same for both eyes, so I still took one pic with both boxes in it.  Otherwise, they would be like, "You're missing a box.  Redo this whole application! Ahhahahahahaha!"  I really think I printed out too many photos.  And for what?  I never have people over.  The one person who HAS seen what they look like said I'm going to be an old lady who writes the people's names on their pic on the front.  I just felt like these few pix needed immortalized.  I need to make another photo book- that's what I need to do, but first I need to study the books I already have to make sure that I don't put the same photo in the new book as in an old one.  That is a long process!  And a perilous one because you're working with a program the whole time that is drag and drop and type-on-the-page.  It's always precarious until you hit that final submit and even then its like "Will it go through or not?"  What I really need to do is get some new pix of all the kids that are current.  Then I'll really be happy.

Still no call from pdoc or the case manager.  I think they left without calling me back.  I wonder if pdoc even opened the email from the case manager.  I think I shouldn't have called. I called because people in the bipolar chat last night said I should, but when I tell them that pdoc and CM think its weird.  Of COURSE they do!  Wait till I plunge into depression and guilt WRACKS me woefully!  All for printing pix.  I started out with the one of N3 - the super close up of his face pouting- and then I had to have more then I had to have MORE!  Now I have them SURROUNDING me in my living room!  All for what- for me to see them every day and get bored of them and want MORE??  Nobody is going to see them, really.  Except whoever looks at my TikTok, which I MADE that video for my friend Christine to see how many I have!  

I'm out of the habit of writing poetry.  It was all in January and mostly February.  I haven't written in my blog in over a month, as there are no posts from March, and so far none for April. 

Psychotic Breaks?

 My dad once referred to my having a psychotic break but I really think I haven't. I don't know if my dad thought that because of what I write in my bipolar blog - including the recent poetry- because I don't remember writing "Pdoc says it was a psychotic break..." I have felt persecuted at times though. Most recently, I though people were out to steal my identity- and why not, when a commercial for Lifelock comes on several time an hour on tv? Another time, I thought there were people in my walls coming to get me. Or the time I was convinced these two people were following me and my daughter- all the way into the parking garage and ALMOST to our car, when they got into their own car. I'm not sure if these are psychotic breaks or just my imagination. I thought aliens were at the balcony door/window- knocking ever so lightly- when I was 20 and had just gotten my wisdom teeth out. My parents said it was the pain meds making me think those things. That same time period, I thought the dark was coming to get me. The blackness of the windows at night was coming inside to get me. Again- meds or...?

While Day is Done

 O Sweetness

My love

My jewel!

Your forehead I kiss

Singing to your bliss

Wand'ring round

We go up and down

That path so curved

Where all your cares be served

Wond'ring how

Your pains were eased

All your tumult be ceased

O Sweetness

O Love

O Joy!

Singing thy peace

My Dear, sweet babe

Your contentedness may never cease.

Sweet slumber

Dear rest

In ease

I sing you this song

While day is done.

A Tender Bliss

 Silently I hide

Away- I am to myself inside

In perpetuity to secret myself away

Into the twilight

That is my mind to stay.

And to a little one all quiet and sedate

Nigh, I turn my thoughts to create.

A tender heart from internal ways,

Subdued for all your days.

No solitude,

My lovely friend

A comfort to my end

Without you I fall deeper.

O when I feel your sweet caress

A gentle sigh

While you are wonderfully nigh.

O sweetest joy!

Come to my breast

With ease at your rest

My sweetest boy.

Silently, you sleep embraced by my deep

Love to always keep

You safe in my heart-

O deep, caressing-

Child to whom I am singing.

And I tell you this:

I will give you rest

Every day I am here

A gentle comfort

So near-

A tender sleeping bliss,

My Dear.

In Time I Sing

 In time I sing a song with spirit

For a longing so near it

That the pleasures they possess

In here increase in flesh

Love to bring my days with ease

All ways to please

By your charms

Unless you save me in your arms.

But my heart is worn

By your woeful scorn

I shall perish at thy breast

For I can no longer 

Feel comfort in my rest.

A Parting Sigh

 When I am free

Where'er I do fly

I am beneath so far,

Mine soul does cry.

All is lost

Joy ephemeral

O gone is my bliss

With sorrow I do kiss

Your timorous being.

Disgorge my overflowing heart

As such can I never salvage

My efflorescent mind.

But then my blissful soul you prove

Pleasures and pain you move.

O pity me

If by constant tenderness

Ah! Cruel evening breeze

Which made me freeze!

Sorrow is my friend

Sleeping there at my end

Never wanting for a parting sigh

I fall and softly die.

My Longing Alone

Be still my subtle muse
All sorrow is nigh
My soul cannot refuse
A suffering woeful sigh.

In mourning with the sacred muses
Pity the soul which scorn chooses.

Now tolls the bell
Sweetly ringing goes
Into my breast
My weary self to rest.

Awake the knelling of a calling
My sweet heart felling
All my sinful sighs
Cannot tie
A broken mind
To itself in esse unkind.

Softly
Sings my song
Love is
Through Death piping my longing alone.

While I in Grief

While I in grief

My silent spirit goes

Do all my torments bestow

No restful cares below.

For I am plagued with strife-

Within the shadows and the light-

Where all your pains are eased

A comfort I do not know.

While I in grief

No visions of relief

What sorrow I do feel

Surpassing all that is real.

And to my sorrows near

An element of fear

Climbs into my heart

My unknown to start.

Soon I fall into a part

Of Death-

That cannot lead to rest.

A fitful maze

I climb anew

And cheerful notes

Are but few.

Time brings a tolling knell

Around this terrible thing I tell

When all is lost I see

A soulful place to be.

O hear my call!

O see my fate

With darkened memories I will wait

For me to fall

Into Death's wiley charms.

While I in grief

My silent spirit goes

Do all my torments bestow

No restful cares below.

Not all my Torments

 Not all my torments

Will your pity move

All my cares

Does your cold heart remove.

A subtle torment-

You do me wrong

A torture O so long!

In sorrow I sing this song-

Your heart does mine great scorn

For pleasures you greatly remove

A final sigh does not improve

A weary soul-

Is worn.

A final call to life

Within my hour of strife

A tolling bell-

A resounding knell-

For I will fall until I die.

And you may be the why-

And when-

I don't return again.

Not all my torments

Will your pity move

All my cares

Does your cold heart remove.

When Fate Calls

When I am at rest,

My mind goes down below

All the pleasures they bestow

Unwelcome guests.

On a rock I rest 

The tide threatening

To take me

Where I know best.

At once I am called to that place so deep

With ease I have wept

A comfort where I slept.

Falling-

My way calling

To an endless turning

My soul surely burning

For when fate calls you

You go to certain misery.

Round and round

Floating and yearning

O my Dear!

O my Dear!

Gently falling

When I am at rest,

My mind goes down below

All the pleasures they bestow

Unwelcome guests.

Now Canst Thou Hear

 Now canst thou hear

O all manners of delight

Shaped with bosom near

All brass and bright.

With great nature I adore

What can'tst I bear I ignore

For ether is unveiled

Is surely Day quite revealed?

Longing for to love today,

I mourn and weep- 

Unfound my way.

And in that curse I find myself-

A cry to keep-

Inside, my mirth.

Joy is nigh where great grief waits

All hung above in my fates

And to this life I see

A reflection that is me.

All lost is what I see

A tune that's longing to be free

With joy a distant memory,

I fall into the darkened sea.

Music is a soothing care

Where I follow it near to there

A somber sleep with me does fall

With voices' shadows me do call.

And if I slumber before I dare

To dream up high 

All in the air.

The sun falls down and tells the tale

Of around my mournful fate

To which I cannot escape.

So where the metal horns do sound

A cry!   And wrap around

I hear their great delight

But I am fallen back in time

My mind and self only mine.

A day will come 

When I will pass a weary trodden path

And I will choose which way I go

A hand my own self soothes

And I will come again to this place anew.

My Own Version - O Death Rock Me Asleep

O Death rock me asleep.

Bring me to quiet rest.

Thou has mine heart to keep

A soothing wave in thine breast.

As I am to be

Fallen among the tide so smooth,

A lapping ride of lamenting ease

And comfort here to soothe.

O Death rock me asleep

Among the lonely deep,

And in my mind I pine within

A doleful rest begin.

My soul must fly

To places unknown

But yae I am flown!

For now I die

In places forlorn 

With songs which I adorn.

O Death rock me asleep

Quiet breath to keep

Under depths unknown

A soft repose

In death-

I sigh and rest

My weary breast.

O Death rock me asleep

Bring me to quiet rest.

Thou has mine heart to weep

A soothing wave in mine breast.

O Death Rock Me Asleep - Lyrics

This has always been one of my favorite songs, written by Anne Boleyn.   I have a recording of this song by sung by Alain Zaepffel.  The text for that song is below and the full text of the poem is also included  here.

O Death rock me asleep

Bring me to quiet rest,

Let pass my weary guiltless ghost

Out of my woefull breast.

Toll on the passing bell,

Ring out the dolefull knell,

Let the sound my death tell;

For I must dye,

There is no remedye,

For now I dye.

 O DEATH, rock me asleep,

Bring me to quiet rest, Let pass my weary guiltless ghost Out of my careful breast.

Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. My pains who can express? Alas, they are so strong; My dolour will not suffer strength My life for to prolong. Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Alone in prison strong I wait my destiny. Woe worth this cruel hap that I Should taste this misery! Toll on, thou passing bell; Ring out my doleful knell; Let thy sound my death tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy. Farewell, my pleasures past, Welcome, my present pain! I feel my torments so increase That life cannot remain. Cease now, thou passing bell; Rung is my doleful knell; For the sound my death doth tell. Death doth draw nigh; There is no remedy.

Oh! They killed EVERYthing!

 Time just keeps going.  I don't even know why I'm writing this, except that I just looked through my Facebook memories and they were from 2010, 2012, etc.  I didn't even have this blog in 2010!  Below, I've posted a link to a video of me and Nataleigh, my daughter.  This must have been around 2006 considering how old she looks.  We were just having a great time at Wendy's for lunch.  It's not the best quality because it was filmed on an old phone-  MAYbe on my iPhone?  Or if not, maybe the one before that which was not a smart phone.  I'm not sure, but I don't have an iPhone anymore.  That was years ago, which may match up with when this was taken, actually.  Me and Nataleigh at Wendy's . 

But back to time keeps going... We all know this.  Every day, you are that much older.  Kids grow up, have their own kids, etc. and pretty soon the photos and videos of me and MY kids turn into them and THEIR kids.  This hasn't happened yet for me, but I watched it happen to my mother.  And I see old pictures of when MY kids were born and think that I was 25 at the time my eldest came into this world, and that would make my mom 50 in those pix.  Now, this year, I turn 49!  I'm not expecting any of my kids to have a baby any time soon, but anything is possible.  My parents are now 74 this year and I see things in the news about famous people dying at age 83, etc.  That gives my parents another 10 or so years to live and then they will be gone.  Well, it all depends.  Anything could happen.  My mom's mom lived until she was 94 and my dad's parents lived into their 90's as well.  My maternal grandfather died in his early 80's because he had lung and brain cancer.  So now all my four grandparents are dead.  Nothing unusual about that, I supposed when I'm nearly 50.  I was sad that they died, but it is going to be really hard when my parents die.  I am not looking forward to that day, except to imagine that I will be very sad.  

So for today, I think I'll clean something.  Call my kids.  My youngest is in school today all day, so I shouldn't call and disturb him.  The old videos that I found and put on youtube recently- one of them was me and the kids at the dinosaur museum.  Nathan and Nataleigh walked into a different room, but Noah kept walking in the big, main room filled with animal skeletons both big and small.  A few seconds in, he exclaims, "Oh!  They killed EVERYthing!"  Fun to actually see him say one of the funny things he has always said that I've written down and written books about! Oh! They killed EVERYthing!

Time just keeps going.  And that's good.  I'm an archivist at heart.  I love taking photographs and writing down quotes of my kids'.  Today, the funny things they say are far and few between- mostly because I don't live with them 24/7/365 like I used to.  But every so often, I catch a flash of something remarkable.  It certainly has made for great conversations over the years!  So here's to today and tomorrow and yesterday.  May we keep in touch with our family so those memories don't fade and we make new memories every day!

O Death Rock Me Asleep

The last week, I've been thinking about death.  Yes the usual "O death! O death rock me asleep..."  But also about how my parents could die at any moment.  They will be 74 this year.  How they may or may not live another 20 years.  Heck! I may not live another 20 years!  

I've been reading a book by Kay Redfield Jamison called "Touched with Fire"- a 260+ page book about artistic people and madness- specifically bipolar.  Of depression, but of the type that manic-depressives get.  (It is somewhat different than unipolar depression.)  Lots of quotes by famous artists and writers and musicians and commentary in between.   The speak of bleakness and of blackness and of Spring flowers still causing depression against the mania you'd think they would evoke.  

All of this is mildly triggering for me but it is also fascinating.  

I am also reading Virus Hunter by C.J. Peters.  A timely read though it was written in the 90's.  Its about the author's 30 years in dealing with "hot" viruses like the Hanta virus, Ebola, and Marburg.   I found something else he wrote in pdf format online but I haven't gotten around to reading it.  I hope there are still people like him doing his job about.  We definitely need them! https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-virology-031413-085401 

https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-virology-031413-085401