A pizza

2/23 I am feeling worried which is giving way to those visions of stabbing myself. And my thoughts are turning increasingly dark and depressed. I don't know what to do.

I just can't stop the negative thoughts and they go from happy to fearful and hateful to depressed in minutes.

My brain has taken us for a ride. Down. Down who-knows-where land.

2/24 I need a shower but it seems so difficult. I even refused an offer of sex last night from my great partner.

I am at my partner's house. Sex and hanging out with him for a bit seems to have gotten the endorphines going and cheered me up - at least a little. We'll see what happens when I leave.

What's happened since I left: Talked with my mom, maintenance on my car and the continuing feeling of exhaustion that I've had for a couple weeks. Flu-like exhaustion. I'm not sick. I just went to the doctor this week.

2/25 I'm still worried about the bill situation this week. Why do I feel like everything's about to fall apart and implode if church choir was ok? Is it because I was with friends?

2/26 Feeling good then bad then good again all day.

2/27 Same: Laughing then crying then back again. What is my brain doing?

I feel paranoid that my kids will be killed or hurt.

I'm craving sex intensely. I have been for at least a week or two.

I went to the grocery store this morning to get some food items to last us a couple days as we're having a snowstorm today. While there, iasked an employee where an item was. I was perfectly set to go hunt it down but something mustve tipped him towards my brain's current state. While I was making "I got it! Thanks!" Proclamations, he was saying "Here, I'll show you where they are..." And off he went with me thinking "What's his problem? I can do this...." I dont know if its my brain lately or maybe he thought he was doing a good deed but at least I found my pizza.