This morning, I called my psych dr. Told her what I've typed here lately. She said if I didn't take myself to the psych ER, she would call an ambulance to take me! So here I sit. I just got frisked- both with clothes on and without! I just haven't been able to sit still and yet my body absolutely aches for sleep. I was lucky to get admitted to the same hospital as last time; they don't always have beds. I didn't want to go to a strange hospital that may or may not have computers.
Strangely, people keep asking me if I'm hearing voices, but I'm not. I don't know why not. I mean, that would be entertaining, right? If I'm going to go batshit, at least make it interesting!
This day feels like its been three days long. Its 11:08 p.m. and my body says its 4:00 a.m. All of that bouncing like the rabbit I am no doubt contributed to this.
No bathroom privileges. Again. Ugh. I have to ask every time I need to go. Then after a day or two they unlock it. My roomate is asleep. She doesn't appear to be very exciting, but hey- she's asleep. Back to groups. Back to more groups. But art therapy is fun! And my bank account will stay intact, unlike yesterday when I tried to buy a tablet.
I keep telling my story over and over. They don't seem to be able to understand how I could be suicidal one day and manic the next week. How could I talk about dying and going into paradise yet not feel sad and wanting to kill myself? Well, I don't know! It just is! Is the sun still sending my messages? They all think its seasonal affective disorder- SAD. Its NOT! I'm NOT SAD!
These computers make me happy.
I keep having a duality of my mind telling me the things it tells me- about knowing everything sent from the angels- and then the other side says, "No, that's not possible". Its teeters back and forth between the two. I must say that I'm not making these things up. I really do feel the way I type here and I really do believe what I type.
I'm exhausted. I'm beyond hungry. I need a reboot. All of me does. That's why I'm here.
You are where you are supposed to be for the moment...that's not an observation of being inpatient, by the way, it's philosophical so you'll know that things happen for a reason. Maybe you're just fine, or maybe you're batshit crazy. That's not for my to say and I so dislike the word "crazy" anyway. For what it's worth, I think you are amazing. And you can count on me being here when you need to chat. Love and hugs from one nut to another :)
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