Intrusive Thoughts Worse

I'm having many more intrusive thoughts of stabbing myself. I think it's because I feel stressed because I had my foodstamps cut off. I was supposed to get a call the morning I went to the hospital but I missed it. I don't know how because I was staring at the phone the whole time. The intrusive thoughts are worse tonight. Maybe some Ativan will help. I just will get skinny now. Me who just bought a computer. Don't hate. I hate myself enough. Bad intrusive thoughts! Triggers. They let me out of the hospital with these thoughts. I guess I could call the psych ER.

EDIT: I called the psych ER which transfered me to the psych unit I was on which retransferred me to the psych ER. All I was told was to take Ativan, but not two pills, just one. Nobody seemed to care too very much. But here's what plays in my mind: I have a long kitchen knife in my hand. Quickly, from below, I dart with one smooth motion, up and under my ribs. The impact is sharp, then dull as it presses through the layers. Its strangely satisfying. It hits the inner side of my left ribs as it tears my lung and heart. There is blood. Lots and lots of blood. I feel numb. My hands are covered. I drop the knife.