Day 2 - Rabbits Don't Cry

So here is day 2. I'm getting used to being here. The people are quite an eclectic mix of shapes, sizes, personalities and diagnoses. They are all pretty friendly. One person told me she is bipolar 2, and another said she is OCD. Another tries to tell fellow patients what to do, including to pray to god. She is constantly talking, especially during mealtimes.

I had my first group this morning. We made art. I colored a welcome mat. Coloring with fabric markers is very soothing. I will have to finish it another day. And later today we get pet therapy! When I saw that I smiled. Its a labradoodle. I also had exercise group first thing this morning and that really helped me feel more settled. It doesn't last forever, but for now I feel okay. After this meeting we're going to in a few minutes, I have an hour of free time. I might call my friend on the phone. It seems I'll be here another few days. A doctor came and talked to me again in general. We talked about Topomax again; I've wanted to be on this for a while because it is weight neutral and it helps with migraines. I am very happy about this new change. We're going to adjust the Topomax up little by little and see if I need the Ativan still. He's also going to keep in touch with my regular pdoc.

All in all, I don't feel judged here by anybody. I don't feel guilty. I don't feel like I'm wrong for anything I do. Everyone is dressed in street clothes, or scrubs and tees and hospital socks. Its all very accepting.

We just had a meeting about the rules here. It seems there are levels. And you earn each level. I'm thinking I'm still the lowest level. Eventually, you can get a pass to go with a staff member outside the locked unit onto other hospital grounds, and then after that you move up to being able to go home for four hours or so. I'm not sure if you need to go with a staff member for that one. It doesn't seem like this is going to be a short trip.

I have been talking with my friends on the phone. Joy was just wonderful. I should really call Karen, too. I can't get ahold of Christine. It means so much to have friends who love you unconditionally!

My mom is going to come later when groups are over.

Last night, I woke up feeling like I had a fever of 104. Turns out, the box part of the plug for my cpap had fallen under my pillow! Not only was it heating me up that much, but the box itself was very very hot. I tried to leave my room to find a nurse, but the door wouldn't open. She did come find me though, so I don't know how that happened. We got the table switched around. Oh, and I have this machine with foam things to squeaze my calves because of my blood clots in my lungs a few months ago. They actually feel good! Nice leg massage while I fall asleep.

So I'm feeling better, but I feel out of touch with my bipolar board friends. One of them has this blog, but I can only hope she is reading it.

At lunch, one woman who swears a lot, called an African American staff member over to sit with her. I was eating my lunch two tables over when I heard her call him a nigger and him start laughing and explain that she can't use that word.

I dunno what I'm gonna do. I still feel anxious. Maybe I should ask for an ativan before the dog comes for pet therapy.

I've seen several doctors so far, but the coolest has been the Attending- a German woman with very short hair named Dr. Music.

Just saw a social worker. I'd seen her before here in the hospital but we couldn't remember where. She was so nice! We discussed eventual transitioning back into real life. She also talked about talking with my mom about what I'll be going through and what I'll need. Gosh I hope that goes well! That sounds just like what I need! Oh... I had Ativan. I do feel quiet a bit better. Yay.

Apparently, we've been on Psych Ward Light this weekend. Monday, the regular staff will be back.

In short, life is becoming predictable here. Food is regularly fed to us. The fridge is stocked with drinks. Its quiet. I know who to go to if a need to find my nurse or to ask a question. My bed is always there. My few things, like my assigned phone is always on my desk. My cpap has been a comfort- that familiar in-and-out of the air when I breathe. I can see why they have to wean you back to real life and why they say you should do regular things and things that you like when you get home. I don't know right now if I know what those things are. I know I like music and listening to music, too. I know I like photography and collecting funny quotes by my kids. Of course, I like adding to this blog about bipolar. I would love to get together with a good friend when I get out. Maybe Ken. My mother is coming a little bit later. At some point the social worker is going to talk with her but I don't think at this point.

Right now, I feel pretty much ok. Like I am past all the trauma and could just go home, but I don't think I could handle it if I jumped back into what brought me here. No way. I miss my kids. I miss their hugs. Thinking about them is making my nose tingle - no don't cry. Rabbits don't cry.