How I got to 2019 with Bipolar Disorder

1988- age 16:  Felt "off" somehow.  Parents sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with nothing but being a "normal teenager".  My thoughts felt off some how.  I'd hear voices talking to me in the night.  I thought it was my sister but I'd check and she was always asleep in her room.

1997- Age 25:  While pregnant with my first child, I was diagnosed with depression.  I was filled with anxiety at times.  Prescribed Zoloft.

1999- age 27: again on Zoloft for depression and anxiety- my 2nd pregnancy was high-risk- had premature labor, hospitalization to stop labor, and 6 weeks of strict bedrest.

2000- Age 27:  One day I was in the bathroom and looked out the window.  In the sky were orange rectangles.  I'd look away but they were always there again.  I thought they were alien spaceships.  I called my husband in to look but he said there wasn't anything unusual in the sky.

2001-  Age 29:  Third pregnancy was also high-risk due to premature labor at 28 weeks.  Eight weeks of strict bedrest - as with my second pregnancy, I had anxiety and depression because of the premature labor and bedrest.  After I had my third child, I was seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with post-partum depression.  I [trigger] had psychosis.  One day when I was in the shower with my 2nd child (age 2) I was washing her hair and saw my hands crushing her skull, blood and broken bone amongst hair and shampoo....[/trigger] My psychiatrist was a specialist in post partum depression but she never mentioned the psychosis.  I also had catatonic depressions.

2005- age 33:  Was walking my youngest into preschool one day, when I saw [trigger]a bloody scene before me: blood and spines and bones of the children thrown up against the walls everywhere...[/trigger] After I dropped my son off, I called my psychiatrist: she said not to go anywhere.  So I sat in my car.  Somewhere in there I was put on Celexa (as opposed to the zoloft I got in 2000).  I drove myself to Wendy's and went in.  I couldn't figure out what they did there.  I stared at the menu but had no idea what it said.  I asked myself what they did there but I really had zero idea.  I called my pdoc who freaked out and told me I shouldnt have driven.

2005- Age 33: I wandered around the neighborhood: everything was ultra real.  The smells, sights and sounds.... Somehow I relayed this derealization to my primary who sent me to another MD - he diagnosed me with premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

2005- Age 33: I was sent to a psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed after a bit with "Bipolar NOS" and put on Depakote.  I gained 50 pounds.  Previously I was a regular judo player and very fit.

2013 (?)- Age 31:  I changed pdocs somewhere in there and at the psych emergency services was put on zyprexa.  I was diagnosed with "Bipolar 1".  I've had various pdocs since then.  And many bouts with psychosis and mania and a bit of depression.

2013 (?)- Age 31: Somewhere in there I met my current pdoc and moved clinics.  I've gone through so many antipsychotics its not even funny.  Mood stabilizers too.  Pdocs have toyed with the idea of schizoaffective disorder but it goes back and forth.   Still hallucinate a lot.  I just got out of my worst Manicepisode a few weeks ago. (May, 2019).

2012-2017- Ages 40-45:  Oh and not to forget the 4 or so times since 2012 that Ive been  hospitalized in a psych hospital for up to 10 days each.  These include once in about 2014 when I [trigger]attempted suicide by taking 30 benedryl.  I was in the regular hospital and then the psych hospital following.[/trigger].  Hallucinations become severe and more often.  Delusions plague me.   Mania catches up with me and I almost had to be hospitalized.  Paranoia.  Not as much depression.  Lots of anxiety at times.  Lots and lots of med trials.  Difficult to find one I agree with.  Bouts of akathesia- at least 3.  A couple times my psych nurse practitioner talked about hospitalizing me but she didn't- I got a med change instead.