I talked with a social worker this morning. Filled out a what-I-am-going-to-be-doing-in... sheet. That is, what will I be doing in 24 hours, 48 hours, a week and a month. I basically wrote that I'll be seeing my kids and various friends. We talked about this family meeting with my mom that is happening around 2 today. (Its 10 right now.) She really seemed to sum up my whole life in 15 minutes! I was surprised. She says the instrusive thoughts can still be bipolar, but the wanting to cut to get rid of bad feelings is BPD. UGH. I am not happy about that. Not at all. then again, that's the first time this has ever happened, so that's something. I'm nervous for the family meeting. But this is the best its going to get- with doctors and social workers supervising it. It never goes anywhere when I try to explain things to my mom and definitely not her husband. They just get selfish and mean. That's how I feel. They just don't understand. I told the social worker that if we can get them to understand and help me and move things along at home and maybe less stress would lead to my getting a job then maybe we all would be happy. Is that too much to hope for? Still, at this point, part of me is afraid to go back to the usual at home. That this meeting is going to be holding it all together. Then again, my mom's husband is not attending the meeting so maybe it won't matter. Or maybe it will all be held together for a day, a week, two weeks, and then... Right now it all remains to be seen. And then I see my psych dr. They are moving up my appointment as a follow-up from being here. That will be the big thing. That will be the person who knows me best psych-wise sumarizing what's gone on and mixing it with our past talks- with MY past, with ME.
I'm planning on getting a pill box to organize my medications. The nurse that gave me my pills this morning suggested it because, "You have so many meds!" Of course, it remains to be seen whether or not I forget to fill the box or, more than that, whether or not I remembered whether or not I took the meds in the med box already!
I'm really looking forward to seeing my kids again. To hugging them. To kissing them. To hugging them some more. To laughing with them. (I'm tearing up!) I'm looking forward to Noah asking me lots of questions I don't know the answers to and our having to hunt them down online or in books. I'm looking forward to Nathan giving me a big hug and saying, "Hi, Mother!" I'm looking forward to Nataleigh just being around me and being Nataleigh.
We just had a group about how to deal with grief. We discussed grief we've gone through. I said it was my divorce and how a book on kids and divorce triggered that memory a few years later. We talked about how to help someone else who is in grief. The stages of grief. How people might withdraw, get angry, get sad, get numb... Then we discussed what one thing we could do today that was just for us. I said I'm going home today and seeing my kids. Another class starts soon. Not sure what is is. Then lunch.
My class was art class. I finished my welcome mat! It looks really nice. We did some shading that really makes it "pop". I'm happy with it. It took me all three classes to finish it and as luck would have it I finished it on my last day.
I saw the dr walk by who suggested BPD. I joked to my roommate that I should kick him or throw him to the ground (judo?) ... or just disrupt his gate somehow. Yeah. Because we're in a mental hospital, you know. Get me a longer stay. Possibly other things. Otherwise, that wouldn't be funny.
I'm pretty much set to go. I have my papers I filled out saying what i'm going to do in the next little bit that I mentioned about. There's just one more class at 1:00, then this meeting then I'm out. I'm things are packed- just a few clothes in a paper bag. I just have my cpap bag behind the desk to get. There are a lot of the same people here, but there are some new people, too. I will miss the routine, but at the same time I want to go do my own thing. I need a regular routine for myself, but finding that has proved difficult. Job and yoga, yeah.
Today has been nice and relaxing. Helpful. I wish the "every-day" of this stay will stay with me for quite some time. Maybe that can happen with my therapist. But I don't have very many visits left with my insurance. Just a handful for the next month or so.
The meeting with my mom was hard. I cried. We covered so much ground. The doctor still talked about borderline personality disorder but he made sure to tell me that it wasn't me. That I'm still me. That it is just a label. I am exhausted from the crying and the topics covered. I'm going home as soon as they can find a few things behind the counter and give me my script for Topomax. More from home. Probably a lot less for a while.
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