Some days I feel this way all day. My mind is not only a blank, but it just feels gone. A feeling of MY not being there, in addition to the void that is my consciousness. Its a comfortable feeling, as the rest of the world seems gone, too, pretty much. It is here that I feel not at peace, but basically nothing. The lack of bad things then feels "good".
My brain does this on its own, but it also does this on drugs. While watching the rain fall down the canvas umbrellas outside, I was completely taken in by the medium-sized drops coalescing into big drops as they languidly drew down the fabric. I was perfectly happy to continue this forever. My sense of time disappeared. It is sort of like when I travel to a new town. Everywhere is new to me; you'd think that this would be anxiety-provoking, but its actually calming: I am somewhere where nothing is expected and where the rules can be suspended - if only for a few minutes. The space inside the world seems bigger- the space surrounding my person is infinite.
So what is the bipolar and what is the drugs? Its hard to say, sometimes. I know that I will have increased sedation when starting an anti-psychotic, as this is their function: to put the old Dolby Noise Reduction over your brain and dampen down the messages. This is how they work: quieting the noise that is constantly bubbling, bouncing, and piping. Sometimes, I actually can't put two words together. I drop words as if they didn't exist anymore and I cannot go back and retrieve them. Not only is stuttering a problem, as I explained in a previous post, but the wrong words come out! Words that I didn't even realize I was thinking about. I think this disconnect is the one of the most difficult things to understand: How can you say a word you weren't even thinking about? Well, I was, obviously, or I wouldn't have said it, but things are so disconnected in my brain, that it is as if I am not my brain. What a liar! Bipolar is a LIAR! It makes my brain tell me things that are not true at all, from hallucinations, to believing that people are out to harm me.
Back around 2006, I was put on Celexa, which is an antidepressant. This was about six months before I was diagnosed as bipolar. I drove myself to Wendy's. I had no memory of driving there. I stared at the menu as the gears turned in futility while I read the items one by one and couldn't figure out what they were or what this place did! I walked down a hallway and tried to replay my trip there and to figure out what I was doing and how I was supposed to do it but I could not. Also, I had a complete lack of emotions. Zero. Zip. Zilch. An odd lack of sensation indeed! Something in the back of my brain said to call my psychiatrist- so I did. She got very concerned and said I shouldn't have been driving! Well, now I can't take Celexa because it makes me hypomanic, but this is another example of how drugs really can affect your ability to function.
Eventually, the side effects of the drugs may wear off and I can finally see the real me. Well, the real bipolar me. I think it is a mix between both most of the time. A continuum. The drugs supposedly return me to a "normal" state, but as I've written in recently days, my brain is far from what most people would consider normal. And that's okay. I'm funny, creative, silly, and kind. I credit some of this to being bipolar. I just see things differently. My ability to be empathetic also allows me to form closer friendships. I will probably never be medication-free - I just go downhill too quickly. It is a mixture and a balance- me, things bipolar helps with like creativity, and who I've always been.
This is my brain and this is my brain on drugs.
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