Lunch was good. Just cafeteria food, but I did talk with my roomie! The girl I'm rooming with seemed pretty quiet at first but opened up at lunch. We talked about Black Friday shopping and driver's ed. It seems she's 18.
I still feel internally not okay. I just took some Ativan, so I should be feeling a bit better soon. I have nothing to read, but I could try the phone again. My mom might be coming to visit, but another friend can't come until Sunday. I'm bummed about that, but I'll be more used to it then. I think I'm leaving then, but we shall see.
The staff all seem pleasant. Now I'm beginning to worry, after talking to that dr, that I'm making this all up and that I don't really need to be here. That my intrusive thoughts, as he put it, are my fault. I'm not required to do things on my first day. Groups, I mean. Good. I need to get this all out and just talk to family. My mom said she might show up for a visit today! Amazing that I want her here since she frequently annoys me to no end, but when I'm sick she's always good to me. That reminds me: I feel I am constantly criticised at home. I know it can't be true, but that's how it feels. That said, I've had a good last month which is in contradiction with how my mood has gotten worse and worse over that same time period. I cried in my room this morning, so whatever is going on in my mind is still fresh. I wish I had some music to listen to! I can't have anything like that. As I said, this computer is a luxury and just having it is improving my mood. Its funny that I feel good right now- sitting here clean in my scrub bottoms and a tshirt. Its quiet here. The voices are friendly. Everybody is nice to me. There are no relationship expectations. Some of the patients don't seem to want to talk, so I let them be. I think the staff being kind is going to go a long way for me.
Just as I was about to finish this up, two doctors came up to see me. One I'd seen before, but the other was unfamiliar. They took me into a long-desked meeting room and closed the door. The silence was palpable. The first thing the attending said was that she noticed my blog! (The name is big as anything on the top of the screen, after all. She said its a good way to keep events and moods. I agree!) The attending doctor had reviewed with the doctor I'd talked to earlier and we reviewed my case. We eventually came to a compromise of keeping the lithium and low dose of Zyprexa and adding Topomax. I've wanted to try Topomax for quite some time so I was very happy! The attending had mentioned Lamictal, but from what I've read, no. Nevermind that you can get a "bad body rash", as she put it; I think its more like that rare reaction where your skin all sloughs off and you are at risk for everything that happens when you have no skin! No thank you! I am very pleased about the Topomax. Of course, it remains to be seen how I feel on it. I'm happy my meds got changed in the hospital here and that I might actually start to feel better overall.
I swear this blog has kept me together- at least more than I would've have been otherwise. The last three weeks, I've gone down and down gradually. Now I am at least feeling better this afternoon.
The rabbit has had another tiny white crumb to eat,and is feeling fine, passing through the tiny door into the meadow.
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