Take Them Take Them! Do it! Do it!

 My pdoc's nurse just called. I thought she was going to be my pdoc as that's what was written down on my discharge paperwork from the hospital that I was just in. Anyway she asked me how I'm feeling and I said "hunky dory" and then she said are you hearing voices or seeing things. So I get off the phone after denying it and now I have voices talking to me saying "Take them take them take them!". Lovely. Should I call pdoc's nurse back now or wait it out or take a prn or just wait till I talk with my pdoc on Friday?

Now they are saying "Do it!"

I took 2 mg of Haldol and my pdoc's nurse is going to talk with my case manager and my pdoc and call me back. I really hope that the Haldol works but 2 mg is nothing!

They are now telling me to shut up!

Shut up! fuck you! We will kill you.... yeah. Fun!

Now my case manager just called. The consensus is that I should give my meds to somebody to hold and just keep tonight and tomorrow morning's doses and see how I feel tomorrow and that the crisis team will call me for a check up tonight.

It's only about 3:30 p.m. here right now and I feel like it is 6. Maybe because I got up way early. Still hearing the voices. I want to scream back at them but so far I haven't!

My daughter came and picked up a bag of my meds with enough for tonight and tomorrow left here with me. Now waiting on the crisis team to call and check up on me. Hope they call soon!

Hospitalized Again

 I say "again" but it had been since about 2016 that I'd been hospitalized.  This time, I called the my pdoc's office and talked with someone on the crisis team.  I had been gathering pills and going to far as to put them in my hand with a glass of iced coffee next to me.  I knew it was just a matter of time before I got brave enough to take all the pills.

I started to drive myself to the psych ER 7 miles away, but my mom said to go to the one that is literally down the street from where I live.  So I went home and waited for K, my mom's husband, to pick me up.  My mom came up to the hospital to be with me once I got a room in the ER.  So much nicer than the other hospital- they have chairs but no beds really and you end up staying up all night while they wait to see you and then find you a bed in a hospital if that's what you need.  

At this closer hospital, I just watched TV in my room.  I had to get someone to take me to the bathroom because this was protocol.  I had my door open and so did most other people in that hallway.  One was psychotic or manic or both.  She wouldn't stay in her bed or stop trying to escape.  They finally had police and lots of medical personnel come hold her down and give her a cocktail of some night-night meds.  She fought it hard, though!  Eventually, she fell asleep.  In the room next to mine, I watched as doctors strapped a woman to her bed.  These weren't the thick leather straps- they were white and looked soft.  It's just that she couldn't get out of bed that way.  Both these people were very loud!  Screaming at times, but mostly shouting unintelligible things.  I thought I shouldn't be there with them because after all "I'm not that bad off".  Apparently, that's not the way things work.  Just because I didn't need a shot of Haldol+ doesn't mean I wasn't sick, too.

They finally found me a room an hour and 20 minutes away.  They had an ambulance take me.  The ride seemed short, but I did doze off for a bit.  (I hadn't slept all night, despite having a bed because I didn't have any distilled water for my CPAP.)  We left around 8 a.m.

My stay in the hospital was par for the course of being in a mental hospital.  Groups, TV, lots of other patients of all sorts.  I mainly kept to myself.  This is unlike me.  Usually, I'm very social.  I spent my time napping, reading or on the phone with friends.  At first I was pretty depressed and slow.  The doctor who saw most of us, was kind of a flake.  He decided the reason I had this episode of depression was because of a break up between me and a friend 6+ weeks ago.  It didn't phase me- that isn't the case!  He took one look at my file and said "You're on too many of the wrong meds!"  Then he looked at my list of meds I can't take and concluded that there was nothing he could do for me!  So they ended up sending me home on the same meds I came in with.  Luckily, I talked with Caleb a fair amount and that was cheerful and engaging.  

We got 3 square meals a day.  I thought we were the best fed patients!  Everything about that food was just sustainable, but it did taste good.  I just wouldn't say it was haut cuisine.  We colored and had groups.  We talked about various things.  There was one patient there who was a homeless alcoholic who spoke of going right back out and drinking again even with "the DTs".  I felt bad for him.  Everything out of his mouth was negative.  Everything.  Then there was the girl who went around to others chattering at us in a fast, choppy tone.  I mostly ignored her.  In fact, I didn't make any "friends" there except maybe one of the people who works there.  He was very helpful and never criticized.  

After 5 days, I got picked up by Kevin and we drove the hour and 20+ minutes to the pharmacy.  You see, my meds were due to be picked up anyway and my mom had picked up a bottle of Rexulti from my pharmacy and drove it to the hospital!  This is because the hospital could order all my meds from their pharmacy but not Rexulti for some reason.  So when Kevin and I got back to the pharmacy to hand the Rexulti to the pharmacist so she could add them back to the blister packs and then give me the completed packs.

Haldol PRN

 Well I broke down and took some of the extra Haldol just now.  I picked up my new glasses this morning.  They are taking some getting used to - I forgot that I'd ordered bifocals.  When I picked them up, I tried them on, but couldn't see because I had my contacts in.  So tonight I took out my contacts and put these new glasses on and immediately I noticed "the lines" of the bifocals!  I can see out of the bifocal part and the regular part, but where they join is blurry!  So right now, I'm typing on the computer looking through the regular area.  I have to raise my head and look DOWN at what I'm typing if I want to use the bifocal part.  Actually, it IS easier to read with the bifocal part, but I don't like having to hold my head up so far.  My old glasses are trifocals and they are the kind that there are no lines!  I got used to those immediately but these are annoying me!  I've had friends that got them say that they had a hard time walking in them.  Steps and curbs and stuff were hard to navigate.  I made my second tiktok tonight introducing myself talking about these glasses and my deluge of 8x10 photos I got this week!  I tried not to look like a dork, but my friend Christine said I look "great" in the video, so there it is.  I have no idea how to do all the fancy editing.  Heck!  I don't even know how many seconds I have left when I'm recording, so it just cuts me off.  Then I tried to edit that out and I couldn't figure that out either!  I have no idea what I'm going to post about in the future.  I probably won't be lip synching to songs though.  Right now, my choices are 15 seconds or 60 seconds.  I swear other people's videos are longer than a minute.   I'm eating a pear.  It's crunchy!  I went out to Walgreen's again - this time to get Benadryl.  I had an asthma flare up earlier and wasn't sure how I was feeling- my chest hurt a little- felt congested and somehow painful so I used my inhaler with my spacer (allows the medicine to disperse through the air in the spacer before I breathe it in).  Then I took some Benadryl in case it was an allergic reaction or allergies from dust mites or seasonal.  (I don't THINK I have bed bugs!)  Now feeling fine.  I stayed home today except to go to Walgreen's to get the Benadryl.    Tomorrow, I should get working on my inspection stuff- I need to clean my bathroom top to bottom! Maybe sweep and mop?  It isn't just cleaning- it's making sure things like the smoke alarms work.  Well the last time I used the oven they sure did!  And it says something about the carbon monoxide detector but the thing I thought was one says AT&T on it so I don't want to touch that - whatever it is.  It seems so much harder now that I'm by myself even if my place *is* a lot smaller.  I do like my new glasses though- They're nice and clear so the little bit of a prescription change really helped.  It's just that the bifocal lines are blurry.  I can read better through the bifocal parts, even though I can read pretty well with the regular section, too.  So anyway, I took my Haldol PRN and not sure if it did anything.  Maybe it hasn't been long enough- meds take about 20 minutes to start working after you swallow them.  I hope I don't get too tired from it, though.  So far, so good, though what would be the problem if I did get tired?  It's 9:30 already!  I'm watching The Muppet Show- the original- though.  I can't believe I don't feel tired at all from the Benadryl.  Maybe if I went and laid down it would help.  Still really liking the photos I printed!  Nobody has come over here to see them really.  Oh great. Now I'm not feeling well again.  I already took my night meds.  Benadryl maybe wasn't the best thing to take considering that my night scripts include Trazodone and Seroquel.  Ok. Off to watch TikTok in bed.  It's trying to relax time.  I think the Benadryl has hit.  My chest feels okay now.

PDoc Called - Hypomania- covid 19

 My pdoc called yesterday right after she got the email from my case manager about how I've been.  She said I have "good insight into your symptoms".  I don't think so.  It's my friends- both online and in real life- who clue me in.  So pdoc said I could increase Seroquel or Haldol and I picked Haldol as I have a ton of that.  She said to take my regular 2.5 mg every evening as usual and then add 2-4 mg as needed for hypomania.  It's the weather changes, she says.  She will call next week. Thing that worries me is that I spent over $100 on photos- I had a bunch of my photos of my kids 10+ years ago printed and framed and they are now surrounding my living room- there are 11 8x10's!  Don't get me wrong: They look GREAT!  Even friends have said I'm a good photographer just from seeing a quick TikTok that I did of them!  Anyway, pdoc said she thinks I'm hypomanic because I've been sleeping less and spending a lot of money.  Lately, I've been getting up before 9:00 when previously I was getting up at 11.  That's a GOOD thing!  I can get up while the Spring birds are still chirping.  As I type this, I'm listening to Rene Jacobs sing French songs.   I guess he speaks fluent French, in addition to English and other languages.  I saw a video of him teaching a couple women voice lessons- one was in French and the other was in English.  

On Friday, I have my annual apartment inspection and there are a million things on the check list they sent!  Some items are easy like making sure the grass is cut in addition to other outdoor issues because the apartment complex takes care of those.  I'm putting things off- I don't know why.  Maybe because I don't want it to get messed up again before she comes to inspect the apartment.

I miss Noah singing.  Especially when he was little.  I've got a black-and-white photo I took of his face while he was singing during a voice lesson that is part of my new 8x10 collage.

I went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago because it was time and I wanted contacts and a newer prescription in my glasses.  So I bought a year's worth of contact lenses- the regular ones; I wanted to buy green ones which I did try on, but they didn't look cool enough to spend another $100 on.  (THAT'S not a hypomanic symptom, but it was weeks ago.)   My contacts came in earlier this week and my glasses came in today.  (Saturday.)  I hope I don't run out of contacts before our Disney trip.  Oh yeah!  The Disney trip! Well, if we can manage to all have the money for it.  My mom is paying for a large portion of it, so it really won't be that much.  Little by little sock away a few dollars here and there.  Now that I just paid my AAA bill with my credit card, I have to watch to make sure I still have the money in my account to pay for that next month.  Oh- and I have an appointment to get the Johnson & Johnson covid vaccine on the 19th of this month.  It's not easy finding appointments!  I filled out 3 online applications which told me that they were full until I went to the site Christopher used to get his vaccine.  They had plenty of spots!  Although, I told Karen that they had lots of spots and she said they didn't when she went on, so I don't know.  There were two weeks' worth when I scheduled mine.

I've been using TikTok lately.  I've found a couple people to follow that do really funny live shows.  I said something in the chat and the woman I was watching last night actually answered my comment!  She had at least 30 square-framed photos up behind her- all pictures of her late dog!  A tribute wall.  I said "I thought I had a lot of pictures of my kids!"  I guess not?  Perspective, right?  I also have watched a couple live streams on TikTok of this guy named "UncleMike75".  He is younger than me by only a few years.  He is really funny!  Both in his live streams and in his regular TikTok videos.  He is from South Carolina and I just love his accent.  He is very popular.  There were over 2,500 people in his chat last time I watched one!

Speaking of how old people are, I had my birthday a few weeks ago.  The big 49.  Next year will be the REALLY big one!  Especially for my mom- her birthday is the day before mine- as she will be 75!

My psych case manager made an appointment for the week after next to come to my apartment and have an appointment, I guess.  I don't know what's wrong with the office?  I don't know what we'll talk about except whether or not I'm still hypomanic.  

So my town is under a big warning about covid- apparently we have a huge number of cases in both zip codes of the city.  So I'm going to try to stay home as much as I can.  I have to go to the grocery store though, but today is Saturday and I'm sure the grocery store will be packed.  Sunday is worse!  What's weird is that I don't think they've changed the rules about dining out or saying that people need to stay home.  Just a news article from a local radio station telling us this.  

Well I'm really hungry- it's time for lunch and I've missed breakfast, but I did have a Starbucks Italian Cold Brew coffee this morning.  We'll see what there is to eat here.  I'm almost out of milk and Caleb would say that is a national emergency!  He says I always get milk when I'm at the grocery store and its a tragedy when I run out.  

Hypomazing!

 So no call back.  Grr.  I wonder if they will call tomorrow.  I still feel like I'm not important enough to call back again.  Like pdoc said to my case manager, "Oh HER again??!  Just don't reply.  She'll go away eventually..."  Still listening to Rene Jacobs.  It quit raining but its all dripping out now.  I have snacked all day.  Some chicken here, a dry fake peanut butter sandwich there, and apple over there.  I had a granola bar, too.  

I'm kinda sleepy.  Guess I'm not hypomanic after all if I'm sleepy at 7:30 p.m.!  I got up at 9.  I went out and did a lot of errands, including doing the $30 rebate for my contacts.  It was a lot to do just for 15% of the cost.  But oh well. I'm getting a visa gift card with the money on it.  That's good for what?  I'm not sure!  A couple more pix and frames!  hahahahahaha!  Eleven are not enough!  I made a TikTok out of my pix, but it kept cutting off the end. I guess I need to hold it at the end?? They wanted a photo of two boxes of the contacts- the info on the end of the box where your script is.  My script is the same for both eyes, so I still took one pic with both boxes in it.  Otherwise, they would be like, "You're missing a box.  Redo this whole application! Ahhahahahahaha!"  I really think I printed out too many photos.  And for what?  I never have people over.  The one person who HAS seen what they look like said I'm going to be an old lady who writes the people's names on their pic on the front.  I just felt like these few pix needed immortalized.  I need to make another photo book- that's what I need to do, but first I need to study the books I already have to make sure that I don't put the same photo in the new book as in an old one.  That is a long process!  And a perilous one because you're working with a program the whole time that is drag and drop and type-on-the-page.  It's always precarious until you hit that final submit and even then its like "Will it go through or not?"  What I really need to do is get some new pix of all the kids that are current.  Then I'll really be happy.

Still no call from pdoc or the case manager.  I think they left without calling me back.  I wonder if pdoc even opened the email from the case manager.  I think I shouldn't have called. I called because people in the bipolar chat last night said I should, but when I tell them that pdoc and CM think its weird.  Of COURSE they do!  Wait till I plunge into depression and guilt WRACKS me woefully!  All for printing pix.  I started out with the one of N3 - the super close up of his face pouting- and then I had to have more then I had to have MORE!  Now I have them SURROUNDING me in my living room!  All for what- for me to see them every day and get bored of them and want MORE??  Nobody is going to see them, really.  Except whoever looks at my TikTok, which I MADE that video for my friend Christine to see how many I have!  

I'm out of the habit of writing poetry.  It was all in January and mostly February.  I haven't written in my blog in over a month, as there are no posts from March, and so far none for April. 

Psychotic Breaks?

 My dad once referred to my having a psychotic break but I really think I haven't. I don't know if my dad thought that because of what I write in my bipolar blog - including the recent poetry- because I don't remember writing "Pdoc says it was a psychotic break..." I have felt persecuted at times though. Most recently, I though people were out to steal my identity- and why not, when a commercial for Lifelock comes on several time an hour on tv? Another time, I thought there were people in my walls coming to get me. Or the time I was convinced these two people were following me and my daughter- all the way into the parking garage and ALMOST to our car, when they got into their own car. I'm not sure if these are psychotic breaks or just my imagination. I thought aliens were at the balcony door/window- knocking ever so lightly- when I was 20 and had just gotten my wisdom teeth out. My parents said it was the pain meds making me think those things. That same time period, I thought the dark was coming to get me. The blackness of the windows at night was coming inside to get me. Again- meds or...?

While Day is Done

 O Sweetness

My love

My jewel!

Your forehead I kiss

Singing to your bliss

Wand'ring round

We go up and down

That path so curved

Where all your cares be served

Wond'ring how

Your pains were eased

All your tumult be ceased

O Sweetness

O Love

O Joy!

Singing thy peace

My Dear, sweet babe

Your contentedness may never cease.

Sweet slumber

Dear rest

In ease

I sing you this song

While day is done.