It’s Been a Year!

 It’s been a year since I last posted!  

The year was ok in general.  But 3 months ago I saw my voice specialist.  Last time I’d seen him was 4 years ago.  I still can’t sing past C above middle C and on that particular day last October I was getting over a cold so I could sing down to the C below middle C.  This is exactly a tenor’s range!

The voice specialist had me read a short story while he was making a video of my vocal cords.  He compared it to the exact same thing from 4 years prior. I had zero memory that I’d read that very same story before but I had.  

In his notes, the voice doctor noted the tremor in my hands and wrote that my voice now has a tremor! I showed these notes to my primary doctor and to my Pdoc.  Pdoc decided to take me off Haldol and the cogentin that was supposed to be for side effects from the Haldol.  The cogentin I’d taken myself off because it gave me such a dry mouth! 

Now I’ve been off Haldol for a couple of weeks and I can’t tell if my voice has a quaver in it or not because I couldn’t hear it in the first place.  Maybe if was from the cold I was getting over at the time.  Or maybe it really was the Haldol.  

Pdoc also put me on Ativan for akathisia.  I take it twice a day.  

Hallucinations wise, I haven’t had any except maybe today when I thought I saw someone standing nearby our table at a restaurant but they vanished right before I turned my head up to get a proper look.

This is my update for now.  I guess no one reads this except my dad and my friend in Florida.

Seven Cavities & Dry Mouth & Seroquel Reduction

 Pdoc called for a checkup this morning, as scheduled.  (Next appointment will be in person!)  She asked if I was having any issues and of course I told her about my dry mouth since starting the Seroquel 300's and about what the dentist said about my oral health with the seven cavities I had all at once and that it was from the Seroquel drying my mouth out.  Pdoc asked me what I want to do. I said can we increase Haldol and not take Seroquel.  She said the Haldol is more for hallucinations and Seroquel is more for mood.  She said Rexulti is for mood and I'm on a good dose of that right now.  She said I might have trouble sleeping if we decreased the Seroquel but I said aren't I on trazodone for that and she said yes.  So in the end, we compromised on cutting the Seroquel in half so that I am now taking 150.  I called the pharmacy to ask them if they'd rearrange my blister packs in accordance with my new script i.e. cutting the pills in half and putting the halves in each evening's blister pack.  They said yes but not until tomorrow.  This was about 11 a.m. this morning.  The guy that answers the phone and mans the front counter there is always so negative!  It's like everything is a huge burden on him.  Sheesh!  The pharmacist would've said, "Sure!  We can get that done for you if you bring the pill packs in tomorrow!"  It's all in the tone of the person I guess.  So yeah I'm taking 300 tonight- unless I can find my pill cutter- and then hopefully 150 tomorrow night, etc.  I really hope it helps the dry mouth.  I'm having to take a mouth rinse that mimmicks natural saliva twice a day and to brush with a prescription toothpaste that I can't rinse or eat or drink after for half an hour.  My face was SOOO swollen on Monday after I got those 7 fillings!  Actually, I have a photo.  Maybe I'll post it here.  I look terrible though!  The medical doctor said my migraine was from all the dental work I had done at once.  I'm so glad they have that Toradol shot to "instantly" get rid of the migraine pain!   

Safety Plan, Driving, Seroquel Increase

 I saw my case manager today.  We spent an hour writing a safety plan.  This one is much more in depth than any others that I have created- it has names and phone numbers of people to call, calming things to do, things to look forward to...  None of them I created myself- they're always created with my case manager.  

Yesterday, my youngest child took his road test to get his license.  He passed!  We did some last minute backward and parallel parking a couple hours before in a parking lot that was set up for students to practice.  N3 said it was good that we did that before his test.  So tomorrow he gets his license- at least the paper one and the plastic one will come in the mail I assume.  Then he's all set up to drive - except he doesn't know how to drive a manual yet!  The car he bought is a stick shift, so he will have to practice!  But soon I won't have to drive him into work or pick him up.  What will I do?  No excuse to get up early!  (4:30!)

It's supposed to be a heat index of 100 at some point between now and 8 p.m. tonight.  Not as bad as some places!  And boy!  Speaking of cars, I'm glad mine has air conditioning.  My old one did not and I had to drive around feeling very hot with the windows down.  It was loud and sticky!

I finally got my increased Seroquel prescription.  My pdoc was supposed to write it and send it to the pharmacy on Friday soon after I talked with her.  But when I went to pick it up the pharmacy said they didn't have it.  The pharmacy asked me if I'd like for them to fill my other script for it, but that script is for 150 not 300.  So I said, no, I need the 300's.  So since it was Friday, nothing was open so I had to wait until Monday to call either the Pdoc's office or the pharmacy again.  Meanwhile, I didn't take my increased dose, UNTIL Monday night where I got the bright idea to take the "extra" 150 from one of my expired blister packs that I didn't use at the hospital.  (They give you your meds from their own pharmacy in the hospital.)  So Monday night, I felt like I was under water- my body felt overly heavy and my muscles felt like I was trying to walk through a swimming pool, each move pronounced.  I was also sleepy. I went straight to bed after that.  Then the next day, yesterday, I took the same 300 dose (this time from the 300 script I'd picked up finally) and felt slow again and sleepy.  At some point, this has to wear off, but I just hope I don't get diabetes from Seroquel.  I know somebody online who did and he is not happy, obviously.  (But he was on 400/day.  Not sure how long he had been on it.)  Seroquel is one of the only antipsychotics that I can take; I'm allergic to a bunch of them. Pdoc also increased my Haldol from 2 1/2 at bedtime AND PRN 2 twice a day.  It had been written for once a day.

Hospitalized Again

 I say "again" but it had been since about 2016 that I'd been hospitalized.  This time, I called the my pdoc's office and talked with someone on the crisis team.  I had been gathering pills and going to far as to put them in my hand with a glass of iced coffee next to me.  I knew it was just a matter of time before I got brave enough to take all the pills.

I started to drive myself to the psych ER 7 miles away, but my mom said to go to the one that is literally down the street from where I live.  So I went home and waited for K, my mom's husband, to pick me up.  My mom came up to the hospital to be with me once I got a room in the ER.  So much nicer than the other hospital- they have chairs but no beds really and you end up staying up all night while they wait to see you and then find you a bed in a hospital if that's what you need.  

At this closer hospital, I just watched TV in my room.  I had to get someone to take me to the bathroom because this was protocol.  I had my door open and so did most other people in that hallway.  One was psychotic or manic or both.  She wouldn't stay in her bed or stop trying to escape.  They finally had police and lots of medical personnel come hold her down and give her a cocktail of some night-night meds.  She fought it hard, though!  Eventually, she fell asleep.  In the room next to mine, I watched as doctors strapped a woman to her bed.  These weren't the thick leather straps- they were white and looked soft.  It's just that she couldn't get out of bed that way.  Both these people were very loud!  Screaming at times, but mostly shouting unintelligible things.  I thought I shouldn't be there with them because after all "I'm not that bad off".  Apparently, that's not the way things work.  Just because I didn't need a shot of Haldol+ doesn't mean I wasn't sick, too.

They finally found me a room an hour and 20 minutes away.  They had an ambulance take me.  The ride seemed short, but I did doze off for a bit.  (I hadn't slept all night, despite having a bed because I didn't have any distilled water for my CPAP.)  We left around 8 a.m.

My stay in the hospital was par for the course of being in a mental hospital.  Groups, TV, lots of other patients of all sorts.  I mainly kept to myself.  This is unlike me.  Usually, I'm very social.  I spent my time napping, reading or on the phone with friends.  At first I was pretty depressed and slow.  The doctor who saw most of us, was kind of a flake.  He decided the reason I had this episode of depression was because of a break up between me and a friend 6+ weeks ago.  It didn't phase me- that isn't the case!  He took one look at my file and said "You're on too many of the wrong meds!"  Then he looked at my list of meds I can't take and concluded that there was nothing he could do for me!  So they ended up sending me home on the same meds I came in with.  Luckily, I talked with Caleb a fair amount and that was cheerful and engaging.  

We got 3 square meals a day.  I thought we were the best fed patients!  Everything about that food was just sustainable, but it did taste good.  I just wouldn't say it was haut cuisine.  We colored and had groups.  We talked about various things.  There was one patient there who was a homeless alcoholic who spoke of going right back out and drinking again even with "the DTs".  I felt bad for him.  Everything out of his mouth was negative.  Everything.  Then there was the girl who went around to others chattering at us in a fast, choppy tone.  I mostly ignored her.  In fact, I didn't make any "friends" there except maybe one of the people who works there.  He was very helpful and never criticized.  

After 5 days, I got picked up by Kevin and we drove the hour and 20+ minutes to the pharmacy.  You see, my meds were due to be picked up anyway and my mom had picked up a bottle of Rexulti from my pharmacy and drove it to the hospital!  This is because the hospital could order all my meds from their pharmacy but not Rexulti for some reason.  So when Kevin and I got back to the pharmacy to hand the Rexulti to the pharmacist so she could add them back to the blister packs and then give me the completed packs.

Haldol PRN

 Well I broke down and took some of the extra Haldol just now.  I picked up my new glasses this morning.  They are taking some getting used to - I forgot that I'd ordered bifocals.  When I picked them up, I tried them on, but couldn't see because I had my contacts in.  So tonight I took out my contacts and put these new glasses on and immediately I noticed "the lines" of the bifocals!  I can see out of the bifocal part and the regular part, but where they join is blurry!  So right now, I'm typing on the computer looking through the regular area.  I have to raise my head and look DOWN at what I'm typing if I want to use the bifocal part.  Actually, it IS easier to read with the bifocal part, but I don't like having to hold my head up so far.  My old glasses are trifocals and they are the kind that there are no lines!  I got used to those immediately but these are annoying me!  I've had friends that got them say that they had a hard time walking in them.  Steps and curbs and stuff were hard to navigate.  I made my second tiktok tonight introducing myself talking about these glasses and my deluge of 8x10 photos I got this week!  I tried not to look like a dork, but my friend Christine said I look "great" in the video, so there it is.  I have no idea how to do all the fancy editing.  Heck!  I don't even know how many seconds I have left when I'm recording, so it just cuts me off.  Then I tried to edit that out and I couldn't figure that out either!  I have no idea what I'm going to post about in the future.  I probably won't be lip synching to songs though.  Right now, my choices are 15 seconds or 60 seconds.  I swear other people's videos are longer than a minute.   I'm eating a pear.  It's crunchy!  I went out to Walgreen's again - this time to get Benadryl.  I had an asthma flare up earlier and wasn't sure how I was feeling- my chest hurt a little- felt congested and somehow painful so I used my inhaler with my spacer (allows the medicine to disperse through the air in the spacer before I breathe it in).  Then I took some Benadryl in case it was an allergic reaction or allergies from dust mites or seasonal.  (I don't THINK I have bed bugs!)  Now feeling fine.  I stayed home today except to go to Walgreen's to get the Benadryl.    Tomorrow, I should get working on my inspection stuff- I need to clean my bathroom top to bottom! Maybe sweep and mop?  It isn't just cleaning- it's making sure things like the smoke alarms work.  Well the last time I used the oven they sure did!  And it says something about the carbon monoxide detector but the thing I thought was one says AT&T on it so I don't want to touch that - whatever it is.  It seems so much harder now that I'm by myself even if my place *is* a lot smaller.  I do like my new glasses though- They're nice and clear so the little bit of a prescription change really helped.  It's just that the bifocal lines are blurry.  I can read better through the bifocal parts, even though I can read pretty well with the regular section, too.  So anyway, I took my Haldol PRN and not sure if it did anything.  Maybe it hasn't been long enough- meds take about 20 minutes to start working after you swallow them.  I hope I don't get too tired from it, though.  So far, so good, though what would be the problem if I did get tired?  It's 9:30 already!  I'm watching The Muppet Show- the original- though.  I can't believe I don't feel tired at all from the Benadryl.  Maybe if I went and laid down it would help.  Still really liking the photos I printed!  Nobody has come over here to see them really.  Oh great. Now I'm not feeling well again.  I already took my night meds.  Benadryl maybe wasn't the best thing to take considering that my night scripts include Trazodone and Seroquel.  Ok. Off to watch TikTok in bed.  It's trying to relax time.  I think the Benadryl has hit.  My chest feels okay now.

PDoc Called - Hypomania- covid 19

 My pdoc called yesterday right after she got the email from my case manager about how I've been.  She said I have "good insight into your symptoms".  I don't think so.  It's my friends- both online and in real life- who clue me in.  So pdoc said I could increase Seroquel or Haldol and I picked Haldol as I have a ton of that.  She said to take my regular 2.5 mg every evening as usual and then add 2-4 mg as needed for hypomania.  It's the weather changes, she says.  She will call next week. Thing that worries me is that I spent over $100 on photos- I had a bunch of my photos of my kids 10+ years ago printed and framed and they are now surrounding my living room- there are 11 8x10's!  Don't get me wrong: They look GREAT!  Even friends have said I'm a good photographer just from seeing a quick TikTok that I did of them!  Anyway, pdoc said she thinks I'm hypomanic because I've been sleeping less and spending a lot of money.  Lately, I've been getting up before 9:00 when previously I was getting up at 11.  That's a GOOD thing!  I can get up while the Spring birds are still chirping.  As I type this, I'm listening to Rene Jacobs sing French songs.   I guess he speaks fluent French, in addition to English and other languages.  I saw a video of him teaching a couple women voice lessons- one was in French and the other was in English.  

On Friday, I have my annual apartment inspection and there are a million things on the check list they sent!  Some items are easy like making sure the grass is cut in addition to other outdoor issues because the apartment complex takes care of those.  I'm putting things off- I don't know why.  Maybe because I don't want it to get messed up again before she comes to inspect the apartment.

I miss Noah singing.  Especially when he was little.  I've got a black-and-white photo I took of his face while he was singing during a voice lesson that is part of my new 8x10 collage.

I went to the eye doctor a few weeks ago because it was time and I wanted contacts and a newer prescription in my glasses.  So I bought a year's worth of contact lenses- the regular ones; I wanted to buy green ones which I did try on, but they didn't look cool enough to spend another $100 on.  (THAT'S not a hypomanic symptom, but it was weeks ago.)   My contacts came in earlier this week and my glasses came in today.  (Saturday.)  I hope I don't run out of contacts before our Disney trip.  Oh yeah!  The Disney trip! Well, if we can manage to all have the money for it.  My mom is paying for a large portion of it, so it really won't be that much.  Little by little sock away a few dollars here and there.  Now that I just paid my AAA bill with my credit card, I have to watch to make sure I still have the money in my account to pay for that next month.  Oh- and I have an appointment to get the Johnson & Johnson covid vaccine on the 19th of this month.  It's not easy finding appointments!  I filled out 3 online applications which told me that they were full until I went to the site Christopher used to get his vaccine.  They had plenty of spots!  Although, I told Karen that they had lots of spots and she said they didn't when she went on, so I don't know.  There were two weeks' worth when I scheduled mine.

I've been using TikTok lately.  I've found a couple people to follow that do really funny live shows.  I said something in the chat and the woman I was watching last night actually answered my comment!  She had at least 30 square-framed photos up behind her- all pictures of her late dog!  A tribute wall.  I said "I thought I had a lot of pictures of my kids!"  I guess not?  Perspective, right?  I also have watched a couple live streams on TikTok of this guy named "UncleMike75".  He is younger than me by only a few years.  He is really funny!  Both in his live streams and in his regular TikTok videos.  He is from South Carolina and I just love his accent.  He is very popular.  There were over 2,500 people in his chat last time I watched one!

Speaking of how old people are, I had my birthday a few weeks ago.  The big 49.  Next year will be the REALLY big one!  Especially for my mom- her birthday is the day before mine- as she will be 75!

My psych case manager made an appointment for the week after next to come to my apartment and have an appointment, I guess.  I don't know what's wrong with the office?  I don't know what we'll talk about except whether or not I'm still hypomanic.  

So my town is under a big warning about covid- apparently we have a huge number of cases in both zip codes of the city.  So I'm going to try to stay home as much as I can.  I have to go to the grocery store though, but today is Saturday and I'm sure the grocery store will be packed.  Sunday is worse!  What's weird is that I don't think they've changed the rules about dining out or saying that people need to stay home.  Just a news article from a local radio station telling us this.  

Well I'm really hungry- it's time for lunch and I've missed breakfast, but I did have a Starbucks Italian Cold Brew coffee this morning.  We'll see what there is to eat here.  I'm almost out of milk and Caleb would say that is a national emergency!  He says I always get milk when I'm at the grocery store and its a tragedy when I run out.