Voices out of control

 These hallucinations are out of control!  The voices are commanding, insistent and mean!  I tell them to shut up yet they just mock me.  They are almost constant.  They want me to hurt myself and others!  I do not want to do that, needless to say!  At least Scott and Caleb have talked with me this evening and been loving and non-judgemental.  I have been listening to music to distract myself.  I feel like they are my fault but someone pointed out that my brain’s been through the wringer lately so no wonder it’s gone haywire.  

O Dulce Voice

 O dulce

Dulce voice

Call to me

Again! And again!

You who soothes

My inner self

Does show my fate.

Held captive

Inside

To hear you

Demands marked free

O call again to me.

You art my fate

My love

My whole existance!

O cry!

Cry to the gods

Up to my soul

Full to mine tears

A deluge of sorrows!

O sweet!

O demands!

O persuasive!

You my voice

Turned inward

A mind of your own

Round my mind

Singing your acrid tunes!

Your wiley voice

As mine

Over-ebullient

To raise my demise

To full sorrows

Black, rounded beings!

O sorrows bleak

All my tears weak

Hear you O strange one

Never mind those pills

Orange and small

They are for fools!

So you say-

Take them!

Take them!

Take them!

Violent voices demand

It's okay-

Just do it!

The voices of angels sing to me

A cacophony raised to terrible heights!

Or are they angels?

Who knows?

Those demands so strong-

Inviting along...

O dulce

Dulce voice

Call to me

Again!  And again!

You who soothes

My inner self

Does show my fate. 

Take Them Take Them! Do it! Do it!

 My pdoc's nurse just called. I thought she was going to be my pdoc as that's what was written down on my discharge paperwork from the hospital that I was just in. Anyway she asked me how I'm feeling and I said "hunky dory" and then she said are you hearing voices or seeing things. So I get off the phone after denying it and now I have voices talking to me saying "Take them take them take them!". Lovely. Should I call pdoc's nurse back now or wait it out or take a prn or just wait till I talk with my pdoc on Friday?

Now they are saying "Do it!"

I took 2 mg of Haldol and my pdoc's nurse is going to talk with my case manager and my pdoc and call me back. I really hope that the Haldol works but 2 mg is nothing!

They are now telling me to shut up!

Shut up! fuck you! We will kill you.... yeah. Fun!

Now my case manager just called. The consensus is that I should give my meds to somebody to hold and just keep tonight and tomorrow morning's doses and see how I feel tomorrow and that the crisis team will call me for a check up tonight.

It's only about 3:30 p.m. here right now and I feel like it is 6. Maybe because I got up way early. Still hearing the voices. I want to scream back at them but so far I haven't!

My daughter came and picked up a bag of my meds with enough for tonight and tomorrow left here with me. Now waiting on the crisis team to call and check up on me. Hope they call soon!

Now Canst Thou Hear

 Now canst thou hear

O all manners of delight

Shaped with bosom near

All brass and bright.

With great nature I adore

What can'tst I bear I ignore

For ether is unveiled

Is surely Day quite revealed?

Longing for to love today,

I mourn and weep- 

Unfound my way.

And in that curse I find myself-

A cry to keep-

Inside, my mirth.

Joy is nigh where great grief waits

All hung above in my fates

And to this life I see

A reflection that is me.

All lost is what I see

A tune that's longing to be free

With joy a distant memory,

I fall into the darkened sea.

Music is a soothing care

Where I follow it near to there

A somber sleep with me does fall

With voices' shadows me do call.

And if I slumber before I dare

To dream up high 

All in the air.

The sun falls down and tells the tale

Of around my mournful fate

To which I cannot escape.

So where the metal horns do sound

A cry!   And wrap around

I hear their great delight

But I am fallen back in time

My mind and self only mine.

A day will come 

When I will pass a weary trodden path

And I will choose which way I go

A hand my own self soothes

And I will come again to this place anew.

File: More from my medical (psych) record

This is from my medical record, again.

01/16/2016 According to [Me] and past E-II records, she was diagnosed with depression in 1997 when she was pregnant. She was prescribed Zoloft in [City] and went off the medications after she had her babies. She reported that she began to have visual hallucination in 1999. They started to see triangles that no one could see. She began to seek mental health services for her hallucinations in 2006 after she had gone for a walk and nature seemed more vivid and then she saw a little girl on a porch that disappeared as she was looking at her.... and has been prescribed Depakote. She reported that the hallucinations have gotten worse in the last two years. She now hears sounds like radio, a band, and voices saying "Look at me". The voice says nasty and mean things to her and he's become more persistent.... According to the Pre-screening assessment on 10/1/13. "Client self reports that she has been experience and increase in feeling "ramped up" as well as "another voice" telling her that she now knows everything there is to know and she will be fine. She had thoughts of walking into traffic "just because I want to see if the metal from the cars is cold" and "flying off her balcony because there is so much space and she thinks she should fill it". She was hospitalized at PES for 10 days.

voices - been a long time

I heard the tv voices again. I was watching Mary Tyler Moore this time not MASH. They were speaking into my left ear. I don't know what they were saying. I don't see my new pdoc for two months. But Isee my new therapist in a month. This will hardly be worth mentioning then I guess. They were buzzing and whispering and seemed to be a group of voices. There really isn't anything more to say about them. They didn't scare me.