Escape

Arg! I can't stand this feeling. I feel like I haven't slept for days but I have. I want to crawl out of my body! Claw it up. Set it in the corner somehow. I need an escape!

Am I?

I feel like nobody cares about me. I called my psych. dr.'s office and they said they would page her as she's not in the office. Hours later, I call back and its the same deal: She's not in the office. I called the psych. ER and they suggested I call my psych dr. back or if it gets worse come to the psych. ER! What a pat answer. I want to cry. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Its tiring going this far for this long. Feeling normal yet feeling like something is very very wrong. Am I making all of this up? Am I? Have I done this just to amuse my stupid, sick brain? I wish I were back at that balcony.

Flying in Precipio

There I was again. At Meijer. On the balcony. I'd gone up there to use the bathroom. In my sweatpants and sweatshirt, I'd intended on working out this morning. Didn't happen. I'd been talking with my friend on the phone. I leaned my forearms far against the railing. Looking out over the balcony, I saw lots of stuff. Millions of individual things! How many there are, infinite, back, forth, left and right, and between them all the people going by below. They can't see me!

I saw myself climbing over the balcony again. Lifting my leg up. Leaning over! I could FLY! Across the building, floating through infinite space! The air was my playground and it was all mine. What a waste it is that we don't use the air around us! This time, however, I happened to tell this to my friend on the phone and he said, "No, you can't," quite firmly. Maybe I can't. Maybe... Everything out in front of me is shimmering. Shining brightly! Calling to me. "Come here..." it seems to say. Earlier, I had called my psych. dr. and left a message with some of what I'd written about yesterday- about the cat and the sun talking to me. As of this typing, she still hasn't gotten back to me. I guess I don't matter.

After going to Meijer, I went to Best Buy to buy a tablet. I nearly did, but I couldn't afford an external keyboard to go with it. I need it to type into my blog! Right now, I am using my friend's laptop again. I talked with the sale's guy for fifteen minutes, it must've been. I could've gotten a cheaper one, but I wanted one that went with a keyboard so I could touch-type because its faster to get ideas out. I had also looked at Meijer for one but nothing caught my fancy. I didn't have enough money for an ipad mini with keyboard which would've been nice.

I don't know how long I will be this way. In some ways, I feel normal. In others, not. Why don't I jump off that balcony? Is it too much trouble? I really don't know. It doesn't seem scary in the least. Just flying into peace. Into that peace of yesterday's post- in paradisium. There is something out there that I must learn. Something that is being taught to me through the sun. Though everything being more vivid that usual. In the lights in Meijer glinting. I need to find out what it is. I said yesterday that I know everything. Not yet. Not quite yet. Something awaits. Its close. Its so close.

Long Night

I am buzzing but I am so stressed that I want to die. Visions. Oh well. Another friend can't deal with me. Psych ER doesn't want me. This will be a long long night.

Soon it Will be Gone

I was just put with a friend. We went to a store. I saw a thermos. Instantly, I exclaimed "But me a thermos!!" He thought about it and declined. Whatever. Then we went back to the coffee shop and he didn't want to sit with me anymore. I'm sad. Mad. Everything is crystal clear. I should maybe go the psych ER but I'm not. I tell you what: mania isn't always a happy feeling. Energy flows through me and I feel I must scream and jump and say anything that comes to mind. My filter is going. Soon it will be gone.

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Hallucinating In Paradisium

When I got up this morning, I walked out of my room and saw my cat. He turned around, but in an instant, disappeared!

I have had other things like this happen, too. I'm not sure if they are normal or not. My friend says not. The girl I've described disappearing lasted longer: she as definitely there for me to see and then she was gone. Its tempting for people to say they are ghosts. Why would my cat be a ghost when he is alive? Maybe he's teleporting. hehe. Funnily enough, he didn't meow. That would've been better- a little more information. Sometimes, I catch things out of the corner of my eye that aren't there, but again, I think that is normal.

I still feel ramped up but that could be the coffee.

Last night, the cylindrical sex seconds continued. I feel at ease with it. It is just there. It is comfortable. It is like falling into a warmth, as the merry-go-round turns slowly, once, twice, thrice... Its no longer sad. It has moved into an intense feeling of peace. This piece is from a requiem- a mass for the dead. "In Paradisum" translated means "In Paradise". Each note, each nuance of a phrase, has me captured, wrapped in bliss as it continues on, again and again. My brain tingles. My emotions roll up and down gently. They are one. I want to fly away into the music, singing. The sound goes straight from my heart to my brain, bathing it in intensity that rolls over itself, again again. It is the same with the sex. Rolling over and over, drowning my brain, saturating it in bliss, so that I can't sing along; only strange singing comes out, but the angels still sing for me into my brain and in my head I sing along, as my my body tingles, as my brain buzzes and everything is gone. Only I am left. I am one with the sound and my brain and the bliss. I am singing. I am one with all. I know all. I know the answers to everything! Its all okay now. In paradise, may angels lead you into paradise. A fearless death. A completely fearless death. All is you and you are all. You are one with all. May you have eternal rest. I rise into the voices. They are one. And I am one. I am one with them and the voices. Just me and them rising up. They sing and rise and fall together, swirling moving into the peace of death, as I follow them. Its just me and the cirles, rising up in swirls, as the voices are one carrying me up and down. Where are they going? Into the peace. Into requiem. An intense buzzing in my brain happens as I am carried up and down. My whole body is carried along. Into paradise and into peace. Carried by angels. Soaring, telling me everything. I now know all. I am all. I fly, carrying all. My cat and I are one. He is me. Going into paradise. Into peace.

* In paradisum deducant te Angeli; in tuo adventu suscipiant te martyres, et perducant te in civitatem sanctam Ierusalem. Chorus angelorum te suscipiat, et cum Lazaro quondam paupere æternam habeas requiem.

May angels lead you into paradise; upon your arrival, may the martyrs receive you and lead you to the holy city of Jerusalem. May the ranks of angels receive you, and with Lazarus, once a poor man, may you have eternal rest.

Maybe Manic?

I can't stop thinking. I can't stop doing. Right now I am sitting, but my fingers are flying. I can watch tv, but not for very long. I can help my friend cook, but for only a moment. Another friend, who reads this blog, says that the mere fact that I am writing so many entries is reason enough to believe that I may be nearing mania again. Earlier, I seriously contemplated buying a laptop computer just so I could write in this blog! I didn't, though, but I nearly did. I guess that means I'm not too far gone. The thoughts are there, though. My thoughts are this and of that. One thing, then the next. Never for very long. And then I am having very little patience for things. At the same time, I feel "normal". I can kick this. I can't possibly be getting manic. No not me! I'm not that far gone. I'm still a real person. Remember when I said I wanted to be "the real me" when I was manic last year at this time? The idea isn't beyond me! I take so many meds, why not quit a few? The water I drink is extra cold. I feel it roll over my tongue and go down my throat into my stomach, cooling off my body along the way. The smoothness of these keys - I type and slide the tips of my fingers across them. Mmmmm.... Yummy! The water in the shower falls over each part of me, warm and soothing, tingling my fingers, arms and head. The sun is going down, but not a lot yet. Its seeping into my brain, telling it new messages. I wish I could hear them better, but they are subliminal messages. My brain just knows how to feel from them. At the same time, I feel shaky, like I've had too much coffee and I can't sit still. What is there to do!? I must do something! And when I start something, I might finish it- I might not. My life is full of tiny little disjointed bits. Moment to moment, unrelated. Physical feeling to physical feeling. Overwhelmed by how my brain feels by what I see, or what I hear. Am I truly manic if I can write this at all instead of the short little bits I wrote last year when I was manic? Maybe not. But its worth writing down even so. I still want my own laptop. I might buy one. I might not. I might stop my meds. I might not.I might stop drinking coffee. I might drink more. Right now I don't know. I might call my doctor, but I might not. How do I know I'm truly manic? I don't. Besides: I'm more creative now and I've been quite prolific in my blog. I like it that way!

Wistfully Wandering into the Wilderness

A couple of years ago, I went to Starbucks. I'm not sure what time I got there, but at four a.m. I was drinking coffee, looking around at the people who filled the store, and at the darkness of the windows. Four turned to six which turned to seven. The sun came up. By nine, I had gotten in my car. Time meant nothing. It was Saturday, but to me it was still the longest Friday ever. I felt good. I felt awake. Refreshed. I drove downtown and parked. I walked quickly past houses. I was alive! The thought crossed my mind: "I could get so much more done if I never slept!"

I walked into the record store and looked around a bit. I talked to someone behind the counter, who turned out to be the owner. From this Russel Oberlin recording to that; from this rare singer to the other, we talked. Eventually, he said, "Do you have a degree in this?" I said, "No!" flattered.

I left the store, and after more quick walking, found myself in the downtown Starbucks. I saw a friend from judo and began talking to him. A million miles an hour I talked, seeming to keep up a normal conversation, but in my head, I was detached from the world. Just as I had been while walking down the street. The world was not mine. I was almost beside it as it played out in the distance.

I found my car again and drove to the grocery store. I climbed the balcony which spanned the whole of the front of the store. I leaned over it a bit. Looking down at all the people who were walking by or paying for their groceries, I thought about jumping over the railing. Who would I land on? What would happen? I saw myself lifting my legs over the railing, and falling down, down... I looked out and over toward the back of the store. I had just been walking through the isles and could see that any minute, giraffes were going to be walking by. I just KNEW they were! Anything could happen. The world was simply not real anymore. I looked down over the railing at the people in front of me again. Maybe if I landed wrong, I'd land on top of someone and that wouldn't be fair to them. I decided against jumping.

Eventually, I made my way home that day, though it was a long one. Interestingly, it was last November that I was hospitalized for something similar- wanting to jump off a balcony. I obviously, never reported this episode, or if I did, it had been so much time since that it didn't matter anymore.

P.s. re: wistfully Main Entry: wist·ful Pronunciation: \ˈwist-fəl\ Function: adjective Etymology: blend of wishful and obsolete English wistly intently Date: 1714

Anti-Depressants & Bipolar Don't Mix

Around 2004, I was having pretty bad intrusive thoughts: visions of people's spines being ripped out of their bodies; not just people, but children in my son's school! Spines went SPLAT! against the walls, blood and all. After I'd dropped my other two children off, I called my psychiatrist. She got back to me right away. She told me not to move - don't go anywhere or drive! She prescribed Celexa, an anti-depressant.

Life went on, and a few days later, I found myself at Wendy's. No, I really found myself there, standing there, not knowing how I'd gotten there. I looked at the menu board, read the words in it, and had no idea what they meant. "What do they DO here?!" I asked myself. My brain was empty. My thoughts were just non-existent. What's more, I had no recollection of driving to the store! The files were simply missing. What's more, I had no emotions. None. I didn't care about one thing or another or about one person or another. I really did not have any emotions. It was odd, but at the same time it was strangely freeing. I walked down a hallway where it was relatively quiet and called my psychiatrist. She immediately said, "You weren't supposed to DRIVE!!" Its still a mystery to me how I got home.

In 2011, I was again prescribed Celexa, this time by a different psychiatrist. I knew what it had done before, but took it anyway. One day, I was at a sit-down restaurant with a friend of mine. Waiting for the food to arrive, I began to tap my knife quickly against the table. Over and over and over and over and over. I just would not stop. I could not stop! Internally, I had to keep banging that piece of metal on another hard surface. It was so bad that my friend commented. I finally got up and left the restaurant to call a friend of mine who is a behavioral pharmacologist. He laughed at how quickly and spritely I was talking to him and he liked my funny sense of humor, but he did agree that that with the utensils gymnastics, I was likely hypomanic from the Celexa.

Some bipolar people just cannot take anti-depressants. A better choice for depression is an anti-psychotic.

I Want to Die but my Hair Looks Good

Five fourty-five p.m. My left hand is shaking as I eat a bagel and type this with my right. (A side effect from the Topomax I was put on in the psych. hospital last November.) I'm very hungry all of the sudden. I went and dropped off my son at a friend's house. My thoughts are not good. I want to drive into traffic. At a light, I begin to inch in, closer, closer... I stop. At home, I had gotten into my pills. So many pills! Why do I take all these pills anyway? If I'm going to take them all, why not take them all?! My hand picks up the Ativan, and some Trazodone. "Hmm...." I think. "I have these for later." Seeing, my daughter, whose birthday is in a week, I think, "This will be the last birthday I will celebrate with her, and maybe I'll miss it." Am I getting manic? I felt like I was okay when I posted earlier, but maybe not. Maybe people are stressing me out. I see myself stabbing myself to death. Yes, intrusive thoughts. The light, the light! The sunlight is that Fall lighting that seeps into my brain and makes it bad. In fact, it was this week last year that my manic episode started. I want to die but my hair looks good. So I can't, right? Hahahaha... Well, that bagel went down nicely. So did the berry smoothie. Why should it matter? Why? Its just intrusive thoughts again. Cutting myself. Climbing over balconies. Stabbing myself. Shooting myself. Will the voices come? If they would, I would be entertained. Driving, I was thinking the usual driving rules and then thoughts about how many pills to take. What time? Its Friday night and a bad night to go to psych. ER. So don't. Don't even call. Just take the pills. Take them. Go on. You're such a chicken. That light outside. It calls to me. Calling my name. And ironic because it will eventually go dark.

Two Typs of Entries: Hallucidating

I'd been emailing with a long-time friend about my blog and I came up with a realization. There are two types of posts here: Those that are written in-the-moment, and those that are written retrospectively- explaining how things were. The second type loses a lot because its not written with the nuances that the first type is likely to have, being written when the event was going on. I suppose you could call the "explaining" type the "hallucidations"- the clear thinking, lucid posts, when I'm supposedly stable. Then again, its the OTHER type which really show you what is going on with bipolar, like my posts from November last year. I can tell you about it all day long, but unless you read the choppy posts from when I was manic, you won't get the flavor of being manic. Unless you read about my hallucinations from last December that I wrote about while they were happening, you won't really understand just how those voices sounded, or what they may have said or the fact that they scared me. Last year I had quite a few that sounded like a scratchy radio that wasn't quite in tune or a phone that the receiver was on the table as the other person kept talking. But the descriptions in real-time, give an intensity to my mindset. If written retrospectively, I may have forgotten the exactly feeling of being scared! Nevertheless, my post called "Five Hallucinations" had to be written retrospectively, and I think they are pretty good descriptions of what went on. What's more, I can tell you that mania includes a need for sex, but you don't get a good sense of that unless you read about my trials of letting go of my sexual partner over time.

Hyper-Aware: Hypo Mania & Mania

This morning, I had some coffee and then went to the gym. About half an hour into my workout, I felt dizzy so I quit and got my shower. I then had a protein bar. I felt better. I think I didn't eat enough before working out. Now, I'm at Starbucks and had a chocolate banana smoothie with protein powder and two shots of espresso. I got cold, so I went out to the car for a sweatshirt. As I walked, I felt the familiar feeling of gliding across the ground: almost as if I wasn't touching the ground at all. I was near flying! Moving through space quickly, gliding, sliding. It felt good! I am aware of every part of my body- hyper-aware of my arms, my legs, my feet, how my clothes are laying against my body... Am I hypo manic? Is it from the coffee? I don't know that it can hit me that quickly. I'm used to drinking coffee, too. I guess I will see if it wears off in an hour or so. Yesterday, I got my hair cut along with my youngest son's. I then bought some shampoo and conditioner and leave-in conditioner, took my son out to lunch, paid my phone bill, and various other things. Is this hypo manic spending? (I rarely get my hair cut, but hey, it does look nice!)

So its always at this point that I ask myself, "Can't I just pretend everything is normal?" Yes, I can. I can still sit here, looking normal, talking to people, typing into this laptop. I suppose its after a while that I cross into mania that I can no longer pass for "normal". Last year when I was manic, I had no more control. I had no filter left, and just said what was on my mind, getting many friends angry with me. I had to run around to get rid of the excess energy I had. I had the gliding feeling, yes. And, no, I haven't been using that daylight lamp that my friend gave me because its broken. It never worked in the first place. So much for that. Plan B.

Its a buzzing feeling- inside my head mostly. Physically, inside my head. The thing about hypo mania is that it feels good. Mania doesn't. Mania is more of an anxiety on top of extreme restlessness on top of not being able to think straight anymore. Its a pressured feeling: I HAVE to run, I HAVE to have sex, I HAVE to keep talking non-stop, even if it doesn't make any sense. Mania is out-of-control! Mania is the rules of the world not only don't apply to you anymore, but they are just GONE! With both, your senses become hyper-aware, but more so with mania. Its like a movie where they try to show what an acid trip is like, but here, its every sense that is involved, not just sight. Last time I was manic, I remember running my fingers along the mortar between bricks inside the doctor's office building, and finding it simply exquisite. Something as simple as running a fork along your lip can be almost sexual. Your senses are all turned up to full volume. At the same time, sitting in a restaurant full of people can be torture, as you can no longer filter out the background noise: every single conversation comes through loud and clear, baring down, drilling into your head, pushing against your body, and not a one of them cares that you want to jump out of your skin because of them and will shut up!

Speaking of the gym, I think working out has been helping my mood. I feel good after- clean and happy. I'm hoping that I'll lose some of this Zyprexa/thyroid weight, too.

Delusions & Paranoia

Everyone's heard a friend exclaim "You're delusional!" in the heat of an argument. Just like the world psychotic, "delusional" often gets misused by the general public. (Psychotic just means you are hallucinating, not that you are a serial killer!)

Delusions often go along with hallucinations, but they don't have to. In fact, delusions are often more dangerous than hallucinations! When you are in a delusional state, your sense of how the world is supposed to work is "off". Its not working correctly. Anything could happen, in your mind. Pink giraffes could go flying by and you wouldn't think twice. There have been times, when I thought people are out to get me- to kill me, no less! I was completely convinced of this and was taking preparations to protect myself- completely in the fight-or-flight mode.

One case was when I was out and about shopping. I don't remember if I'd actually bought anything that day, but it was a snowy, winter day. I'd pulled in to park my red van next to a big work van, complete with ladders on the top. I had a bit of trouble parking and thought I'd parked too closely to the them. When I came out of the store later, the van was gone. So I went on my way, stopping at Starbucks. Looking out the window, I saw the van again! It was inching past behind my van. I was sure they were reading my license plate and taking it down to sue me! So I got in my car and left again. I got to an intersection, and saw them again! This time, I knew they were after me. My heart was racing. I had to get away! I was going to be in huge trouble! I finally stopped my car and called my psychiatrist who called back fairly quickly. She assured me that nobody was after me. It took a bit of time to talk me down into believing her. I said, "Yes, but..." and "I know, but..." This is a true delusion: believing something in the face of facts to the contrary. Its still every bit as scary as if these things were true and it sometimes goes along with hallucinations-hearing or seeing things that aren't there-, which can be part of belief that something is after you, too. This is why delusions are often times paired with hallucinations, when patients are psychotic. As I said, above, psychotic does not mean that you are Norman Bates, but it does mean that your sense of reality is askew and you need some help. These things can happen while on anti-psychotics, but I don't know if they are prescribed specifically to combat them. I would think so. I also think that you can be delusional and paranoid at the same time- the fear builds and when the "rules of the world" are distorted, you can very easily think people are after you or going to kill you. It is a scary place to be, and one which I hope to not be again any time soon.

Light, Anti-Depressants and Mania

Its the time of year where I get manic. This may, in part, be due to the change in the quality of light. The angle of the sun changes, in addition to less light every day. I feel like the type of light changes. My psych doctor suggested a natural light box. I still think it might make me manic because it helps depressed people, but I'm going to give it a shot. My friend has one that he will give me. I don't know how to use it except to sit by it for a little bit every day. I think I'll just have it in my room and have it on next to me while I watch t.v. Last Fall, as I've said, I had a manic episode and my inpatient stay. Some of this, I think, had to do with the light.

As a side note, other things which make me manic are anti-depressants. The last time I was on one, I couldn't sit still for anything. I HAD to move and talk and walk in circles. My friend that I'd called who has a doctoral degree in behavioral pharmacology laughed at me as we talked on the phone. He did agree that it was the Celexa doing that to me. This is why I'm wondering if the light has an effect on the same part of the brain as an anti-depressant. I guess we shall see.

Five Hallucinations I Didn't Write About Yet

There are a few times I've hallucinated that I haven't written about. Mostly because I didn't have this blog when they happened, but also because I just missed writing it down. So here are a few that I'm writing about retrospectively. They probably won't be as colorful as they would've been had I written them at the time, but I'll try.

Maybe a year and a half ago, now, I was having a stressful day. I remember being in the car parked outside a friend's house, ready to leave, talking on the phone to my ex husband. I don't know what we were talking about, but it got me quite worked up. That night, I went home, and I actually felt "fine". I felt calm and okay. I had forgotten about the conversation and was minding my own business in my bedroom. The tv was off. The record player just sat there mute. The box to the cable tv, however, began to glow. The red and blue indicator lights were more like eyes looking back at me. All around me, I heard jazz music! Clear, detailed, music with many parts, including a muted trumpet. It was as if someone had turned on the radio. But the tv box could not and cannot play music. The record player was further away and it still was unplugged. I sat and just listened from about three feet away on my bed. I wanted to write the music down. If ONLY I was better at transcription! And yet, I knew in my mind that as real as this music was, it was my brain doing this. It was my BRAIN making the hallucination of detailed, beautiful jazz music OUTSIDE my head! I kept sitting and listening- staring at the box, which still stared back with its mismatched eyes. Soon, it began to talk to me. It said how horrible I was. It told me to "look at me!" and to "pay attention to me!" All commands and ALL very demanding and sinister. I ignored it, knowing it was just a box and it couldn't hurt me, even though it was talking to me. After a little while, I got bored of the box's demands, and got up. When I did, I saw the box melt, Dali-style, over the table it was on. I left the room and went downstairs. When I got back to my room, it had reset itself back to normal. No more demands, no more music, and no more melting.

Two years ago now, I was working at a factory as a temporary worker. The floor was a typical factory- big, dirty, and loud. You couldn't hear someone talk out there unless they were right up in your ear. This particular day, I had gone to the bathroom just off the floor. In there it was quiet as the offices that were adjacent were empty for the evening. Just as I was about to leave the small bathroom, I heard a woman's voice say something to me. Then there was a man's voice right after. I didn't need to look around: there obviously wasn't anyone there. I continued back to my station out on the floor and just as I got there, I heard another voice say something to me, this time a woman. Now I KNEW I was hallucinating, as I would DEFINITELY see someone talking to me to be able to hear them out there. They didn't scare me as they weren't saying anything derogatory, but I did take note. My feeling at the time was that I was over-worked.

The last time was also the most recent. I was at a doctor's appointment, but in an office I don't usually go to. As I waited to go in, I heard music playing. Just the usual muzak you hear quietly over the speakers in an office. I didn't think anything of it. It played the whole time I was there. When I left, to go to the pharmacy, something got to me that this wasn't quiet right, so I went back to the office. No music. I asked the office staff about it. No, they said, they didn't have any music playing, and in fact, the music system had been broken for quite some time! There was, however, someone at a back desk with a radio on low, but it was doubtful, they said, that I could hear it- and I couldn't. The music had been "louder" than that, anyway!

I had been sitting in a coffee shop with a good friend. The "bar" table was up against a wall of windows. As I sat and drank my mocha, I stared at the parking lot. In front of me was a yellow beetle- a fairly new car, at that. All at once, it began to slowly melt. First, its left side headlight, SQUOOSH! Then, it slowly sprung back to normal. Then other parts followed suit, almost slyly. Then it would sit there, staring, solid as anything withe the cold winter light reflecting off it. That was the end of that entertainment!

One I'd forgotten, is one I had before I was diagnosed as bipolar. I had been wandering around the block in my neighborhood. The world was hyper-real. All the colors were very vivid. The flowers were bright pink and purple. I felt detached from reality, like I was floating along. As a turned the corner, I saw a little girl walk up to a porch alone. I thought she was going to enter the house, but she had no time to. Nor did she have time to start walking down the sidewalk. She simply walked up to the door- and disappeared! (There was nobody else around. And I don't believe this was a "ghost".) I now know that this episode is called "derealization", but this was the episode that made me seek help from a doctor, as I recall. In fact, the first doctor I saw, was not mine, but someone else in that same office and he diagnosed me with premenstrual dysphoric disorder! (Otherwise known as "PMDD".) Even after I was referred to a psychiatrist's office, they were reluctant to diagnose me with bipolar for sure, for at least six months, I think. Over time, though, my symptoms have consistently shown that I'm bipolar 1 and that is what's in my record.

The Jumbled Boxed Car Line-Up

Last night I went to the store in my pajamas. No, I wasn't delirious, nor did I have a fever of 104 and was going out for an important script. I was getting some hot-oil treatment for my hair. For at least a week, I hadn't been able to brush my hair - at all. I'd just been putting it up in a pony tail when it was wet, because it was matted like dreadlocks but in balls. When I could brush it, it would fall out it great fistfulls. (In fact, it still does!) I used the oil on my hair, and lo and behold, I could brush my hair, and although it still fell out, it felt so much better.

The first psych drug I went on for bipolar was a pill called Depakote. It had a side effect of weight gain. I remember sitting there- the thin me- looking at the bottle as I took out my first pill and swallowed it, thinking about how my doctor had told me about this side effect. After a year or so, I switched to Lithium because of the weight I'd gained. I thought it was an even trade off. And of the most part, it has been. However, there have been other negative side effects to lithium.

A few days ago, I had been to my primary care doctor for a check up. She had done blood work that said my thyroid was low. That's not new news, but its just a lot lower than it had been. Why is my thyroid level low? Lithium! So I take the Lithium for my bipolar, and my thyroid gets low. What else does low thyroid do to you besides dry falling-out hair? It lowers your metabolism and raises your cholesterol! Guess what else my doctor said I need to do? Exercise! Well guess what doc, I'm ahead of you on that one, though now I'm wondering if I'm actually going to lose weight doing it. So THEN, she tells me, of course, that my triglycerides are too high. Yes, low thyroid does that, but guess what else is famous for doing that? Zyprexa! Zyprexa also changes your metabolism so that its very easy to save fat and very difficult to lose it. My doctor then suggested that I might have diabetes- because I'm so fat, of course. The test came back negative, though. It just feels like I'm falling apart.

So here we are with a line-up of box cars on a train. One drug has side effects and into another and so does another until you find yourself on a train that's speeding along where the cars are crashing into each other and threatening to fall off the tracks. Why not just stop the train and remove the engine?

It's That Time of Year. Why Can't My Psych. Dr. See This?

So its that time of year. Fall. That means mania may be around the corner. My pdoc suggested I get a light box. (I have heard they are very expensive. Even if not, I have read that they can trigger mania in some bipolar people.) The last time I saw her, she was pretty dismissive of what I thought I needed. She seemed to list off things and not take my feelings into consideration. She ticked off things onto her notepad and it wasn't so much of a conversation as a pat-answer back-and-forth. I did ask her about disability for a letter for my lawyer and she just gave me the run-around and said there is a committee for that and that she cannot write a letter as its against what is good for me: i.e. to get me better. What a bunch of hoooie! I understand wanting to not write me off as sick forever, but if I have issues with working I have issues with working. That doesn't mean that I'm a dead-beat.

Meanwhile, I am down to my last two or so appointments left for the year and I'd really like to see my therapist, but who knows what October and November will bring. Last year, I was hospitalized in November for a week. My pdoc said that was from the Saphris and I agree that that didn't help, but I think it was the last straw- a big last straw. The year before, I had had hallucinations and some other odd sensations at work in October or November, too. Simply telling me to sit under a light feels like writing me off.

I will be bipolar forever. Why can't my pdoc see this? One needs to only read my entries from November 2012 to see the way my brain works and that this is not conducive to work.

Moving On to Happy Days Ahead

Here I am sitting at Starbucks with one of my best friends. He's letting me use his second laptop so I figured I'd take advantage and make a blog post as doing so on my phone is really difficult. The iced coffee I'm drinking is making me a little bit buzzed.

I've joined a dating site in the last week. I've been on two dates. Both were failures. Neither one called me after. I figured so much the better. If there's something they can't deal with about me after an hour or two, then buh-bye. I'm not changing who I am! I'll be polite and cheerful on a first date, but I won't be someone I'm not.

Meanwhile, I have found a new friend! He and I met online through a mutual acquaintance. When we talk, its the circuits lighting up and both of us saying, "Me, too!" and "I really like you!" and he told me he looks forward to seeing my signed-in light on when get gets online. What a way to warm my heart! He's about my age. Its so nice. He calls me "Honey Bunny" and "LUV YOU!" He lives in Georgia, though, but we want to find a way to at least meet. So fun to meet a kindred spirit. He has his issues and I have mine but none of that seems to matter. In fact, we've traded blog addresses and I don't think any less of him and vise versa.

I've gone back to the gym. I know I started back in January and then I slacked off. I've gone back and need to try to keep going. I want to lose weight for this supposed Disney World trip we're going on. I just want to feel better for it. Not to mention all the pictures!

I've also had to file for bankruptcy. Its really depressing! I got a job, too, and had to decline it. How sad! But that's what my lawyer said to do. I wish it were all over already, but there's still so much paperwork to do and its going to take four months anyway. Yes, I know that bipolar people are known to have financial difficulties but I really made a mess. I just cannot WAIT until this is over with. At least I bit the bullet and got it started. The lawyer thinks I have a good case. It won't be easy, but then again, it doesn't seem to be the most complicated case, either, considering all the check boxes I DON'T have to do. The subject has made me feel anxious, but I think the lawyer is nice, so that's something. I can't believe I've made such a mess!

Fall is coming up. That means my kids' birthdays, but it also means that seems to be when I have my worst mood issues. Granted, last year (in November), it seems to have been because of the Saphris setting things off and then my going to the psych. hospital. I am supposed to be saving my appointments for just such a possible occasion, but we shall see. I have one in less than a week, at any rate. I need to talk with her re: my lawyer, too. I have been pretty stable lately, but this bankruptcy thing has made me pretty anxious. My lawyer said it will be better to go forward than to not, but who knows if he just wants the money, you know?

So I feel pretty darned stable, just anxious about this whole bankruptcy thing. I just want it over with. I know that means that I need to get on with finding and filling out paperwork. There WILL be happy days ahead! Meantime, my friends are with me. Letting those go who are not meant to be.

Speaking of, my merry-go-round has stopped. He stopped it. Just less than a week ago. Its over. He just doesn't love me. So I am wasting my time loving him. In fact, he got off the merry-go-round mid-ride and stopped it. C'est fini. I should be much more sad, but as you have read here, this has been coming for nearly a year, sad song and all.