Visit with Therapist- "Mixed Episode"

I just came out of my post-ER appointment with my therapist. We talked about why I seem to scare off friends when I'm manic or in a mixed episode, and why I can't seem to keep a job. What do I do or don't do? Do I expect too much from them? I'm I asking too much of a burdon of them when I'm in an episode? I'm still not sure of these, but we did figure that I should blog here and post on bulletin boards to help.

One thing she did say is that she agrees with the PsychER staff that I've been in a mixed episode: Manic and depressed at the same time. She said I've been depressed and irritable at the same time, having dark thoughts, yet scaring away friends with my insistance and dark writing here in my blog. We talked about how to get rid of the intrusive thoughts about taking pills and that I have two minds: the one that says to take the pills and the one that says, "but then you'll end up in the ER with charcoal down your throat". Its the second one that has been a savior.

I am not, however, completely, out of the woods, as I did have some brandy to drink last night and all that did was mess up my blood thinner levels and make me feel hot. Its just that, as I told her, I feel this internal restless feeling- this aweful knawing feeling inside that my brain calls out to anything like Ativan or Benedryl or alcohol to calm me. I end up on my bed as if it were a lift raft, keeping me away from the pills and alcohol, watching tv, desperately trying to keep my attention on "All Creatures Great and Small".

I see my therapist in a week and a few days, again, and my psych. dr. on Monday. (Today is Friday.) I think I can make it over the weekend again WITHOUT submitting to the calls of these drugs. Monday. Monday. I can make it until Monday! I did it last week, I can do it again. I got my pill box refilled today, so I have meds to last me. Ken took the rest of my scripts back home with him. We also talked about drinking hot tea to fool my brain into thinking I've had something to eat, when I get hungry late at night from the higher dose of Zyprexa. I sure hope that helps. The feeling of your brain saying, "Eat... eat... eat..." is so hard to ignore!