Manic Memories

 I've had times when I've been very angry and screamed at people and had no idea that I was manic! I don't KNOW I'm delusional when I'm delusional. I want the crazies to stop. I want the others that I'm screaming at to stop screaming at ME! It never occurs to me that they might be screamign back at my screaming. EIther way, its not good. I left a fight like that once and took my car out and drove to a drug store, calling my sister telling her

Possible trigger: 

I wanted to kill myself

and so my sister asks me where I am and the police show up but I'm on the phone with my pdoc by then so when I get out of my car, two cop cars have blocked me in and the police are searching my car with flashlights. The end of that story is that they called an ambulance and my sister showed up and said she wanted to cancel the call, but they said "Nope! It' too late now. The wheels are in motion!!" (The wheels of the process not the ambulance wheels!) I ended up at the psych ER and they let me go and my sister drove me home. So yeah- you can see how things get out of control when I'm manic!

Bipolar Biographies

Finished reading "Gorilla and the Bird" by Zach McDermott.  Very good descriptions of bipolar, especially how it feels to be manic- how out of control you can feel.  It's also about his mother and his childhood.  His mother always stopped what she was doing to come be with him, even if it meant buying an airplane ticket that same day.  Before that, I read "Madness" by Marya Hornbacher.  You really get the big picture of how it is to have bipolar disorder with this book.  Very visceral.   From a self-harm episode that went really wrong, to her drinking too much, and for both of them their hospitalizations and the wild rides that went along with being locked up- sometimes literally!  I'm about to start reading "Electro Boy" by Andy Behrman.  I remember that his mania was over-the-top like McDermott's, and it was almost scary to read.  I've seen interviews online of Behrman.  He's very awkward.  (He's not awkward in his book.)  There's also "Manic" by Terri Cheney, also great at getting across how it feels to be manic, but the way she writes kind of heightens the situations she's in.  Zach McDermott's descriptions of his episodes really make you feel as if you are there in person watching what he's describing.  After "Electro Boy" I think I might try "Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life".  I didn't really like what she wrote about her life -the hyacinths part.  Then there's "An Unquiet Mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison. I didn't find it all that riveting It's very flat and she has this small obsession with lithium.  (I saw her in a movie about a couple of bipolar people who fall in love.  They go to a coffee shop and sort of interview Ms. Jamison.  Even then, she praises lithium!)  It's a very technical read.  Doesn't really draw me in like "Gorilla and the Bird" has. Compared to all of these people, I'm pretty boring.  I don't have ultradian cycling- that's several episodes a year.  I get episodes maybe once a year, and sometimes not even that.   If I find any more bipolar biographies, I'll be sure to update this post!

FILE: 2015 Psych ER Report

This is extremely triggering. Read at your own discretion.

This is a ONE page report on me in the psych ER. Sobering.

Does this blog reflect what is written here? Is it a matter of "my side"/"their side"? This is how the doctors at the psych ER saw me on two separate days (in one report). I could search this blog to find what I may have written at the time. By the way, I looked it up, "anhedonia" is lack of emotion. A bipolar person without emotion? I do remember being this way, I think, however. An odd state to be in for sure. For sure, these two entries in my psych. medical record is a sobering look at my illness.

10/28/2015

Suicide ideation with a plan: Consumer denies

Danger to Others Worksheet

Severe anxiety symptoms/agitation

Employment instability

Impulsivity

Lack of insight

Currently manic or depressed or psychotic

Relationship instability

Lack of social support

Static Risk Factors

Low socioeconomic status

Aggresive or destructive behaviors

None

4/20/2015

Dynamic Risk Factors

-Severe anhedonia

-Severe depression

-Hopelessness

-Suicide ideation or intent

-Suicide plan

Static Risk Factors

-Mood disorder

-Psychotic disorder

-History of suicide attempts

Agressive or Destructive Behavior

-Suicide Attempt

-Suicide ideation

4/20/15: Clt endorses SI w/plan to overdose on prescription and OTC medications. Clt reports two aborted suicide attempts earlier this evening, one in which she had 30 benedryl in her hand ready to take but decide4d not to and once she had 50 zyprexa in hand. Clt was unable to contract for safety with this writer when a crisis plan was attempted.

9/16/15: Clt endorses SI w/plan to jump from balcony or crash car. Clt reports that early today she was standing leaning over the balcony for "awhile" contemplating jumping. Clt mention s that she thought she may be able to fly and if not she was aware this would probably kill her and reports "I was ok with that as long as I didn't have to feel like this anymore".

Here is another page from my psych. medical file

Been almost a Year/ Suicide Attempt/ Hospitalization

Its been almost a year since I last posted! I guess everything's been going well?

I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. Everything seemed fine. Then, I began having symptoms: bouncing around, twirling in circles, increased interest in sex, sleeping only an hour or two every night for about 5 days straight. I told my psychiatrist about my symptoms and she agreed with me that I sounded manic. She increased my Zyprexa and lithium and decreased my Zoloft. A few days went by and the med increase didn't seem to be helping.

Sunday came around and I was hanging out with my eldest son having coffee at Starbucks. For some reason I was having intrusive thoughts. I've had them many times before but always was able to ignore them or redirect my thinking. I began to visualize taking many Benedryl pills. The thought was inviting. It was calling to me. I went home. The first thing I did was get out the bottle of Benedryl. The bottle was half full, swimming with tablets. I turned the top over and filled it with all the little pink invitations.

"One... two... three... four..." I kept count. No thought other than I MUST take them. "Twenty-eight... twenty-nine... thirty." The top was empty. I felt fine. I had called the after-hours help line a few days before to talk. They'd said to call any time. I called. I told the man who answered that I'd just taken the pills. "Hang up and call 911," he said calmly. In a few minutes, the police, ambulance and firetruck were outside my door. The police knocked and came in. Asked me questions. They wanted to put me in the police car but the female officer said there was no air conditioning. The other officer asked if my kids were home and I said my youngest was upstairs. He knocked on my son's door and asked him if he was going to be okay at home alone as they were taking me to the hospital.

We went to the closest hospital in the ambulance as the one I usually go to would've added another 15 minutes to the trip. I stayed in the ER for quite a while. They didn't want me to get out of bed. I had to use a "bedside commode" with people watching. In another room, I sat on the side of a hospital bed. When I stood up, the room started spinning and my head swirled. The feeling overtook me and I suddenly realized, "I'm going to faint!" I sat back down on the bed quickly and felt better.

After not too long, I was admitted to the 4th floor. I was given an IV of fluids that was set on "fastest" in order to flush the drug from my system. I had a heart monitor with lots of wires stuck to my chest. My symptoms began to get worse. My mouth was dry (a sign of a Benedryl overdose). I was starting to not be able to talk. I'd think of something to say, my mouth would start the sentence and half way through I'd forget what I was going to say as my mouth dragged itself through molasses. A friend came to visit but I fell asleep during our conversation. I still had to use the commode. I was a "fall risk". After about 8 bags of fluid, they finally unhooked me and I was sent to the psych floor.

Since this was a new hospital to me, I was unfamiliar with how this psych floor worked. The first day, I slept for hours, trying to make up for the 5 days I hadn't slept. I saw the psychiatrist and nurses. I was brought meds twice a day and fed three times a day. I talked with the other patients about tattoos and jail. I started going to groups and after 2 days they were talking about sending me home already.

Since I've been home, I've felt misunderstood, kind of confused and tired. I also am a bit confused about my meds. However, since I last wrote, I did get my own place and that has been very nice. Oh and one more important thing: I was not depressed when I took the pills. I was manic. I know its counter-intuative but there it is. I have lost one friend over this episode: he said I was lying when I told him why I took the pills. I don't need that type of friend! However, I have also realized who my true friends are. And that has meant the world to me. When you're detoxing off ODing and your friend says sweetly, "I love you'" it gives you the strength to keep going.